The Week In Sex
For the week starting May 12th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're one of those people who tries to assemble the eighty-seven-piece toy before reading the instructions, aren't you? You work out without stretching, eat half the cookie dough before baking, pop the microwave before it dings. And you cannonball into the deep end before waiting the full fifteen minutes for your Creamsicle to digest. Fool, don't rush in--especially when it comes to romantic engagements this week. Best to pop a patience pill and chill.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There's a reason why rock stars, bartenders and editors at sex magazines get laid so much: they're constantly in the limelight. And the limelight is better for your sex life than even the softest candlelight. It doesn't matter if the limelight is a stage, a bar, a masthead or a soapbox in your neighborhood park--we suggest you find some and bathe in it.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You're on your own this week. Your guess is as good as ours. You are the master of your own destiny. So just be good to your fellow human beings and maybe someone will be really good--and we mean good--back.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man or woman in possession of a healthy sex drive must be in want of a partner. Well, duh. But sometimes we forget the simplest truths in pursuit of a complicated excuse for why we're not getting any. Stop with all the blather, okay? It is the actions you take that will win someone's affections this week. You know what you have to do.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
A friend recently proposed we try a social experiment: don't call or email anyone for a month--you can pick up the phone and answer emails, but no initiating allowed. Our friend said we'd feel like we were going mad the first few days, but eventually we'd feel relaxed and at peace. Being the organizer, the party planner and/or the pursuer can be stressful, exhausting even. Let everyone come to you this week and perhaps you too will feel relaxed and laid back (i.e. someone lays you back on the bed).
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don't look now, but--hey, we said don't look! Geez, sometimes you're about as subtle as a fart during prayer-time. Anyway, as we were saying, just over there in the corner, someone has their eye on you. We think they might be about to make their move. Avoid staring them down or otherwise scaring them off (e.g. sudden jerky motions, dramatic lifestyle changes, a new haircut) and you should find yourself being seduced very soon.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is not the week to be playing eeney meeney miney moe with people's hearts. Play with yourself instead. Ba dum ching!
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Who cares? Not you, that's who! Okay, you probably care a little bit, because you're sensitive like that. But being honest and up front and completely giving is not going to get you anywhere with someone who's playing hard to get. With them--we're sorry to say--you're going to have to play games. (And boy, they better be worth it for us to offer such crap advice.)
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Mingle, dahlings: it makes you look popular, and everyone wants to sleep with the popular kid.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
A little birdie told us that you'll either tell a lame joke, have food in your teeth or break serious wind while talking to someone who gets your heart fluttering this week. Play it safe and just hang with your homies for the time being. Hey, they'll probably even let you play "Pull My Finger."
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Next time you're feeling pressure in a relationship, uncomfortable in bed, worried that things are moving too fast, or wondering if you really want to go home with a certain someone, remember this: Loving yourself means never having to say you're sorry. And never having to ask, "Did you come?"
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Imagine that you went to a spa for an hour-long, full-body massage. And then imagine that you spent the entire hour asking the masseuse questions about the history of massage and why they were touching you there and how much does a masseuse make these days anyway? Sure, you'd learn a lot about the massage industry, but weren't you there to relax? This week, lie back, shut up and enjoy the hot, oily rub-down that is your life. Well, that's for you porn stars, anyway. The rest of you, just stop over-thinking everything.