The Week In Sex
For the week starting April 28th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're usually fluent in all those international languages, like love and body language. But this week you might have to string a sentence or two together and actually communicate your thoughts and feelings through your mouth (sans the saliva swapping). Say the right thing and you'll get exactly what you want. Say the wrong thing and you could end up old and alone with six cats and hairy palms in some shack in New Jersey collecting stamps or something. No pressure.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You've taken the road less traveled in a state-of-the-art, experimental, solar-powered car that's not even on the market yet to a place that's off the map. Resist the temptation to write off the locals you meet along the way as freaks. Opening yourself up to new people and places will make all the difference.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Temptation is a ten-letter word. Seduction is a nine-letter word. And we bet you've got more big words where those came from, don't you? Focus on your linguistic prowess this week and you could win the big prize. And no, we're not talking about a gift certificate to Friendly's for winning the spelling bee.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You're cute and all, but the offers haven't exactly been pouring in lately, have they? Well, don't take all this rejection sitting down--get off your arse and shake it for a change! Your luck might just change. At the very least, your bum will benefit.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We've heard it all before: "If only I had more money, I could do all the things I really wanted to do. If only I had a better body, I could wear all the clothes I really wanted to wear. If only I could sing and screw like Sting, I could have anyone I ever really wanted." Silence! Work with what you've got and make the most of it. Otherwise you'll end up like that Miniver Cheevy dude from the Edwin Arlington Robinson poem and, come on, everyone knows how bad that would be.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Honey, it's like Martha Stewart herself lovingly painted you in skin-friendly rubber cement and then gently dipped you in a tub of multicolored sequins--that's how dazzling you'll be this week. And when you radiate a sparkle like that, the masses just can't help but look and be hypnotized. So get out there and glow--just try not to blind anyone in the process.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
As Frankie would say, relax, don't do it. (And we know you know who "it" is.)
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We grew up on Depeche Mode, learned a lot of lessons about life and love and sex with nubile 15-year-olds from their sappy, syrupy lyrics. One in particular seems appropriate for you this week: "Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted, she will hear me out, and won't easily be converted, to my way of thinking, in fact she'll often disagree, but at the end of it all, she will understand me... " Don't laugh--D.M. is a great band. And don't be afraid of conflict, criticism or brutal honesty from a potential partner: it's often the ones that give us the most shit who care the most and are the best in bed.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Proceed with caution this week. It's like you're a walking psychic magnet for argumentative jackasses with a penchant for manipulation and word-twisting. And, of course, you'll be probably totally attracted to them. Be sure to load on the anti-loser spray before you go out on the town.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If it's the thought that counts, then stand up and be counted! You've got thoughtfulness by the truckload. Use it before it all goes to waste! You'll be surprised: thoughtfulness is the high-octane fuel of good relationships.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Everyone has good intentions. No one wakes up and says, "Today, I'm going to see how much I can take without giving anything in return. I'm going to be completely insensitive and only think of myself. I am going to break someone's heart!" Well, no one but the truly evil. But simply waking up and not saying those things doesn't automatically qualify you for sainthood. Every now and then you've got to wake up and say, "Today I'm going to give all of myself without regard to what I may get in return. I'm going to be empathetic and think only of others. I'm going to spread love and sunshine!" This week, make it your morning mantra.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your clich� mandates of the week: play it safe. Don't put all your eggs in one basket (or, as Dorothy Parker liked to say, all in one bastard). Open your eyes and shut your mouth. Don't just hear; listen.