Someone Like You 54/61: Fresh air - Beecher/Stabler
Someone Like You
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 3560
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
So late. So tired. Hope I don't screw up this post.
Someone Like You
chapter 54: Fresh air
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 53, Headaches:
Elliot had lunch with Kathleen near the hospital. He gave her the choice of talking about her hangover or Toby, and she chose to tell her dad all her reasons for being unhappy about him being with Toby: most particularly, that it wasn't nice to make her mother cry and then prance happily off into a new life.
Elliot brought Olivia home, and broke the news that he was going to be sticking around and doing her laundry. She guilted him into explaining that it was Toby's ex-lover ruining his work work-zen.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Olivia looked surprised when she opened the door. "Hi."
Toby cringed. "Elliot didn't tell you I was coming."
"He did, but I thought he was joking. I've been out of the hospital for three days; I think I can manage not to fall over for two hours." She was in an old t-shirt and sweatpants, free of make up, half her hair just starting to sprout and the other half unwashed. She looked a lot better than most people would in that state, but hardly like the groomed detective he knew.
"He was worried about you being left alone while he was dragged in for the search, so I told him I'd come." He lifted a bag. "I brought food."
"You didn't have to. But thank you." She finally realised she was barring the door, and stepped back to let him in. "Don't you have a job?"
"Took a half day."
Toby had brought a couple of meals, secretly hoping to make up for being such an asshole when Olivia came to dinner. Secretly hoping hanging out here wasn't going to be as awkward as he thought it might be. He hung his jacket on the coat stand and followed her wave towards the kitchen.
"I should be in there," Olivia grumped. "They need all the bodies they can get."
Toby loaded containers into the almost-empty fridge. Elliot hadn't been kidding about her not being a cook. "They need all the brains they can get. From what I hear, that's not you just yet."
"Thanks."
He took a good look around her living space. It was neat and a little bare, though the piles of get-well flowers were dressing it up. In pride of place amongst the bouquets was a twice-life-size pink plush brain. "Someone sending you a message?"
Olivia smiled. "That's from Elliot's kids. He says they all pitched in, but I'm betting it was Elizabeth's idea. She has the weirdest sense of humour."
It was the first time Toby had ever felt a twinge of jealousy of Olivia. She knew Elizabeth and Kathleen and Dickie, had known them most of their lives. He'd bet Elliot had never wavered over bringing Olivia home for dinner. "How are you doing?"
She leaned over the counter. "I'm going stir-crazy."
"I hear you're getting the staples out tomorrow."
"At least I'll look a little less like Frankenstein's monster." She rubbed her head just near the wound. "The better I get, the more frustrating all these restrictions feel."
"I don't doubt it." Toby remembered the gradual withdrawal of painkillers, how after a while even his curdling rage for Chris and Vern and Metzger had been buried under the daily irritations of not being able to scratch his own itches or shift himself in bed or wipe his own ass.
"I thought it would help to get Elliot out of my hair for a few hours, but at least being irritated with him was something to do. Reading and watching TV make the headaches worse, so I'm just staring at the walls."
"Do you want to go out?" That might be less awkward than sitting on the couch, trying to think of things to talk about.
She looked at him like it had never occurred to her. "Out?"
"For a walk. Get some exercise."
"I never... I go to the gym."
"I'm guessing you're not allowed to do that right now."
"No, the gym was definitely off the list." She looked out the window, still sceptical. "It's November."
"So nobody will blink if you wear a hat. Trust me, no one should be locked inside for too long. Makes you crazy." He meant for it to sound light, but was pretty sure he failed.
Olivia looked at him funny, and then lifted her hands. "Sold. I'll go put on something warmer."
"I'll keep my boots on."
Olivia came out in jeans and a sloppy sweatshirt and a cosy-looking grey beanie. If he hadn't seen her at her best, Toby wouldn't have said she looked sick at all. She locked up and led the way to the elevator. As soon as they stepped out the front door, she closed her eyes for a deep breath of the crisp November air. Toby's lungs expanded in sympathy, remembering that first full breath of freedom. "See what I mean?"
"That feels really good."
"Never underestimate the curative properties of fresh air. Which way?"
She looked both ways, and then pointed. "The Hudson River Greenway's up there."
"Sounds good."
Olivia lived on a leafy street on the Upper West Side, just a few blocks from the river. They crossed Broadway and walked a full block before Olivia started making conversation. "Sorry about taking up all of Elliot's time."
"Don't worry about it. He cares about you." Elliot didn't realise how much his thoughts were focused on whether the people he loved were safe and happy.
"We've been best friends for a long time."
Toby pushed his hands in his pockets. "You must have been curious when you heard about me."
She snorted a laugh. "Curious? That's an understatement." She rubbed her arms. "Elliot's such a... He's so traditional. Black and white. Family man, husband. I thought I knew him pretty well, and I would have pegged him as the straightest man I knew."
"I would have called him the second-straightest. After me, ten years ago."
He felt her look. Wondered if she'd be nosy enough to ask. Wondered if she'd be brave enough to point out that Toby being a man wasn't half so impossible as him being fresh out of prison or an alcoholic. Suddenly he couldn't stand not know what she really thought. "But it's not half as surprising as me being an ex-con, is it?"
"True." She gave him a warm look. "But he's happy with you."
He wanted to remind her that Elliot hadn't been so happy lately, but he couldn't imagine she'd break any confidences for him. She had to have some idea what went wrong in that interrogation. Elliot seemed happy with Toby as long as Toby didn't ask too much about what was bothering him, or push to meet his kids. Toby shoved his hands in his pockets as they crossed Riverside Drive to the park. "He's been good for me."
The Sailors' and Soldiers' Monument was quiet, just a young couple making out on the steps under the tall grey columns, an occasional cyclist speeding past a mother pushing a buggy. Toby and Olivia wandered across the grass and found things other than Elliot to talk about.
On the way home they stopped in at the grocery store. Olivia handed over a list, and Toby smiled when he saw the handwriting. "Elliot's writing your shopping list?"
"Writing gives me a headache, too."
Toby grabbed a cart and checked the list. "First up, coffee."
Olivia led the way."Being dependent on other people is hell."
"Believe me, I know how it feels."
She turned to him, surprised. "You've had a head injury?"
"I've had two broken arms and two broken legs." It popped out without thinking, before he could anticipate the shocked look and obvious follow-up question.
"You were in an accident?"
Toby swallowed, turned his face away. "Prison."
"You were assaulted."
Obviously. "Peanut Butter." He looked down the list. "Cheerios. Brownie Bites. You know, except for the coffee, this looks like a shopping list Holly would make."
"You sound like Elliot." She dropped a jar of peanut butter in the cart. "How long were you in hospital?"
"Two months."
"Maybe I shouldn't complain about a few weeks off work."
"Maybe you were lucky to be hazy for most of it." Vern and Chris had been smart enough to know there was no better cruelty than leaving his mind sharp.
"Were the men who did it punished?"
She was such a cop, just like Elliot, pretending it was a casual question. "Yeah. They were punished." That fuck Metzger bled out in a back corridor. Vern buried both his sons. And Chris... To his last days, Chris never really believed that Toby had been the one wielding the shank in the storeroom.
Toby stopped at the end of the health and beauty aisle. There was nothing on the list, but he couldn't exactly see Olivia asking Elliot to write 'Tampax' for her. And he wasn't about to suggest it, either. "Anything you want up there? Toothpaste or something?" She hesitated, so he said, "Why don't I make dinner tonight? I'll go grab some ingredients, and I'll meet you at the checkout."
She gave him a smile. "Sounds good."
They were both laughing when Toby heard Elliot's key turn in the door. He uncovered the plate he'd about to save for him, and grabbed another knife and fork from the drawer.
Olivia turned on her stool. "I didn't expect you so soon."
Elliot came in sniffing the air. "I smell Toby's cooking." It was the first Toby had seen of him in days, and he looked great. A hell of a lot better than in the hospital, or when he stumbled in at midnight.
"How'd it go?"
"We found the baby. A little hungry, but she'll be fine. Munch and Finn get all the paperwork." He kicked off his shoes and hung up his coat and came through to the kitchen to brush a kiss across Toby's mouth, letting his hand linger on Toby's hip. Toby didn't know if he was over being self-conscious in front of Olivia, or just trying to be, but either way it was nice. "Didn't think you'd still be here."
"Olivia's forcing me to make dinner."
"It was your idea," she retorted.
"She threatened to handcuff me to the stove."
"Liv wouldn't do that. She knows you need both hands." He looked tired, but more satisfied than he had in a while. He'd already loosened his tie and popped the first couple of buttons. Whatever was getting him down at work wasn't bothering him today.
He let go of Toby to take a closer look at the crumbed chicken, so Toby explained, "Chicken breast stuffed with cheese and prosciutto."
"Three cheeses," said Olivia, as though sticking a little parmesan and romano alongside the cheddar was a grand culinary feat.
Elliot slid a days-of-the-week pill container across the counter to Olivia and scooped up a couple of plates. "Why do you think I'm running slower these days? He's going to have you back to your pre-surgery weight in no time." As he carried things out to the table, he called back, "How was your day?"
He said it to both of them, so Toby concentrated on getting the herb bread out of the oven and let Olivia answer. "Pretty good. We took a walk. Did some shopping. Exchanged all your embarrassing stories."
"Great."
Dinner was nice. This time the chicken came out well, and a hunt for a missing baby with a happy ending was a light enough story for Elliot to talk about it. Olivia raved about the food, and didn't seem to mind the extra company. Even with the occasional haziness she was more intelligent than most. She was funny and wouldn't take any shit from Elliot. Toby liked her a lot.
She and Elliot had an easy rapport, familiar and teasing. Toby might have guessed they were married, if he'd been watching from outside, but it didn't bring the same quiet envy that Olivia's familiarity with Elizabeth had. Toby liked seeing Elliot this at ease. The conversation stretched through dinner and a group effort to tidy the kitchen, until Olivia began to look worn around the edges.
"Well," she said. "It's been nice hanging out with someone who isn't Elliot for a change, but I'm on a mandatory nine pm bedtime. Thanks for dinner, Toby."
They wished her a good night, and Elliot watched her go until her door closed. "I haven't seen her so relaxed since the accident."
"Fresh air does magical things."
"You do magical things. She's fuzzy and dependent and she has no idea if she'll ever be able to get back to her job. I've never seen her scared like these last few days, but tonight, she almost felt like the old Liv."
It felt good to hear. Toby thought it had more to do with the walk and the air than Elliot imagined, but he hoped he'd helped. It had been a good evening. The sort of evening their first dinner with Olivia should have been. He needed to be heading home soon, but he hadn't had a moment alone with Elliot yet, and he was starved for it. Even if it was just a few minutes to talk on the couch, and a chaste kiss goodnight.
Finally they were done, everything but wiping the counter, so Toby left Elliot to it and went to sit on the couch. Barely a minute later Elliot slid in beside him and dragged him close and this was no chaste kiss goodnight. Elliot's tongue teased Toby's and tickled the roof of his mouth as his hungry hands worked over his clothes. He broke off long enough to mutter, "Miss you," before going for Toby's neck.
Toby rang his fingers over Elliot's hair as his cock pressed against Elliot's thigh, begging for friction. A gentle scrape of Elliot's teeth to his chin and Toby was helpless. "You're planning to get down and dirty on your partner's couch?" If Elliot said yes, then Toby was all for it. Wouldn't even suggest they wait until there was a decent chance Olivia had actually fallen asleep.
Elliot tipped his head against Toby's shoulder, letting out a long breath. "No."
Toby hadn't thought so. Disappointment bit anyway.
Elliot kissed him again, still deep but without the promise of twenty seconds ago. "I've been sleeping on a couch for three nights, in a hospital chair before that, no time but the shower to think about you and jerk off. I love Liv but I can't wait to get out of here."
Toby wanted to hear some more about those showers. "I thought you were enjoying being the big protector."
Elliot flopped back, but he pulled Toby with him. "I miss you. I miss my kids. Feel like I haven't seen them in months. I miss my job." He shook his head. "Canvassing the streets felt good today."
"Taking a break has helped?"
"Yeah."
Toby ran a hand over Elliot's chest. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"
Tension hardened Elliot's body, but seconds passed, and Elliot wrapped a hand around Toby's. "It's better. I just needed to get out of there."
That was crap. Whatever was going on had been building for months, and it was still getting to him, and it wasn't going to evaporate with a few days off. Toby wished Elliot trusted him enough to talk. "Does this mean you're going back?"
"Day after tomorrow. Doc says Olivia should be good on her own, and everyone from the station's going to take turns dropping in on her."
Toby swallowed his frustration. Elliot wasn't going to talk to him.
He squeezed Toby's hand. "First thing I'm going to do is put in a leave request for Thanksgiving."
"Yeah?"
"I'll do it. It's short notice, but I think Cragen'll be happy to get me out of there. I'll come to Vermont. Meet Harry. See this house that means so much to you."
Toby could feel the smile spread across his face. He couldn't wait to show Elliot around.
"Kathy wants the kids on Thursday to do Thanksgiving with her side of the family. That means I can do Thanksgiving with you, come home Friday. I don't think the kids will mind that I take the half of the weekend that doesn't hinge on my cooking."
Toby snorted. "What did you do last year?"
"I'd been shot in the arm, so Kathy took pity, had me home."
That was the sling Elliot was wearing when Toby tracked him down at the court. It had been nearly a year since then.
"It was awkward, but I got to be with the kids."
And this year, he had to look forward to Thanksgiving with Toby's kids. Or...
Elliot raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"
Toby felt himself leaning forward, pulse picking up. He knew what Elliot was going to say, but he had to ask. "Why don't you bring your kids up?"
"My kids? To Vermont?" He made it sound like Toby was suggesting he drop them off in Mogadishu.
Toby cupped Elliot's shoulders, slid his hands down to Elliot's elbows and back up. "Let's make it about our families. A real Thanksgiving, a couple of days late. We'll do a turkey on Saturday or Sunday, all the trimmings."
Elliot's mouth flapped a couple of times. "How big is this place?"
"A couple of people might have to share bedrooms. You and me for sure."
"Funny." He didn't look amused at all. "Toby... You don't think it would be safer to start off small meeting my lot? A lunch? Morning tea?"
If that was what Elliot wanted, he would have organised it by now. "How about I just drive by and wave?" Toby kept his voice even with an effort. "I want you to stop putting it off."
Elliot pulled back. "I haven't been putting it off."
"Yes, you have." Toby got to his feet. Toby had laughed when Chris asked to meet his kids. Elliot just made excuses.
"You're upset about this? Toby, I told them about you, I just haven't-"
"You told them about me but you won't let them meet me. So the problem isn't that I'm a man. It's me."
"That's bullshit."
Too loud; they both stopped, waiting to see if Olivia would poke her head out to remind them they were in her home. Either she hadn't heard them or she was too polite to say so. Toby headed for the kitchen, and Elliot followed close behind.
"So what are you waiting for?"
"I just wanted them to get used to the idea of you before they met you in the flesh."
"I'm not afraid of your kids." Not as afraid as he was of never meeting them. "If they don't like me then I'm just going to have to win them over." It would have to be easier than Elliot winning Holly back. "I want you to trust me."
"I don't want you stuck dealing with them while they're still shocked and angry. It's not fair to put you in that position."
"But how is that going to change if they can't put a face to it? They don't..." Elliot's words echoed back. "You're talking about Harry finding out. You don't want to be part of that."
Elliot's mouth tightened. "You don't have to rush everything. It's a lot to dump on a wary ten year-old."
This wasn't a fucking rush. Toby put more space between them. Elliot dealt with injured and abused kids every day, told them there parents were dead, going to jail. This should have been a cake walk. "I missed out on their childhoods. You think your kids grew up too fast? I had eight years snatched away. Do you know, I didn't see them at all for the first eighteen months?"
"I didn't know that."
"Gen said she didn't think it was healthy for them to see me in there, but maybe she didn't think Oz was enough punishment for ruining their lives. She didn't care so much what was healthy for them when she gassed herself in the garage and let them find her." The words were running, and Toby couldn't stop them. "And then Harry was whisked off to San Diego and soon after that Gary was gone. Don't tell me Harry can't be part of my life. I've missed too much."
"Shhhh." Elliot's arms came around him, and Toby wanted to push him away but Elliot gripped him tighter, until he gave in. Toby didn't know why he felt overwhelmed.
"I know I hurt you, but I've missed too much of your kids. Please trust me. It might-"
"I trust you, Toby."
He didn't. "It might be rough, but I'd rather this be an unmitigated disaster than another day or month or year that slipped by."
"Okay. It's okay. I didn't know." Elliot rocked him, settled a hand in his hair. "I didn't know how you felt. You have to tell me."
Toby snorted against his shoulder. "Like you tell me about your problems at work?" He gave that a second to dig in but he didn't want to start hearing excuses about work right now. "I want Harry to meet you and get to know you and like you before Jonah ever gets to serve up his opinion."
"You're assuming Harry's going to like me."
"Of course he will." He'd like Elliot a lot better for knowing him, rather than believing whatever cartoon Jonah might conjure up. "And I want to face whatever your kids are going to think of me." Toby pushed his face against Elliot's collar. "I've faced down murderers. I can handle three teenagers."
"All right. I'll sort it out."
"I'm sorry." Toby felt ridiculous, like he'd bullied Elliot into this, but he couldn't regret it.
"Don't be sorry." Elliot held him tight.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 54
Feedback is a thoroughly renewable energy source with no harmful emissions. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 3560
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
So late. So tired. Hope I don't screw up this post.
Someone Like You
chapter 54: Fresh air
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 53, Headaches:
Elliot had lunch with Kathleen near the hospital. He gave her the choice of talking about her hangover or Toby, and she chose to tell her dad all her reasons for being unhappy about him being with Toby: most particularly, that it wasn't nice to make her mother cry and then prance happily off into a new life.
Elliot brought Olivia home, and broke the news that he was going to be sticking around and doing her laundry. She guilted him into explaining that it was Toby's ex-lover ruining his work work-zen.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Olivia looked surprised when she opened the door. "Hi."
Toby cringed. "Elliot didn't tell you I was coming."
"He did, but I thought he was joking. I've been out of the hospital for three days; I think I can manage not to fall over for two hours." She was in an old t-shirt and sweatpants, free of make up, half her hair just starting to sprout and the other half unwashed. She looked a lot better than most people would in that state, but hardly like the groomed detective he knew.
"He was worried about you being left alone while he was dragged in for the search, so I told him I'd come." He lifted a bag. "I brought food."
"You didn't have to. But thank you." She finally realised she was barring the door, and stepped back to let him in. "Don't you have a job?"
"Took a half day."
Toby had brought a couple of meals, secretly hoping to make up for being such an asshole when Olivia came to dinner. Secretly hoping hanging out here wasn't going to be as awkward as he thought it might be. He hung his jacket on the coat stand and followed her wave towards the kitchen.
"I should be in there," Olivia grumped. "They need all the bodies they can get."
Toby loaded containers into the almost-empty fridge. Elliot hadn't been kidding about her not being a cook. "They need all the brains they can get. From what I hear, that's not you just yet."
"Thanks."
He took a good look around her living space. It was neat and a little bare, though the piles of get-well flowers were dressing it up. In pride of place amongst the bouquets was a twice-life-size pink plush brain. "Someone sending you a message?"
Olivia smiled. "That's from Elliot's kids. He says they all pitched in, but I'm betting it was Elizabeth's idea. She has the weirdest sense of humour."
It was the first time Toby had ever felt a twinge of jealousy of Olivia. She knew Elizabeth and Kathleen and Dickie, had known them most of their lives. He'd bet Elliot had never wavered over bringing Olivia home for dinner. "How are you doing?"
She leaned over the counter. "I'm going stir-crazy."
"I hear you're getting the staples out tomorrow."
"At least I'll look a little less like Frankenstein's monster." She rubbed her head just near the wound. "The better I get, the more frustrating all these restrictions feel."
"I don't doubt it." Toby remembered the gradual withdrawal of painkillers, how after a while even his curdling rage for Chris and Vern and Metzger had been buried under the daily irritations of not being able to scratch his own itches or shift himself in bed or wipe his own ass.
"I thought it would help to get Elliot out of my hair for a few hours, but at least being irritated with him was something to do. Reading and watching TV make the headaches worse, so I'm just staring at the walls."
"Do you want to go out?" That might be less awkward than sitting on the couch, trying to think of things to talk about.
She looked at him like it had never occurred to her. "Out?"
"For a walk. Get some exercise."
"I never... I go to the gym."
"I'm guessing you're not allowed to do that right now."
"No, the gym was definitely off the list." She looked out the window, still sceptical. "It's November."
"So nobody will blink if you wear a hat. Trust me, no one should be locked inside for too long. Makes you crazy." He meant for it to sound light, but was pretty sure he failed.
Olivia looked at him funny, and then lifted her hands. "Sold. I'll go put on something warmer."
"I'll keep my boots on."
Olivia came out in jeans and a sloppy sweatshirt and a cosy-looking grey beanie. If he hadn't seen her at her best, Toby wouldn't have said she looked sick at all. She locked up and led the way to the elevator. As soon as they stepped out the front door, she closed her eyes for a deep breath of the crisp November air. Toby's lungs expanded in sympathy, remembering that first full breath of freedom. "See what I mean?"
"That feels really good."
"Never underestimate the curative properties of fresh air. Which way?"
She looked both ways, and then pointed. "The Hudson River Greenway's up there."
"Sounds good."
Olivia lived on a leafy street on the Upper West Side, just a few blocks from the river. They crossed Broadway and walked a full block before Olivia started making conversation. "Sorry about taking up all of Elliot's time."
"Don't worry about it. He cares about you." Elliot didn't realise how much his thoughts were focused on whether the people he loved were safe and happy.
"We've been best friends for a long time."
Toby pushed his hands in his pockets. "You must have been curious when you heard about me."
She snorted a laugh. "Curious? That's an understatement." She rubbed her arms. "Elliot's such a... He's so traditional. Black and white. Family man, husband. I thought I knew him pretty well, and I would have pegged him as the straightest man I knew."
"I would have called him the second-straightest. After me, ten years ago."
He felt her look. Wondered if she'd be nosy enough to ask. Wondered if she'd be brave enough to point out that Toby being a man wasn't half so impossible as him being fresh out of prison or an alcoholic. Suddenly he couldn't stand not know what she really thought. "But it's not half as surprising as me being an ex-con, is it?"
"True." She gave him a warm look. "But he's happy with you."
He wanted to remind her that Elliot hadn't been so happy lately, but he couldn't imagine she'd break any confidences for him. She had to have some idea what went wrong in that interrogation. Elliot seemed happy with Toby as long as Toby didn't ask too much about what was bothering him, or push to meet his kids. Toby shoved his hands in his pockets as they crossed Riverside Drive to the park. "He's been good for me."
The Sailors' and Soldiers' Monument was quiet, just a young couple making out on the steps under the tall grey columns, an occasional cyclist speeding past a mother pushing a buggy. Toby and Olivia wandered across the grass and found things other than Elliot to talk about.
On the way home they stopped in at the grocery store. Olivia handed over a list, and Toby smiled when he saw the handwriting. "Elliot's writing your shopping list?"
"Writing gives me a headache, too."
Toby grabbed a cart and checked the list. "First up, coffee."
Olivia led the way."Being dependent on other people is hell."
"Believe me, I know how it feels."
She turned to him, surprised. "You've had a head injury?"
"I've had two broken arms and two broken legs." It popped out without thinking, before he could anticipate the shocked look and obvious follow-up question.
"You were in an accident?"
Toby swallowed, turned his face away. "Prison."
"You were assaulted."
Obviously. "Peanut Butter." He looked down the list. "Cheerios. Brownie Bites. You know, except for the coffee, this looks like a shopping list Holly would make."
"You sound like Elliot." She dropped a jar of peanut butter in the cart. "How long were you in hospital?"
"Two months."
"Maybe I shouldn't complain about a few weeks off work."
"Maybe you were lucky to be hazy for most of it." Vern and Chris had been smart enough to know there was no better cruelty than leaving his mind sharp.
"Were the men who did it punished?"
She was such a cop, just like Elliot, pretending it was a casual question. "Yeah. They were punished." That fuck Metzger bled out in a back corridor. Vern buried both his sons. And Chris... To his last days, Chris never really believed that Toby had been the one wielding the shank in the storeroom.
Toby stopped at the end of the health and beauty aisle. There was nothing on the list, but he couldn't exactly see Olivia asking Elliot to write 'Tampax' for her. And he wasn't about to suggest it, either. "Anything you want up there? Toothpaste or something?" She hesitated, so he said, "Why don't I make dinner tonight? I'll go grab some ingredients, and I'll meet you at the checkout."
She gave him a smile. "Sounds good."
They were both laughing when Toby heard Elliot's key turn in the door. He uncovered the plate he'd about to save for him, and grabbed another knife and fork from the drawer.
Olivia turned on her stool. "I didn't expect you so soon."
Elliot came in sniffing the air. "I smell Toby's cooking." It was the first Toby had seen of him in days, and he looked great. A hell of a lot better than in the hospital, or when he stumbled in at midnight.
"How'd it go?"
"We found the baby. A little hungry, but she'll be fine. Munch and Finn get all the paperwork." He kicked off his shoes and hung up his coat and came through to the kitchen to brush a kiss across Toby's mouth, letting his hand linger on Toby's hip. Toby didn't know if he was over being self-conscious in front of Olivia, or just trying to be, but either way it was nice. "Didn't think you'd still be here."
"Olivia's forcing me to make dinner."
"It was your idea," she retorted.
"She threatened to handcuff me to the stove."
"Liv wouldn't do that. She knows you need both hands." He looked tired, but more satisfied than he had in a while. He'd already loosened his tie and popped the first couple of buttons. Whatever was getting him down at work wasn't bothering him today.
He let go of Toby to take a closer look at the crumbed chicken, so Toby explained, "Chicken breast stuffed with cheese and prosciutto."
"Three cheeses," said Olivia, as though sticking a little parmesan and romano alongside the cheddar was a grand culinary feat.
Elliot slid a days-of-the-week pill container across the counter to Olivia and scooped up a couple of plates. "Why do you think I'm running slower these days? He's going to have you back to your pre-surgery weight in no time." As he carried things out to the table, he called back, "How was your day?"
He said it to both of them, so Toby concentrated on getting the herb bread out of the oven and let Olivia answer. "Pretty good. We took a walk. Did some shopping. Exchanged all your embarrassing stories."
"Great."
Dinner was nice. This time the chicken came out well, and a hunt for a missing baby with a happy ending was a light enough story for Elliot to talk about it. Olivia raved about the food, and didn't seem to mind the extra company. Even with the occasional haziness she was more intelligent than most. She was funny and wouldn't take any shit from Elliot. Toby liked her a lot.
She and Elliot had an easy rapport, familiar and teasing. Toby might have guessed they were married, if he'd been watching from outside, but it didn't bring the same quiet envy that Olivia's familiarity with Elizabeth had. Toby liked seeing Elliot this at ease. The conversation stretched through dinner and a group effort to tidy the kitchen, until Olivia began to look worn around the edges.
"Well," she said. "It's been nice hanging out with someone who isn't Elliot for a change, but I'm on a mandatory nine pm bedtime. Thanks for dinner, Toby."
They wished her a good night, and Elliot watched her go until her door closed. "I haven't seen her so relaxed since the accident."
"Fresh air does magical things."
"You do magical things. She's fuzzy and dependent and she has no idea if she'll ever be able to get back to her job. I've never seen her scared like these last few days, but tonight, she almost felt like the old Liv."
It felt good to hear. Toby thought it had more to do with the walk and the air than Elliot imagined, but he hoped he'd helped. It had been a good evening. The sort of evening their first dinner with Olivia should have been. He needed to be heading home soon, but he hadn't had a moment alone with Elliot yet, and he was starved for it. Even if it was just a few minutes to talk on the couch, and a chaste kiss goodnight.
Finally they were done, everything but wiping the counter, so Toby left Elliot to it and went to sit on the couch. Barely a minute later Elliot slid in beside him and dragged him close and this was no chaste kiss goodnight. Elliot's tongue teased Toby's and tickled the roof of his mouth as his hungry hands worked over his clothes. He broke off long enough to mutter, "Miss you," before going for Toby's neck.
Toby rang his fingers over Elliot's hair as his cock pressed against Elliot's thigh, begging for friction. A gentle scrape of Elliot's teeth to his chin and Toby was helpless. "You're planning to get down and dirty on your partner's couch?" If Elliot said yes, then Toby was all for it. Wouldn't even suggest they wait until there was a decent chance Olivia had actually fallen asleep.
Elliot tipped his head against Toby's shoulder, letting out a long breath. "No."
Toby hadn't thought so. Disappointment bit anyway.
Elliot kissed him again, still deep but without the promise of twenty seconds ago. "I've been sleeping on a couch for three nights, in a hospital chair before that, no time but the shower to think about you and jerk off. I love Liv but I can't wait to get out of here."
Toby wanted to hear some more about those showers. "I thought you were enjoying being the big protector."
Elliot flopped back, but he pulled Toby with him. "I miss you. I miss my kids. Feel like I haven't seen them in months. I miss my job." He shook his head. "Canvassing the streets felt good today."
"Taking a break has helped?"
"Yeah."
Toby ran a hand over Elliot's chest. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"
Tension hardened Elliot's body, but seconds passed, and Elliot wrapped a hand around Toby's. "It's better. I just needed to get out of there."
That was crap. Whatever was going on had been building for months, and it was still getting to him, and it wasn't going to evaporate with a few days off. Toby wished Elliot trusted him enough to talk. "Does this mean you're going back?"
"Day after tomorrow. Doc says Olivia should be good on her own, and everyone from the station's going to take turns dropping in on her."
Toby swallowed his frustration. Elliot wasn't going to talk to him.
He squeezed Toby's hand. "First thing I'm going to do is put in a leave request for Thanksgiving."
"Yeah?"
"I'll do it. It's short notice, but I think Cragen'll be happy to get me out of there. I'll come to Vermont. Meet Harry. See this house that means so much to you."
Toby could feel the smile spread across his face. He couldn't wait to show Elliot around.
"Kathy wants the kids on Thursday to do Thanksgiving with her side of the family. That means I can do Thanksgiving with you, come home Friday. I don't think the kids will mind that I take the half of the weekend that doesn't hinge on my cooking."
Toby snorted. "What did you do last year?"
"I'd been shot in the arm, so Kathy took pity, had me home."
That was the sling Elliot was wearing when Toby tracked him down at the court. It had been nearly a year since then.
"It was awkward, but I got to be with the kids."
And this year, he had to look forward to Thanksgiving with Toby's kids. Or...
Elliot raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"
Toby felt himself leaning forward, pulse picking up. He knew what Elliot was going to say, but he had to ask. "Why don't you bring your kids up?"
"My kids? To Vermont?" He made it sound like Toby was suggesting he drop them off in Mogadishu.
Toby cupped Elliot's shoulders, slid his hands down to Elliot's elbows and back up. "Let's make it about our families. A real Thanksgiving, a couple of days late. We'll do a turkey on Saturday or Sunday, all the trimmings."
Elliot's mouth flapped a couple of times. "How big is this place?"
"A couple of people might have to share bedrooms. You and me for sure."
"Funny." He didn't look amused at all. "Toby... You don't think it would be safer to start off small meeting my lot? A lunch? Morning tea?"
If that was what Elliot wanted, he would have organised it by now. "How about I just drive by and wave?" Toby kept his voice even with an effort. "I want you to stop putting it off."
Elliot pulled back. "I haven't been putting it off."
"Yes, you have." Toby got to his feet. Toby had laughed when Chris asked to meet his kids. Elliot just made excuses.
"You're upset about this? Toby, I told them about you, I just haven't-"
"You told them about me but you won't let them meet me. So the problem isn't that I'm a man. It's me."
"That's bullshit."
Too loud; they both stopped, waiting to see if Olivia would poke her head out to remind them they were in her home. Either she hadn't heard them or she was too polite to say so. Toby headed for the kitchen, and Elliot followed close behind.
"So what are you waiting for?"
"I just wanted them to get used to the idea of you before they met you in the flesh."
"I'm not afraid of your kids." Not as afraid as he was of never meeting them. "If they don't like me then I'm just going to have to win them over." It would have to be easier than Elliot winning Holly back. "I want you to trust me."
"I don't want you stuck dealing with them while they're still shocked and angry. It's not fair to put you in that position."
"But how is that going to change if they can't put a face to it? They don't..." Elliot's words echoed back. "You're talking about Harry finding out. You don't want to be part of that."
Elliot's mouth tightened. "You don't have to rush everything. It's a lot to dump on a wary ten year-old."
This wasn't a fucking rush. Toby put more space between them. Elliot dealt with injured and abused kids every day, told them there parents were dead, going to jail. This should have been a cake walk. "I missed out on their childhoods. You think your kids grew up too fast? I had eight years snatched away. Do you know, I didn't see them at all for the first eighteen months?"
"I didn't know that."
"Gen said she didn't think it was healthy for them to see me in there, but maybe she didn't think Oz was enough punishment for ruining their lives. She didn't care so much what was healthy for them when she gassed herself in the garage and let them find her." The words were running, and Toby couldn't stop them. "And then Harry was whisked off to San Diego and soon after that Gary was gone. Don't tell me Harry can't be part of my life. I've missed too much."
"Shhhh." Elliot's arms came around him, and Toby wanted to push him away but Elliot gripped him tighter, until he gave in. Toby didn't know why he felt overwhelmed.
"I know I hurt you, but I've missed too much of your kids. Please trust me. It might-"
"I trust you, Toby."
He didn't. "It might be rough, but I'd rather this be an unmitigated disaster than another day or month or year that slipped by."
"Okay. It's okay. I didn't know." Elliot rocked him, settled a hand in his hair. "I didn't know how you felt. You have to tell me."
Toby snorted against his shoulder. "Like you tell me about your problems at work?" He gave that a second to dig in but he didn't want to start hearing excuses about work right now. "I want Harry to meet you and get to know you and like you before Jonah ever gets to serve up his opinion."
"You're assuming Harry's going to like me."
"Of course he will." He'd like Elliot a lot better for knowing him, rather than believing whatever cartoon Jonah might conjure up. "And I want to face whatever your kids are going to think of me." Toby pushed his face against Elliot's collar. "I've faced down murderers. I can handle three teenagers."
"All right. I'll sort it out."
"I'm sorry." Toby felt ridiculous, like he'd bullied Elliot into this, but he couldn't regret it.
"Don't be sorry." Elliot held him tight.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 54
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