a private entry
Here's an entry that I wrote a couple days ago which seems very applicable right now..
Am I too laid back?
Or perhaps selfish is the word I'm looking for...?
It seems as though I have been a little too easygoing regarding relationships in general.
And while I don't regret being truthful, I do regret not being able to clarify things (both to others and myself) at the earliest possibly convenience, and thus have at times laid the groundwork for serious misunderstanding.
I don't pretend to know exacly what makes me do the things I do sometimes, only that there are certain levels of involvement that I'm perfectly capable of sustaining. Anything more becomes unstable and rife with self doubt, thus to be avoided at this time.
It's taken me a little time to figure this out. My modus operandi typically (outside of monogamous relationship, which is to say all of them and encompassing all of my adult life) is to be a little (or probably a lot) on the flirtatious side. Not to be a tease, but simply because I enjoy the company of the sex that I happen to be attracted to and end up interested in what is said and expressed...
And perhaps this is not the way to go. Perhaps a little restraint is in order, as to not give mixed signals or confuse matters which I have not as of yet fully comprehended for myself, even.
I dislike immensely the bad feeling that have come about directly as a result of my own actions. I long for close friendships, yet confuse them easily with emotions that border on dating..
I really hope that in the future this can be stopped, that I can only be involved with women (in the dating sense) that I am am truly internally prepared for emotionally.
I don't pretend to enjoy misleading people, and it's to my eternal shame that I have done so without thought or consience in the recent past.
Am I too laid back?
Or perhaps selfish is the word I'm looking for...?
It seems as though I have been a little too easygoing regarding relationships in general.
And while I don't regret being truthful, I do regret not being able to clarify things (both to others and myself) at the earliest possibly convenience, and thus have at times laid the groundwork for serious misunderstanding.
I don't pretend to know exacly what makes me do the things I do sometimes, only that there are certain levels of involvement that I'm perfectly capable of sustaining. Anything more becomes unstable and rife with self doubt, thus to be avoided at this time.
It's taken me a little time to figure this out. My modus operandi typically (outside of monogamous relationship, which is to say all of them and encompassing all of my adult life) is to be a little (or probably a lot) on the flirtatious side. Not to be a tease, but simply because I enjoy the company of the sex that I happen to be attracted to and end up interested in what is said and expressed...
And perhaps this is not the way to go. Perhaps a little restraint is in order, as to not give mixed signals or confuse matters which I have not as of yet fully comprehended for myself, even.
I dislike immensely the bad feeling that have come about directly as a result of my own actions. I long for close friendships, yet confuse them easily with emotions that border on dating..
I really hope that in the future this can be stopped, that I can only be involved with women (in the dating sense) that I am am truly internally prepared for emotionally.
I don't pretend to enjoy misleading people, and it's to my eternal shame that I have done so without thought or consience in the recent past.