(no subject)
I feel like shit, emotionally tired and like eveything is going spiralling into a black hole
and I'm just being dramatic I fully know that
but it's the way I feel
I'm sad, and constantly anxious
I don't know how to fix things and I know that I'm not in control to fix them so I can only wait for things to settle and see how they turn
however I can't help but feel anxious and sad
I wish I could just go away, and shut down everything and everybody
to not have to talk or open my mouth again
I've started to get angry and that only shows how shitty I'm reacting, because I shouldn't feel angry because something like this, despising something that makes someone else happy makes me a horrible human being, and I nobody deserves that from a 'friend', I keep over thinking stuff and that only brings that awful side of me that I hate so much. I want them to be happy, period. Otherwise I would only be someone manipulative, childish and awful, not to mention incredibly immature. If I can't wish them the best no matter what then it's obvious that I'm the one here being a problem, and I don't know how to deal with this or manage it, I despise being this ball of bitterness, of negative feelings, being a needy person, a selfish one, a obnoxious person
Truth is I want to be loved, and appreciated, and I need attention, but the way I'm doing this is lame, I want to slap myself, and stop acting like everything hurts because that won't solve anything. Patience, time, and letting things go will do better.
I really think I'm a obnoxious person, that I became a toxic person... and I don't know how to undo the damage, how to be better, how to be something positive