Someone Like You 56/61: The long drive - Beecher/Stabler
Someone Like You
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Also, by the way, you should stop back on the last chapter's comments to enjoy the lovely Toby/Elliot art from haru776.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 2936
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 56: The long drive
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 55, What good guys do:
Elliot had another bad day at work, came looking for Toby and found Holly instead. He took directly to the weights.
Holly came looking to talk - about his anger, about her anger, about what a shit Harry is.
Toby was hurt that Elliot had dug up so much of Holly's feelings on her brothers. And not willing to be pushed to force Harry to New York. But after a little sleep he came out for a deep & meaningful in front of the TV, where Elliot finally confessed to the damage the job was doing to him, the grip Chris Keller had on him, so Toby could show him how much he understood.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Holly opened the bedroom door and peeked in.
"Holly."
She closed it again, wrinkling her nose. "Is he ever going to wake up?"
Toby was starting to wonder that himself. He hadn't seen Elliot in almost a week, had been down to a few terse phone calls, and then he woke up this morning and there was Elliot, passed out on his face beside him, not a toss nor a turn to be seen.
Elliot's last visit had been heavy. After all that digging into his feelings, all that talk of Chris, it wouldn't have been unlike Elliot to hide at work all week.
Toby had given Elliot a nudge a few hours ago, just to be sure, got a grunt and a wriggle and left it at that. Elliot hadn't so much as rolled over all day. It was halfway through the afternoon, and there was still no sign. Toby missed him; it took all of his poor self control not to wake him up. Holly's impatience wasn't helping.
"How about this recipe? It uses apple."
Holly wandered back to look.
They argued their way through stuffing recipes for another thirty minutes, until they heard a quiet, "Hey."
Holly snorted. "He's alive."
Toby smiled up at the rumpled figure in his bedroom doorway, slouching sheepishly in dark sweatpants and a white tank top, muscles and tattoos bulging out all over the place. "Hey. Sleep well?"
Elliot rubbed his eyes and his stubble, scratched a hand through his hair, looking ready to go back in and pass out again. He still had creases across his face from the pillow. "Sorry."
Toby went to him, laid a hand on his chest and kissed him. With Holly back in Elliot's camp, they didn't have to play it cool anymore. Even with the sour edge of morning breath, Elliot tasted good. "Don't be sorry. I'm glad you came here." Toby wanted to crowd him straight back in there and smell his way all over this sweaty skin. Maybe Holly wouldn't mind if they disappeared for a while.
"I wish you'd woken me earlier. I gotta go home, see the kids."
Toby swallowed his disappointment. If Elliot had told him... "Do you need to go right now?"
"Nah. Got a while." He lumbered past Toby to sit at the table with all the cookbooks and recipe printouts. "What are you two working on?"
"We're planning Thanksgiving lunch," announced Holly. "Are your kids excited about Vermont?"
"They're, um, curious."
That was diplomatic. He'd been diplomatic every time Toby asked that too, which had Toby wary. Toby followed him back to the table.
"They'll like it. We went there with Gran and Grandad when I was little. How's Olivia?"
"She's getting better. Thank you for asking. She says hello."
Toby made Elliot a double-shot coffee while Holly showed him the recipe plan and asked if he preferred his corn boiled or baked.
Elliot took the coffee gratefully and tugged Toby down to sit beside him, left a hand on his thigh as Holly chatted. That was all it took for Toby to stop worrying that Elliot had been avoiding him. Elliot let Holly think aloud, agreeing with Toby whenever Toby pinched his leg. Eventually he drained his cup and gave Toby's leg a squeeze. "Now I just need to shower and brush my teeth, and I'll be human."
Toby waited a couple of minutes and then followed him into the bathroom. "You've got a towel?"
Elliot bent over the sink to spit out his toothpaste and rinse his mouth, grey briefs stretching over his ass, white tank top riding up his waist. He nodded to the towel on the side. "Helped myself. Sorry I slept so long."
"Looked like you needed it. How are you doing?"
"Good. We got the prick." Elliot's chest swelled with vicious pleasure. "You should have seen little Arden, cool as a cucumber, telling him he was going to jail for ever and ever and ever."
"How's your temper been?"
Elliot frowned, already defensive. "Why?"
Toby leaned back against the door jamb. "You wanted to be held to account. I'm asking."
The tension held a few more seconds and then Elliot let it go. "I've been fine. Hard to be a loose canon when Cragen's the one partnering me half the time."
"Did you get any sleep this week?"
"I've been sleeping in the crib, mostly. Got a couple of nights on Liv's couch when the captain kicked me out."
"How is she?"
Elliot rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. That wasn't a good sign. "It's really starting to get her down. She wants to get back to the job but half an hour of reading gives her a headache. The doctors haven't cleared her to drive; it might be months. I got her a couple of audio books, and that's helping, but I think even that pushes her concentration." He was trying to sound casual, but Toby could hear the strain. "She's starting to worry she won't ever get back to work, and it scares the hell out of her."
Toby reached out and pulled him. Elliot resisted for a second, but Toby tugged and he gave in, arms wrapping tightly around Toby's shoulders. Even then the breath in Toby's ear was carefully controlled.
Only half a minute, and when Elliot let go he was composed. "I was wondering..."
"Yes?"
"How many rooms are there in your house in Vermont?"
"It's big. We used to have our whole extended family up there. Why?"
"I know that you wanted this to be our families... Usually Olivia works Thanksgiving to let other people take off, but this year she can't work and she doesn't have-"
"Bring her."
"Are you sure? I know it's not what you-"
"I just said yes, and now you're trying to talk me out of it?" Toby liked Olivia, and one more person who was happy about Toby and Elliot being together couldn't hurt.
"I wouldn't ask but if she stays home all weekend stewing-"
"And now you're trying to convince me again?" Toby rubbed his shoulder. "Elliot, bring her. She's family to you, isn't she?"
Elliot took a deep breath. "Yeah. She is."
"Holly likes her."
"Little girls always love Olivia. Lizzie hero-worships her."
"I'd love to have her up there, El. Invite her." Toby liked that Elliot cared enough to take care of her.
Elliot kissed him, minty and fresh. "Thank you."
Toby pulled his tank top over his head. "Get yourself in the shower. You smell like you've been asleep for days."
He wandered out to tell Holly they needed to add a couple of dishes, so they started flipping back through the blue 'maybe' post-its. Holly loved the idea of Olivia coming.
Half an hour later Elliot came through and dumped his bag by the door. "I'd better be going."
Holly's face fell. "You're leaving?" It was a far cry from two weeks ago, when she would have gladly shoved him out the door.
"Elliot has to see his own family occasionally, Hol."
"But I thought you'd stay here today."
Elliot looked as bemused as Toby felt. "I've been tied up at work all week. It's been nice hanging out with you, but I miss my kids."
She looked between them. "But... today?"
Elliot looked at Toby, and Toby scratched through his brain for - oh. He hadn't noticed the date.
"Am I missing something?" asked Elliot.
"Nothing, it's-"
"It's a year since Dad and I moved into our own apartment."
Toby trailed off, embarrassed.
"Seriously? Toby, you should have told me." Elliot checked his watch, like he was actually considering juggling his kids and Toby's moving house anniversary.
"Elliot, go be with your kids." He brushed his hand through Holly's hair. "I don't want a fuss. I just want to spend today with Holly." It was half a lie, but a white one. "I want to spend Thanksgiving with all of you." He took a step closer to Elliot. "That's what I want."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." It was nice that Elliot hesitated, but Toby wanted the man who'd make Toby secondary to his kids.
Elliot hugged him. "Congratulations, Toby. I'll pick you up when I finish work on Wednesday."
Toby felt like a kid, the way his heart picked up. "Are you sure you'll get out early?"
"I'm not going to jinx it, but Cragen's eager to see the back of me." Elliot shrugged on his overcoat. One more kiss, and he was out the door.
Thanksgiving really was what Toby was looking forward to. He'd been in a haze his first few weeks out: wandering his mother's unfamiliar house, lost for what to do, how to act. Wondering if it would be creepy to just sit and watch Holly all day every day - at least, when he wasn't staring in wonder at all the choices in the fridge, or relishing the luxury of taking a shit in private. He'd managed to get himself together to rent this place, but it was only when the family piled home for Thanksgiving that Toby started getting a grip, even if that grip was mostly on how much he didn't want to be the old Tobias Beecher.
Toby turned to Holly, who was looking put-out. He wondered if this was her way of making up for passing over his parole anniversary, or if this was the date that meant something to her. "Today's for you and me, okay?"
She sighed. "Okay."
"What do you want to do?"
She went blank. "What can we do?"
He shuffled through ideas for a couple of minutes. What did he use to do for anniversaries? The idea struck, and he smiled. "Let's get dressed up and go out to the fanciest restaurant we can book on two hours notice."
"Really? Yeah!"
Toby called around while Holly showered, and then had the much better idea of calling his mother's butler. In twenty minutes, Samuel had a table for them at Le Bernardin.
Toby pulled his good suit from the back of the closet and unzipped the bag, hoping it would still fit over his prison body. He tried to remember the last time he wore it. A night with Genevieve? No, he was pretty sure it was out to dinner and drinks - lots of drinks - with colleagues. What a waste.
He showered and shaved. It felt like a thousand years since he'd dressed up. It was lucky it had all been stored properly. If he knew his mother, she'd probably sent it to the cleaners while he was waiting on release. He took his time dressing: undershirt, dress shirt, socks, pants. Black tie. The jacket was a little tight across the shoulders, but nothing shameful.
He took a deep breath, and stepped in front of the mirror. Oh. It wasn't what he'd expected.
He'd expected to see a thirty year-old alcoholic, but that Toby was long-gone. The man in the mirror looked like he'd left forty far behind him, but Toby didn't mind that. He would have passed for one of his father's colleagues, a greying lawyer who worked too-long hours and took his family out to fancy restaurants on anniversaries. He'd take it.
He left his shoes behind and wandered through to the bathroom to find Holly in a girly pink dress, running tongs down her hair. "You own a hair straightener?"
"Yeah." She bit her lip as she separated off the next chunk of hair. With the waves pulled out, her hair almost reached her butt.
He blinked and looked closer. "You own make up?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah." It was just a little eyeliner and shadow, but it was enough to age her three or four years. She finally looked away from the mirror, and a huge grin broke across her face. "You look shiny."
Toby grinned back. "You look beautiful. All grown up."
She blushed.
"Moving in meant a lot to you, huh?"
Holly nodded, suddenly sad. "This is when it got to be just us. And I knew you weren't going back there."
That seemed fair, after what Toby did to her the first time he was paroled. There was no one in his life now who'd risk that. "No chance."
Holly put down the tongs, and gave him hug.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Toby checked over his shoulder. Holly was slumped against the window, well out of it, face occasionally lit by the headlights of passing cars. She was like that when she was a toddler; you just put her in a car and out she went.
Elliot gave him a sideways glance. "Dickie was the same. Slept on every trip we took." He checked the mirror. "I thought she'd still be talking about your anniversary dinner when we hit Massachusetts."
That night had definitely been a hit. "Holly wanted to cancel the turkey and try an all-seafood Thanksgiving. Try her hand at sauteed langoustine."
"That wouldn't have gone down well with Lizzie. I'm sorry I missed you all polished up in your suit."
Toby rolled his head along the headrest. "I don't think candlelit dinners at Le Bernardin are really our scene."
The smile softened. "You never know."
Toby could hardly believe this was really happening. He'd pushed and wheedled, and he'd got what he wanted but it seemed unreal. Elliot Stabler, grumpy crusader against criminals everywhere, was going to spend Thanksgiving with Toby. Bring his kids up to stay like they were all one big incongruous family.
It should have been terrifying: they were picking Harry up from the airport tomorrow, and Toby was going to have to explain everything, hope it didn't wreck the fragile new relationship they had. He had to hope Holly and Harry wouldn't kill each other. Elliot's kids were getting the train up the day after, and there was no telling what they were going to walk into, or what sort of chaos they were going to throw into the mix.
Whatever happened, Toby was sure it would go better with Elliot around. Toby was going to be a better man with Elliot around.
Elliot switched lanes as they crept up on another car. "Sorry we left so late."
"It's fine. We were going to arrive late, anyway. Are you sure you're all right to drive?"
"I'll let you know if I need to pull over."
The plan had been to leave in the afternoon, make it into the early traffic, stop for ice cream and dinner on the way, but of course Elliot had been held up at work.
Toby really didn't mind the time. The engine's hum was soothing, the radio low. Toby only noticed it was on because Elliot was tapping out the rhythm on his thigh, his other hand curled over the top of the wheel, eyes focused on the dark road ahead. Toby didn't care if they never got to Vermont. If they just kept on driving, all the way to the northern-most tip of Quebec, Elliot beside him and Holly sleeping peacefully in back, he'd be happy. More than happy. Content.
Chris was on his mind. He'd been thinking of Chris a lot since his long talk with Elliot. Trying to imagine Chris here, in this life, and failing.
Toby wasn't going to rewrite history, pretend it was anything other than love he'd felt for Chris. Chris had tapped a well of emotions that made Toby feel as vulnerable as Vern ever did, and that chasm was still there, echoing. It hardly seemed to make sense to use the same word for what he felt for Elliot. Elliot made him feel safe. Elliot made him look forward to next year, maybe even five years from now.
Elliot looked at him, eyebrow raised, and Toby realised he'd been staring. He faced forward, to the hypnotic roll of the highway markings under the headlights. Toby would never ruin his life for Elliot. He'd never, even for a second, compromise his relationship with Holly or Harry for Elliot. He wouldn't cover up any crimes Elliot committed. At least, not bad ones. He'd keep his mouth shut about the red light when they got off the highway for gas in Hartford.
They crept up behind another car; Elliot threw the indicator on and changed lanes again. His eyes seemed especially sharp in the darkness, his profile more angular.
Many times, Toby had inventoried the damage Chris had done to his life, alphabetised and prioritised, categorised, but he'd never counted how much Chris had fucked up his ideas of love. He'd mangled it into need and pain, an obsession that squeezed until something broke.
Elliot looked over again. "You okay?"
Toby checked Holly was still sleeping, and reached to put a hand on Elliot's thigh. "I love you."
Elliot's gaze turned back to the road, and his hands tightened on the wheel. It wasn't the response Toby expected.
The quiet stretched, and Toby wondered what he was waiting for Elliot to say. That it was too late? That it was something of an anti-climax, coming this long after Elliot said it? That Elliot didn't believe him?
Elliot glanced at Toby, eyes wide. "Toby, you don't have to-"
"I think I'd forgotten that love doesn't have to hurt. It doesn't have to cut a piece out of you. I forgot it can just... make you happy."
Elliot's hand covered his, picked it up and he kissed Toby's fingers. "I love you." He put their hands back on his leg, and there they stayed for the rest of the drive.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 56
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The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Also, by the way, you should stop back on the last chapter's comments to enjoy the lovely Toby/Elliot art from haru776.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 2936
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 56: The long drive
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 55, What good guys do:
Elliot had another bad day at work, came looking for Toby and found Holly instead. He took directly to the weights.
Holly came looking to talk - about his anger, about her anger, about what a shit Harry is.
Toby was hurt that Elliot had dug up so much of Holly's feelings on her brothers. And not willing to be pushed to force Harry to New York. But after a little sleep he came out for a deep & meaningful in front of the TV, where Elliot finally confessed to the damage the job was doing to him, the grip Chris Keller had on him, so Toby could show him how much he understood.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Holly opened the bedroom door and peeked in.
"Holly."
She closed it again, wrinkling her nose. "Is he ever going to wake up?"
Toby was starting to wonder that himself. He hadn't seen Elliot in almost a week, had been down to a few terse phone calls, and then he woke up this morning and there was Elliot, passed out on his face beside him, not a toss nor a turn to be seen.
Elliot's last visit had been heavy. After all that digging into his feelings, all that talk of Chris, it wouldn't have been unlike Elliot to hide at work all week.
Toby had given Elliot a nudge a few hours ago, just to be sure, got a grunt and a wriggle and left it at that. Elliot hadn't so much as rolled over all day. It was halfway through the afternoon, and there was still no sign. Toby missed him; it took all of his poor self control not to wake him up. Holly's impatience wasn't helping.
"How about this recipe? It uses apple."
Holly wandered back to look.
They argued their way through stuffing recipes for another thirty minutes, until they heard a quiet, "Hey."
Holly snorted. "He's alive."
Toby smiled up at the rumpled figure in his bedroom doorway, slouching sheepishly in dark sweatpants and a white tank top, muscles and tattoos bulging out all over the place. "Hey. Sleep well?"
Elliot rubbed his eyes and his stubble, scratched a hand through his hair, looking ready to go back in and pass out again. He still had creases across his face from the pillow. "Sorry."
Toby went to him, laid a hand on his chest and kissed him. With Holly back in Elliot's camp, they didn't have to play it cool anymore. Even with the sour edge of morning breath, Elliot tasted good. "Don't be sorry. I'm glad you came here." Toby wanted to crowd him straight back in there and smell his way all over this sweaty skin. Maybe Holly wouldn't mind if they disappeared for a while.
"I wish you'd woken me earlier. I gotta go home, see the kids."
Toby swallowed his disappointment. If Elliot had told him... "Do you need to go right now?"
"Nah. Got a while." He lumbered past Toby to sit at the table with all the cookbooks and recipe printouts. "What are you two working on?"
"We're planning Thanksgiving lunch," announced Holly. "Are your kids excited about Vermont?"
"They're, um, curious."
That was diplomatic. He'd been diplomatic every time Toby asked that too, which had Toby wary. Toby followed him back to the table.
"They'll like it. We went there with Gran and Grandad when I was little. How's Olivia?"
"She's getting better. Thank you for asking. She says hello."
Toby made Elliot a double-shot coffee while Holly showed him the recipe plan and asked if he preferred his corn boiled or baked.
Elliot took the coffee gratefully and tugged Toby down to sit beside him, left a hand on his thigh as Holly chatted. That was all it took for Toby to stop worrying that Elliot had been avoiding him. Elliot let Holly think aloud, agreeing with Toby whenever Toby pinched his leg. Eventually he drained his cup and gave Toby's leg a squeeze. "Now I just need to shower and brush my teeth, and I'll be human."
Toby waited a couple of minutes and then followed him into the bathroom. "You've got a towel?"
Elliot bent over the sink to spit out his toothpaste and rinse his mouth, grey briefs stretching over his ass, white tank top riding up his waist. He nodded to the towel on the side. "Helped myself. Sorry I slept so long."
"Looked like you needed it. How are you doing?"
"Good. We got the prick." Elliot's chest swelled with vicious pleasure. "You should have seen little Arden, cool as a cucumber, telling him he was going to jail for ever and ever and ever."
"How's your temper been?"
Elliot frowned, already defensive. "Why?"
Toby leaned back against the door jamb. "You wanted to be held to account. I'm asking."
The tension held a few more seconds and then Elliot let it go. "I've been fine. Hard to be a loose canon when Cragen's the one partnering me half the time."
"Did you get any sleep this week?"
"I've been sleeping in the crib, mostly. Got a couple of nights on Liv's couch when the captain kicked me out."
"How is she?"
Elliot rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. That wasn't a good sign. "It's really starting to get her down. She wants to get back to the job but half an hour of reading gives her a headache. The doctors haven't cleared her to drive; it might be months. I got her a couple of audio books, and that's helping, but I think even that pushes her concentration." He was trying to sound casual, but Toby could hear the strain. "She's starting to worry she won't ever get back to work, and it scares the hell out of her."
Toby reached out and pulled him. Elliot resisted for a second, but Toby tugged and he gave in, arms wrapping tightly around Toby's shoulders. Even then the breath in Toby's ear was carefully controlled.
Only half a minute, and when Elliot let go he was composed. "I was wondering..."
"Yes?"
"How many rooms are there in your house in Vermont?"
"It's big. We used to have our whole extended family up there. Why?"
"I know that you wanted this to be our families... Usually Olivia works Thanksgiving to let other people take off, but this year she can't work and she doesn't have-"
"Bring her."
"Are you sure? I know it's not what you-"
"I just said yes, and now you're trying to talk me out of it?" Toby liked Olivia, and one more person who was happy about Toby and Elliot being together couldn't hurt.
"I wouldn't ask but if she stays home all weekend stewing-"
"And now you're trying to convince me again?" Toby rubbed his shoulder. "Elliot, bring her. She's family to you, isn't she?"
Elliot took a deep breath. "Yeah. She is."
"Holly likes her."
"Little girls always love Olivia. Lizzie hero-worships her."
"I'd love to have her up there, El. Invite her." Toby liked that Elliot cared enough to take care of her.
Elliot kissed him, minty and fresh. "Thank you."
Toby pulled his tank top over his head. "Get yourself in the shower. You smell like you've been asleep for days."
He wandered out to tell Holly they needed to add a couple of dishes, so they started flipping back through the blue 'maybe' post-its. Holly loved the idea of Olivia coming.
Half an hour later Elliot came through and dumped his bag by the door. "I'd better be going."
Holly's face fell. "You're leaving?" It was a far cry from two weeks ago, when she would have gladly shoved him out the door.
"Elliot has to see his own family occasionally, Hol."
"But I thought you'd stay here today."
Elliot looked as bemused as Toby felt. "I've been tied up at work all week. It's been nice hanging out with you, but I miss my kids."
She looked between them. "But... today?"
Elliot looked at Toby, and Toby scratched through his brain for - oh. He hadn't noticed the date.
"Am I missing something?" asked Elliot.
"Nothing, it's-"
"It's a year since Dad and I moved into our own apartment."
Toby trailed off, embarrassed.
"Seriously? Toby, you should have told me." Elliot checked his watch, like he was actually considering juggling his kids and Toby's moving house anniversary.
"Elliot, go be with your kids." He brushed his hand through Holly's hair. "I don't want a fuss. I just want to spend today with Holly." It was half a lie, but a white one. "I want to spend Thanksgiving with all of you." He took a step closer to Elliot. "That's what I want."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." It was nice that Elliot hesitated, but Toby wanted the man who'd make Toby secondary to his kids.
Elliot hugged him. "Congratulations, Toby. I'll pick you up when I finish work on Wednesday."
Toby felt like a kid, the way his heart picked up. "Are you sure you'll get out early?"
"I'm not going to jinx it, but Cragen's eager to see the back of me." Elliot shrugged on his overcoat. One more kiss, and he was out the door.
Thanksgiving really was what Toby was looking forward to. He'd been in a haze his first few weeks out: wandering his mother's unfamiliar house, lost for what to do, how to act. Wondering if it would be creepy to just sit and watch Holly all day every day - at least, when he wasn't staring in wonder at all the choices in the fridge, or relishing the luxury of taking a shit in private. He'd managed to get himself together to rent this place, but it was only when the family piled home for Thanksgiving that Toby started getting a grip, even if that grip was mostly on how much he didn't want to be the old Tobias Beecher.
Toby turned to Holly, who was looking put-out. He wondered if this was her way of making up for passing over his parole anniversary, or if this was the date that meant something to her. "Today's for you and me, okay?"
She sighed. "Okay."
"What do you want to do?"
She went blank. "What can we do?"
He shuffled through ideas for a couple of minutes. What did he use to do for anniversaries? The idea struck, and he smiled. "Let's get dressed up and go out to the fanciest restaurant we can book on two hours notice."
"Really? Yeah!"
Toby called around while Holly showered, and then had the much better idea of calling his mother's butler. In twenty minutes, Samuel had a table for them at Le Bernardin.
Toby pulled his good suit from the back of the closet and unzipped the bag, hoping it would still fit over his prison body. He tried to remember the last time he wore it. A night with Genevieve? No, he was pretty sure it was out to dinner and drinks - lots of drinks - with colleagues. What a waste.
He showered and shaved. It felt like a thousand years since he'd dressed up. It was lucky it had all been stored properly. If he knew his mother, she'd probably sent it to the cleaners while he was waiting on release. He took his time dressing: undershirt, dress shirt, socks, pants. Black tie. The jacket was a little tight across the shoulders, but nothing shameful.
He took a deep breath, and stepped in front of the mirror. Oh. It wasn't what he'd expected.
He'd expected to see a thirty year-old alcoholic, but that Toby was long-gone. The man in the mirror looked like he'd left forty far behind him, but Toby didn't mind that. He would have passed for one of his father's colleagues, a greying lawyer who worked too-long hours and took his family out to fancy restaurants on anniversaries. He'd take it.
He left his shoes behind and wandered through to the bathroom to find Holly in a girly pink dress, running tongs down her hair. "You own a hair straightener?"
"Yeah." She bit her lip as she separated off the next chunk of hair. With the waves pulled out, her hair almost reached her butt.
He blinked and looked closer. "You own make up?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah." It was just a little eyeliner and shadow, but it was enough to age her three or four years. She finally looked away from the mirror, and a huge grin broke across her face. "You look shiny."
Toby grinned back. "You look beautiful. All grown up."
She blushed.
"Moving in meant a lot to you, huh?"
Holly nodded, suddenly sad. "This is when it got to be just us. And I knew you weren't going back there."
That seemed fair, after what Toby did to her the first time he was paroled. There was no one in his life now who'd risk that. "No chance."
Holly put down the tongs, and gave him hug.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Toby checked over his shoulder. Holly was slumped against the window, well out of it, face occasionally lit by the headlights of passing cars. She was like that when she was a toddler; you just put her in a car and out she went.
Elliot gave him a sideways glance. "Dickie was the same. Slept on every trip we took." He checked the mirror. "I thought she'd still be talking about your anniversary dinner when we hit Massachusetts."
That night had definitely been a hit. "Holly wanted to cancel the turkey and try an all-seafood Thanksgiving. Try her hand at sauteed langoustine."
"That wouldn't have gone down well with Lizzie. I'm sorry I missed you all polished up in your suit."
Toby rolled his head along the headrest. "I don't think candlelit dinners at Le Bernardin are really our scene."
The smile softened. "You never know."
Toby could hardly believe this was really happening. He'd pushed and wheedled, and he'd got what he wanted but it seemed unreal. Elliot Stabler, grumpy crusader against criminals everywhere, was going to spend Thanksgiving with Toby. Bring his kids up to stay like they were all one big incongruous family.
It should have been terrifying: they were picking Harry up from the airport tomorrow, and Toby was going to have to explain everything, hope it didn't wreck the fragile new relationship they had. He had to hope Holly and Harry wouldn't kill each other. Elliot's kids were getting the train up the day after, and there was no telling what they were going to walk into, or what sort of chaos they were going to throw into the mix.
Whatever happened, Toby was sure it would go better with Elliot around. Toby was going to be a better man with Elliot around.
Elliot switched lanes as they crept up on another car. "Sorry we left so late."
"It's fine. We were going to arrive late, anyway. Are you sure you're all right to drive?"
"I'll let you know if I need to pull over."
The plan had been to leave in the afternoon, make it into the early traffic, stop for ice cream and dinner on the way, but of course Elliot had been held up at work.
Toby really didn't mind the time. The engine's hum was soothing, the radio low. Toby only noticed it was on because Elliot was tapping out the rhythm on his thigh, his other hand curled over the top of the wheel, eyes focused on the dark road ahead. Toby didn't care if they never got to Vermont. If they just kept on driving, all the way to the northern-most tip of Quebec, Elliot beside him and Holly sleeping peacefully in back, he'd be happy. More than happy. Content.
Chris was on his mind. He'd been thinking of Chris a lot since his long talk with Elliot. Trying to imagine Chris here, in this life, and failing.
Toby wasn't going to rewrite history, pretend it was anything other than love he'd felt for Chris. Chris had tapped a well of emotions that made Toby feel as vulnerable as Vern ever did, and that chasm was still there, echoing. It hardly seemed to make sense to use the same word for what he felt for Elliot. Elliot made him feel safe. Elliot made him look forward to next year, maybe even five years from now.
Elliot looked at him, eyebrow raised, and Toby realised he'd been staring. He faced forward, to the hypnotic roll of the highway markings under the headlights. Toby would never ruin his life for Elliot. He'd never, even for a second, compromise his relationship with Holly or Harry for Elliot. He wouldn't cover up any crimes Elliot committed. At least, not bad ones. He'd keep his mouth shut about the red light when they got off the highway for gas in Hartford.
They crept up behind another car; Elliot threw the indicator on and changed lanes again. His eyes seemed especially sharp in the darkness, his profile more angular.
Many times, Toby had inventoried the damage Chris had done to his life, alphabetised and prioritised, categorised, but he'd never counted how much Chris had fucked up his ideas of love. He'd mangled it into need and pain, an obsession that squeezed until something broke.
Elliot looked over again. "You okay?"
Toby checked Holly was still sleeping, and reached to put a hand on Elliot's thigh. "I love you."
Elliot's gaze turned back to the road, and his hands tightened on the wheel. It wasn't the response Toby expected.
The quiet stretched, and Toby wondered what he was waiting for Elliot to say. That it was too late? That it was something of an anti-climax, coming this long after Elliot said it? That Elliot didn't believe him?
Elliot glanced at Toby, eyes wide. "Toby, you don't have to-"
"I think I'd forgotten that love doesn't have to hurt. It doesn't have to cut a piece out of you. I forgot it can just... make you happy."
Elliot's hand covered his, picked it up and he kissed Toby's fingers. "I love you." He put their hands back on his leg, and there they stayed for the rest of the drive.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 56
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