Example of what boredom at work can do to a person:
Umm ... so. All I really have to say about this is: Man, this is whack!
[A smallish scientific-looking boat is anchored in the sheltering harbor of a serene yet ominous tropical island. Our primary cast members crack team of scientists is in a little boat, motoring up to the beach.]
CLAIRE: Wow, what a serene yet ominous looking island.
STEVEN: Now, now, now. We can't have such dark foreshadowing so early in the script.
CLAIRE: Sorry. Wow, what a serene looking island.
STEVEN: Verily! 'Tis as serene as uninhabited islands located far enough away from reasonable help (should anything go wrong, not that anything would go wrong. of course, if nothing goes wrong then we won't have a plot, so ... nevermind) yet close enough that smallish scientific-looking boats can get by themselves can be.
NICK: Umm ... did you just say "verily"?
STEVEN: Yes.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CLAIRE: Yeah, don't.
STEVEN: Okay.
NICK: Being the nerd-without-hope-of-a-girlfriend-who-drives-plot-forward of the group, I suggest we set up camp here on the beach, where we can see the boat (even if we can't get to it in time should anything go wrong, not that anything would go wrong. of course ... nevermind) and still have access to fresh water from the spring that is conveniently located just inside the tree line.
STEVEN: But how do you know that there is a stream just inside the tree line?
NICK: Because you can see it through the foliage from where I'm standing. No, over here. Duck down, you're a lot taller than I am. Maybe squint your left eye. THERE!
STEVEN: Good man!
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
***
[A cheery campfire on the beach throws ominous shadows along the tree line. Our crack team of scientists are celebrating the end of the first scene their first night on their new scientific mission.]
STEVE: Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears ...
TOKEN ROMAN GUY: Man, that joke is so old. And he's not even Roman. That is a White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant if EVER I've seen one.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
STEVE: ... we are now safely, securely, and with our naive ignorance wrapped around us like baby-blankets entrenched on this beach. And now, Claire, in a stunning display of plot exposition, will tell you all why the hell we're here.
CLAIRE: Thank you Steve, we will continue to pretend like we don't want to have sex, even though everyone already knows by now that before we're off this island you and I will go at it like bunny rabbits on methamphetamines.
NICK: *gag*
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CLAIRE: In the morning, we will all trek out optimistically like nothing is wrong (not that anything should be wrong, except that if nothing is wrong, then we don't have a plot) carrying all manner of scientific-looking equipment that nobody in the audience will be able to distinguish and we will act like the equipment will actually work in this humidity.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *mumble mumble good idea mumble mumble*
CLAIRE: We will, in a manner that ignores any attempt at preserving the eco-system, blunder through the jungle, randomly looking at completely unrelated things, like bugs, as we trek towards our ultimate goal: the monkeys.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: Yay Monkeys!
CLAIRE: Then, after having completely disrupted the eco-system on the island as we gather completely useless data on a bunch of misplaced primates, we will come across a "lost city" in the woods.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: Yay "Lost City"!
CLAIRE: Once we have relocated camp to the "lost city" we will
OMINOUS NOISE FROM JUNGLE: *prevents Claire from giving away the end of the story in the second scene*
STEVE: What was that?
CLAIRE: I have no idea. I'm not really very smart. Just cute.
NICK: Probably some large, man-eating, ominous plot-point that will be the end of the majority of un-named characters in this story.
UN-NAMED CHARACTERS: *wibble*
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *cower*
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
STEVE: Well, we should probably get a good night's sleep, then.
***
[Dawn on the less-ominous-looking-in-daylight island finds the crack team of scientists trekking through the undergrowth just like Claire outlined in her plot exposition the night before.]
NICK: I love my gadgets. Since I don't have a woman, they're all I've got to validate my life.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CLAIRE: Oooh! Pretty Bug! (Pulls out "Idiots Guide to Entomology" and reads aloud to herself) "Pretty bugs in the wild are usually very very dangerous. Sometimes it's just if you eat them. Sometimes it's just if you touch them. Sometimes it's just if you smell them. Sometimes they will attack you. Note: Pretty bugs on serene yet ominous islands should be avoided at all costs by main characters, but may be handled at-will by unnamed characters."
CLAIRE: ...
CLAIRE: Okay then, moving along.
TOKEN SAFARI GUY: Look! Everyone! It's the Monkeys!
EVERYONE: Ooooh! Ahhhhh!
STEVE: Okay people, let's get to observing their behavior while Claire and I go off an not have the sex. Sound like a plan?
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *observes monkeys*
***
[Pretty pretty fresh-water and not-at-all-dangerous-seeming pool with waterfall and big green plants-not-really-indigenous-to-tropical-islands-but-the-audience-won't-really-know-that-so-who-cares]
CLAIRE: Steve. That was the best sex I've never had.
STEVE: Yes, well, it had to be. Because I have to have a reason to rescue you later (not that you would need rescuing, because that would mean that something was wrong, and there's no reason for anything to be wrong ... anyway) and it sure as hell won't be for your intelligence.
CLAIRE: Oh Steve! Let's frolick playfully about the pool.
CLAIRE & STEVE: *frolick*
"LOST CITY": *appears*
CLAIRE & STEVE: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
***
[Our crack team of scientists have relocated to the "lost city" in order to better place themselves in the path of impending doom study the ruins and their meaning]
TOKEN PORTER #1: Man, that sucked.
TOKEN PORTER #2: Yeah.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
NICK: Although I speak many ancient languages I have no clue what these scary and ominous-looking symbols mean.
CLAIRE: It looks like a highly-advanced civilization once lived here. The people lived in joy and prosperity, with pet parrots and smallish monkeys, and learned much about the world and got very rich. It seems, however, they got so smart and so wealthy that they failed to appease their gods in ritualistic sacrifice and the gods smote them down in retribution, leaving nothing but the burned out shell of their city to hide their immense knowledge and wealth for all eternity.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: ...
CLAIRE: What? The pictures on the wall tell the story. I may not be able to read Greek, but I can sure as hell read a picture book.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: oh yeah well that makes sense when you put it that way of course now i see what she's talking about cool
TOKEN MEXICAN GUY: Immense wealth?
***
[The crack team of scientists and more unnamed token characters than could realistically have ever fit onto the scientific-looking boat are now excavating the "lost city" in search of the immense wealth]
STEVE: I think we should have the sex on top of the gold once we find it.
CLAIRE: Shhh! We're still pretending like there is no sexual tension between us, even though we've already had the sex.
STEVE: Oh. Right.
NICK: I found it! I found it!
EVERYONE: *runs to Nick*
STEVE: That's amazing! How did you find it?
NICK: I followed the arrows with the picture of the treasure on them. And here it is.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
STEVE: Genius! I'm glad we brought you along. Even if you do talk dirty to the equipment.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS *snicker*
CLAIRE: There's so much wealth here, we will all be ... wealthy for the rest of our lives!
EVERYONE: ... Yay!
A GUY SO TOKEN HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ETHNICITY: Hey, what is this ominous looking marking?
BARRAGE OF DEADLY POISONOUS DARTS OF DEATH: *attack*
A GUY SO TOKEN HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ETHNICITY: *dead*
NICK: It's cursed!
CLAIRE: *squeal*
STEVE: I'll save you, Claire!
STEVE: *saves Claire*
NICK: *saves equipment*
RANDOM TOKEN GUYS: *die*
STEVE: That was close!
CLAIRE: Let's have the sex now.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
***
[Deceptively safe campsite at the edge of the "lost city"]
STEVE: Well, things could be worse.
CLAIRE: How?
STEVE: We haven't lost any main characters -- just some of the token guys, and there really wasn't room on the scientific-looking boat for all of them anyway.
CLAIRE: True ...
NICK: And besides, it's not like we have been attacked by the family of monkeys that we originally came here to study.
STEVE & CLAIRE: ...
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
STEVE: Shut up you fucking plot-whore.
NICK: *cowers*
STEVE: Alright people. We're a crack team of scientists. We can beat this!
TOKEN COLUMBIAN GUY: Wait! A "crack team of scientists". Oh no. I thought we were a "team of crack scientists". Man, I'm outta this shit.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
STEVE: ...
STEVE: Okay then. We'll just have to stick together. Don't go anywhere alone, especially all of you unnamed people. At this point in the movie that means nothing other than certain death.
UNNAMED PEOPLE: *huddle*
STEVE: In the morning, we will run like the little girls we are back to the scientific-looking boat and leave this place, never to return or speak of the events here, unless it's Oprah, or they offer a really good cut on royalties.
***
[Deceptively safe campsite at the edge of the "lost city": some ominous hour of the night]
TEAM OF CRACK CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *sleeping*
TOKEN SENTRY #1: Man, this sucks.
TOKEN SENTRY #2: Yup.
MONKEYS: *attack*
TOKEN SENTRY #1 & TOKEN SENTRY #2: *die*
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: mmfpthwwwwhaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
STEVE: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
CLAIRE: *gratuitous scanty pajama shot*
NICK: THE EQUIPMENT!!!
MONKEYS: EeeekEeeeekEeeeekEeeekEeeeek
RANDOM TOKEN GUYS: *die*
LARGISH MONKEY LEADER: *chews on TOKEN BLACK GUY
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is wha---
STEVE: Finally!
CLAIRE: Man, he was whack!
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *run away*
***
[Beach, at dawn]
STEVE: Well, we lost TOKEN BLACK GUY, but once again, all of the named characters and a couple of the token extras are still here.
TOKEN JEW: Oi, this is whack!
STEVE, CLAIRE, NICK: *facepalm*
CLAIRE: But the monkeys have destroyed the raft! How will we get back to the scientific-looking boat?
STEVE: Well, I have perfectly chisled abdominal muscles, so I suggest we swim!
NICK: What about the equipment?!?!
STEVE: Our lives are worth much more than the equipment. But, can you swim?
NICK: Yes, I can swim you dumb jock.
STEVE: Oh, good. I was worried. You know, I can show you some crunches and ...
NICK: Shut it.
STEVE: It's shut.
CLAIRE: Will you two stop fighting! We're all going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!
STEVE: Why? Can you not swim?
CLAIRE: No! It's the monkeys ... they've followed us!
NICK & STEVE: Wha- ??
MONKEYS: *attack*
RANDOM TOKEN GUYS: *die*
NICK, STEVE & CLAIRE: *swim*
MONKEYS: *dance on the bodies of their dead and mutilated victims*
***
[Scientific-looking boat]
CLAIRE: Thank god we made it!
STEVE: It's time to have the sex again.
NICK: my equipment ... *whimper*
TOKEN SAILOR: Ahoy, this is whack!
***
CREDITS: *roll*
[A smallish scientific-looking boat is anchored in the sheltering harbor of a serene yet ominous tropical island. Our primary cast members crack team of scientists is in a little boat, motoring up to the beach.]
CLAIRE: Wow, what a serene yet ominous looking island.
STEVEN: Now, now, now. We can't have such dark foreshadowing so early in the script.
CLAIRE: Sorry. Wow, what a serene looking island.
STEVEN: Verily! 'Tis as serene as uninhabited islands located far enough away from reasonable help (should anything go wrong, not that anything would go wrong. of course, if nothing goes wrong then we won't have a plot, so ... nevermind) yet close enough that smallish scientific-looking boats can get by themselves can be.
NICK: Umm ... did you just say "verily"?
STEVEN: Yes.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CLAIRE: Yeah, don't.
STEVEN: Okay.
NICK: Being the nerd-without-hope-of-a-girlfriend-who-drives-plot-forward of the group, I suggest we set up camp here on the beach, where we can see the boat (even if we can't get to it in time should anything go wrong, not that anything would go wrong. of course ... nevermind) and still have access to fresh water from the spring that is conveniently located just inside the tree line.
STEVEN: But how do you know that there is a stream just inside the tree line?
NICK: Because you can see it through the foliage from where I'm standing. No, over here. Duck down, you're a lot taller than I am. Maybe squint your left eye. THERE!
STEVEN: Good man!
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
***
[A cheery campfire on the beach throws ominous shadows along the tree line. Our crack team of scientists are celebrating the end of the first scene their first night on their new scientific mission.]
STEVE: Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears ...
TOKEN ROMAN GUY: Man, that joke is so old. And he's not even Roman. That is a White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant if EVER I've seen one.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
STEVE: ... we are now safely, securely, and with our naive ignorance wrapped around us like baby-blankets entrenched on this beach. And now, Claire, in a stunning display of plot exposition, will tell you all why the hell we're here.
CLAIRE: Thank you Steve, we will continue to pretend like we don't want to have sex, even though everyone already knows by now that before we're off this island you and I will go at it like bunny rabbits on methamphetamines.
NICK: *gag*
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CLAIRE: In the morning, we will all trek out optimistically like nothing is wrong (not that anything should be wrong, except that if nothing is wrong, then we don't have a plot) carrying all manner of scientific-looking equipment that nobody in the audience will be able to distinguish and we will act like the equipment will actually work in this humidity.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *mumble mumble good idea mumble mumble*
CLAIRE: We will, in a manner that ignores any attempt at preserving the eco-system, blunder through the jungle, randomly looking at completely unrelated things, like bugs, as we trek towards our ultimate goal: the monkeys.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: Yay Monkeys!
CLAIRE: Then, after having completely disrupted the eco-system on the island as we gather completely useless data on a bunch of misplaced primates, we will come across a "lost city" in the woods.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: Yay "Lost City"!
CLAIRE: Once we have relocated camp to the "lost city" we will
OMINOUS NOISE FROM JUNGLE: *prevents Claire from giving away the end of the story in the second scene*
STEVE: What was that?
CLAIRE: I have no idea. I'm not really very smart. Just cute.
NICK: Probably some large, man-eating, ominous plot-point that will be the end of the majority of un-named characters in this story.
UN-NAMED CHARACTERS: *wibble*
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *cower*
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
STEVE: Well, we should probably get a good night's sleep, then.
***
[Dawn on the less-ominous-looking-in-daylight island finds the crack team of scientists trekking through the undergrowth just like Claire outlined in her plot exposition the night before.]
NICK: I love my gadgets. Since I don't have a woman, they're all I've got to validate my life.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CLAIRE: Oooh! Pretty Bug! (Pulls out "Idiots Guide to Entomology" and reads aloud to herself) "Pretty bugs in the wild are usually very very dangerous. Sometimes it's just if you eat them. Sometimes it's just if you touch them. Sometimes it's just if you smell them. Sometimes they will attack you. Note: Pretty bugs on serene yet ominous islands should be avoided at all costs by main characters, but may be handled at-will by unnamed characters."
CLAIRE: ...
CLAIRE: Okay then, moving along.
TOKEN SAFARI GUY: Look! Everyone! It's the Monkeys!
EVERYONE: Ooooh! Ahhhhh!
STEVE: Okay people, let's get to observing their behavior while Claire and I go off an not have the sex. Sound like a plan?
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *observes monkeys*
***
[Pretty pretty fresh-water and not-at-all-dangerous-seeming pool with waterfall and big green plants-not-really-indigenous-to-tropical-islands-but-the-audience-won't-really-know-that-so-who-cares]
CLAIRE: Steve. That was the best sex I've never had.
STEVE: Yes, well, it had to be. Because I have to have a reason to rescue you later (not that you would need rescuing, because that would mean that something was wrong, and there's no reason for anything to be wrong ... anyway) and it sure as hell won't be for your intelligence.
CLAIRE: Oh Steve! Let's frolick playfully about the pool.
CLAIRE & STEVE: *frolick*
"LOST CITY": *appears*
CLAIRE & STEVE: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
***
[Our crack team of scientists have relocated to the "lost city" in order to better place themselves in the path of impending doom study the ruins and their meaning]
TOKEN PORTER #1: Man, that sucked.
TOKEN PORTER #2: Yeah.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
NICK: Although I speak many ancient languages I have no clue what these scary and ominous-looking symbols mean.
CLAIRE: It looks like a highly-advanced civilization once lived here. The people lived in joy and prosperity, with pet parrots and smallish monkeys, and learned much about the world and got very rich. It seems, however, they got so smart and so wealthy that they failed to appease their gods in ritualistic sacrifice and the gods smote them down in retribution, leaving nothing but the burned out shell of their city to hide their immense knowledge and wealth for all eternity.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: ...
CLAIRE: What? The pictures on the wall tell the story. I may not be able to read Greek, but I can sure as hell read a picture book.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: oh yeah well that makes sense when you put it that way of course now i see what she's talking about cool
TOKEN MEXICAN GUY: Immense wealth?
***
[The crack team of scientists and more unnamed token characters than could realistically have ever fit onto the scientific-looking boat are now excavating the "lost city" in search of the immense wealth]
STEVE: I think we should have the sex on top of the gold once we find it.
CLAIRE: Shhh! We're still pretending like there is no sexual tension between us, even though we've already had the sex.
STEVE: Oh. Right.
NICK: I found it! I found it!
EVERYONE: *runs to Nick*
STEVE: That's amazing! How did you find it?
NICK: I followed the arrows with the picture of the treasure on them. And here it is.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, that is whack!
STEVE: Genius! I'm glad we brought you along. Even if you do talk dirty to the equipment.
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS *snicker*
CLAIRE: There's so much wealth here, we will all be ... wealthy for the rest of our lives!
EVERYONE: ... Yay!
A GUY SO TOKEN HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ETHNICITY: Hey, what is this ominous looking marking?
BARRAGE OF DEADLY POISONOUS DARTS OF DEATH: *attack*
A GUY SO TOKEN HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ETHNICITY: *dead*
NICK: It's cursed!
CLAIRE: *squeal*
STEVE: I'll save you, Claire!
STEVE: *saves Claire*
NICK: *saves equipment*
RANDOM TOKEN GUYS: *die*
STEVE: That was close!
CLAIRE: Let's have the sex now.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
***
[Deceptively safe campsite at the edge of the "lost city"]
STEVE: Well, things could be worse.
CLAIRE: How?
STEVE: We haven't lost any main characters -- just some of the token guys, and there really wasn't room on the scientific-looking boat for all of them anyway.
CLAIRE: True ...
NICK: And besides, it's not like we have been attacked by the family of monkeys that we originally came here to study.
STEVE & CLAIRE: ...
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
STEVE: Shut up you fucking plot-whore.
NICK: *cowers*
STEVE: Alright people. We're a crack team of scientists. We can beat this!
TOKEN COLUMBIAN GUY: Wait! A "crack team of scientists". Oh no. I thought we were a "team of crack scientists". Man, I'm outta this shit.
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is whack!
STEVE: ...
STEVE: Okay then. We'll just have to stick together. Don't go anywhere alone, especially all of you unnamed people. At this point in the movie that means nothing other than certain death.
UNNAMED PEOPLE: *huddle*
STEVE: In the morning, we will run like the little girls we are back to the scientific-looking boat and leave this place, never to return or speak of the events here, unless it's Oprah, or they offer a really good cut on royalties.
***
[Deceptively safe campsite at the edge of the "lost city": some ominous hour of the night]
TEAM OF CRACK CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *sleeping*
TOKEN SENTRY #1: Man, this sucks.
TOKEN SENTRY #2: Yup.
MONKEYS: *attack*
TOKEN SENTRY #1 & TOKEN SENTRY #2: *die*
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: mmfpthwwwwhaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
STEVE: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
CLAIRE: *gratuitous scanty pajama shot*
NICK: THE EQUIPMENT!!!
MONKEYS: EeeekEeeeekEeeeekEeeekEeeeek
RANDOM TOKEN GUYS: *die*
LARGISH MONKEY LEADER: *chews on TOKEN BLACK GUY
TOKEN BLACK GUY: Man, this is wha---
STEVE: Finally!
CLAIRE: Man, he was whack!
CRACK TEAM OF SCIENTISTS: *run away*
***
[Beach, at dawn]
STEVE: Well, we lost TOKEN BLACK GUY, but once again, all of the named characters and a couple of the token extras are still here.
TOKEN JEW: Oi, this is whack!
STEVE, CLAIRE, NICK: *facepalm*
CLAIRE: But the monkeys have destroyed the raft! How will we get back to the scientific-looking boat?
STEVE: Well, I have perfectly chisled abdominal muscles, so I suggest we swim!
NICK: What about the equipment?!?!
STEVE: Our lives are worth much more than the equipment. But, can you swim?
NICK: Yes, I can swim you dumb jock.
STEVE: Oh, good. I was worried. You know, I can show you some crunches and ...
NICK: Shut it.
STEVE: It's shut.
CLAIRE: Will you two stop fighting! We're all going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!
STEVE: Why? Can you not swim?
CLAIRE: No! It's the monkeys ... they've followed us!
NICK & STEVE: Wha- ??
MONKEYS: *attack*
RANDOM TOKEN GUYS: *die*
NICK, STEVE & CLAIRE: *swim*
MONKEYS: *dance on the bodies of their dead and mutilated victims*
***
[Scientific-looking boat]
CLAIRE: Thank god we made it!
STEVE: It's time to have the sex again.
NICK: my equipment ... *whimper*
TOKEN SAILOR: Ahoy, this is whack!
***
CREDITS: *roll*