The Week In Sex
Happy Bday to spice_of_life!!!
For the week starting July 14th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's a great weekend at the beach with friends, new and old. As night falls, your sun-kissed skin burns, the air cools and the wind picks up a bit. After cooking veggie burgers and dogs on the back patio grill and putting back a few gin & tonics with lime, a bunch of you stray back to the beach in the dark. All it takes is one exhibitionistic friend, and suddenly the gang is stripping--white asses disappearing into the black water. You hesitate, then throw caution to the wind and drop trou. The fleeting embarrassment is worth this feeling of refreshing liquid in new places. Later, you end up making out under the stars with someone you'd least expect. This has been a metaphor for your week--jump in.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you're going to stick your ice cream cone in strangers' mouths, it might come back with sprinkles on it...if you know what we mean. So make sure you put a hard chocolate coating on your cone to help reduce the risk of STDs.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take that special someone to the boardwalk this week. Take a day off work if you have to. Ride the ferris wheel, slip down the water slide, eat chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick. There's nothing like getting sand in your pants to bring two people closer together.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
There's a thick gray fog hanging heavy over the dark sea of your sex life. Ask a good friend at the lighthouse to shed some light your way. The only way to navigate yourself safely to brighter skies, clearer waters and sex-filled beaches is with a little help and guidance from a lighthouse keeper.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
"Standin' on your Mama's porch / You told me that you'd wait forever / Oh and when you held my hand / I knew that it was now or never / Those were the best days of my life / Back in the summer of '69." Someone from your past is likely to reappear this week. Don't forget how you felt back in '89 (or was it '99?)--about the good, the bad and the ugly mullet.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When life hands you lemons, don't squeeze them--touch them softly and sensually. Then get some refreshing lemonade together afterwards.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We know that telling you not to be jealous is like telling you to stop the sea coming in--but remember that a jealous outburst is about as effective as building a sandcastle to turn the tide. You can drag a horse to the ocean but you can't make it wear suntan lotion. Or something like that.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You look so cute when you're all bossy. And a little birdie told us how, uh, horny they get when you're in charge. So climb up into your lifeguard chair, smear some zinc oxide across your nose and start blowing that whistle. Even the strongest swimmers can use a few barked instructions and an inflatable device every now and then.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Usually when someone says you're "insightful with all sorts of interesting opinions," they mean you're a bit of a dullard, long-winded and not all that attractive. And who wants challenging conversation at the beach anyway? Well, screw the lot of them and their trashy Danielle Steele beach-reading; this week, your razor-sharp insights and witty repartee will be reeling them in. And you'll be a total hottie to boot.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
With the constant ebb and flow of the tide, the shoreline is ever-changing. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Deal with it.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Like a glowing golden tan, love doesn't happen in a day. And trying to force it will only result in a painful, blistered, lobster-red look that suits nobody. Slow down and build a solid base first if you want something to happen. And if that doesn't work, hang out in the shade and laugh at all the fuckers courting melanoma.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don't go swimming too soon after you've had a feast of the eyes.
For the week starting July 14th
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's a great weekend at the beach with friends, new and old. As night falls, your sun-kissed skin burns, the air cools and the wind picks up a bit. After cooking veggie burgers and dogs on the back patio grill and putting back a few gin & tonics with lime, a bunch of you stray back to the beach in the dark. All it takes is one exhibitionistic friend, and suddenly the gang is stripping--white asses disappearing into the black water. You hesitate, then throw caution to the wind and drop trou. The fleeting embarrassment is worth this feeling of refreshing liquid in new places. Later, you end up making out under the stars with someone you'd least expect. This has been a metaphor for your week--jump in.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you're going to stick your ice cream cone in strangers' mouths, it might come back with sprinkles on it...if you know what we mean. So make sure you put a hard chocolate coating on your cone to help reduce the risk of STDs.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take that special someone to the boardwalk this week. Take a day off work if you have to. Ride the ferris wheel, slip down the water slide, eat chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick. There's nothing like getting sand in your pants to bring two people closer together.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
There's a thick gray fog hanging heavy over the dark sea of your sex life. Ask a good friend at the lighthouse to shed some light your way. The only way to navigate yourself safely to brighter skies, clearer waters and sex-filled beaches is with a little help and guidance from a lighthouse keeper.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
"Standin' on your Mama's porch / You told me that you'd wait forever / Oh and when you held my hand / I knew that it was now or never / Those were the best days of my life / Back in the summer of '69." Someone from your past is likely to reappear this week. Don't forget how you felt back in '89 (or was it '99?)--about the good, the bad and the ugly mullet.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When life hands you lemons, don't squeeze them--touch them softly and sensually. Then get some refreshing lemonade together afterwards.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We know that telling you not to be jealous is like telling you to stop the sea coming in--but remember that a jealous outburst is about as effective as building a sandcastle to turn the tide. You can drag a horse to the ocean but you can't make it wear suntan lotion. Or something like that.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You look so cute when you're all bossy. And a little birdie told us how, uh, horny they get when you're in charge. So climb up into your lifeguard chair, smear some zinc oxide across your nose and start blowing that whistle. Even the strongest swimmers can use a few barked instructions and an inflatable device every now and then.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Usually when someone says you're "insightful with all sorts of interesting opinions," they mean you're a bit of a dullard, long-winded and not all that attractive. And who wants challenging conversation at the beach anyway? Well, screw the lot of them and their trashy Danielle Steele beach-reading; this week, your razor-sharp insights and witty repartee will be reeling them in. And you'll be a total hottie to boot.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
With the constant ebb and flow of the tide, the shoreline is ever-changing. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Deal with it.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Like a glowing golden tan, love doesn't happen in a day. And trying to force it will only result in a painful, blistered, lobster-red look that suits nobody. Slow down and build a solid base first if you want something to happen. And if that doesn't work, hang out in the shade and laugh at all the fuckers courting melanoma.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don't go swimming too soon after you've had a feast of the eyes.