(no subject)
I'm growing tired and sick of my own life. Seriously, my life isn't going nowhere, the fucking master degree searching isn't putting it any easier, neither help me to know where my life is going, because I really should know to where the fuck I should lead my life to begin with... but so far I have no idea. I have been struggling with the options and all of them make me feel incapable, useless and retarded and utterly dissapointed with myself, eh... I used to have high expectations on myself.... that have proven to be so high for me to accomplish, and it only makes it more frustrating.
My life is a complete nule world, fake and all full with pretending. I pretend to know what decision to make because I don't want my family to worry, but the truth is I don't. Being jobless doesn't help either, but hating what I do will never help, and only knowing this job and feeling that I'm just wasting time being a fuckin crybaby over things that I should stand and overcome somehow, as a grown adult, it's so depressing, because I can't.
Every single day is a battle, and at the end of the day I feel pathetic because I shouldn't complain about these things when out there people are having really hard times and this is only bullshit.
What makes me more angrier with myself is that I know I'm capable, I know I can do things, and somehow, I still want to believe that I've got skills that would make me earn something to live of, but I can't, I just can't.
And then my wonderful social life, oh yeah, I can forget about calling people, over here, friends. Yes, I'm this awkward, this horrible person who only spit things off, who's so memorable that all that people I once called friends can barely remember who I'm, or only say "she's a good girl" as if saying that I was so insipidus to even remeber but that I was that 'good girl' that barely speak, and had good notes. Just that. period. Even when, back then, I would have called these persons my closest friends.
I'm not someone who tends to speak out my feelings commonly, I tend to keep them for me and only share them with those I feel close to, or confortable with (internet has the benefit that everybody can be strangers and you would truly never know what the others are thinking, so I have come to care less about just exploding), so I tend to stay quiet and be supportive with those to whom I appreciate, but whenever I have need them they just avoid me or brush me away, and eventually... (as if they find me terrible to stand) leaving me behind. I decided that I wouldn't care anymore, but it doesn't make any difference anyway....
I really give up being friendly or any social attempt, people at the end will just find it a burden. Maybe I'm just a dick or a creep, I don't know, nobody has told me honestly if I'm, nobody has ever told me fucking nothing, I'm just this grey being that it's easier to forget than talk to, or even notice. I'm done with that. It's tiresome. People only assumes that I'm there, but won't look if I'm really there, and they couldn't care less. Maybe I'm truly someone who people really can't stand, maybe I'm really that bothersome, but don't let me play the fool, I prefer honesty. Honesty doesn't hurt as much as indifference does.