The Week In Sex
I've been so nose deep in textbooks that I forgot all about this until I was walking to my polling place this morning. Remember Californians, vote NO on 98! :-)
For the week starting June 2nd
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You'll have more romantic choices than a Denny's menu this week. But take your time and don't let the waitress rush you into making a decision. Sure, those waffles on page two look delicious, but if you keep reading you'll get to the Eggs Over My Hammy on page nine, which, we're sure you'll agree, is a much better meal deal. It comes with free coffee! Wait, we haven't quite squeezed the life out of this metaphor yet. When your meal arrives, don't shovel it in. This is haute cuisine! Chew. Savor. Look up occasionally. See that cutie sitting across the table from you? That's your date! What, you thought the meal was your date? Silly.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Decisions, decisions. Just roll the dice. Fate is going to do with you what she will anyway.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
"I hope we can still be friends." Not usually the words you want to hear, or even the words you want to have to say. But for you this week, they're apropos. Learn them, live them, love them...or rather, be friends with them.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We know it's tempting, but don't leap into bed with someone too quickly. Even if they really really want you to. Even if you really really want to. Even if Robert Redford offers you a million dollars for one night of passion on his yacht. You don't want to rush anything this week. The sex will be so much better if you get to know them a little more first. We admit that's not always the case, but this one's a keeper. You won't regret it.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week you'll probably feel like you just sucked down 12 juicy oysters with a two-liter bottle of Spanish Fly. After reading Lady Chatterley's Lover and renting Henry and June. Right before getting your two-hour full-body massage complete with essential oils and incense. Best take a cold shower, hot stuff. Leave the sexual aggression to your partner(s) this week. It's tough love for the ants in your pants, but they'll thank you for it later.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You've got an itch that needs scratching, and you know we're not talking about a mosquito bite. Go ahead, scratch it! We won't tell. You can turn over a new leaf next week. It's so clich� to do that this week.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but Houston, you're going to have a problem this week. Even if your name isn't Houston, things are not likely to go your way in the romance department. Take a deep breath and hold it--you'll touch down on solid ground soon.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Things are going well. You really like each other. You make a cute couple. You even have pet names for one another (Puddin' and Bubblebutt). But let's not jump the gun, even if your partner is holding it next to your head. Don't make any sudden moves, e.g. moving in together, getting married, having kids, sharing your Ben and Jerry's. We're all for riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after, but we're not sure your horse has come in yet.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Take your pick. No really, take your pick. They all want you. If life is like a box of chocolates, you're Willy Wonka. Except without the funny hair and the Oompa Loompas. Just don't be too greedy. Remember what happened to poor Veruca Salt?
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If your sex life was a game of golf (and you have to admit, golf is nearly as exciting as sex) then your partner would need a serious handicap this week. They just can't keep up! They're still lining up their stroke on the first tee and you're ready for another 18 holes. We're not suggesting you slow down (why should you?) but rather do what's necessary to help them keep up and in the mood: massage, chocolate, cheeseburger, whatever.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Let's call that special someone in your life "X" (just so we don't have to keep using the term "special someone"). Make X breakfast in bed--maybe a spicy tofu scramble with green peppers, onions, corn and fresh salsa, Kona coffee and a buttered muffin. Or how about secretly talking all of X's shoes to get shined while they're at work. Maybe even send X a strip-o-gram just to let them know you care. Do something. X deserves it.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It's not what you think. Quit jumping to conclusions. Paranoia is not just a heightened state of awareness. Make like Sherlock Holmes this week and get all your facts straight. Then, and only then, will you be able to make any reasonable deductions regarding your romantic life.
For the week starting June 2nd
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You'll have more romantic choices than a Denny's menu this week. But take your time and don't let the waitress rush you into making a decision. Sure, those waffles on page two look delicious, but if you keep reading you'll get to the Eggs Over My Hammy on page nine, which, we're sure you'll agree, is a much better meal deal. It comes with free coffee! Wait, we haven't quite squeezed the life out of this metaphor yet. When your meal arrives, don't shovel it in. This is haute cuisine! Chew. Savor. Look up occasionally. See that cutie sitting across the table from you? That's your date! What, you thought the meal was your date? Silly.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Decisions, decisions. Just roll the dice. Fate is going to do with you what she will anyway.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
"I hope we can still be friends." Not usually the words you want to hear, or even the words you want to have to say. But for you this week, they're apropos. Learn them, live them, love them...or rather, be friends with them.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We know it's tempting, but don't leap into bed with someone too quickly. Even if they really really want you to. Even if you really really want to. Even if Robert Redford offers you a million dollars for one night of passion on his yacht. You don't want to rush anything this week. The sex will be so much better if you get to know them a little more first. We admit that's not always the case, but this one's a keeper. You won't regret it.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week you'll probably feel like you just sucked down 12 juicy oysters with a two-liter bottle of Spanish Fly. After reading Lady Chatterley's Lover and renting Henry and June. Right before getting your two-hour full-body massage complete with essential oils and incense. Best take a cold shower, hot stuff. Leave the sexual aggression to your partner(s) this week. It's tough love for the ants in your pants, but they'll thank you for it later.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You've got an itch that needs scratching, and you know we're not talking about a mosquito bite. Go ahead, scratch it! We won't tell. You can turn over a new leaf next week. It's so clich� to do that this week.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but Houston, you're going to have a problem this week. Even if your name isn't Houston, things are not likely to go your way in the romance department. Take a deep breath and hold it--you'll touch down on solid ground soon.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Things are going well. You really like each other. You make a cute couple. You even have pet names for one another (Puddin' and Bubblebutt). But let's not jump the gun, even if your partner is holding it next to your head. Don't make any sudden moves, e.g. moving in together, getting married, having kids, sharing your Ben and Jerry's. We're all for riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after, but we're not sure your horse has come in yet.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Take your pick. No really, take your pick. They all want you. If life is like a box of chocolates, you're Willy Wonka. Except without the funny hair and the Oompa Loompas. Just don't be too greedy. Remember what happened to poor Veruca Salt?
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If your sex life was a game of golf (and you have to admit, golf is nearly as exciting as sex) then your partner would need a serious handicap this week. They just can't keep up! They're still lining up their stroke on the first tee and you're ready for another 18 holes. We're not suggesting you slow down (why should you?) but rather do what's necessary to help them keep up and in the mood: massage, chocolate, cheeseburger, whatever.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Let's call that special someone in your life "X" (just so we don't have to keep using the term "special someone"). Make X breakfast in bed--maybe a spicy tofu scramble with green peppers, onions, corn and fresh salsa, Kona coffee and a buttered muffin. Or how about secretly talking all of X's shoes to get shined while they're at work. Maybe even send X a strip-o-gram just to let them know you care. Do something. X deserves it.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It's not what you think. Quit jumping to conclusions. Paranoia is not just a heightened state of awareness. Make like Sherlock Holmes this week and get all your facts straight. Then, and only then, will you be able to make any reasonable deductions regarding your romantic life.