The Importance of Pain...
It's amazing what personal revelations hit you...
Growing up was tough as a teenager - there were times that, as the months passed, I wished for the times of childhood where my decisions for the day were based on what toys to play with, what TV show to watch, or how stubborn I was going to be about finishing the school my mother set me. Life paced onwards, however, and with experience and time came pain, and often-times, with pain, come loneliness and depression. There were times when my mother seemed hopelessly ill (back surgeries, cancer, various and sundry rare medical conditions) that I curled on my bed, in tears, just praying and wishing someone - anyone - could just hold me and let me cry. But I had to be strong for my family (I thought) so I would hide my pain, and wonder why it seemed God never answered those prayers.
But then I met my husband, a far-from perfect man (as I am far from perfect myself) who complements me perfectly. Suddenly I realized that God had answered my prayer in such a special way, as if he were storing up a precious treasure that would balance all the loneliness and pain of my teens. It is nice to have a physical presence who can comfort me on occassion, but that was far from the only reason God brought the two of us togehter. The last 10 months have been a study on blending our lives but maintaining sanity, and we've succeeded and flopped in various ways, learning all the way. Because of my hubby's influence and passion, I stuck around in youth ministry while we were dating - and after our marriage we were flung full-steam into a whirlwind of events, planning, organizing, talking, leading... and at times even standing firm when faced with horrible criticisms by 1 or 2 people with the gift of Discouragement. I succeeded in some things, failed miserably in others, but through those growing pains, too, I could feel God whispering his promises and encouragement. And then, last night...
For the summer we have combined our various small groups. We didn't want to lose momentum, and I was eager for the move - as I've been mentoring our lone dedicated high school girl in addition to the jr. High Small group.
I try to check in on the kids' myspaces, say hi, leave notes. Yesterday I noticed our High Schooler had made some drastic changes to her usually gung-ho website. Normally early for all our events, she was almost an hour late - exhausted from finals, going on limited sleep, hurting from a friend's actions and words. Usually, before, I've given her a hug and initiated conversations that then eventually grew deeper as she opened up. Tonight, after small group, she pulled me aside and started sharing. When too many other kids were around, and she started to get upset (trying to be brave, and tough, and not cry) we went outside.
For the first time, sitting and praying with her on our back porch, letting her just release some of that emotion -- and closing her in a big hug -- it made all those moments of my own worthwhile. It made me realize that those experiences of mine have influenced my own passions for youth ministry, have directed me to look for those needs in the girls I'm around. Had worked together to bring me to this specific place at this specific time for this specific purpose. For the first time - I'm truly thankful. Now, I still wish my mom hadn't had to suffer. I wish there had been a mentor who could be an example to me, or who I could have turned to. But - I would not be where I am today without that pain, and though I know that amazing young woman is still hurting - at least she knows she's not alone, and it's okay to be frustrated and scared, and she doesn't HAVE to be strong all the time.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but God's just been so amazing to me this week. There've been moments since Monday where I've felt like life was whirling out of control, but it was as if I were holding physically onto God - and he kept me steady while everything else went wacky. Even that personal jumbling experience prepared me for last night. It's humbling, and yet so very amazing to think that God can actually use me. Quiet, shy, sheltered, uncertain, still young... me. I started this plunge into ministry completely uncertain if I was suited to it and lacking confidence in myself and my knowledge. I should have known better - it was never myself I needed confidence in.
I don't want to forget the lesson I experienced last night, so thus the epic novel. ;) I'm looking forward to seeing how God will be at work in this young woman's situation.
Growing up was tough as a teenager - there were times that, as the months passed, I wished for the times of childhood where my decisions for the day were based on what toys to play with, what TV show to watch, or how stubborn I was going to be about finishing the school my mother set me. Life paced onwards, however, and with experience and time came pain, and often-times, with pain, come loneliness and depression. There were times when my mother seemed hopelessly ill (back surgeries, cancer, various and sundry rare medical conditions) that I curled on my bed, in tears, just praying and wishing someone - anyone - could just hold me and let me cry. But I had to be strong for my family (I thought) so I would hide my pain, and wonder why it seemed God never answered those prayers.
But then I met my husband, a far-from perfect man (as I am far from perfect myself) who complements me perfectly. Suddenly I realized that God had answered my prayer in such a special way, as if he were storing up a precious treasure that would balance all the loneliness and pain of my teens. It is nice to have a physical presence who can comfort me on occassion, but that was far from the only reason God brought the two of us togehter. The last 10 months have been a study on blending our lives but maintaining sanity, and we've succeeded and flopped in various ways, learning all the way. Because of my hubby's influence and passion, I stuck around in youth ministry while we were dating - and after our marriage we were flung full-steam into a whirlwind of events, planning, organizing, talking, leading... and at times even standing firm when faced with horrible criticisms by 1 or 2 people with the gift of Discouragement. I succeeded in some things, failed miserably in others, but through those growing pains, too, I could feel God whispering his promises and encouragement. And then, last night...
For the summer we have combined our various small groups. We didn't want to lose momentum, and I was eager for the move - as I've been mentoring our lone dedicated high school girl in addition to the jr. High Small group.
I try to check in on the kids' myspaces, say hi, leave notes. Yesterday I noticed our High Schooler had made some drastic changes to her usually gung-ho website. Normally early for all our events, she was almost an hour late - exhausted from finals, going on limited sleep, hurting from a friend's actions and words. Usually, before, I've given her a hug and initiated conversations that then eventually grew deeper as she opened up. Tonight, after small group, she pulled me aside and started sharing. When too many other kids were around, and she started to get upset (trying to be brave, and tough, and not cry) we went outside.
For the first time, sitting and praying with her on our back porch, letting her just release some of that emotion -- and closing her in a big hug -- it made all those moments of my own worthwhile. It made me realize that those experiences of mine have influenced my own passions for youth ministry, have directed me to look for those needs in the girls I'm around. Had worked together to bring me to this specific place at this specific time for this specific purpose. For the first time - I'm truly thankful. Now, I still wish my mom hadn't had to suffer. I wish there had been a mentor who could be an example to me, or who I could have turned to. But - I would not be where I am today without that pain, and though I know that amazing young woman is still hurting - at least she knows she's not alone, and it's okay to be frustrated and scared, and she doesn't HAVE to be strong all the time.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but God's just been so amazing to me this week. There've been moments since Monday where I've felt like life was whirling out of control, but it was as if I were holding physically onto God - and he kept me steady while everything else went wacky. Even that personal jumbling experience prepared me for last night. It's humbling, and yet so very amazing to think that God can actually use me. Quiet, shy, sheltered, uncertain, still young... me. I started this plunge into ministry completely uncertain if I was suited to it and lacking confidence in myself and my knowledge. I should have known better - it was never myself I needed confidence in.
I don't want to forget the lesson I experienced last night, so thus the epic novel. ;) I'm looking forward to seeing how God will be at work in this young woman's situation.