Two Whole Weeks.... It's Guinness Book of Records Time
It’s been over two entire weeks since my last non-private entry. I think I broke my own record there. And it’s not like there hasn’t been news or anything…. I think I’ve just been too depressed to care…. which is less good. Anyway… no creepy here…. just stuff.
So… to start…. I got into LMU, or Loyola Marymount University this past Friday. He called in the afternoon…. I screened it… then called back… it was nice…. then he we talked a little about assistantships and stuff and he told me to send him my resume and the application form since he was reviewing applicants that afternoon. I’m really liking the school… maybe leaning towards it, but still unsure.
Today has been one of those days where I’ve been in a funk.
It started with waking up from a dream. The dream was me in high school…. it was my first day back from a very long absence. Everybody was looking at their midterm report cards and they were giving them out in one room. I didn’t want to go get mine because it was going to suck. I was walking through the halls just dreading facing class. I hadn’t been there in so long I wasn’t sure where I sat, what was going on in class, etc. Anyway…. I faced it and got to class early. It was math class. I found a seat on the right side of the classroom, vaguely remembering that I had sat on the left side before, but figuring it wouldn’t matter. The class eventually filled up and I was looking as the teacher was writing what we were going to go over in class today. I had missed like two whole chapters, but luckily it was stuff I knew. So the new chapter we were starting today it would be okay I had no idea what was going on with it. Then I noticed that with my new seat, Caleb Morgan was sitting right in front of me. He leaned back in his chair and his head was practically in my face. I just stayed where I was, my mouth and nose an inch from the back of his head. That’s when I woke up. Alarm…. Red Wings game.
I was really tired…. considered going back to sleep… but fuck no…. game 6. And it was a good game…. 3-0 victory for Detroit…. a real close came until the end. Detroit played well… weathered the Nashville storm for the first 5-10 minutes and then smothered the hell out of them. Outshot them 43-20. Ellis was very good again… but still not enough for his team.
Then came homework for a while… and then bowling… which brought with it a whole bunch of unwanted baggage. For the past couple of weeks bowling has been stressing me out money wise. I feel more and more guilty about it. I have no money and to spend it on anything is shitty. I don’t drink soda anymore, I don’t buy anything anymore. I can’t remember the last time I treated myself to anything, not even a coffee. So bowling keeps feeling more and more like and extravagance. But…. I signed up for it, we took a team’s slot…. I feel obligated to show up every week. They hate all the teams that don’t. Plus….. I fucking love it. It’s such a huge pickmeup at times. I just get so pumped and have such a good time that the $6 feels worth it. But still…. there is always the guilt.
Well…. tonight the guilt was horrible. The whole walk there I was practically shaking. I just felt awful… so guilty, like such an evil person. I got there, paid, and warmed up by myself and just couldn’t even care where my ball even went. I think I actually got a couple of strikes on my first warm-up shots….. but I just felt so miserable. Eventually I sat down and just stared into space and let the misery wash over me. I eventually got up and threw some more balls.
Eventually people showed up and the actual bowling started…. I started off Strike Strike. Still felt atrocious… but good start made me feel somewhat better. And then the music happened and just fucking changed everything… it was fucking amazing. DragonForce - Soldiers of the Wasteland, P!nk - Just Like A Pill, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson - Thriller, DragonForce - Cry For Eternity. It was just awesome….. and lots of stuff on my playlist. It just fucking got me pumped. I just wanted to become even more of a horrible fag than I already am. And combined with good bowling and ogling of cute bartender….. it just made my night awesome.
Then he bowling was awesome…. close games. John and I bowled good first game and beat our opponents. Second game we started out horrible both of us the first two frames. Just fail. But we both finished up strong…. hitting the pins when we needed to in the last frame to win by like 4. Last game…. I started turkey….. which was badass…. plus hat throwing. Bowled okay after the good start…finished with solid 178… and we beat them again, close here too. It was a nice sweep for team Hat Throwers.
Then came coming home, eating, watching some fucking awesome Everwood…. because that show makes me so happily emo when I want to be emo and so happy when I want to be happy. I love that show so much…. and watching it again realize why I’m in love with Gregory Smith…..because he is just so fucking adorable in that show….. both the character of Ephram Brown and in just how fucking sexy he looks in shot after shot.
So now I’m sitting in my room listening to emo music….. including Taty’s Gomenasai which has been stuck in my head all week and which I thought the DragonForce would get out, but did not……. anyway… listening to emo music and wandering what’s become of my life.
I don’t know…. I just feel like I’ve positively sucked at life in the past few months. I feel like I just can’t get anything going right. I feel out of it and just uncaring… lethargic. I want to sleep more and more and fuck everything else. Part of me feels so anxious to just get the fuck out of here…. to run as fast as I can and move on to the rest of my life that has nothing to do with where I am right now…. and the rest of me wants to crawl into a ball and withdraw from existence.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore…. vague descriptions of vague feelings. I think I’m gonna go curl into a ball and withdraw from existence for a bit….. turn off the lights.... listen to emo music….. give myself some time to think and just be away from everything that has to do with my life. It should make me feel better.
Later all.
So… to start…. I got into LMU, or Loyola Marymount University this past Friday. He called in the afternoon…. I screened it… then called back… it was nice…. then he we talked a little about assistantships and stuff and he told me to send him my resume and the application form since he was reviewing applicants that afternoon. I’m really liking the school… maybe leaning towards it, but still unsure.
Today has been one of those days where I’ve been in a funk.
It started with waking up from a dream. The dream was me in high school…. it was my first day back from a very long absence. Everybody was looking at their midterm report cards and they were giving them out in one room. I didn’t want to go get mine because it was going to suck. I was walking through the halls just dreading facing class. I hadn’t been there in so long I wasn’t sure where I sat, what was going on in class, etc. Anyway…. I faced it and got to class early. It was math class. I found a seat on the right side of the classroom, vaguely remembering that I had sat on the left side before, but figuring it wouldn’t matter. The class eventually filled up and I was looking as the teacher was writing what we were going to go over in class today. I had missed like two whole chapters, but luckily it was stuff I knew. So the new chapter we were starting today it would be okay I had no idea what was going on with it. Then I noticed that with my new seat, Caleb Morgan was sitting right in front of me. He leaned back in his chair and his head was practically in my face. I just stayed where I was, my mouth and nose an inch from the back of his head. That’s when I woke up. Alarm…. Red Wings game.
I was really tired…. considered going back to sleep… but fuck no…. game 6. And it was a good game…. 3-0 victory for Detroit…. a real close came until the end. Detroit played well… weathered the Nashville storm for the first 5-10 minutes and then smothered the hell out of them. Outshot them 43-20. Ellis was very good again… but still not enough for his team.
Then came homework for a while… and then bowling… which brought with it a whole bunch of unwanted baggage. For the past couple of weeks bowling has been stressing me out money wise. I feel more and more guilty about it. I have no money and to spend it on anything is shitty. I don’t drink soda anymore, I don’t buy anything anymore. I can’t remember the last time I treated myself to anything, not even a coffee. So bowling keeps feeling more and more like and extravagance. But…. I signed up for it, we took a team’s slot…. I feel obligated to show up every week. They hate all the teams that don’t. Plus….. I fucking love it. It’s such a huge pickmeup at times. I just get so pumped and have such a good time that the $6 feels worth it. But still…. there is always the guilt.
Well…. tonight the guilt was horrible. The whole walk there I was practically shaking. I just felt awful… so guilty, like such an evil person. I got there, paid, and warmed up by myself and just couldn’t even care where my ball even went. I think I actually got a couple of strikes on my first warm-up shots….. but I just felt so miserable. Eventually I sat down and just stared into space and let the misery wash over me. I eventually got up and threw some more balls.
Eventually people showed up and the actual bowling started…. I started off Strike Strike. Still felt atrocious… but good start made me feel somewhat better. And then the music happened and just fucking changed everything… it was fucking amazing. DragonForce - Soldiers of the Wasteland, P!nk - Just Like A Pill, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson - Thriller, DragonForce - Cry For Eternity. It was just awesome….. and lots of stuff on my playlist. It just fucking got me pumped. I just wanted to become even more of a horrible fag than I already am. And combined with good bowling and ogling of cute bartender….. it just made my night awesome.
Then he bowling was awesome…. close games. John and I bowled good first game and beat our opponents. Second game we started out horrible both of us the first two frames. Just fail. But we both finished up strong…. hitting the pins when we needed to in the last frame to win by like 4. Last game…. I started turkey….. which was badass…. plus hat throwing. Bowled okay after the good start…finished with solid 178… and we beat them again, close here too. It was a nice sweep for team Hat Throwers.
Then came coming home, eating, watching some fucking awesome Everwood…. because that show makes me so happily emo when I want to be emo and so happy when I want to be happy. I love that show so much…. and watching it again realize why I’m in love with Gregory Smith…..because he is just so fucking adorable in that show….. both the character of Ephram Brown and in just how fucking sexy he looks in shot after shot.
So now I’m sitting in my room listening to emo music….. including Taty’s Gomenasai which has been stuck in my head all week and which I thought the DragonForce would get out, but did not……. anyway… listening to emo music and wandering what’s become of my life.
I don’t know…. I just feel like I’ve positively sucked at life in the past few months. I feel like I just can’t get anything going right. I feel out of it and just uncaring… lethargic. I want to sleep more and more and fuck everything else. Part of me feels so anxious to just get the fuck out of here…. to run as fast as I can and move on to the rest of my life that has nothing to do with where I am right now…. and the rest of me wants to crawl into a ball and withdraw from existence.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore…. vague descriptions of vague feelings. I think I’m gonna go curl into a ball and withdraw from existence for a bit….. turn off the lights.... listen to emo music….. give myself some time to think and just be away from everything that has to do with my life. It should make me feel better.
Later all.