For Tx Tart by asjbg
Title: It Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Rating: R, for language
Pairing: Fraser/RayK
Request: 1. slash, 2. Fraser/Ray Kowalski, 3. Jealousy - Since they are so rare, I'd really love to see a jealous Fraser story but either one is good, 4. Post CotW, 5. Canada. Please no mpreg, kidfic, noncon
Note to Recipient: It was really hard for me to incorporate jealous!Fraser into a post-CotW Canada story. I kept thinking, he’s got Ray and Canada, what’s he got to be jealous of? He’d be too happy to be jealous!! But I finally came up with an idea. Hope you like it! Merry Christmas!
It Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~
Fraser arrived at the detachment headquarters exhausted from a twelve day patrol of his assigned territory. This tour, like many others since he began his assignment with the Paulatuk Detachment, had been…uneventful. “Boring.” Ray’s voice echoed in his mind.
It bode well for the communities he served that no criminal activity seemed to be occurring, and it gave Fraser the opportunity to explore and experience the wonderfully diverse landscape and reconnect with his homeland and people. But he couldn’t deny that Chicago had been a bit more exhilarating.
“Fraser, my friend, you’re either an adrenaline junkie or completely unhinged.”
"I suppose I should be grateful you don't think I'm both."
Fraser shook his head, frowning ruefully. It was true. He was something of an ‘adrenaline junkie.’ Ah well. As long as it doesn’t interfere with the execution of my duties it would be foolish to worry about it. Looming much larger in the landscape of worries that filled his mind of late was the situation with Ray. Or rather, the situation without Ray.
When they’d first begun co-habiting after their adventure, Ray had always been home to greet him, and Fraser had looked forward to his homecomings, knowing that after almost two weeks of celibacy, he could count on Ray for a very enthusiastic welcome home.
But that had changed.
Lately, Ray hadn’t been home to greet him at all, much less enthusiastically, when Fraser returned from patrol. The first time, Ray had apologized profusely, saying he was out setting traps with Dan and had lost track of the time. He’d then smiled wickedly and said, “I’ll make it up to you, Ben. I’ll make it up to you till you can’t walk straight,” and Fraser had quickly forgotten his disappointment.
But then it had happened again. And again. And again.
Fraser never said anything, always quietly accepting Ray’s absence and greeting him enthusiastically when he finally returned. From fishing with the guys or repairing Mrs. Watts’ snowmobile or more often than not, some activity with Dan Aariak. Dan, with his 56-inch television set and his wall of American movies and his knowledge of American baseball and…and…and…his time alone with Ray. It seemed Ray spent more time with Dan Aariak than with him.
Whatever the excuse-I mean reason. Not excuse. Reason-for Ray's absence, Fraser tried never to indicate he was upset, and further, he tried not to be upset. He tried to focus on the positive, grateful that Ray was here at all. After all, he had relocated his entire life, gave up his job, left a city of 2.8 million people for a remote Canadian community of only 312. It was a miracle Ray was here at all. Frankly, it was selfish for him to make further demands of Ray.
But try as he might, he couldn't reason away the disappointment that coursed through him every time he returned to their empty, lonely cabin. It was inevitable that he'd slip, that he'd indicate his unhappiness. When it had finally happened, almost four months ago, he'd attempted to make a joke of it, but Ray had seen through him. He'd never been very good at lying.
“I’m sorry, Frase. You know it don’t mean nothing though, right? I’m always glad when you fina-uh, when you get home, and a’course I want to be here when you get here. It’s just hard to try and build a life up here and be predicting exactly when you’re gonna get home. You gotta admit your arrivals are kinda unpredictable.”
“I understand perfectly, Ray. I never meant for you to infer you should be waiting at home for me.”
“Well, I guess inferred wrong then, Ben,” Ray replied dubiously. “So, we cool?”
“We are indeed.
“Greatness coz I got about a million things to tell you and then we gotta have sex-or maybe the other way around-coz I can tell you for sure, Benton, ten days without you is really hard, if you know what I mean.”
Fraser had laughed, and Ray had kissed him, and everything was OK again.
Fraser understood. He did. Truly. Due to the unpredictable nature of police work, especially at a remote detachment like Paulatuk, Fraser rarely arrived home on the day his patrol was scheduled to end. But he still wished Ray were home to greet him, and he couldn’t help drawing conclusions from Ray’s repeated absences. If Ray was happy here…if Ray missed me…if Ray cared…if Ray didn’t spend so much time with Dan…he would be home.
Fraser knew he was overanalyzing. Ray often told him, laughingly, “You think too much, Fraser.” He’d always innocently reply, “How does one think too much, Ray?” and Ray would respond by licking his neck, and Fraser would stop thinking altogether. But Ray wasn’t always available to distract Fraser from his worries and in a sense, that was the problem. But Ray is happy here. I’m sure of it. He exhibits none of the signs of depression. He’s keeping quite active and is making a life for himself here. With me. He wants to be here. True, he no longer makes an effort to be there when I arrive home but when he does eventually return, he gives every indication that he’s…pleased…I’ve returned.
Sighing morosely, Fraser forced his thoughts away from Ray and returned to the business at hand-paperwork, creating a record of his observations and findings from the last twelve days. He hadn’t arrested any malfeasants nor encountered any activities requiring a follow-up visit. He was therefore able to complete his reports quickly and was ready to leave for home-the cabin he shared with Ray-within a half an hour of arriving. After confirming with Constable Tulugaq, the only other member of Paulatuk’s remote detachment, that there were no changes to the patrolling schedule, Fraser bid him farewell and signaled to Dief that it was time to leave.
They stepped outside together, and Fraser made a face as Dief immediately ran off towards the cabin, determined to arrive home before Fraser. Since their return to Canada, Dief had been trying to “reconnect with his roots” as he had told Fraser after returning from a three month disappearance. Dief had resumed his life at Fraser’s-and now Ray’s-side, but he’d developed some strange ideas. He now considered it an insult to his wild brothers if Fraser, on his snowmobile, arrived home first. Apparently, it was an affront to his honor if he couldn’t run faster than a man-made machine, especially such a small one.
Consequently, Dief now made every effort to outrun Fraser’s RCMP-issued snowmobile and be waiting by the door when Fraser arrived. He generally attempted a casual pose, endeavoring to look as though he weren’t wholly exhausted, but Fraser was well aware that a wolf could reach speeds of 56 kph whereas a modern snowmobile could attain 160 kph. Fraser generally, time and weather permitting and despite his eagerness to get home, ensured Dief would arrive first by taking the long route, knowing full well that Dief would take the shortest route, a straight line. Discretion was, after all, the better part of valor.
Personally, Fraser felt that Dief was grasping at straws in trying to maintain his credibility as a wild animal by outrunning snowmobiles. He voiced this opinion to Dief who countered with an argument that most of his non-wild behaviors were the result of allowances he made for living with and protecting Fraser. To support his position, he peed on Fraser’s uniform jacket and chewed on one of Fraser’s boots as, he maintained, a wild animal would do.
Ray had found this highly amusing, clutching his stomach and shaking with laughter. Fraser had glared briefly at Ray, before turning back to Diefenbaker and conceding the debate. Dief had graciously accepted his victory.
“You pay and you pay and you pay,” Fraser muttered as Dief marched huffily off to his bed in the corner.
“You’re just afraid he’ll go for the hat next,” Ray gasped between fits of laughter.
Outside the detachment, Fraser shook his head and rolled his eyes as he watched Dief disappear into the woods. He proceeded to his snowmobile and sat down, pausing to take a few deep breaths, trying to fortify himself for what awaited him-or not-at home. He was reluctant to leave the detachment, not knowing if Ray would be there to greet him when he arrived at their cabin. For heaven’s sake! If I am, in fact, not already ‘unhinged,’ I’m going to become so if I don’t stop tormenting myself with these upsetting, unproductive and frankly, obsessive thoughts.
Indeed, it had become a form of torture. Arriving home to an empty cabin now filled Fraser with sadness and anxiety. He'd putter about the cabin, imagining all sorts of dreadful scenarios, the worst being that Ray never returned home. Fraser would envision receiving a letter from Chicago saying it was too much, too hard, too cold, too boring. Or worse, that he'd found someone else.
Fraser shook his head, bringing himself out of his reverie-again-and started the snowmobile. I'm a grown man. I can spend a few hours alone in my-our-cabin. It doesn’t mean anything. Ray has his own life. That’s important.
Taking a deep breath and forcing a smile to his face, Fraser started up the snowmobile and headed home. The journey took approximately half an hour as he was in no mood to humor Dief and hence, had taken the direct route. Stopping in front of the cabin, he quickly noted that once again Ray wasn’t there to greet him. Dief, however, stood on the stoop gloating, pleased that he’d beat Fraser home again. Fraser ignored him and went back to obsessing about Ray.
“Perhaps I should lengthen my patrols. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, does it not?” he said aloud.
Dief made his ‘you’re a dumbass’ face-Ray had dubbed it thus-and whined to be let inside.
“Would it pain you to offer me some measure of sympathy? To commiserate, perhaps? He’s not here to greet you either, after all.”
Dief remained unperturbed.
“Man’s best friend indeed,” grumbled Fraser.
Shaking his head at Dief’s woeful lack of compassion, Fraser opened the door and quickly went about his homecoming routine. He stoked up the fire and put a pot of stew on the stove, leaving it to heat up while he showered and changed. He then sat down to a hot meal and once again, his thoughts turned to Ray.
When Ray had elected to stay with him in Canada, he had hoped Ray might join him at the RCMP. He’d envisioned resuming their duet, performing much as they had in Chicago, but with windswept snow and the northern lights as their backdrop instead of dark alleys and street lights.
Fraser had felt certain that the scarcity of officers willing to accept such a remote posting, combined with Ray’s role in the Muldoon affair would have secured Ray a position with the RCMP, perhaps in a liaison capacity similar to Fraser’s role in Chicago.
But Ray had….declined…to pursue that course of action.
It was nearing the end of their adventure, and they were discussing what was to come next. Fraser had been happily blithering his thoughts, flush with excitement about the possibilities life now seemed to hold. He was home, and he was with Ray-with Ray-both circumstances he’d once thought never to occur.
Fraser told Ray his idea, expecting Ray to be as excited as he was. But Ray had a...different perspective.
“I gotta do my own thing, Frase,” Ray said as they lay in the tent, curled around each other. “I wanna stay with you. You know I wanna stay with you. I’m going to stay. But I gotta do my own thing.”
Fraser was surprised and extremely disappointed, but endeavored not to indicate as such.
“If this is gonna work, I can’t be following you around everywhere, living your life. I gotta have my own life. Besides, we both know I ain’t the great outdoorsman you are. I’m a city boy, born and bred. I’m having a great time out here, but this ain’t just camping or something. If I had to do this on a regular-type basis…I think I could come to hate it. And maybe hate you coz of it and that would suck. You understand, Fraser?”
“Yes. Of course,” he replied. But he hadn’t. He hadn’t understood, not really.
“Your new posting, this Polly place-“
“Paulatuk”
“Pollytuck. You said you can only get there by plane in the winter, right? Maybe I’ll learn to fly. Can you imagine me flying a plane? How cool would that be?”
“Very cool.” Fraser smiled at Ray in the dim light offered by the lantern. Ray’s enthusiasm was infectious.
“We’ll still be partners. Still be a duet. It’ll just change some. I mean…it’s already changed.” Ray slid his hand down Fraser’s back and squeezed his posterior. “And I’m pretty happy with the changes so far,” he said, smiling his most endearingly vulgar smile.
Fraser laughed and flipped Ray over onto his back, then kissed him deeply.
In the end, he had understood Ray's choice. A posting in the far North was his dream, not Ray's. Patrolling the remote regions of his homeland, was his passion, not Ray's. And if Ray was to stay with him, it was important Ray find his own way. It truly was the only solution, the only way he could hope to secure his future with Ray. Still, he had felt keenly disappointed that a cherished phase of their duet was ending. True, it had heralded the beginning of another, very satisfying phase. One much closer to Fraser's heart, but...he missed working with Ray. And increasingly he wondered if Ray missed him.
Fraser was once again pulled from his thoughts as he heard Ray’s snowmobile approaching. He glanced at the clock on the mantel. It was nearly ten o’clock in the evening.
“Honey, I’m home,” Ray yelled as he opened the door.
Ray's cheerful demeanor only served to irritate Fraser whose formerly pensive mood now turned angry. He attempted to remain stoic, however, and looking up from his seat at the table, he smiled politely at Ray and then went back to calmly eating his stew.
Ray didn’t seem to notice Fraser’s mood. He just smiled brightly and walked straight to Fraser without even removing his boots or jacket. Insinuating himself between Fraser and the table, he straddled Fraser’s chair, sat in his lap and kissed the hell out of him.
Eventually, Fraser broke the kiss gasping for air and smiling stupidly. His mood was somewhat improved.
“Did you have a good day, Ray?” he asked breathlessly.
Ray winked at Fraser and got up. He returned to the door and proceeded to take of his boots and coat.
“Yeah, pretty good. Spent the day hanging out with Dan. He’s got this crazy idea for a video rental business."
At the mention of Dan's name, Fraser's mood took another detour, instantly turning sour. He sat there stiff and silent, finishing his dinner as Ray continued to blither on about Dan's latest harebrained scheme.
Eventually Ray noticed his silence. After several fruitless attempts to engage Fraser in conversation, Ray evidently realized something was amiss.
“I do something to piss you off?” he inquired.
“Certainly not, Ray.”
“You sure? Cause you’re being kinda quiet. Usually you’re talking up a storm by now.”
Fraser replied, "I suppose it's the environment. In such an isolated setting, it's not uncommon for a person to go months without speaking to another human being. I’ve been on patrol for twelve days you recall."
"Exactly. Twelve days on your own, 'cept for the odd Inuit guy or gal. I'd think you'd have ten times as much stuff to go on about,” Ray said, eyes shining with humor.
Fraser didn’t respond. He turned back to his stew and continued eating his dinner.
“C’mon, Fraser. You gotta at least have a new Inuit story for me.”
“I’m afraid I can’t think of any that are appropriate at this juncture. Moreover, it’s getting late. We should go to sleep now so we’re properly rested for tomorrow.”
“Properly rested? Properly rested for what? You got some big plans for tomorrow I don’t know about?”
“No, Ray, I merely thought-“
“Fraser! You’re doing it again,” Ray said, glaring.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You’re being all girly, expecting me to be a mind reader! How’m I supposed to fix this if I don’t know what the hell I did wrong?”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Ray. Perhaps you’re just overtired,” replied Fraser snottily.
He collected the dinner dishes and walked into the kitchen. Placing them in the sink, he turned to face Ray. “I trust you had a lovely time with Dan. Were you able to see that new movie you were blithering on about the last time I was home? I assume you spent every day of my absence ‘hanging out’ with Dan. Or did you manage to accomplish anything while I was away, fulfilling my duty to ensure the safety of this area?”
Ray’s mouth fell open in shock. Fraser just stood there glowering at him, knowing he was being outrageously childish but helpless to stop. When Ray’s expression changed from shock to anger, Fraser felt somewhat nauseated, but he continued to glare.
They stood there staring angrily at each other for several moments, until Ray’s livid blue eyes abruptly changed to soft and amused.
"Oh my God. You’re jealous!” he crowed. He sauntered into the kitchen, shaking his head and smiling knowingly at Fraser.
Fraser found this highly irritating. “Certainly not, Ray.”
“Geez.” Ray rolled his eyes and made a disgusted face. “You're gonna make me get all mushy aren't you?"
“Certainly not, Ray,” Fraser repeated snidely.
“You say ‘Certainly not, Ray’ one more time, I’m gonna kick you in the head!”
“Understood, Ray,” he snapped.
"Fine!” Ray shouted back at him. “You’re being a real asshole, Fraser, but I’ll tell you this anyway. And you better be listening good, coz I ain't saying this again anytime soon. I love you. I fell in love with you the day I met you. I don't want anyone else. Not Dan or Al or that cute blonde chick that I’ve seen you ogling or anyone else you been imagining me having affairs with. Not even Stella. I love you. I want you. Understood?” he finished sarcastically.
Fraser deflated visibly and looked away. “You never complain,” he said softly.
“Huh?”
“About my being absent so often. You never complain.”
“You want me to complain? It drives you nuts when I complain about everything,” Ray said, his face scrunched up in confusion.
“That’s just it, Ray. You complain about everything. But not about this. Never about this.” Fraser’s voice was small, every word a painful admission.
“Aww, geez, Frase. You been thinking I don’t mind you being gone all the time?”
“You never complain…” Fraser repeated, barely above a whisper. He continued to look away, unable to face Ray and the expression of disgust or pity Fraser fully expected to see.
“Fraser. Ben. Look at me.” Ray raised his hand to Fraser’s face and turned it toward him. He smiled sweetly at Fraser and kissed him lightly on the lips.
“Course I wish you were here more. But I can’t complain. I mean I can complain. God knows I can complain with the best of ‘em. But I can’t complain about this. I know you love it out there-despite it being not as ‘exhilarating’ as Chicago.” He laughed briefly and then his smile faded as he asked, “How can I complain about something that makes you so happy?”
Fraser was too choked up to reply. Ray wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, resting his head on Fraser’s shoulder.
“Besides which, when I think about it, I got nothing to complain about. Most people don’t get to live happily ever after. After Stella dumped me, I thought that was it. I lost my chance. But then I meet you and fall for you and you actually want me and now I’m here, living the Amer-uh, Canadian Dream, and it would just be like arrogant or something to be complaining. So instead, I’m adapting. Getting my own life for when you ain’t around to be the center of it.” He raised his head, smiling and kissing Fraser gently on the cheek. Fraser blinked back the tears that threatened to escape.
Ray’s expression turned serious again as he continued, “But don’t you ever think I don’t miss you like crazy every second you’re gone, and don’t you ever think I ain’t terrified that one day you won’t come back.” He paused and took the opportunity to kiss Fraser again. “And don’t you ever think that I don’t love you and wish you were here all the time. And lastly my friend, you really better not ever be thinking of me sleeping with Dan coz that’s just ewww.”
Startled, Fraser laughed.
“That’s more like it.” Ray kissed him again. And again. Deep open-mouthed kisses that stirred Fraser’s ever-present hunger for Ray.
Before he completely lost control, Fraser pulled away and said, “I’m sorry, Ray. I know you’re not…that you wouldn’t…I never really thought that. I just wish…”
“You wish…?” Ray prompted.
Fraser looked away again. He took a deep breath and turned back to Ray. “I wish you were here when I returned from patrolling. I know it’s difficult. Impossible really, unless you stay home constantly waiting for me, and I don’t want that. Truly, I don’t. But, I can’t help wishing…it’s lonely on patrol, and I miss you so much, and it seems…I know you do, but it seems as though you don’t miss me, don’t need me,” he finished quietly.
Ray threw his arms around Fraser again. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so sorry. I been a jerk. I could at least be here on the day you're supposed to get back."
"No, Ray, it's-"
"Fraser!" Ray interrupted. "Stop being all stowy.”
"Stoic."
"Yeah. See? You even know what you're being. So stop it. You got a right to be upset about whatever upsets you."
Fraser tried to suppress a smile.
"Hey, don't be mocking me when I'm trying to be sensitive and caring boyfriend guy!" Ray exclaimed in mock-outrage.
"I wouldn't think of it, Ray."
"Hmmpff..."
Fraser’s expression grew serious. "I would appreciate it if you could be here on the day I'm scheduled to return. I know it seems silly-"
"Not,” Ray declared.
"OK, not silly perhaps. Still, there was no cause for me to imply you were…” Fraser trailed off, embarrassed.
“S’ok. Forget it. It’s kind of cute, you being all jealous.” Ray grinned and started walking backwards towards the bedroom, pulling Fraser along with him. “I promise I'll be here when you're supposed to get back and try to be here when you actually get back. Now stop being such a girl, and fuck me.”
Fraser winced.
“Aww, geez. What now?”
“Ray,” Fraser said wearily, “I’ve asked you not to use such language, especially in regards to our lovemaking.”
“Lovemaking. Fraser!” Ray sighed dramatically as though he was thoroughly apalled. “Geez, could you be anymore a girl? I bet Dan doesn’t call it ‘lovemaking,’” he teased.
Fraser got a dark look in his eyes, and he began walking forward again forcing Ray to move with him or fall down. He frowned ominously at Ray as he herded him into the bedroom.
Alarmed, Ray exclaimed, “Kidding! I was kidding. I don’t know how what Dan calls it. I mean I don’t want to know. I got zero interest in Dan’s sex li-“
Fraser shoved him onto the bed and pinned his hands above his head, grinning ferally. “Shut up, Ray.”
And he did.
~~~o~~~o~~~o~~~
A/N1: Yes, there is a RCMP Detachment in Paulatuk. It’s one of 21 RCMP detachments in the Northwest Territories and it really is only accessible by plane in the winter. And it really is a 2 member detachment. Lots of fascinating info about Paulatuk available at: http://www.ainc-inac.gc.ca/nin/pro/nwt/paulatuk_e.html.
A/N2: Wolves can run 35mph (converted to kph for the story), so it’s possible that Dief could outrun Fraser’s snowmobile…if Fraser had a real old-school one. Modern snowmobiles run about 100 MPH. So, in my mind, they don’t have, uh, fully modern equipment at this particular detachment. Maybe the budget was real tight and they had to choose between fast snowmobiles and wireless internet access and so…yeah.