loneliness
i know its largely overthinking that's my problem. becasue who else would be sad after having a day off?
(do not read if ur likely to get annoyed with the whinging and attempts to self-analyse)
time is literally crawling. and i know that i'm impatient. but it's like nothing is helping or aiding it at all. it's like 'u're on ur own for the next 2 weeks, and then after that hopefully things might be better'... it's stupid that most of my happiness is riding on seve coming back (and others as well, and work ending)...
and i know it's incredibly stupid to be so hurt by this whole valentine's day thing, but for some reason it's really eating at me. maybe cos chadstone is slowly morphing into couple-capital and i know tuesday will be full of that sort of thing. and i know i'm lucky to have seve, but he's not going to be here... he's been not so enthusiastic with msging. i'm constantly paranoid and sad and i konw it must annoy him, because who wouldn't be annoyed. but still... i mean, to be single and alone on valentines day is shit. i know. but at least it's expected and u know it's coming. u can find comfort in other single friends. but i'm going to be alone while still not single. what is that? it's like, the love day of the year and i'm missing it. and all the 'think of the catching up u can do when he gets back' doesn't help because time is crawling and becuase it's so far in the future realisticly that there is no way u can count on things working out. it's just stupid.
so stupid - having a minor freak-out abt a day of the year. it just sucks that christmas and new year were shit, and now another holiday is going to be shit even tho it shouldn't be.
the fundamental worry under all this? i don't think he cares. i don't think it matters to him abt valentines day and he doesn't realise or something.... i mean, he cares in an obligatory way, but he doesn't really care.
and work is just getting worse adn worse. i fear that when uni starts i won't get enough hours to pay for the car. i'm angry that my parents keep telling me what to do regarding the car and work and yet they're doing absolutely nothing to help me pay for the goddamn thing. that they're acting like it was my choice to get it, when i was meant to have one a year ago, with them paying for it.
i'm tired of being sad. but can't seem to find anything to make me feel better or comfort.me. the only time i feel normal is when i'm being an absolute bitch. i feel like my soul is being destroyed, and the threshold has been reached where i can't ignore it or cope with it anymore. i've returned to trying not to eat. i've returned to the 'hurt myself however i can without any physical signs' thinking. two weeks isn't the end of it all. two weeks won't lead to the happy ending... becasue to be honest, i think i'm scared of everyone coming back. i think i'm scared of something and i don't know what it is yet. but there's some bit of me that's dreading it. maybe because i've lately been blaming every sad feeling on work and the break and once uni starts i won't have that scapegoat. but maybe it's simpler. maybe i'm scared that the happiness that i've been holding out for for the past two and a half months won't eventuate.
no one can tell me things will work out. becasue the more i see of other poeple and their lives, the more i realise that life doesn't just work out. and that often it just fucks u over. so if life isn't getting better, and i've lost sight of the future, why am i still here? because there's still some part of me that hopes.