(no subject)
I hate being a burden… and that’s what I feel like now. I have no money or income and am a drain on my parents and my roommate. I tried to get a job again, but no one wants to hire me when I can only stay for a couple of months. I’m useless to a company like that. It’s like everybody else has to pick up the slack for me because I can no longer be useful.
I’ve always tried to be an independent person. I don’t like to trust other people, to depend on other people, to let other people do things for me. I want to do things myself so I know they get done, but more so I’m not a burden to anyone. I just hate inconveniencing people for my own needs.
And now that’s all I feel I can do. My parents are all thinking I should give up on school. I’ve cost them too much money already and they think this will just hurt them and me more. I’ve been such a financial burden on them… and what do I have to show for it…. sure an education in something probably useless in getting a job in a field that’s proved to already hate me and reject me just for who I am. I feel like giving up on what I want to do, what I feel called to do to just be practical and get a mundane job.
Then I feel like a burden every day at home. Every piece of food, every time I use anything, knowing I didn’t pay for it, knowing I’m using up someone else’s money. I feel like refusing to eat until I can pay for my own food, refusing to use energy until I can pay for it, hell even living on the street just because I don’t deserve to be living here for free.
Yet I do none of this… because in the long run, it’s stupid. I can’t just give up on my dreams and future because it will be worth it. I can’t just reject the food and shelter so generously given to me. Neither would really benefit me, even if it might make me feel less burdensome for some time.
I don’t know. It’s just the feeling of uselessness. It’s like I have nothing to offer in return. I’m a black hole that sucks up resources and gives nothing back. I mean… what use am I… what good do I do? I just feel like the answer to that is none.
And then there’s next year. Anxiety aplenty. The past couple of days I’ve just been feeling rather replaceable. I think back to the Friends episode about Kip. Kip was Chandler’s roommate before Joey. Kip moved out, didn’t even move that far away, just like the other side of town. Everyone promised to keep in touch with him…. but no one did… they all just forgot about him. Joey came in and they had friends that were in closer proximity that was all they needed… so they just replaced Kip.
It’s like next year I’m gonna be all alone again. I’m gonna leave my friends behind here. And they’re all gonna stay together and hang out…. but I’m gonna be forgotten. I’m going to be far away… out of sight, out of mind. Everything will go on without me like my presence made no difference. I’ll be gone and it won’t matter.
All of this is stupid. I feel depressed…. so my feelings are highlighting negatives and not paying attention to positives. Things aren’t that bad. I’m a burden, but I must be worth it or no one would put up with me. Even far away I’ll still be able to talk to my friends, even if it is less and I may never get to physically see them again. And a new year is a new year. I may find other friends to fill the void.
I’ll feel better later…. maybe tomorrow, maybe in a couple of days… but it will come. Feeling shitty like this is just now… and I’m indulging it because giving voice to it helps me deal with it and let it go.
Finding some certainty will also help. With so much up in the air, I feel like I have no control of my life and am just lost in the desert. I just need to find a few landmarks to help me get a bearing on where I’m going so I can feel where I’ve been hasn’t been worthless.
I should sleep now… it’ll make me feel better… or at least allow me not to feel or think for a time.