The Week In Sex
For the week starting April 7th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Talking will be a waste of time this week and will lead to disagreements you can do without. In fact, don't talk at all this week...to anyone. Conduct a scientific experiment in body language. Be the mime you've always wanted to be. The few who will understand where you're coming from are your true soulmates. The rest--the ones who will be throwing stuff at you--are just dead weight, spoken-word supremacists who aren't worthy of your deep and meaningful hand gestures.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Things to avoid this week: turkey burgers, phallic-shaped fruit, sex with delivery people and family members, tartar-control toothpaste and crack. Things to pursue: butt crack, butt crack, butt crack! Need we say more?
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Woah, Nellie, back down a little. Your aggressive nature will not be warmly received this week. Focus on passivity, compliance, obsequiousness and general ass-kissing--you know, be the doormat. Your partner's shoe's will be pleasantly surprised.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If there is someone from your past that you'd like to reunite with, now's the time. Especially if they've just settled down with someone who's head over heels in love with them. That'd really fuck them up.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You're likely to fall for someone who is not the best for you. Are you sure they're rich and beautiful enough? Do they have a shot at making partner? Do they have a summer rental in the Hamptons yet? Are they going to make you sign some bullshit pre-nup that will keep you from the alimony that you'll someday deserve? Find out more about your love interest before you get intimate.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don't be too quick to make excuses for your lover. Just because their cat got run over on Wednesday does not give them the right to call you on Thursday for a Saturday night date. This is the perfect opportunity to play hard to get.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don't do anything this week, and love and romance will be yours. However, if you do do something, even one single thing, you run the risk of a lifetime of loneliness and depression. Have a good week!
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The next time you're in the presence of that special someone, stamp your left foot three times, cluck like a chicken and then turn around and give them a good moon. There's no way they'll be able to resist your charming and mysterious ways.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will capture the interest of intellectual partners if you use your knowledge in order to dazzle potential mates. Communication will lead to passion. A Scrabble victory will lead to sex. Crossword = cunnilingus. Boggle = blowjob. And if you get the Final Jeopardy question right, well, let's just say we can't say because it's too damn dirty.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You've been craving excitement in your life lately and, absent any distracting activities, you've been finding said excitement in emotional games. Might we suggest an alternative activity like bowling or skydiving or writing the newsletter for your local retirement home or using your last ten dollars to experiment on the stock market? It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it gives you that special little thrill. Your friends' and lovers' emotional well-being will be all the better for it.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Obstacles are sexy. Anything that stands in the way of romance automatically increases the concentration of that romance by a percentage that's proportional to the size of that obstacle. Often times the obstacle is life-sized--in other words, that obstacle is usually a human being: someone's significant other. Think about that before you go knocking any down this week
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You know why they call it high-impact aerobics, right? Because three days later you're still feeling the burn. And that's the kind of impact you'll have on everyone you meet this week--except they'll be feeling the good kind of burn. Choose wisely: chances are, everyone is going to want one of your post-workout rub-downs.