Writing in Progress

[stephywang]

“I’ve bottled up a sunset,” she whispered and then serenely wrecked it, pulling up the aluminum infuser. Tea streamed through the tiny holes creating chaotic eddies disturbing the full spectrum of clear to brown to burnt sienna. A ruin of a perfectly fine twilight. Tilting the pot, she sipped at her cup of darkness and winced at the bitterness

Comments

[athena2]

You are so good, at using the right words that work beautifully together. Even your prose is poetic.

[stephywang]

Thanks, it's so hard getting back in to this. I feel like thiis still needs a lot of work and I want to do more with it. I've always said every piece I do will always be in progress. I think my writing for this site will be a lot of bits and pieces of scenes probably not in order that will eventually culminate into something.

[jadelin]

The last paragraph bashing your own writing isn't necessary, btw. ^^ And it just seems like a scene that's a cross between prose and poetry.

Really, the imagery is very sharp, and the words that you use are very efficient--that is, none of the words are wasted and only build to the lingering effect. I tried to find something to be critical of in the piece, but the only thing barely noticeable is word usage of 'diffuser' (instead of 'infuser'). Otherwise, it has a attention-grabbing beginning, end, and nice pacing.

Oh, and change that subject title.  :-p

[stephywang]

I realized the infuser/diffuser thing later as well and started banging my head about it and felt relaly embarassed. Then, I decided to google it and I found 1) a lot of people call it a diffuser too and 2) Pfaltzgraff has an item that they say has a tea diffuser with it. So.... although the proper term is an infuser, I don't feel so bad anymore.

[thedissident]

The diffuser/infuser thing could use changing. Also, there is a lot in those two paragraphs, and it seems very concentrated. On my first read-through, I know I didn't fully appreciate every line. Expanding it out into lines rather than paragraphs would accentuate the importance of each line, but I'm not sure if it would feel right. This work doesn't really fit into either the poetry or prose box.

Beyond that, there are lots of things that work great. The imagery is simply beautiful. There's no fluff in this - every word seems meaningful, if not essential. It seems short at first glance, but the work is so dense and immersive, that it would be a shame to dillute it ^_~