NC-17 | Five Times Jensen Ackles Realized He Was in Love with Jared Padalecki
Drumroll ... this is the result of Timestamp poll. :-D
Title: Five Times Jensen Ackles Realized He Was in Love with Jared Padalecki
Words: 5,800
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Title says it all.
Notes: This came out of nowhere in my brain and I thought it was an interesting way to do the 5x spiel while also being incredibly awesome to my flist. SOOOOO hope you guys love like it. Special thanks to countess7 for all the beta, encouragement, harassment, whatever. Cut text from Michael Franti's "Say Hey (I Love You)" because it's an awesome, peppy song and I adore it.
* * *
I. Why I’m Talking to You
* * *
Jensen has spent the last decade putting in long hours, sacrificing weekends, and all around being a yes-man. He’s used to last minute agreements to do work, getting up butt-ugly early on a weekend to go into the office, and forgetting the possibility of a social life. So when he rises early one Sunday morning, he does everything the way he has for the last few years of fighting his way into the corner office. He showers, shaves, dresses, makes coffee. It’s all so typical.
But it ends there, because he’s in his kitchen pouring coffee when it finally dawns him that after taking that new office with oh so many windows, he finally has what people in the business call … clout. And while it took a good few months to really come to this conclusion, Jensen decides he’s putting it into action immediately.
He goes back to the bedroom and leans across the bed, his hands pushing into the mattress and framing Jared. “Hey,” he all but whispers.
Jared mumbles back, “I’m not waking up without food.”
Jensen chuckles to himself and leans closer, nipping at Jared’s ear. “What about the promise of food?”
He shifts to his back, hair splaying everywhere, eyes mashed shut with sleepiness, and his mouth working through it all. He’s kind of a mess, but Jensen wouldn’t have it any other way right now because he’s planning on playing hooky with the guy. Jared mumbles while wiping a hand over his face. “What’re we talking here?”
“You shower,” Jensen starts as he pulls back and brings his leg up to sit comfortably. “And we’ll go down by the Harborwalk.”
Jared picks his head up to look out the windows across the way, getting a full view of the harbor and the stretch of water beyond it. He drops his head back to the pillow. “Looks cold.”
Jensen nudges his knee against Jared’s side. “C’mon. We’ll get coffee.”
“You buying?”
With an eyebrow raise, like this is the only stipulation to the plan, Jensen says, “Naturally, yes.”
Jared takes a big inhale and throws his body up to roll out the other side of the bed, going straight into the bathroom. “Better be good coffee,” he yells from within the closed room.
*
Jensen makes good on the promise and they walk a few blocks over to his secret little coffee shop, one he hasn’t introduced Jared to yet. For a split second he wonders why then realizes that over the few months they’ve been dating, and for as many times as Jared stays the night, they’ve never had a morning together. It’s usually Jensen readying in the early morning quiet, dropping a quick kiss to Jared’s mouth, and slipping out the door. It hasn’t been them, together, in the daylight.
So as Jared raves about the sweet syrupy concoction that Jensen orders as usual - coconut syrup with a splash of vanilla, he’s inspired to try a mix of chocolate and cherry syrups. He whole heartedly approves of that, too, grinning at Jensen the whole way out the door and down the block.
It’s cold out, and the winds off the harbor only make it worse. But Jensen’s warmed from the inside by coffee and the hand he holds as they walk along the harbor. They sit at one point, just watching the water crushing against the docks and Jensen leans against Jared’s arm. Jared squeezes his hand right back and Jensen mumbles, “Not so cold.”
Jared turns and his mouth rests just at the edge of Jensen’s head. “Nah, it’s not so bad.”
“All that whining for nothing.”
“Yeah, I know I’m a hassle,” he replies with a smile.
“Sure are. And ungrateful,” Jensen adds, also with a smile.
*
The day had gone so well, relaxing, comfortable that Jensen wouldn’t wish it away. Except that when he gets into the office on Monday, there’s so much to hustle on just to stay on target. He’s rushing through conference call after conference call, trying to ignore the numerous emails coming from graphics, and is popping up from behind his desk and calling for Danneel when he’s ready to head out for a meeting.
They’re standing in his doorway, him tugging his jacket on while she takes notes. “Tell Tom no red,” he’s saying forcefully. “People don’t want to see fire on the page. It freaks the eyes out. It says emergency, not energy.”
“Do you have another suggestion?”
He looks down on her, a little haughty and ready to push back more because he’s really not in the mood.
“I’m just asking,” she presses on while raising her hands. “He’s gonna ask what you'd prefer.”
Jensen stalks back into his office, fixing his tie before grabbing his portfolio with Danneel wandering behind him. “Blue. Green. Purple. Fuscia. Don’t care. Just no red.”
“Yeah, got it,” Danneel says, unimpressed with his attitude but not rocking the boat.
There’s a short knock at the door and they look up to see Jared smiling and leaning against the doorway. “Hey, guys.”
“Hey, Jared,” Danneel smiles while Jensen’s mouth quirks for a moment.
“I have a meeting. Can’t talk right now,” Jensen rushes out and looks back to Danneel. “And he has to check with Surecell’s last graphics run. Get some tags off that for the fonts and the leading. They’ve got it all wrong.”
“That it?” Danneel asks.
“For now.” Jensen watches her leave the office and catches Jared still there. He’s not so much smiling anymore, just watching Jensen fix the cuffs on his suit shirt and the edges of his jacket sleeves before buttoning the thing shut. “I can’t, Jared,” he huffs out while shaking his head.
“Alright, yeah,” he shrugs as he pushes off the doorway. “I’ll just call you later?”
He’s distracted with grabbing his Blackberry and a few random files to tuck into his portfolio, so his voice is flat with, “Yeah, fine.”
“I’ll just leave this at Dani’s desk.”
When he looks back up, Jared’s already gone, but he doesn’t have time to worry about it. He checks the last of his things then moves out the doorway and down the hallway. Naturally, Danneel follows. “You really should’ve talked to him.”
“Not now.”
“Jensen,” she says firmly, then pushes a cup of coffee into his hands. One he hadn’t had before and is warm in his hands.
“I don’t exactly have the time.”
Danneel’s voice comes softer. “True. But you could’ve at least been nicer.”
At the bank of elevators, he punches the button then watches her as he takes a sip of coffee. He tastes vanilla and coconut. And he sighs realizing where it came from. “Was I that bad?”
Her face scrunches a bit. “You weren’t that good.”
Jensen sighs, not even sure what to say or do about it right now.
When he gets out to the lobby, he hurries through the space and out the doors, ready to grab a cab but he spots Jared standing at the curb trying to hail one himself. So he rushes over there and grabs at Jared’s elbow. Jared turns and before Jensen can say anything he sees how his face flips from down to not-so-down, like he’s trying to look okay but can’t get there. “Jared,” Jensen says gently. “Look, I - ”
“No, don’t worry. Shouldn’t’ve just stopped by unannounced.”
He quickly argues back, “It’s just a busy day. Yesterday threw me off and we’re rushing around now to get everything pulled together.”
Jared shrugs oddly, “Maybe we shouldn’t’ve gone out then.”
“No, not what I’m saying.” Then Jensen tugs Jared away from the street when a cab pulls up. He’s not ready to leave just yet. “I like when you stop by,” he says, a bit more easily than he had imagined it would be. Jensen tips his cup. “And the coffee. I like when you bring the coffee.”
His mouth tips up a little, like he doesn’t feel so bad about bothering Jensen. “I went to that place from yesterday.”
“Yeah, I know,” he smiles, finally feeling really good about the day.
“It was a thank you. For the harbor. It was nice.”
Jensen nods, keeping his eyes trained on Jared’s.
“It was nice having time. Just us.”
“Yeah, it was,” he says gently. And Jensen’s reminded of all the late nights when Jared meets him at his place and they order in late dinners, watch TV, and then fall into bed. He really loves the comfort of the evenings and waking up to Jared, but he knows there’s more to life than that. “I’m gonna talk to Randy. See about pulling back from the SKYY account.”
Jared looks surprised, almost as much as Jensen is that he even said it. “What? For what?”
For you he wants to say, but it feels like too much to share on the street, in front of his office building. Jensen shrugs awkwardly. “For my sanity? I want to focus on Surecell. Be home a little more. Sleep a little more,” he smirks.
The smile on Jared’s face spreads, as he read between the lines, and Jensen’s thankful that he gets it without having to share a full-on heart-to-heart. Jared leans in and kisses with enough push to make it mean something. As he pulls back, Jared playfully slaps at Jensen’s stomach. “Go be awesome.”
He cocks his head a little and grins. “Always am.”
“I’ll see you later tonight,” Jared says as he steps back for Jensen to grab the next waiting cab.
As he’s getting in, Jensen calls back, “It won’t be too late.”
Jared practically beams as he raises a hand to wave. “Alright.”
And Jensen beams, too, leaning back in the cab just barely caring that he’s going to be late for his meeting.
* * *
II. Cuddling
* * *
Jensen stares at the ceiling, wishing it to be full of sheep. Maybe a hundred or two that he can count, though, he’d like to think he wouldn’t get that high before finally succumbing to sleep. But all he sees is an expanse of cream, stretching corner to corner. He sighs quietly, bending a knee up and trying to fight against what’s second nature at the moment.
He feels foolish. There’s no reason to give in to the temptation. But he just needs rest, needs his eyes to fall shut and stay that way. It hasn’t happened in the hour or so he’s been in bed, and he doesn’t feel it happening any time soon.
Jensen curses himself for even having the idea. Jared has an early call time, and Jensen wants to sleep in. He’d told Jared he’d take to his own room so he wouldn’t be bothered by the alarm, but now he’s just bothered by the fact he’d even suggested it.
A count to ten, trying to will the idea away, doesn’t even help. Jensen rolls to his side, snatches his cell, and hits the most used speed dial.
“What’s wrong?” Jared asks, sleepy and low.
“Are you actually sleeping?”
“Right now? No, I’m not.”
“Me neither.”
There’s a pause and a couple slow, steady breaths before Jared responds, “I don’t know why you can’t sleep, but my problem is the fact that you’re calling me.”
Jensen smirks because Jared’s voice is only lined with annoyance. He knows there’s some humor in there, too. “Can’t get enough of your sexy voice,” he jokes.
“Dude, I’m up in three hours,” Jared whines, and then promptly hangs up.
He closes the phone and rests it at his chest, counting again to ten before dialing Jared again.
“Dick,” is the answering word.
Jensen takes a short breath. “Asshole, I can’t sleep.”
“Take an Ambien,” Jared says and hangs up again.
The phone goes back on his nightstand then he rolls to the side, feeling at least a little placated with a small connection to Jared. Jensen plunks his head into his pillow, tugs the comforter up high. Hoping that layers of fluffy cotton will settle him enough to sleep.
It doesn’t.
He goes so far as to cross his arms under the blanket, tucking into himself and internally grumbling through all the aggravation of not being able to sleep. But then he smirks when he hears heavy footsteps down the stairs then trailing into his room.
Jared drops his cell onto the nightstand before yanking the blankets up and sliding in behind Jensen. They meld together instantly, chest to back, legs slotting together. Jared’s arms circle Jensen, one around his waist and the other above his head while his nose dips into Jensen’s hair.
Jensen smiles, easily keeping his eyes closed. He shifts to thread fingers into each of Jared’s hands and relax against his body.
“My phone’s going off at three-thirty. I don’t wanna hear you cry about it,” Jared says against the back of Jensen’s head.
His fingers flex against Jared’s and his smile rides high on his face. This cuddling thing isn’t new, but the spread of warmth through his chest, burning just below his ribcage is. And he realizes that he doesn’t want to ever declare separation in the name of sleep. Because he really can’t get any without Jared in his space. “I love you, man,” Jensen says with humor, but he totally means it.
“You better,” Jared replies.
* * *
III. Give Life
* * *
Jensen isn’t sure how Jared does it, but whenever he wants to, on random days, without warning, he just appears in Jensen’s cubicle. He’ll just plop down in the guest chair of his cubicle and make proclamations, like “That Mongolian beef last night was better than a blow job.” Or “Niners won. I think my fantasy team is fucked.” It’s always amusing, and Jensen’s always a little jolted by Jared’s voice in his space, but he’s come to realize the guy’s not going to stop dropping in. Especially when they work in the same building, and Jared has great sympathy for the fact that Jensen still hates his co-workers and figures his little visits ease Jensen’s workplace stress.
This day, Jared’s once again charmed his way past the receptionist - who Jensen’s pretty sure has an unhealthy crush on them both, individually, or maybe together? He’s not sure - and across the office to Jensen’s cubicle. “They’re doing flu shots on the second floor.”
It’s taken him two months to build up immunity to Jared’s random pop-ins. He no longer has the urge to drop everything he’s doing and turn to the guy. He can actually function during his boyfriend’s visits when early on his nerves got the better of him. And this immunity is most helpful when he’s on a deadline, like now. Jensen just keeps typing at his computer, but does say, “’Morning Jensen. Boy, you look busy.’”
Jared stretches, legs filling most of the space between his chair and Jensen’s. He even taps the toe of his shoe at one of the wheels, partly out of boredom and mostly for attention. “Morning Jensen,” he mocks. “Boy, you’re hot in that shirt. Look good in blue. Have I told you that?”
Jensen shakes his head but then he smiles to his screen. Mostly because of Jared, because the guy’s pretty hot himself, and Jensen likes hearing that Jared finds him attractive.
“What’re you doing? Wanna go at lunch?”
“Go where?” Jensen asks with approximately 90 perfect of his attention on his screen. The other ten is still focusing on Jared saying he’s hot.
“Flu shots.”
He finally pushes himself away and spins in his chair. He smirks, leaning back in the seat and crossing his arms. “Funny, I thought you were going to talk about eating lunch at lunch.”
Jared’s feet move to trap one of Jensen’s. “We can eat after. They might have snacks.”
Jensen’s eyes narrow as his foot wiggles against Jared’s. “They will not.”
“You going or no?”
“No,” he answers quickly and shifts to go back to his screen, but Jared’s feet are still keeping his left right foot in place.
“Why not?”
Jensen shrugs and just watches Jared, silently thinking about how adorable the guy is, even when he’s trying to convince Jensen to willingly get stabbed.
Jared’s hands go out and he says easily, “Here’s the thing … flu shots will block like 90% of the germs in the air.”
“Great. You get one, and then I won’t get sick off of you.”
“But you’ll get sick off other people,” he points out with an amused voice. “And then you might have that one bug that goes into the 10% and I’ll still get sick. I don’t really care to add mucus to our makeouts.”
“Well, I don’t really care much for flu shots.”
Jared chuckles. “Dude, you really gotta ease on up on the shot problem.”
Jensen makes an effort to extract his foot and he turns back to his desk. “Right. The needle is perfectly harmless.”
He rises and eases himself onto the bit of desk space that’s actually empty. His feet swing, kicking the underside of Jensen’s chair - this time most definitely for attention. “What’d the needle ever do to you?” When he sees Jensen’s fingers pause on the keyboard, he glances up at the screen then scoots further back on the desk to get comfortable. “What’re you doing?”
“Finishing up my TPS report.”
Jared snorts. “What is this place? Initech?”
“Technical Product Specs,” Jensen says slowly as he leans his head back to rest at the top of his chair. He looks up to Jared. “What do you want?”
The voice had been annoyed but Jared can’t ignore the smile on Jensen’s face while he said it, so Jared smiles right back. “You don’t wanna grab a flu shot for lunch?” he asks, while poking a finger into Jensen’s bicep. “Building’s offering them on a discount.”
The flinch is obvious and Jensen tries to cover a groan. “I’m game for lunch.”
Jared stands, feeling victorious. “Meet on two?”
“Uh, I’ll meet you in the lobby.”
“No shot?” Jensen shakes his head and Jared leans back on the desk again. Though his voice is a little quieter. “You really don’t want the shot?”
Jensen snorts. “I’d prefer to not be poked in the arm by a metal rod, thank you very much.”
He pinches at Jensen’s bicep. “You afraid of a widdle needle.”
Another flinch, and Jensen’s nearly scowling. “Those things are not little. Need I remind you of donating blood?”
“Yeah, and you met me. Awesome, right?”
Jensen crosses his arms and leans further back in his chair. “Oh, so if I go get stabbed in the arm again, I might meet a hot guy who’ll proposition me in the parking lot?”
“Dude,” Jared protests, but he’s smirking the whole time.
“Why didn’t you say so? I’ll go right now.”
“Man, you get sick, I am not nursing your ass.”
“No soup?” Jensen fake pouts
Jared crosses his arms. “I won’t even buy you cough drops.”
*
Jensen spent two months developing immunity to Jared’s random cubicle pop-ins, but he hasn’t learned how to resist his badgering. So when they sit in a conference room on the second floor, Jensen’s cursing Jared’s name over and over in his head. Then Jared’s hand slips into his and squeezes with a soft smile.
Jensen tries to return it and lamely says, “Don’t even have juice.”
“I’ll steal you some from the day care.”
“My hero,” Jensen smarts back.
But he’s really just focusing on Jared’s eyes holding his own ...
“Son of a bitch!” Jensen winces with the sharp prick in his muscle.
Jared pets at Jensen’s head and smiles with a bit of humor in his voice. “That’s it, baby. Take it like a man.”
* * *
IV. Smut for Smut’s Sake
* * *
Jensen hears the words in his head nearly every time he sees Jared’s face. Wanna keep you here. He hears the heavy want and thick desperation that had coated them, and they strike him so hard with truth. He knows that Jared wants more from Jensen and this thing between them than Jensen wants to admit to himself. It’s obvious with the careful touches and long stares, sex that’s less frantic with more talking than Jensen ever initiates.
But it strikes him when he wakes to an empty bed. Jensen stretches, almost surprised at missing the feel of smooth cotton right against his body and he spots the sleep pants covering his lower half. It’s then that he remembers coming in late, so late, from filming, and they both had just enough energy to change and collapse into bed together.
Jensen kind of wishes that he’d woken to Jared, his reaction to their short night and the potential for the morning. And then he realizes that he just really wants to see Jared’s face. Wants to see his reaction to them spending the night together and not doing anything. Jared’s reaction of what it means to him.
He finds Jared in the bathroom, fresh from the shower with just cotton pants, combing through his damp hair and giving a small smile as Jensen slides onto the bathroom counter, hands down on the surface, back hunched forward. He just watches for a few moments before murmuring, “Mornin’.”
“You, too,” Jared smirks as he smoothes lotion across his shoulders, down his chest.
Jensen’s pretty sure Jared’s not trying to be obscene. The guy’s head is tucked down as he watches that he covers his skin. He’s not leering or going slow or anything, but Jensen’s still feeling it stir in his stomach and tingle down his arms, all the way into his fingers. They tap quickly on the counter.
“You can just jump right into the shower,” Jared says easily as he wipes his hands on a towel. His mouth quirks. “Or are you waiting on me to make some coffee?”
He smirks in return. “Hey, c’mere,” he says easily as he taps his foot against Jared’s knee.
“What?” Jared swipes a hand down his chest and as he looks down. “I miss a spot?”
When Jensen’s hands land at his hips, Jared gets it and immediately settles between Jensen’s spread legs. Jensen leans up and kisses, slow and easy. His mouth spreads Jared’s open and the tongue spills in, twirling around Jared’s.
It goes on, much longer than normal, as Jensen usually starts groping or pressing in tight, showing Jared what he really wants. But right now, he just stays there on the counter, holds Jared in place, keeps his mouth working with Jared’s. The only real change is Jared’s hands framing his face, fingers splayed across either side of his jaw and holding gently while they go on.
Jensen hears the words again, the ones from a week ago when Jared came to him in his room and made sex feel like something more than just burning really good energy. Wanna keep you here. As they kiss, he imagines how they had formed off Jared’s tongue. He relives that night, when Jared all but begged for confirmation that this was real.
Jared pulls back to catch his breath but rests his forehead to Jensen’s while his hands skate down to Jensen’s neck, still touching softly.
Jensen tips up to talk at Jared’s mouth as he murmurs, “Hey, J?”
“Yeah?” he asks quietly.
The words freeze in his throat, so he just moves closer with a sucking kiss, almost more for reassurance, a reminder, that Jared really does want this. Because he knows Jared does, and now he does, too, but it’s hard to say it aloud. To admit that this isn’t just screwing around. That he really wants what life could be like if this thing becomes Jensen and Jared. His hands coast up and down Jared’s sides, feeling the smooth warmth of his skin and then he inhales sharply. “J.”
Jared is again quiet, but there’s a smile in his voice. “Yeah?”
The words are triggered to repeat in his mind. Wanna keep you here.
“You okay, man?” Jared asks.
Wanna keep you here. Jensen leans up to kiss once more and finally opens his eyes and takes in Jared’s face. “I’m gonna stay here, alright?” he says a little lamely.
Jared eyes him and he smirks with confusion. “I’m not kicking you out.”
He smiles at Jared’s misunderstanding, and tries to explain instead, “Last night, this morning, I don’t care that nothing happened. Just want to be here.” With you Jensen says to himself, but Jared seems to hear it anyway.
As Jared’s smile firms a bit, his hands slip back up to Jensen’s jaw. “You really want to?”
With a nod Jensen moves up to Jared’s kiss while his hands squeeze Jared’s hips. In between kisses, Jensen murmurs, “You know … the sex … better not drop … still expect … good shit from you.”
Jared leans forward while he ramps up the kiss, making it messy and a bit forceful. “It’s gonna get better,” he promises while slipping a hand into the front of Jensen’s pants.
Jensen pushes back as well as he can while staying on the counter. His hand goes around Jared’s back and down into his pants, a finger pressing its way down his crack and circling his hole.
“Oh, fuck,” Jared mumbles into his mouth and then stutters his hand sliding up and down Jensen’s cock. As the finger dips into his ass, he straightens a little then tugs on Jensen’s waistband, bringing it down his hips enough that his dick is free and easier for Jared to jerk.
There are then two fingers jutting in and out quickly and Jared’s breathing is loud and his body’s moving with the pressure while Jensen does his best to keep kissing him. But it doesn’t work well with how each are more focused on the pleasure rippling through their bodies, and with how Jensen tries to move up into Jared’s hand. He pushes his forehead against Jared’s cheek as they both keep going. His fingers keep sliding in and out and Jared keeps jerking his hand, amping Jensen right up.
Jensen mumbles, “You know, I didn’t say that just to make you do this.”
“I’m sure you did,” Jared smirks.
He huffs with a smile, “Would never.”
“Are you complaining?” Jared smirks back.
“Hmm,” he sounds as tingles spike across his skin and he’s feeling it come too soon.
“You saying you don’t care … this morning.” Jared’s breathing gets a little loud as his movements stutter. “That nothing … And, uh, you don’t want to not do that … on occasion?”
“Not a bit.” Jensen moves to press a kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth, recognizing how easy Jared suddenly seems. It’s never been like this when they’ve messed around. He’s either quiet and giving in to Jensen, or oddly emotional about it, like he’s too nervous to just be himself when they’re like this. But here, the smiles and the humor hit Jensen somewhere else, burrowing deep in his chest. “Oh, fuck,” he groans as his hips start moving, jittery and uncoordinated.
“Think it’s a little too late for that,” Jared says against his mouth. And then he’s cursing his own, “Oh, fuck,” when Jensen takes his hand away, followed by a withered “Fuck,” as Jensen curls his fingers around his dick and strokes quickly.
“You remember.” Jensen starts on heavy breaths. “That first night. Drunk. The couch.”
“Just like this,” Jared smiles against his mouth and moving into Jensen’s hand as quickly as his own hand is stroking Jensen.
Jensen stutters again and moans into Jared’s mouth as he feels everything spread over his skin, beneath it, coursing his veins, and then he comes right over Jared’s hand.
Jared looks down, watches Jensen sputter across his fingers and on both their stomachs, lines of pearly white drawing random patterns. “Oh, God, Jen,” he moans at the sight. And even more so when Jensen’s hand wipes over Jared’s skin, gathering up his come then goes back to stroking Jared. The warm wetness sets Jared off and he’s coming seconds later, pushing his head against Jensen’s as he comes between them.
“Hey,” Jensen murmurs, tipping his head up to Jared’s. They kiss with lazy, useless tongues. He says at Jared’s lips, “It was nothing like this.”
* * *
V. Pretending
* * *
When Jensen really thought about it, he could pinpoint little moments when the wall crumbled inch by inch. Like the fact that Jensen adored Sandy, but when she and Jared broke up, there was an odd corner of Jensen’s heart that warmed. Or the zillion times Jared slung a hand around Jensen’s neck and pulled him in close for a sideways hug and Jensen only half-heartedly fought it. Or every morning when Jared came up from a run, sweaty and tan and shirtless, and not even aware the body he’d built did things to Jensen’s stomach.
Jensen kinda, sorta, maybe, possibly loved Jared.
There was no way around any of those things - They spent a good 15 hours a day together at work, and there were so many times Jared yanked Jensen around to wrestle or hug. And living together forced a half-naked Jared to be present far too often.
Jensen loved his job. He loved acting and he loved the crew and the storylines and he really loved Dean Winchester like a best friend or brother. He wasn’t going to abandon Supernatural. So maybe a new living situation was in order because seeing Jared so much, and feeling the way he did, was getting to be a bit to handle.
Instead, he tried ever so casually, “Was thinking. It’s been two years. Maybe I should move out?”
Jared barely looked up from his latest ESPN Magazine. “I ain’t moving any boxes.”
Jensen frowned, not expecting that to be Jared’s response.
*
A few days later on set, he tried, again casual, “Think it’s been long enough, yeah? Maybe I should get my own space. Stop living in your gaseous shadow.”
“It don’t cause cancer,” Jared smirked.
“I don’t know, man. You’re pretty rank.”
“It’s like flowers.”
“It’s like you vomited sour milk then took a shit on it.”
Jared chuckled then held a crooked smirk, and Jensen had no response to that.
*
When Jensen finally started bringing boxes home, Jared gave him a lot of questioning glances. But when Jensen asked what was up, he’d just smarted off, “Don’t forget to forward your Cosmopolitan.”
“Why don’t you go jerk off to Real Simple?” Jensen shot back with a smile.
“That’s shit’s beautiful, dude.”
*
Jensen thought they were maybe getting to the real point of conversation when Jared was haughty over video games and finally asked Jensen, “Why you doing this?”
Except, Jensen couldn’t feasibly answer without muttering how he was falling for the guy and it didn’t make sense to subject himself to the torture of a gladiator body without jacking off every twenty minutes.
But then Jared got even testier about it and just ragged on him about leaving and how good it was going to be. “I’m gonna be fucking excited when you’re gone,” he’d said while practically storming out of Jensen’s bedroom. And Jensen was lost with how to really deal with that.
And when Jared’d asked if Jensen was leaving the bed so he could still crash there, Jensen hoped Jared would take it a step further and insist that he stay with it. Because he hadn’t. Not once since Jensen first brought it up, and that was killing him more than anything. Jared didn’t even try to argue that they were cool and friends and he should stay because he wanted Jensen to live there. Far beyond his ever-growing feelings for Jared, Jensen felt burned as a friend that Jared wasn’t asking him to stay.
Instead, he just taunted him about leaving and how he was ruining Jared’s reputation as a roommate. Jensen felt pretty shitty overall and barely slept.
*
The day of the move, they both were a little strange. Jensen still didn’t like that he actually followed through with this whole ridiculous plan. On top of that, he was still pissed at Jared for not trying to fight for him to stay. He’d asked plenty of times why Jensen was moving, but didn’t even bother once to say Don’t.
Until he finally did. He finally asked “Will you not leave?”
God, yes, Jensen wanted to answer, but he just played it cool. Even patted himself on the back that he said Maybe a little to Jared’s joke that Jensen was in love with him. Even when he wanted to say maybe a lot.
After a few glasses of wine, sitting on the back porch while watching the dogs chase tennis balls that Jared kept launching after they’d return them, Jensen felt a weird moment pass. Jared gave him a tiny smile. So tiny, it felt secret, even when there was no one around to hide it from.
“You’re fucking beaming,” Jensen said on a chuckle. “Happier than a pig in shit that I’m back.”
“Who’m I gonna fart on if you’re not here?”
“Fuck. You’re a child.”
“Makes you a pedophile.”
Jensen looked at Jared, spotting that smile again. He looked up to the sky, felt the wine hitting his brain, and lamely said, “I was maybe leaving because I kinda, sorta feel more than friends.” He could still see Jared, see how he was busy scratching at Harley’s side and staying quiet.
Until he said quietly but kind of easy, “Yeah, I know.”
“I’m not gonna … I won’t do … ” Jensen sighed.
“Hey, it’s cool.”
“I’m not gonna jump your ass in bed or anything.”
“So I don’t need that chastity belt?”
Jensen smirked at Jared, glad he was joking and not so affected by the confession.
“I maybe asked you to stay for the same reason.”
He looked over for that. Staring while Jared patted down Harley’s flank and gave random quick glances with that small smile. “Well, that’s interesting.”
Jared nodded while watching Harley slide down to the ground and pant in appreciation to the attention.
“You’re totally in love with me,” Jensen smirked at the edge of his wine glass.
He chuckled. “A little.”
“A lot.”
“Hmm.”
As Jensen headed back inside for more wine, he nearly sing-songed, finally feeling like the less pathetic person. “You were scared I’d leave.”
Jared grabbed Jensen’s wrist, pulling him back and looking up into his face. His smile was smaller than before, like he was on the verge of frowning. “Would you have really left, if I didn’t ask?”
Jensen shrugged then leaned against the side of Jared’s chair. “Don’t have to find out.”
“Nah, we don’t,” Jared smirked and pulled Jensen down and kissed him.
Title: Five Times Jensen Ackles Realized He Was in Love with Jared Padalecki
Words: 5,800
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Title says it all.
Notes: This came out of nowhere in my brain and I thought it was an interesting way to do the 5x spiel while also being incredibly awesome to my flist. SOOOOO hope you guys love like it. Special thanks to countess7 for all the beta, encouragement, harassment, whatever. Cut text from Michael Franti's "Say Hey (I Love You)" because it's an awesome, peppy song and I adore it.
* * *
I. Why I’m Talking to You
* * *
Jensen has spent the last decade putting in long hours, sacrificing weekends, and all around being a yes-man. He’s used to last minute agreements to do work, getting up butt-ugly early on a weekend to go into the office, and forgetting the possibility of a social life. So when he rises early one Sunday morning, he does everything the way he has for the last few years of fighting his way into the corner office. He showers, shaves, dresses, makes coffee. It’s all so typical.
But it ends there, because he’s in his kitchen pouring coffee when it finally dawns him that after taking that new office with oh so many windows, he finally has what people in the business call … clout. And while it took a good few months to really come to this conclusion, Jensen decides he’s putting it into action immediately.
He goes back to the bedroom and leans across the bed, his hands pushing into the mattress and framing Jared. “Hey,” he all but whispers.
Jared mumbles back, “I’m not waking up without food.”
Jensen chuckles to himself and leans closer, nipping at Jared’s ear. “What about the promise of food?”
He shifts to his back, hair splaying everywhere, eyes mashed shut with sleepiness, and his mouth working through it all. He’s kind of a mess, but Jensen wouldn’t have it any other way right now because he’s planning on playing hooky with the guy. Jared mumbles while wiping a hand over his face. “What’re we talking here?”
“You shower,” Jensen starts as he pulls back and brings his leg up to sit comfortably. “And we’ll go down by the Harborwalk.”
Jared picks his head up to look out the windows across the way, getting a full view of the harbor and the stretch of water beyond it. He drops his head back to the pillow. “Looks cold.”
Jensen nudges his knee against Jared’s side. “C’mon. We’ll get coffee.”
“You buying?”
With an eyebrow raise, like this is the only stipulation to the plan, Jensen says, “Naturally, yes.”
Jared takes a big inhale and throws his body up to roll out the other side of the bed, going straight into the bathroom. “Better be good coffee,” he yells from within the closed room.
*
Jensen makes good on the promise and they walk a few blocks over to his secret little coffee shop, one he hasn’t introduced Jared to yet. For a split second he wonders why then realizes that over the few months they’ve been dating, and for as many times as Jared stays the night, they’ve never had a morning together. It’s usually Jensen readying in the early morning quiet, dropping a quick kiss to Jared’s mouth, and slipping out the door. It hasn’t been them, together, in the daylight.
So as Jared raves about the sweet syrupy concoction that Jensen orders as usual - coconut syrup with a splash of vanilla, he’s inspired to try a mix of chocolate and cherry syrups. He whole heartedly approves of that, too, grinning at Jensen the whole way out the door and down the block.
It’s cold out, and the winds off the harbor only make it worse. But Jensen’s warmed from the inside by coffee and the hand he holds as they walk along the harbor. They sit at one point, just watching the water crushing against the docks and Jensen leans against Jared’s arm. Jared squeezes his hand right back and Jensen mumbles, “Not so cold.”
Jared turns and his mouth rests just at the edge of Jensen’s head. “Nah, it’s not so bad.”
“All that whining for nothing.”
“Yeah, I know I’m a hassle,” he replies with a smile.
“Sure are. And ungrateful,” Jensen adds, also with a smile.
*
The day had gone so well, relaxing, comfortable that Jensen wouldn’t wish it away. Except that when he gets into the office on Monday, there’s so much to hustle on just to stay on target. He’s rushing through conference call after conference call, trying to ignore the numerous emails coming from graphics, and is popping up from behind his desk and calling for Danneel when he’s ready to head out for a meeting.
They’re standing in his doorway, him tugging his jacket on while she takes notes. “Tell Tom no red,” he’s saying forcefully. “People don’t want to see fire on the page. It freaks the eyes out. It says emergency, not energy.”
“Do you have another suggestion?”
He looks down on her, a little haughty and ready to push back more because he’s really not in the mood.
“I’m just asking,” she presses on while raising her hands. “He’s gonna ask what you'd prefer.”
Jensen stalks back into his office, fixing his tie before grabbing his portfolio with Danneel wandering behind him. “Blue. Green. Purple. Fuscia. Don’t care. Just no red.”
“Yeah, got it,” Danneel says, unimpressed with his attitude but not rocking the boat.
There’s a short knock at the door and they look up to see Jared smiling and leaning against the doorway. “Hey, guys.”
“Hey, Jared,” Danneel smiles while Jensen’s mouth quirks for a moment.
“I have a meeting. Can’t talk right now,” Jensen rushes out and looks back to Danneel. “And he has to check with Surecell’s last graphics run. Get some tags off that for the fonts and the leading. They’ve got it all wrong.”
“That it?” Danneel asks.
“For now.” Jensen watches her leave the office and catches Jared still there. He’s not so much smiling anymore, just watching Jensen fix the cuffs on his suit shirt and the edges of his jacket sleeves before buttoning the thing shut. “I can’t, Jared,” he huffs out while shaking his head.
“Alright, yeah,” he shrugs as he pushes off the doorway. “I’ll just call you later?”
He’s distracted with grabbing his Blackberry and a few random files to tuck into his portfolio, so his voice is flat with, “Yeah, fine.”
“I’ll just leave this at Dani’s desk.”
When he looks back up, Jared’s already gone, but he doesn’t have time to worry about it. He checks the last of his things then moves out the doorway and down the hallway. Naturally, Danneel follows. “You really should’ve talked to him.”
“Not now.”
“Jensen,” she says firmly, then pushes a cup of coffee into his hands. One he hadn’t had before and is warm in his hands.
“I don’t exactly have the time.”
Danneel’s voice comes softer. “True. But you could’ve at least been nicer.”
At the bank of elevators, he punches the button then watches her as he takes a sip of coffee. He tastes vanilla and coconut. And he sighs realizing where it came from. “Was I that bad?”
Her face scrunches a bit. “You weren’t that good.”
Jensen sighs, not even sure what to say or do about it right now.
When he gets out to the lobby, he hurries through the space and out the doors, ready to grab a cab but he spots Jared standing at the curb trying to hail one himself. So he rushes over there and grabs at Jared’s elbow. Jared turns and before Jensen can say anything he sees how his face flips from down to not-so-down, like he’s trying to look okay but can’t get there. “Jared,” Jensen says gently. “Look, I - ”
“No, don’t worry. Shouldn’t’ve just stopped by unannounced.”
He quickly argues back, “It’s just a busy day. Yesterday threw me off and we’re rushing around now to get everything pulled together.”
Jared shrugs oddly, “Maybe we shouldn’t’ve gone out then.”
“No, not what I’m saying.” Then Jensen tugs Jared away from the street when a cab pulls up. He’s not ready to leave just yet. “I like when you stop by,” he says, a bit more easily than he had imagined it would be. Jensen tips his cup. “And the coffee. I like when you bring the coffee.”
His mouth tips up a little, like he doesn’t feel so bad about bothering Jensen. “I went to that place from yesterday.”
“Yeah, I know,” he smiles, finally feeling really good about the day.
“It was a thank you. For the harbor. It was nice.”
Jensen nods, keeping his eyes trained on Jared’s.
“It was nice having time. Just us.”
“Yeah, it was,” he says gently. And Jensen’s reminded of all the late nights when Jared meets him at his place and they order in late dinners, watch TV, and then fall into bed. He really loves the comfort of the evenings and waking up to Jared, but he knows there’s more to life than that. “I’m gonna talk to Randy. See about pulling back from the SKYY account.”
Jared looks surprised, almost as much as Jensen is that he even said it. “What? For what?”
For you he wants to say, but it feels like too much to share on the street, in front of his office building. Jensen shrugs awkwardly. “For my sanity? I want to focus on Surecell. Be home a little more. Sleep a little more,” he smirks.
The smile on Jared’s face spreads, as he read between the lines, and Jensen’s thankful that he gets it without having to share a full-on heart-to-heart. Jared leans in and kisses with enough push to make it mean something. As he pulls back, Jared playfully slaps at Jensen’s stomach. “Go be awesome.”
He cocks his head a little and grins. “Always am.”
“I’ll see you later tonight,” Jared says as he steps back for Jensen to grab the next waiting cab.
As he’s getting in, Jensen calls back, “It won’t be too late.”
Jared practically beams as he raises a hand to wave. “Alright.”
And Jensen beams, too, leaning back in the cab just barely caring that he’s going to be late for his meeting.
* * *
II. Cuddling
* * *
Jensen stares at the ceiling, wishing it to be full of sheep. Maybe a hundred or two that he can count, though, he’d like to think he wouldn’t get that high before finally succumbing to sleep. But all he sees is an expanse of cream, stretching corner to corner. He sighs quietly, bending a knee up and trying to fight against what’s second nature at the moment.
He feels foolish. There’s no reason to give in to the temptation. But he just needs rest, needs his eyes to fall shut and stay that way. It hasn’t happened in the hour or so he’s been in bed, and he doesn’t feel it happening any time soon.
Jensen curses himself for even having the idea. Jared has an early call time, and Jensen wants to sleep in. He’d told Jared he’d take to his own room so he wouldn’t be bothered by the alarm, but now he’s just bothered by the fact he’d even suggested it.
A count to ten, trying to will the idea away, doesn’t even help. Jensen rolls to his side, snatches his cell, and hits the most used speed dial.
“What’s wrong?” Jared asks, sleepy and low.
“Are you actually sleeping?”
“Right now? No, I’m not.”
“Me neither.”
There’s a pause and a couple slow, steady breaths before Jared responds, “I don’t know why you can’t sleep, but my problem is the fact that you’re calling me.”
Jensen smirks because Jared’s voice is only lined with annoyance. He knows there’s some humor in there, too. “Can’t get enough of your sexy voice,” he jokes.
“Dude, I’m up in three hours,” Jared whines, and then promptly hangs up.
He closes the phone and rests it at his chest, counting again to ten before dialing Jared again.
“Dick,” is the answering word.
Jensen takes a short breath. “Asshole, I can’t sleep.”
“Take an Ambien,” Jared says and hangs up again.
The phone goes back on his nightstand then he rolls to the side, feeling at least a little placated with a small connection to Jared. Jensen plunks his head into his pillow, tugs the comforter up high. Hoping that layers of fluffy cotton will settle him enough to sleep.
It doesn’t.
He goes so far as to cross his arms under the blanket, tucking into himself and internally grumbling through all the aggravation of not being able to sleep. But then he smirks when he hears heavy footsteps down the stairs then trailing into his room.
Jared drops his cell onto the nightstand before yanking the blankets up and sliding in behind Jensen. They meld together instantly, chest to back, legs slotting together. Jared’s arms circle Jensen, one around his waist and the other above his head while his nose dips into Jensen’s hair.
Jensen smiles, easily keeping his eyes closed. He shifts to thread fingers into each of Jared’s hands and relax against his body.
“My phone’s going off at three-thirty. I don’t wanna hear you cry about it,” Jared says against the back of Jensen’s head.
His fingers flex against Jared’s and his smile rides high on his face. This cuddling thing isn’t new, but the spread of warmth through his chest, burning just below his ribcage is. And he realizes that he doesn’t want to ever declare separation in the name of sleep. Because he really can’t get any without Jared in his space. “I love you, man,” Jensen says with humor, but he totally means it.
“You better,” Jared replies.
* * *
III. Give Life
* * *
Jensen isn’t sure how Jared does it, but whenever he wants to, on random days, without warning, he just appears in Jensen’s cubicle. He’ll just plop down in the guest chair of his cubicle and make proclamations, like “That Mongolian beef last night was better than a blow job.” Or “Niners won. I think my fantasy team is fucked.” It’s always amusing, and Jensen’s always a little jolted by Jared’s voice in his space, but he’s come to realize the guy’s not going to stop dropping in. Especially when they work in the same building, and Jared has great sympathy for the fact that Jensen still hates his co-workers and figures his little visits ease Jensen’s workplace stress.
This day, Jared’s once again charmed his way past the receptionist - who Jensen’s pretty sure has an unhealthy crush on them both, individually, or maybe together? He’s not sure - and across the office to Jensen’s cubicle. “They’re doing flu shots on the second floor.”
It’s taken him two months to build up immunity to Jared’s random pop-ins. He no longer has the urge to drop everything he’s doing and turn to the guy. He can actually function during his boyfriend’s visits when early on his nerves got the better of him. And this immunity is most helpful when he’s on a deadline, like now. Jensen just keeps typing at his computer, but does say, “’Morning Jensen. Boy, you look busy.’”
Jared stretches, legs filling most of the space between his chair and Jensen’s. He even taps the toe of his shoe at one of the wheels, partly out of boredom and mostly for attention. “Morning Jensen,” he mocks. “Boy, you’re hot in that shirt. Look good in blue. Have I told you that?”
Jensen shakes his head but then he smiles to his screen. Mostly because of Jared, because the guy’s pretty hot himself, and Jensen likes hearing that Jared finds him attractive.
“What’re you doing? Wanna go at lunch?”
“Go where?” Jensen asks with approximately 90 perfect of his attention on his screen. The other ten is still focusing on Jared saying he’s hot.
“Flu shots.”
He finally pushes himself away and spins in his chair. He smirks, leaning back in the seat and crossing his arms. “Funny, I thought you were going to talk about eating lunch at lunch.”
Jared’s feet move to trap one of Jensen’s. “We can eat after. They might have snacks.”
Jensen’s eyes narrow as his foot wiggles against Jared’s. “They will not.”
“You going or no?”
“No,” he answers quickly and shifts to go back to his screen, but Jared’s feet are still keeping his left right foot in place.
“Why not?”
Jensen shrugs and just watches Jared, silently thinking about how adorable the guy is, even when he’s trying to convince Jensen to willingly get stabbed.
Jared’s hands go out and he says easily, “Here’s the thing … flu shots will block like 90% of the germs in the air.”
“Great. You get one, and then I won’t get sick off of you.”
“But you’ll get sick off other people,” he points out with an amused voice. “And then you might have that one bug that goes into the 10% and I’ll still get sick. I don’t really care to add mucus to our makeouts.”
“Well, I don’t really care much for flu shots.”
Jared chuckles. “Dude, you really gotta ease on up on the shot problem.”
Jensen makes an effort to extract his foot and he turns back to his desk. “Right. The needle is perfectly harmless.”
He rises and eases himself onto the bit of desk space that’s actually empty. His feet swing, kicking the underside of Jensen’s chair - this time most definitely for attention. “What’d the needle ever do to you?” When he sees Jensen’s fingers pause on the keyboard, he glances up at the screen then scoots further back on the desk to get comfortable. “What’re you doing?”
“Finishing up my TPS report.”
Jared snorts. “What is this place? Initech?”
“Technical Product Specs,” Jensen says slowly as he leans his head back to rest at the top of his chair. He looks up to Jared. “What do you want?”
The voice had been annoyed but Jared can’t ignore the smile on Jensen’s face while he said it, so Jared smiles right back. “You don’t wanna grab a flu shot for lunch?” he asks, while poking a finger into Jensen’s bicep. “Building’s offering them on a discount.”
The flinch is obvious and Jensen tries to cover a groan. “I’m game for lunch.”
Jared stands, feeling victorious. “Meet on two?”
“Uh, I’ll meet you in the lobby.”
“No shot?” Jensen shakes his head and Jared leans back on the desk again. Though his voice is a little quieter. “You really don’t want the shot?”
Jensen snorts. “I’d prefer to not be poked in the arm by a metal rod, thank you very much.”
He pinches at Jensen’s bicep. “You afraid of a widdle needle.”
Another flinch, and Jensen’s nearly scowling. “Those things are not little. Need I remind you of donating blood?”
“Yeah, and you met me. Awesome, right?”
Jensen crosses his arms and leans further back in his chair. “Oh, so if I go get stabbed in the arm again, I might meet a hot guy who’ll proposition me in the parking lot?”
“Dude,” Jared protests, but he’s smirking the whole time.
“Why didn’t you say so? I’ll go right now.”
“Man, you get sick, I am not nursing your ass.”
“No soup?” Jensen fake pouts
Jared crosses his arms. “I won’t even buy you cough drops.”
*
Jensen spent two months developing immunity to Jared’s random cubicle pop-ins, but he hasn’t learned how to resist his badgering. So when they sit in a conference room on the second floor, Jensen’s cursing Jared’s name over and over in his head. Then Jared’s hand slips into his and squeezes with a soft smile.
Jensen tries to return it and lamely says, “Don’t even have juice.”
“I’ll steal you some from the day care.”
“My hero,” Jensen smarts back.
But he’s really just focusing on Jared’s eyes holding his own ...
“Son of a bitch!” Jensen winces with the sharp prick in his muscle.
Jared pets at Jensen’s head and smiles with a bit of humor in his voice. “That’s it, baby. Take it like a man.”
* * *
IV. Smut for Smut’s Sake
* * *
Jensen hears the words in his head nearly every time he sees Jared’s face. Wanna keep you here. He hears the heavy want and thick desperation that had coated them, and they strike him so hard with truth. He knows that Jared wants more from Jensen and this thing between them than Jensen wants to admit to himself. It’s obvious with the careful touches and long stares, sex that’s less frantic with more talking than Jensen ever initiates.
But it strikes him when he wakes to an empty bed. Jensen stretches, almost surprised at missing the feel of smooth cotton right against his body and he spots the sleep pants covering his lower half. It’s then that he remembers coming in late, so late, from filming, and they both had just enough energy to change and collapse into bed together.
Jensen kind of wishes that he’d woken to Jared, his reaction to their short night and the potential for the morning. And then he realizes that he just really wants to see Jared’s face. Wants to see his reaction to them spending the night together and not doing anything. Jared’s reaction of what it means to him.
He finds Jared in the bathroom, fresh from the shower with just cotton pants, combing through his damp hair and giving a small smile as Jensen slides onto the bathroom counter, hands down on the surface, back hunched forward. He just watches for a few moments before murmuring, “Mornin’.”
“You, too,” Jared smirks as he smoothes lotion across his shoulders, down his chest.
Jensen’s pretty sure Jared’s not trying to be obscene. The guy’s head is tucked down as he watches that he covers his skin. He’s not leering or going slow or anything, but Jensen’s still feeling it stir in his stomach and tingle down his arms, all the way into his fingers. They tap quickly on the counter.
“You can just jump right into the shower,” Jared says easily as he wipes his hands on a towel. His mouth quirks. “Or are you waiting on me to make some coffee?”
He smirks in return. “Hey, c’mere,” he says easily as he taps his foot against Jared’s knee.
“What?” Jared swipes a hand down his chest and as he looks down. “I miss a spot?”
When Jensen’s hands land at his hips, Jared gets it and immediately settles between Jensen’s spread legs. Jensen leans up and kisses, slow and easy. His mouth spreads Jared’s open and the tongue spills in, twirling around Jared’s.
It goes on, much longer than normal, as Jensen usually starts groping or pressing in tight, showing Jared what he really wants. But right now, he just stays there on the counter, holds Jared in place, keeps his mouth working with Jared’s. The only real change is Jared’s hands framing his face, fingers splayed across either side of his jaw and holding gently while they go on.
Jensen hears the words again, the ones from a week ago when Jared came to him in his room and made sex feel like something more than just burning really good energy. Wanna keep you here. As they kiss, he imagines how they had formed off Jared’s tongue. He relives that night, when Jared all but begged for confirmation that this was real.
Jared pulls back to catch his breath but rests his forehead to Jensen’s while his hands skate down to Jensen’s neck, still touching softly.
Jensen tips up to talk at Jared’s mouth as he murmurs, “Hey, J?”
“Yeah?” he asks quietly.
The words freeze in his throat, so he just moves closer with a sucking kiss, almost more for reassurance, a reminder, that Jared really does want this. Because he knows Jared does, and now he does, too, but it’s hard to say it aloud. To admit that this isn’t just screwing around. That he really wants what life could be like if this thing becomes Jensen and Jared. His hands coast up and down Jared’s sides, feeling the smooth warmth of his skin and then he inhales sharply. “J.”
Jared is again quiet, but there’s a smile in his voice. “Yeah?”
The words are triggered to repeat in his mind. Wanna keep you here.
“You okay, man?” Jared asks.
Wanna keep you here. Jensen leans up to kiss once more and finally opens his eyes and takes in Jared’s face. “I’m gonna stay here, alright?” he says a little lamely.
Jared eyes him and he smirks with confusion. “I’m not kicking you out.”
He smiles at Jared’s misunderstanding, and tries to explain instead, “Last night, this morning, I don’t care that nothing happened. Just want to be here.” With you Jensen says to himself, but Jared seems to hear it anyway.
As Jared’s smile firms a bit, his hands slip back up to Jensen’s jaw. “You really want to?”
With a nod Jensen moves up to Jared’s kiss while his hands squeeze Jared’s hips. In between kisses, Jensen murmurs, “You know … the sex … better not drop … still expect … good shit from you.”
Jared leans forward while he ramps up the kiss, making it messy and a bit forceful. “It’s gonna get better,” he promises while slipping a hand into the front of Jensen’s pants.
Jensen pushes back as well as he can while staying on the counter. His hand goes around Jared’s back and down into his pants, a finger pressing its way down his crack and circling his hole.
“Oh, fuck,” Jared mumbles into his mouth and then stutters his hand sliding up and down Jensen’s cock. As the finger dips into his ass, he straightens a little then tugs on Jensen’s waistband, bringing it down his hips enough that his dick is free and easier for Jared to jerk.
There are then two fingers jutting in and out quickly and Jared’s breathing is loud and his body’s moving with the pressure while Jensen does his best to keep kissing him. But it doesn’t work well with how each are more focused on the pleasure rippling through their bodies, and with how Jensen tries to move up into Jared’s hand. He pushes his forehead against Jared’s cheek as they both keep going. His fingers keep sliding in and out and Jared keeps jerking his hand, amping Jensen right up.
Jensen mumbles, “You know, I didn’t say that just to make you do this.”
“I’m sure you did,” Jared smirks.
He huffs with a smile, “Would never.”
“Are you complaining?” Jared smirks back.
“Hmm,” he sounds as tingles spike across his skin and he’s feeling it come too soon.
“You saying you don’t care … this morning.” Jared’s breathing gets a little loud as his movements stutter. “That nothing … And, uh, you don’t want to not do that … on occasion?”
“Not a bit.” Jensen moves to press a kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth, recognizing how easy Jared suddenly seems. It’s never been like this when they’ve messed around. He’s either quiet and giving in to Jensen, or oddly emotional about it, like he’s too nervous to just be himself when they’re like this. But here, the smiles and the humor hit Jensen somewhere else, burrowing deep in his chest. “Oh, fuck,” he groans as his hips start moving, jittery and uncoordinated.
“Think it’s a little too late for that,” Jared says against his mouth. And then he’s cursing his own, “Oh, fuck,” when Jensen takes his hand away, followed by a withered “Fuck,” as Jensen curls his fingers around his dick and strokes quickly.
“You remember.” Jensen starts on heavy breaths. “That first night. Drunk. The couch.”
“Just like this,” Jared smiles against his mouth and moving into Jensen’s hand as quickly as his own hand is stroking Jensen.
Jensen stutters again and moans into Jared’s mouth as he feels everything spread over his skin, beneath it, coursing his veins, and then he comes right over Jared’s hand.
Jared looks down, watches Jensen sputter across his fingers and on both their stomachs, lines of pearly white drawing random patterns. “Oh, God, Jen,” he moans at the sight. And even more so when Jensen’s hand wipes over Jared’s skin, gathering up his come then goes back to stroking Jared. The warm wetness sets Jared off and he’s coming seconds later, pushing his head against Jensen’s as he comes between them.
“Hey,” Jensen murmurs, tipping his head up to Jared’s. They kiss with lazy, useless tongues. He says at Jared’s lips, “It was nothing like this.”
* * *
V. Pretending
* * *
When Jensen really thought about it, he could pinpoint little moments when the wall crumbled inch by inch. Like the fact that Jensen adored Sandy, but when she and Jared broke up, there was an odd corner of Jensen’s heart that warmed. Or the zillion times Jared slung a hand around Jensen’s neck and pulled him in close for a sideways hug and Jensen only half-heartedly fought it. Or every morning when Jared came up from a run, sweaty and tan and shirtless, and not even aware the body he’d built did things to Jensen’s stomach.
Jensen kinda, sorta, maybe, possibly loved Jared.
There was no way around any of those things - They spent a good 15 hours a day together at work, and there were so many times Jared yanked Jensen around to wrestle or hug. And living together forced a half-naked Jared to be present far too often.
Jensen loved his job. He loved acting and he loved the crew and the storylines and he really loved Dean Winchester like a best friend or brother. He wasn’t going to abandon Supernatural. So maybe a new living situation was in order because seeing Jared so much, and feeling the way he did, was getting to be a bit to handle.
Instead, he tried ever so casually, “Was thinking. It’s been two years. Maybe I should move out?”
Jared barely looked up from his latest ESPN Magazine. “I ain’t moving any boxes.”
Jensen frowned, not expecting that to be Jared’s response.
*
A few days later on set, he tried, again casual, “Think it’s been long enough, yeah? Maybe I should get my own space. Stop living in your gaseous shadow.”
“It don’t cause cancer,” Jared smirked.
“I don’t know, man. You’re pretty rank.”
“It’s like flowers.”
“It’s like you vomited sour milk then took a shit on it.”
Jared chuckled then held a crooked smirk, and Jensen had no response to that.
*
When Jensen finally started bringing boxes home, Jared gave him a lot of questioning glances. But when Jensen asked what was up, he’d just smarted off, “Don’t forget to forward your Cosmopolitan.”
“Why don’t you go jerk off to Real Simple?” Jensen shot back with a smile.
“That’s shit’s beautiful, dude.”
*
Jensen thought they were maybe getting to the real point of conversation when Jared was haughty over video games and finally asked Jensen, “Why you doing this?”
Except, Jensen couldn’t feasibly answer without muttering how he was falling for the guy and it didn’t make sense to subject himself to the torture of a gladiator body without jacking off every twenty minutes.
But then Jared got even testier about it and just ragged on him about leaving and how good it was going to be. “I’m gonna be fucking excited when you’re gone,” he’d said while practically storming out of Jensen’s bedroom. And Jensen was lost with how to really deal with that.
And when Jared’d asked if Jensen was leaving the bed so he could still crash there, Jensen hoped Jared would take it a step further and insist that he stay with it. Because he hadn’t. Not once since Jensen first brought it up, and that was killing him more than anything. Jared didn’t even try to argue that they were cool and friends and he should stay because he wanted Jensen to live there. Far beyond his ever-growing feelings for Jared, Jensen felt burned as a friend that Jared wasn’t asking him to stay.
Instead, he just taunted him about leaving and how he was ruining Jared’s reputation as a roommate. Jensen felt pretty shitty overall and barely slept.
*
The day of the move, they both were a little strange. Jensen still didn’t like that he actually followed through with this whole ridiculous plan. On top of that, he was still pissed at Jared for not trying to fight for him to stay. He’d asked plenty of times why Jensen was moving, but didn’t even bother once to say Don’t.
Until he finally did. He finally asked “Will you not leave?”
God, yes, Jensen wanted to answer, but he just played it cool. Even patted himself on the back that he said Maybe a little to Jared’s joke that Jensen was in love with him. Even when he wanted to say maybe a lot.
After a few glasses of wine, sitting on the back porch while watching the dogs chase tennis balls that Jared kept launching after they’d return them, Jensen felt a weird moment pass. Jared gave him a tiny smile. So tiny, it felt secret, even when there was no one around to hide it from.
“You’re fucking beaming,” Jensen said on a chuckle. “Happier than a pig in shit that I’m back.”
“Who’m I gonna fart on if you’re not here?”
“Fuck. You’re a child.”
“Makes you a pedophile.”
Jensen looked at Jared, spotting that smile again. He looked up to the sky, felt the wine hitting his brain, and lamely said, “I was maybe leaving because I kinda, sorta feel more than friends.” He could still see Jared, see how he was busy scratching at Harley’s side and staying quiet.
Until he said quietly but kind of easy, “Yeah, I know.”
“I’m not gonna … I won’t do … ” Jensen sighed.
“Hey, it’s cool.”
“I’m not gonna jump your ass in bed or anything.”
“So I don’t need that chastity belt?”
Jensen smirked at Jared, glad he was joking and not so affected by the confession.
“I maybe asked you to stay for the same reason.”
He looked over for that. Staring while Jared patted down Harley’s flank and gave random quick glances with that small smile. “Well, that’s interesting.”
Jared nodded while watching Harley slide down to the ground and pant in appreciation to the attention.
“You’re totally in love with me,” Jensen smirked at the edge of his wine glass.
He chuckled. “A little.”
“A lot.”
“Hmm.”
As Jensen headed back inside for more wine, he nearly sing-songed, finally feeling like the less pathetic person. “You were scared I’d leave.”
Jared grabbed Jensen’s wrist, pulling him back and looking up into his face. His smile was smaller than before, like he was on the verge of frowning. “Would you have really left, if I didn’t ask?”
Jensen shrugged then leaned against the side of Jared’s chair. “Don’t have to find out.”
“Nah, we don’t,” Jared smirked and pulled Jensen down and kissed him.