Well this was fun...

[dusky_doom]

Let me just proclaim my undying love to Hatfel. He is such a sick character, I feel as though he allows me to accomplish so much with his evilness.

Here's the really revised version. I'm only going to give you Chapter one, though, as the ending of Chapter Two leads pretty well into Chapter three. So there isn't much difference in this chapter, but

Comments

[kaquinn]

Jenny says you don't think you're ready to submit to Dark Reveries, but I'm here to persuade you otherwise!

Right off you've started making the reader wonder what's going to happen next. The magick paper is an interesting idea. You've included a great deal of detail. It promises a lot of action. I want to know what will happen next!

I only noticed a few things that might be improved. "...Which had a more satiny feel to it" is a little wordy. "Tarak hated archers. They were his downfall." is too expository. You might want to say why he hated them. The mention of the wizard seems a little abrupt, like he should be introduced briefly in the first segment. "He wore maroon," seems like it's in the wrong place, unless it relates to his mental barriers. But those aren't many nits to pick.

Come on, you know you want to show me more! :)