PatD Fic: The Completely True Saga of the Time Jon Walker Almost Died Alone at a Truck Stop
Despite the title, not, to my knowledge, actually true at all.
Uh. So I thought I maxed out my bandom ridiculousness potential when I wrote about them turning into kittens? But then harriet_vane mentioned that there should be fic about Jon getting left behind at a truck stop, and... this happened.
Thanks muchly to emilyray and iuliamentis for finding it nearly as entertaining as I did.
1,303 words. PG for controlled substances. Gen.
It was Zack's fault, really.
The Completely True Saga of the Time Jon Walker Almost Died Alone at a Truck Stop
It was Zack's fault, really. Zack was the one who was obsessed with checking their eyeballs before he would let them off the bus anywhere that wasn't the venue (because sniff tests didn't work after three days without clean laundry or real showers and anything else took too long). If Zack hadn't been the eyeball Gestapo, then they never would have been sitting on the bus complaining about Zack being the eyeball Gestapo, and then Ryan never would have gone on the internet and ordered the eye drops that make your pupils contract, and they would never have all decided to try them at some truck stop in Iowa, and then Zack would never have let them off the bus when they were high, and Jon would never have gotten lost.
So it was Zack's fault, really.
They had split up--there was a Starbucks and a newsstand and a gift shop and bathrooms and vending machines and one of those claw games, there was a lot to do and see--and piled back onto the bus one by one. When Zack stuck his head in and called out "Bus good to go?" of course Brendon yelled back "Good to go!" without actually checking if they were good to go.
Brendon would repeat anything when he was baked, and Zack really should have known that by now.
Then Ryan came up to the front and said, "Hey, where's Jon? I picked out all the grape Jolly Ranchers for him."
Brendon looked around and said, "Maybe Spencer has him?"
Spencer was in his bunk, but Jon was not in Spencer's bunk or Jon's bunk. Spencer insisted on helping them look--they couldn't split up anymore, that was what stupid people did in horror movies. Spencer held one of Brendon's hands and one of Ryan's (Spencer was the best at remembering to hold on) and Brendon and Ryan searched one-handed, batting aside curtains and digging through laundry.
Ryan glared at Brendon when he checked under the cushions of the couch in the back lounge, but Brendon said, "You don't know, Ryan Ross! He's surprisingly compact!"
It was starting to seem like Jon was not on the bus, but that really could not be true--they could not have left without Jon Walker!--so they checked again, and again.
"You guys," Ryan said, "we're going to have to tell Zack if he's not here."
But they checked every last place just one more time, because if he turned out to be right in front of them (like the time with Spencer's left shoe, and the time with the hair dryer, and the time Brendon thought he went blind) then Zack was going to yell at them. Or laugh at them. Or call the other bus and have the techs all laugh at them, too.
But if Jon was missing, then all the time they didn't tell Zack, horrible things could be happening to him. He could lose all his money at the claw game and have to sell his body for quarters, or he could drink too much coffee and have to pee all night and not sleep, or he could get kidnapped by an evil clown or a serial murderer. Crazy fans could get him--and they might do horrible things to him. They might look at his pictures before he was done with them, or touch him on that spot in the middle of his back where he didn't like to be touched when he was sweaty, or they might put too much milk in his coffee or no milk at all, or they might think it was a good idea for him to sing lead on three songs on the next album...
"No," Brendon said. "No, Spencer, I think that was you, actually."
Spencer huffed and rolled his eyes and let go of their hands, so Brendon and Ryan followed him up to the front of the bus, grabbing at his jeans pockets, and all tried to tell Zack at the same time that Jon was missing.
Zack stared at them for a couple of minutes, and then turned and told the driver to go back, and said, "You guys are fucking lucky it's only been five minutes. Now go sit down."
So they went and sat, clinging to each other, and Spencer muttered, "I just thought it was a good idea. I like Jon's voice."
"I like it too," Ryan mumbled, his chin on Spencer's shoulder. "It wasn't a bad idea, Spence."
"But Jon said no," Brendon pointed out, snuggling into Spencer's side. "And no means no until at least the fourth album."
"I think it just means no, actually," Ryan said, and then Spencer elbowed Brendon in the head as he tried to cover his face with his hands.
"Oh my God, I didn't listen when he said no! You guys, what if he ran away? What if he's faking his death to get rid of us, what am I going to tell his mom? Tom's going to kill me, I'm so sorry, I didn’t mean--"
"Hey," Zack said. "Hey, guys, make a space."
They all leaned back and uncurled, automatically making a space on their laps, and Zack lowered Jon down onto them, accompanied by heavenly rays from the overhead lights and Brendon doing an impromptu one-man angel chorus.
Spencer wrapped his arms around Jon's middle and buried his face against Jon's t-shirt, which sort of spoiled the many apologies he was making, and Jon curled into Brendon, face against Brendon's throat, and giggled. "That tickles, Spence, am I last? Sorry, guys, I fell down and scraped my knee, look, it's all scrapey."
"I think sheep get that," Ryan said, but he had his hands on Jon's knee on either side of the new rip in his jeans--his hands were warm, which was nice, because Jon's knee had gotten kind of wet and cold when he fell. "Eww, there's all little pieces of skin."
"And blood, look at the blood, it's all shiny," Jon pointed out. "There are beads and everything."
Zack knelt down next to them and opened up the first aid kit, and then it was all, "Urie, if you touch those scissors again I will break your fingers," and "Ross, if you lick Jon's knee I will iodine your tongue," and then "Here comes the peroxide, Jon, hold still."
Spencer held Jon's hands, and Brendon petted his hair, and Ryan held his knee steady, and they were all mesmerized by the way the hydrogen peroxide foamed up pink with blood. It was kind of disappointing when Zack finally taped a piece of gauze down over it.
They all held on to Jon, even though Spencer was kind of losing feeling in his feet and Brendon couldn't breathe quite right, because he was home. Jon didn't mind at all, even when Spencer said, "We won't make you sing lead on anything until maybe the fifth album, okay?"
Jon just snickered against Brendon's shoulder, and then Ryan said, "Hey! I have grape Jolly Ranchers for you," and wiggled all over the place trying to get them out of his pocket.
Brendon whispered, "Weren't you scared? All by yourself?"
Jon jammed three Jolly Ranchers into his mouth and gave them a grape-scented smile as they team-snuggled him. "I knew you guys would come find me. And my knee looked really cool."
They all agreed that it had looked pretty cool, actually, and of course they would always come find him.
From the bathroom, Zack yelled, "Eye drops from the internet? That is it, you're all doing sobriety tests before you get off the damn bus at truck stops!"
So the thing that winter, when Brendon hugged that cop a little bit inappropriately, that was really actually Zack's fault, too.
Uh. So I thought I maxed out my bandom ridiculousness potential when I wrote about them turning into kittens? But then harriet_vane mentioned that there should be fic about Jon getting left behind at a truck stop, and... this happened.
Thanks muchly to emilyray and iuliamentis for finding it nearly as entertaining as I did.
1,303 words. PG for controlled substances. Gen.
It was Zack's fault, really.
The Completely True Saga of the Time Jon Walker Almost Died Alone at a Truck Stop
It was Zack's fault, really. Zack was the one who was obsessed with checking their eyeballs before he would let them off the bus anywhere that wasn't the venue (because sniff tests didn't work after three days without clean laundry or real showers and anything else took too long). If Zack hadn't been the eyeball Gestapo, then they never would have been sitting on the bus complaining about Zack being the eyeball Gestapo, and then Ryan never would have gone on the internet and ordered the eye drops that make your pupils contract, and they would never have all decided to try them at some truck stop in Iowa, and then Zack would never have let them off the bus when they were high, and Jon would never have gotten lost.
So it was Zack's fault, really.
They had split up--there was a Starbucks and a newsstand and a gift shop and bathrooms and vending machines and one of those claw games, there was a lot to do and see--and piled back onto the bus one by one. When Zack stuck his head in and called out "Bus good to go?" of course Brendon yelled back "Good to go!" without actually checking if they were good to go.
Brendon would repeat anything when he was baked, and Zack really should have known that by now.
Then Ryan came up to the front and said, "Hey, where's Jon? I picked out all the grape Jolly Ranchers for him."
Brendon looked around and said, "Maybe Spencer has him?"
Spencer was in his bunk, but Jon was not in Spencer's bunk or Jon's bunk. Spencer insisted on helping them look--they couldn't split up anymore, that was what stupid people did in horror movies. Spencer held one of Brendon's hands and one of Ryan's (Spencer was the best at remembering to hold on) and Brendon and Ryan searched one-handed, batting aside curtains and digging through laundry.
Ryan glared at Brendon when he checked under the cushions of the couch in the back lounge, but Brendon said, "You don't know, Ryan Ross! He's surprisingly compact!"
It was starting to seem like Jon was not on the bus, but that really could not be true--they could not have left without Jon Walker!--so they checked again, and again.
"You guys," Ryan said, "we're going to have to tell Zack if he's not here."
But they checked every last place just one more time, because if he turned out to be right in front of them (like the time with Spencer's left shoe, and the time with the hair dryer, and the time Brendon thought he went blind) then Zack was going to yell at them. Or laugh at them. Or call the other bus and have the techs all laugh at them, too.
But if Jon was missing, then all the time they didn't tell Zack, horrible things could be happening to him. He could lose all his money at the claw game and have to sell his body for quarters, or he could drink too much coffee and have to pee all night and not sleep, or he could get kidnapped by an evil clown or a serial murderer. Crazy fans could get him--and they might do horrible things to him. They might look at his pictures before he was done with them, or touch him on that spot in the middle of his back where he didn't like to be touched when he was sweaty, or they might put too much milk in his coffee or no milk at all, or they might think it was a good idea for him to sing lead on three songs on the next album...
"No," Brendon said. "No, Spencer, I think that was you, actually."
Spencer huffed and rolled his eyes and let go of their hands, so Brendon and Ryan followed him up to the front of the bus, grabbing at his jeans pockets, and all tried to tell Zack at the same time that Jon was missing.
Zack stared at them for a couple of minutes, and then turned and told the driver to go back, and said, "You guys are fucking lucky it's only been five minutes. Now go sit down."
So they went and sat, clinging to each other, and Spencer muttered, "I just thought it was a good idea. I like Jon's voice."
"I like it too," Ryan mumbled, his chin on Spencer's shoulder. "It wasn't a bad idea, Spence."
"But Jon said no," Brendon pointed out, snuggling into Spencer's side. "And no means no until at least the fourth album."
"I think it just means no, actually," Ryan said, and then Spencer elbowed Brendon in the head as he tried to cover his face with his hands.
"Oh my God, I didn't listen when he said no! You guys, what if he ran away? What if he's faking his death to get rid of us, what am I going to tell his mom? Tom's going to kill me, I'm so sorry, I didn’t mean--"
"Hey," Zack said. "Hey, guys, make a space."
They all leaned back and uncurled, automatically making a space on their laps, and Zack lowered Jon down onto them, accompanied by heavenly rays from the overhead lights and Brendon doing an impromptu one-man angel chorus.
Spencer wrapped his arms around Jon's middle and buried his face against Jon's t-shirt, which sort of spoiled the many apologies he was making, and Jon curled into Brendon, face against Brendon's throat, and giggled. "That tickles, Spence, am I last? Sorry, guys, I fell down and scraped my knee, look, it's all scrapey."
"I think sheep get that," Ryan said, but he had his hands on Jon's knee on either side of the new rip in his jeans--his hands were warm, which was nice, because Jon's knee had gotten kind of wet and cold when he fell. "Eww, there's all little pieces of skin."
"And blood, look at the blood, it's all shiny," Jon pointed out. "There are beads and everything."
Zack knelt down next to them and opened up the first aid kit, and then it was all, "Urie, if you touch those scissors again I will break your fingers," and "Ross, if you lick Jon's knee I will iodine your tongue," and then "Here comes the peroxide, Jon, hold still."
Spencer held Jon's hands, and Brendon petted his hair, and Ryan held his knee steady, and they were all mesmerized by the way the hydrogen peroxide foamed up pink with blood. It was kind of disappointing when Zack finally taped a piece of gauze down over it.
They all held on to Jon, even though Spencer was kind of losing feeling in his feet and Brendon couldn't breathe quite right, because he was home. Jon didn't mind at all, even when Spencer said, "We won't make you sing lead on anything until maybe the fifth album, okay?"
Jon just snickered against Brendon's shoulder, and then Ryan said, "Hey! I have grape Jolly Ranchers for you," and wiggled all over the place trying to get them out of his pocket.
Brendon whispered, "Weren't you scared? All by yourself?"
Jon jammed three Jolly Ranchers into his mouth and gave them a grape-scented smile as they team-snuggled him. "I knew you guys would come find me. And my knee looked really cool."
They all agreed that it had looked pretty cool, actually, and of course they would always come find him.
From the bathroom, Zack yelled, "Eye drops from the internet? That is it, you're all doing sobriety tests before you get off the damn bus at truck stops!"
So the thing that winter, when Brendon hugged that cop a little bit inappropriately, that was really actually Zack's fault, too.