i like this entry, in the sense that it is interesting to think about. i think the point at which i started being really, really, really unimpressed with life was when i started caring so much what other people think - or, when i started realizing that my mother was not the universe. that she wasn't the only one i had to keep in mind when i did stuff. it was so safe, her being the universe. and she was a good one, too, because obviously she didn't let me run wild like all the damn kids get to these days, no kid is getting raised properly anymore, at least i got raised all properly, man. never cried or whined, always said thank you. and was painfully straight-forward too, but that was just me, hah
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and (jesus christ i should stop typing) i definitely think all this is one of the reasons why i was so reactant in high school. i remember in the first year, we were doing this test, and the word "come" [klaarkomen] was in there, in a really mundane sentence, of course, nothing sexual at all, but the boys started giggling and sneering about it, and i was sitting there going fuck, i don't get it but at the same time i did get it and it made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed, that they were all.. doing that kind of stuff. and i felt vulnerable, not being in that [what i now know to be childish but then mistook for being more grown-up] frame of mind whatsoever, and i kind of knew that i was either going to be the one being picked on unless i dammed myself in against that sort of stuff. so i grew to be the hot-headed, hostile, reactant child i was in those first few years. there was more to it, but this was part of it. definitely. it was kill or be killed. it was a defence mechanism that kicked in before i really needed it. and
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and (jesus christ i should stop typing) i definitely think all this is one of the reasons why i was so reactant in high school. i remember in the first year, we were doing this test, and the word "come" [klaarkomen] was in there, in a really mundane sentence, of course, nothing sexual at all, but the boys started giggling and sneering about it, and i was sitting there going fuck, i don't get it but at the same time i did get it and it made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed, that they were all.. doing that kind of stuff. and i felt vulnerable, not being in that [what i now know to be childish but then mistook for being more grown-up] frame of mind whatsoever, and i kind of knew that i was either going to be the one being picked on unless i dammed myself in against that sort of stuff. so i grew to be the hot-headed, hostile, reactant child i was in those first few years. there was more to it, but this was part of it. definitely. it was kill or be killed. it was a defence mechanism that kicked in before i really needed it. and ( ... )
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