Tell the Ones That Need to Know 5/5

[dugindeep]

Three words that became hard to say

He wakes to a shout. Not his own, but a loud, high-pitched scream. It’s all fuzzy, and he can barely make anything out, muffled in his ears and foggy in his mind.

Jared!

His eyes clench tight, he’s not sure what’s going on. It’s dark, and he’s confined and can’t work his way up for fresh air.

Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaared!

He pushes his hands out, restricted and huddled in his own cocoon and he wishes he could move.

Mama says to wake your ass up!

I did not say … Megan, go up there and wake him up. Christ, child.

Jared blinks, repeatedly and quickly, until he can realize it’s the covers wrapped tight around him, all over him, that are keeping him from getting up. Kicking and punching at the blankets give him reprieve until he can tug them away and see Megan in the doorway, hand on her hip and shaking her head with a scowl. “You gonna get up? Mama says we can’t eat until we’re all eating. Get up.”

He watches her turn, not waiting for a response, and then hears her stomping down the stairs. He looks around the room, finds it in the same state it was when he went to bed the night before. No evidence of Jim Beaver or Mark Pellegrino, no trailing sense of Chad ever being in the house, or that he’d barely slept because he was off seeing so many other things.

When he gets to the kitchen, Sherry’s flipping pancakes, minding a pan of bacon, handing a platter to Gerry so he can plate some eggs. This looks and feels so perfect, like every other Christmas morning they’ve shared. Sherry’s traditional Christmas breakfast with every fixin’ available, including biscuits and gravy, sausage, toast, not to mention fresh squeezed orange juice and brewed coffee. It all smells wonderful and tempting and he wants to grab a slice of sizzling bacon right out of the pan, wants to guzzle down the pulpy juice, just wants to take it all in and keep it because this is Christmas morning, and considering all he had to witness overnight, all he was forced to see, this is bright and warm and cozy. The exact opposite of all he had to experience.

He leans into Sherry, partly to watch the pancakes brown, but also to say softly, and a bit happily, “Merry Christmas, Mama,” and kiss her cheek.

“Merry Chris - ” she starts as she tilts her head to smile at him, but then she stalls. Eyes roaming his face, catching his light smile and feeling his hand gently rubbing between her shoulders. Her smile solidifies and she nods. “Merry Christmas, JT.”

“Hey, Dad,” he says with a smile as he pats Jerry’s back and receives a Mornin’ in return.

He finds Megan in the dining room, setting the table with red placemats, perfect white dishes, and green napkins, like every other year before. He moves behind her, hand squeezing her shoulder. “Merry Christmas, Meg.”

Her tone is lighter than it was when she woke him, but he can still hear a bit of tension in it. “Merry Christmas, Jared.”

His mind flashes to that Christmas Future vision, to her grown up, happy, a mother. To her having such issue with him, such disappointment, and he never wants to see her look so troubled again. He squeezes both her shoulders, kisses the top of her head, and talks against her hair. “I’m sorry, Meggie. I’m gonna be better.”

Megan freezes in his arms, stalling her hand above the plate and swallowing loudly. “Sorry for what?”

Jared wraps his arms around her shoulders, pulling her in tight. “For everything,” he says against her head. “I’ve been a jerk.”

“Been an asshole,” she says quietly.

He chuckles and hugs her tighter. “Okay, I’ve been an asshole. And I’m sorry for being an asshole. I’m gonna do better by you.”

So slowly, her hand comes up, holds his wrist and squeezes. “What brought this on?”

“Christmas miracle,” he smiles into her hair and then releases her, moving around to help her finish.

Megan watches him critically through their chore, and through most of breakfast as Jared’s smiling. It’s not as broad or as bright as it used to be, but it’s such a grave difference from the night before, from the past few years, that it’s hard to ignore. Sherry minds him every once in a while, eyes catching his and searching, like she’s waiting for him to drop back, or trying to read his mind, find what changed him overnight. Each time, he just smiles back and continues eating, continues listening to the family banter.

As they clean up, passing in and out of the room, Jared takes a few seconds on each trip to admire the Christmas cards pinned up and down the doorways. Ones he so swiftly ignored the night before and used to be a source of long bouts of reading. He always liked seeing who he knew from the cards, see pictures of dogs and kids and family vacations, catch the yearly letters that let family and friends know how families had survived the year.

There’s a familiar script, one that he can’t ignore and reads repeatedly.

Thinking of you both as always.
Wish you the best and hope for another happy, healthy year.

Sending love for Jared, Meg, and Jeff and his family.

Jensen

Jared stalls, breathing is his only movement. Until his finger slides away to release the top of the card, to cover up the writing. But then he flips it up again, reads again, and again, and again. He tugs it from the wall and holds it in his hand, thinking of Jensen holding it, the pen in his hand as he thought of the message. He didn’t just sign his name, didn’t give a random Happy Holidays folks! Jensen wrote words and thoughts and names, singled out the family, made a point to address the moment to Sherry and Jerry. Jared’s not even sure when he last sent Jensen a Christmas card. He imagines his assistant might take care of them, randomly signing his name, no message, blindly sending them out based on a list. But here, this is personal, it’s Jensen.

And no matter how hard he tries to ignore it, push everything he saw to the back of his mind, he can’t deny his feelings at every scene. Can’t pretend they weren’t real, because his reactions were real and account for so much of the bitterness that’s been coursing through his veins these last few years.

“Jared?” Sherry asks oddly as she nears him. “Gonna take the plates in?”

He reaches for the envelope tacked up where the card was, as his mother always does, keeping everything in one place. He sees the Richardson address, and he realizes that Jensen’s home. He’s not close by any means, but he’s not in L.A., and he’s not far across the globe on some random jaunt. Jared saw Jensen at home, with his parents, for Christmas present. He’s in Texas.

He has to see Jensen.

The plates drop from Jared’s hands as it hits him. Sherry shrieks in surprise, and he jumps a few steps away, comes back to look down on them and apologize profusely, nearly reaching for the plates, but he can’t, he has to leave. Has to run … run to Jensen.

“Jared!” Sherry calls out as he escapes the room. “JT!”

His head pops back into view as he pulls a hooded sweatshirt on and pushes feet into sneakers. “I’m so sorry. Mama, I gotta leave.”

“Where are you going?”

“I gotta … I have to,” he huffs out while Megan and Jeff and Sherry watch in absolute confusion. One quick breath and then he smiles deliriously. “I have to see Jensen.”

“Jensen? What?” Sherry asks as she’s bending down and picking up the shattered remnants from Christmas breakfast, but it’s Megan’s response that jazzes him up.

She beams and claps excitedly. “Oh, my God, yes!”

“Yeah,” he grins right back.

“Shit, yes! I have to call Mackenzie,” Megan exclaims as she turns from the room.

“Wait! No!” he shouts. “No, don’t, I don’t want him to know … wait, maybe?” he asks with an awkward shrug. “I don’t know. You think he’d leave if he knows I’m coming? Would he tell her to tell you to tell me that I shouldn’t bother?”

Megan laughs, and Sherry’s hardly bothering to do anything but roll her eyes at the rush of his worry while she cleans up the mess he’s leaving behind. Jared watches them, anxious for suggestions, but they have none. Jeff, however, scoffs with a wave of his hand as he heads back into the kitchen. “God, Jared, just go already.”

“Okay, okay,” he chants as he leaves the room, only to pop back into view. “I don’t know if I’ll be home for dinner.”

“Go!” Megan yells anxiously.

“Yeah, right.” Then he’s back again, taking a steady breath and smiling so brightly he knows he’s ridiculous but he can’t stop it. “Merry Christmas, everyone.”

Jeff’s back and bent over the mess with his mother, warning, “You pull out Tiny Tim and I will kick your ass out the door.”

“Jeff,” Sherry says firmly and then looks up to Jared. “JT, just go, honey.”

The rental hauls him straight up 35, humming along to the speed of tires on pavement, turning a four-and-half-hour drive into one that’s just over three and a half. It’s mid afternoon when he reaches the house, and he’s had so many scenarios course his brain, all too many possibilities to obsess over and he hasn’t settled on any single one that could make sense, or even how to start this conversation. But he’s here, on the porch, in front of the door, and just seconds from knocking.

His fists tighten, pulsing and tensing fingers, and he can’t do this. But he has to. He can’t not do this. He’s here, after living through the past, present, and future, and he needs to create his own life now. With Jensen.

Jared knocks then breathes so incredibly deep, feels it burn in his lungs, feels the turn of his stomach until the door finally opens and there stands Mackenzie. She eyes him, head to toe, and once more yet slower before she gives him a tiny smirk. “Hey,” he says awkwardly with a short wave. He’s met her, and the rest of the Ackleses, plenty of times, but it’s been so long, and they weren’t quite like a second family, just a welcoming group. He suddenly wonders if his presence is as welcome as he had anticipated.

“What’d you do? Wake up and drive straight from L.A.?” she asks with that same quirk of her mouth.

“San Antonio.”

Her eyes widen. “You drove all the way from San Antonio? I was just kiddin’.”

“I mean, I ate breakfast first. But yeah, I came from … ” And then he stops the conversation because this isn’t what he came here for. He has an agenda, and banter with Mackenzie is not on it. “Is he here? Jensen here?”

She watches Jared for a few long seconds, smiling carefully and nodding. “Yeah, he is.” Her head snakes around the door and she’s not talking all too loud, which tells Jared that Jensen’s right there. “Come here, yeah?” she says, moving from the door but smiling all the same.

Jared steps up to the screen, and then takes a quick step back when Jensen appears.

They stare for long moments, long quiet, stilted moments. Jared’s trying to smile, but Jensen’s not. He’s just looking right back, eyes going all around Jared’s face, over his shoulders, down to his toes and back again. “What’re you,” Jensen finally says, pausing with confusion. “What’re you doing here?”

He manages a meek smile as he steps closer to the screen. “I came to see you.”

Jensen looks beyond Jared to the SUV in the drive, looks around the porch and settles on Jared. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s …” Jared thinks for a second then honestly says, “No, nothing’s okay.”

Jensen moves to the screen, looking panicked. “What’s wrong? Your parents okay?”

“Yeah, no,” he waves off, moving closer. “They’re fine. It’s … it’s not the family. They’re all okay. It’s … It’s me,” Jared rambles with a hand at his stomach, trying to calm himself.

Jensen tilts his head and he looks away. When he looks back, there’s something clouding his eyes, something forcing his mouth open to ask with trouble, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Jared shakes his head, tries to get himself into the moment, find the best way to say what needs to be said. Nothing makes sense right here, for Jensen’s presence, his worry, is affecting this much more than Jared had imagined could be possible.

Jensen leans closer to the screen. “J? What’s wrong?”

It’s been years since he’s heard J. Far too many years since he’s heard Jensen say it.

And right there, he decides to just go for it, return to the rambly mess he was for so long, the one who couldn’t keep his trap shut or figure out the most politically correct thing to say in public, who didn’t say things like the perfect script and instead just poured emotion through every word he said. His eyes fall from Jensen’s face and instead watch his own hand rise to the screen, fingertips pressing into the crisscross pattern as he finally lets it go.

“Years ago, you tried to tell me something, and I said no chick flick moments.”

A quick glance up and Jensen’s watching intently, eyes bright and keeping with Jared’s.

“I don’t have any way to do this but chick flick, alright? So you can’t hassle me too hard.”

“I don’t …” he trails off, shaking his head.

“Just promise you won’t put this in a lock box to mock me for the rest of our lives.”

Jensen’s mouth quirks for a second but then he’s back to looking confused. “Alright, I promise.”

“I don’t even know the realities of it, but I had some crazy ass dreams last night and through them I realized way too many things about us” Jared’s palm flattens at the screen, pushes a bit, like he’s trying to touch Jensen. Even while he can’t, he welcomes the barrier, he feels comforted by something blocking them, allowing him to spill everything. “We were really great together. You were my best friend. The best person I’ve ever met and had in my life. And I fucked that up. I stopped calling. I expected you to pick up the slack, but you didn’t. I know you were just protecting yourself. And now, we’re both miserable. And it’s only gonna get worse.”

Jared takes a deep breath, tries to ignore the fact that Jensen’s expression hasn’t changed one bit, and hopes that Jensen’s just keeping it all in until he’s done, like he isn’t still confused by Jared’s proclamation, like Jared’s not wrong about this.

He goes on with a strong shake of his head and a big push in his voice. “I don’t want to grow any older and be more bitter and pathetic. I want you back. Want you in my life again. I need you in my life. With me.”

His eyes are wider now, and he’s still for far too many seconds for Jared’s liking.

Jared panics, stomach rolling, fingers and toes trembling. He feels the daggers of regret stabbing again, like he should’ve known better than to just show up here, expect Jensen to take his apology, his ramblings, after so many years of silence between them.

Until Jensen’s hand is fumbling at the door handle, slowly pushing it open, and he’s stumbling over the doorjamb, out onto the porch. “Jared,” he practically whispers. “Are you kidding me?”

There was a time when Jensen saying that was out of complaint, anger, and Jared’s only known that from him. Here, he’s a little worried, a bit hesitant to reply, because Jensen’s voice is unsteady. But Jared’s nerves win out and he’s back to rambling. “I’m not. I’m really not. And I …. I want you. Like, I want you in my life. I want to see you every day, and I need that. But I can take something else. I can deal if you’re not, if you’re not still in love with me. It’s fine. Really. I just want to know you again.”

Jensen’s eyebrows go high and he’s staring intently to Jared’s eyes. “If I’m not still in love with you?”

Jared nods, moving past the worry of the slip, and just going on. “You are, aren’t you?”

He shakes his head, gives a funny chuckle, and looks down to the porch. Then he’s looking up with an odd smile, “You’re wearing your pajamas?”

Jared looks down at himself, feels pathetic, but Jensen’s smiling at him, not throwing him into his car to head back to San Antonio, so this might be just fine. Whether he gets Jensen how he wants him, he has Jensen right now, willing to work something out. “Yeah,” he chuckles. “I ran right out of my mama’s house.”

“Christmas breakfast,” Jensen nods with a smile.

Jared nods right back. “Yeah, and crashed some plates when I decided to come here.”

Jensen’s face stills and he’s shaking his head, taking a deep breath. His hand moves between them, stalls, and then goes higher, tugging at the edge of the pouch on Jared’s hooded sweatshirt. Even with the gesture, his eyebrows knit together and his mouth screws shut, and he’s confused as he looks up to Jared. “You knew I was in love with you this whole time?”

There’s a burst of heat in Jared’s chest, pushing down to his toes, pushing up and out his mouth with a short, happy chuckle. He takes a step forward, shaking his head down to Jensen. “No, I didn’t. It just suddenly made sense.”

“But … how?” he asks, awkward and not even forming the complete question.

Jared chuckles and shakes his head again. “You’ll think I’m crazy.”

“Yeah,” Jensen says, unconvinced.

But Jared’s not going to explain any further. He closes the space between them and softly smiles. “I’ll explain it later. But right now, I’m gonna kiss you. That okay?”

Jensen snorts, both hands holding the sweatshirt, fingers curling into the front pocket. He doesn’t say anything, just lifts his chin, goes to Jared’s mouth as Jared’s hands come up to hold his face, carefully, slowly, moving across his cheeks with fingers skating over his ears and then his hair. It’s a soft press of lips, gentle push to widen as Jared’s tongue slips through, licks Jensen’s, mouths opening wider to get more. Jensen tugs on the pocket to bring Jared closer, and then they’re chest to chest, arms winding around to get tighter while the kiss continues on, gets heady, but not too much, because this is an emotional exploration for Jared, and he just wants to be here, doesn’t want to push too much, wants to take what he can have right here.

And it’s Jensen, moving with him, kissing him right back, sharing the same breath and space and momentum of this thing they’re creating.

When they stop, when they pull back, Jared rests his forehead to Jensen’s, closes his eyes and breathes deep. His hands hold Jensen’s face again, and he dips down for another gentle kiss then says, “This is like the best payoff for cross country driving.”

Jensen chuckles, moving on to a laugh, and Jared can’t help the smile he gets just seeing it, hearing it. Jensen laughing and smiling before him. “Your mama’s gonna kick your ass for skippin’ Christmas.”

“Yeah. But Megan’s pretty happy.”

Jensen moves back with a smirk and looks at the house for a second. Then beyond Jared and he groans, dropping his head to Jared’s shoulder. “Looks like both girls won the lottery.”

Jared looks over his shoulder to Mackenzie not-so-subtly watching them in the window. She gives a short wave and smile then moves away, curtain swinging in her wake. He remembers Christmas present, of Jensen and Mackenzie on the porch, telling Jensen to never settle, that he should try to talk to Jared. In a roundabout way, Jared knows he owes Mackenzie for this moment, for convincing him it was right. “Hey,” he smiles, pressing back into Jensen’s temple. “She just cares.”

“Little too much sometimes,” Jensen grumbles, but he’s smiling back, too.

Jared nudges again. “Don’t mess with her. She’s done a good job as a sister.”

Jensen eyes him, mouth twitching around a closed smile, and Jared knows that’s the look he gets when he wants to ask more, but won’t. Instead, Jensen takes a deep breath and steps back. “You wanna come inside?”

He bites his bottom lip and chances a quick look at the door, and then he’s biting into a grin. “Yeah, I do.” Jensen nods, smiling strong and sure as he turns to the door, hand firm with one of Jared’s. But then Jared tugs him back and takes a deep breath. “Just … before we go in.”

“What?”

Jared takes a smooth breath, easing his heart from pounding too hard, and then he softly says, “I love you.”

One corner of Jensen’s mouth tips up high and his eyes flip between Jared’s. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nods confidently.

Jensen nods, still trying to keep his smile inside, but failing. Which makes Jared smile wider, and, in turn, makes Jensen finally break open with a full grin. “Awesome,” he nods on a loud exhale.

As Jensen turns to the house again, Jared’s head tilts and he pulls on Jensen’s hand. “Wait, a minute.”

“What?”

His head tilts further and he eyes Jensen. “I say I love you, and you say awesome.”

A few seconds pass as Jensen thinks it over, and then he’s smirking and moving back to the door. “Yeah, I did. Come on. I’m starvin’.”

Jared keeps arguing, but allows Jensen drag him inside. “No, c’mon, man. I drove four and a half hours to get here. To tell you I love you and you say awesome.”

Jensen is disbelieving when he says, “Oh, there is no way you took the full four and a half. You don’t ever drive the limit.”

“Fine. It was three and a half. But still.”

Jensen turns on him, stops him in the foyer and raises one single eyebrow. It’s startling, but it’s also all too familiar. Jensen looking nonplussed, so long-suffering when dealing with Jared, but there’s a tiny smile lurking just below the surface. One Jared always saw, but he never knew the reason for its existence.

Now … he does. It’s because Jensen loves him, and no matter how many times he’s had to deal with Jared’s antics, he’s loved dealing with Jared. Period.

“Fine,” Jensen sighs, still trying to hide that smile, but now that Jared knows about it, it’s all too obvious. “We’ll try this again. Say it.”

Jared watches Jensen, takes it all in. The curl of his lips, the shine of his eyes, the smooth turn of his cheeks. He waits a few moments to preserve the moment and finally says, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he says easily, quickly, and goes on, “See? Not a big deal. You’re complaining over nothing.”

As Jensen moves away, Jared laughs, pulling him back in. “I hate you. So much.”

“My line,” Jensen smirks just before Jared kisses him. Between presses of lips and teasing tongues, Jensen murmurs, “Love you.”

“Thank you,” Jared says with a smile against Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen grumbles just so, the way he always did with Jared, like he can’t believe he has to deal with him. “Happy now?”

“Yes,” and Jared beams.

_