So Tender, The Healer's Heart Part 3: WHAT.
Well guys. We’re at the end. The curtain call. And what have we learned? Oh no no no, we’ll get to that at the end. If you have yet to be acquainted with the awful that is So Tender, The Healer’s Heart, go back to Part 1 and Part 2 and suffer through the whole thing. No cheating!
I ran a hand through Karis’ green hair as I looked down and admired our two heavenly bodies locked in a lovers’ embrace, the covers drawn back to the far edge of the bed.
The finest in grocery store checkout romance prose.
Back to Tuaparang to help Spade and the High Empyror... alone with your feelings buried inside of you... separated from Karis for Iris knows how long.
How come Blados is called Blados back in Part 1 but is Spade (which is a stupid-ass name) here? And if he’s Spade, how come Chalis isn’t Heart? (GOOOOO PLANET!)
I looked at her comically childish face
HOW IS THIS NOT UNSETTLING. I feel like this chapter is going to use fucktons of capital letters.
smiled as my heart replied, True. But your feelings for her will never fade, and neither will hers for you. It may take weeks, it may take months, it may even take years, but you WILL be united with her for good some day. Have patience, Chalis. Love isn’t an agreement on a piece of paper that gets lost in the bottom of a drawer for years upon end. It’s something more... something so much more.
Nah, take back the opening snark. Grocery store checkout novels have more class than this shit.
I took one last look at her purple cotton panties and my own lacy, pale pink pair, then pulled the covers over us, pulled her body even closer to mine, closed my eyes, and hummed myself to sleep.
Apparently they got dressed after their 12 hour sexathon. Fandom buddy was going “12 HOURS. SERIOUSLY. FUCK.”
“Karis? Chalis?” Mia called as she climbed up the stairs. Arriving at the landing, she began to open the door as she said, “Come on, girls, it’s time for break-”
Cue mother grizzly murderous mayhem. Oh please oh please oh please.
She stopped dead at what she saw. Karis and Chalis were locked in an embrace on the bed, fast asleep and - judging from what she could see of Chalis’ back - topless at the very least.
This is the part where Mia loses her shit and casts Diamond Berg on the woman who just molested her teenage daughter, right? RIGHT?
As she giggled happily, Mia closed the door quietly and tip-toed back downstairs.
… oh you gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.
Ivan was seated at the table as he drank some tea he had brewed over the fireplace and read a book. When he felt his wife’s hand on his shoulder, he turned, smiled up at her and asked, “Hey, Mia. What’s up?”
“Oh nothing. Just found out our teenage daughter is having a lesbian love affair with the grown woman that tried to kill her and helped my dickbag cousin set the apocalypse in motion. More tea, darling~?”
“I just discovered a wonderful, blissful secret involving our daughter,” she said, smiling widely as she sat down at the table.
I’m not sure those are the right adjectives, Mia.
Once she was sure she had Ivan’s attention, she leaned in and whispered, “Karis and Chalis are apparently in love with each other.”
CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE A PAPA BEAR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
“SLPHT-!” Ivan spewed his coffee into the cup as he choked on it. Gagging, he looked up at her and asked with an amused smile, “You serious?”
God damnit STTHH.
She smiled, nodded, and explained what she had seen. When she was done, Ivan made a noise like a “Huh” and shook his head a little as he said, “Well - one less aspect of our daughter’s life we have to extensively worry about, then.”
What the hell kind of a response is that? “Well she’s getting fucked, one more thing off our to do list!”
“You mean you’re not the least bit surprised, or- or disappointed, or anything?” Mia asked, somewhat surprised that her husband was going to let his daughter risk the unorthodox path of romance without the slightest doubt.
I… don’t think it’s the romance part that’s the problem.
He shrugged and said, “No. I mean, I’m a little worried that she might be a source of discomfort for her community, but... you know, all the nations of Weyard are working together to be more understanding of each other in these times of crisis, so I think she’ll be all right.
Putting on my “HEY GUYS SOMETIMES I LIKE TO PRETEND I’M A WRITER” hat. Context for this whole paragraph (I chopped off the part that explains what the fuck he’s talking about because it deserves its own comment, trust me.) would be nice.
He’s talking about the homosexuality, by the way. Something like “I’m a little worried that her relationship with another woman might be a source of discomfort” would be so much better; you won’t have your readers playing guessing games.
Plus, I’m not that uncomfortable about it myself, either - I definitely had a few times in my life where I was more attracted to boys than to girls.”
YES. YOU READ THIS CORRECTLY. IVAN RATIONALIZES HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER’S RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADULT TWICE HER AGE WITH THIS. “Well I had gay thoughts, so I guess it’s okay!” The fact they’re both women isn’t an issue (well maybe in the context of Weyard it is, and I would kill for a fic that reasonably explores homosexuality in Weyard cultures in a way that isn’t “everyone is a bigot poor yaoi bois :(“ or “HOORAY FOR GAY.”) I think I’ve explained why this pairing sucks enough.
“Yeah, I’m sure the same could be said for me,” Mia said with a smile as she stood up from her chair, leaned across the table, and kissed Ivan on the forehead. “I guess that’s that, then. Come on, let’s get some breakfast together for our two lovebirds.”
God, one of the reviewers of this fic is right. This is pure “mantasy.”
----
Slowly, one by one, my senses began to awaken. It took me a while to remember where I was, but when I finally caught on, my face flushed a bright shade of red. Quickly, I pulled Karis’ hands off my back, then rolled out of bed and scrambled for my possessions. I put on my bra and stood up to put on my traveling robes when I heard Karis say quietly, “...Wow.”
Oh NOW you start to have a problem with this.
I turned around slowly to see Karis, who was standing up on her knees on the bed and staring intently at my legs as she fastened her bra clip. Ever so slowly, she stood up fully - her eyes still downcast - and walked around the bed towards me. As she did so, she talked.
I’m trying to picture this in my mind. Idk if I’m just tired, un-caffienated, or what, but I can’t fathom what the fuck is happening here.
“I never knew that... feeling so intimate with - with another girl could be so... so...”
“Awkward?” I said nervously as she stopped in front of me.
Huh, that’s what Karis would ICly say, good call, Chalis.
She looked up at me with a smile and corrected, “So good.”
Oh right. It’s this fic.
Some clothes, a quick breakfast, and an hour later found the two of us outside the house as we shared the breathtaking view of Mt. Aleph and the Golden Sun hovering above it4.
Another footnote.
4Another element of plot speculation - I thought the Golden Sun was an object that hung over Mt. Aleph, rather than an event. Who knows, maybe it is. If so, I don’t really understand how that could work out with the normal sun, but no big deal.
In the author’s defense, they never really tell us what exactly the Golden Sun is. Whether it’s an object or an event. So I can’t penalize the author here.
We stood there awkwardly for a second - well, I did5, at any rate - before Karis said, “Well, I guess this is goodbye for now.”
Chalis seemed perfectly fine until after the sex, what gives? And why is the seductive most likely succubus-based villain uncomfortable with sex but the pure wholesome girl is all up in Chalis’s cleavage?
Whoops. Almost missed this footnote!
5Looking back on it, I see absolutely no reason for Chalis to still feel awkward about the situation by now. I guess it could be because she’s never genuinely been in love with someone before Karis, but whatever the case, it works for their second kiss.
THANKS AUTHOR FOR ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS SO YOU CAN IGNORE THEM.
“I guess so,” I replied. I rubbed the back of my neck, turned to her - my face downcast - and said quickly,
Word of the day: Downcast.
“Look, Karis, I’m sorry about last night. We were... giddy; some things were said that shouldn’t have been said... we just got carried away and before I knew it, I-”
APOLOGIZE FOR THIS FIC. SHUT UP I NEED TO.
I was starting to look up at her for the last part of my plea when she interrupted me with a demure, gentle kiss. My eyebrows raised and my eyes widened in surprise for a second, but then I closed my eyes like her and returned the affection.
Insert large groan here.
We broke the kiss and opened our eyes as she said quietly, “You talk too much.”
Ladies and gentlemen… Karis.
“I’ve heard that one before,” I said with an upward twitch of my lips. “So... you’re OK with all this, then?”
There’s a lot to be okay with, Chalis. A lot.
“Chalis, I realized something last night,” she explained with a kind smile. “I realized as we were displaying our affection for each other that I’ve been attracted to you ever since we first met you in Kaocho.
I know there’s love at first sight but Jesus Christ vampire hunter.
Sure, you were out to kill us, but... there was always something about you that I genuinely liked.
… wait.
Sure, you were out to kill us
out to kill us
kill us
AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. If there’s one thing I hate about ship fics it’s ship fics that buttfuck canon just for a shipping fix! I can get retconning a death (HI DUSKSHIPPERS) but you don’t fucking retcon the fact that one of the members of a hero/villain ship is a fucking villain!
That something was buried in the back of my mind until recently, but it’s always been there, waiting. So I couldn’t be happier that you love me back and I really don’t give a damn that we’re both girls.”
Because that’s the biggest problem in this fic.
I attempted to say something, but I was caught off guard by the sheer amazement her statement filled me with and ended up just standing there with my mouth open a little in shocked joy.
Statement uttered by a 16 year old girl. I know Karis is mature but she doesn’t talk like that.
Finally, I shook my head slightly and said, “Well - glad to hear. Should I come round again when I’ve got the time to spare?”
A fuck break?
“Why don’t I just come over to your continent6 whenever I can and get together with you during one of your spare breaks,” she said with a sexy grin as she stepped back into the door and placed her hands on the door frame. “I’m sure you’ve got a bigger, more comfortable bed at your mansion of a house6.”
I WAS ONLY KIDDING. Oh, a footnote. Last one.
6Even after playing the game, I left it like this. The notion of Tuaparang being a giant floating airship is cool, but I just feel like it’s not quite the same as a whole new landmass appearing (the fact aside that I also think it would be just plain weird living on a big, fat airplane your whole life).
And somehow people miss a landmass appearing right the fuck outta nowhere? Does this author have his brain wires cut?
“You have no idea,” I replied as I shot her grin right back at her. “Goodbye, Karis.”
“Goodbye, Chalis,” she said with a loving smile as she closed the door and blew me a kiss.
I think I understand it now. Chalis and Karis traded personalities.
“So tender, the healer’s heart,” I murmured to myself, humming a classic little Weyardian love tune as I turned and jovially walked down the path.
YOOOOOU’RE HEEEEREEE I SHOULD BE FULL OF FEAR BUT I KNOW THAT YOU WON’T TRY TO KILLLLL MEEEEEEE ONCE MOOOOORE YOU SCREWED UP AUTHOR AND I KNOW THAT MY HEART WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN THANKS TO THIS FUCKING FIC.
I'm gonna go take a shower, fuck this.
I ran a hand through Karis’ green hair as I looked down and admired our two heavenly bodies locked in a lovers’ embrace, the covers drawn back to the far edge of the bed.
The finest in grocery store checkout romance prose.
Back to Tuaparang to help Spade and the High Empyror... alone with your feelings buried inside of you... separated from Karis for Iris knows how long.
How come Blados is called Blados back in Part 1 but is Spade (which is a stupid-ass name) here? And if he’s Spade, how come Chalis isn’t Heart? (GOOOOO PLANET!)
I looked at her comically childish face
HOW IS THIS NOT UNSETTLING. I feel like this chapter is going to use fucktons of capital letters.
smiled as my heart replied, True. But your feelings for her will never fade, and neither will hers for you. It may take weeks, it may take months, it may even take years, but you WILL be united with her for good some day. Have patience, Chalis. Love isn’t an agreement on a piece of paper that gets lost in the bottom of a drawer for years upon end. It’s something more... something so much more.
Nah, take back the opening snark. Grocery store checkout novels have more class than this shit.
I took one last look at her purple cotton panties and my own lacy, pale pink pair, then pulled the covers over us, pulled her body even closer to mine, closed my eyes, and hummed myself to sleep.
Apparently they got dressed after their 12 hour sexathon. Fandom buddy was going “12 HOURS. SERIOUSLY. FUCK.”
“Karis? Chalis?” Mia called as she climbed up the stairs. Arriving at the landing, she began to open the door as she said, “Come on, girls, it’s time for break-”
Cue mother grizzly murderous mayhem. Oh please oh please oh please.
She stopped dead at what she saw. Karis and Chalis were locked in an embrace on the bed, fast asleep and - judging from what she could see of Chalis’ back - topless at the very least.
This is the part where Mia loses her shit and casts Diamond Berg on the woman who just molested her teenage daughter, right? RIGHT?
As she giggled happily, Mia closed the door quietly and tip-toed back downstairs.
… oh you gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.
Ivan was seated at the table as he drank some tea he had brewed over the fireplace and read a book. When he felt his wife’s hand on his shoulder, he turned, smiled up at her and asked, “Hey, Mia. What’s up?”
“Oh nothing. Just found out our teenage daughter is having a lesbian love affair with the grown woman that tried to kill her and helped my dickbag cousin set the apocalypse in motion. More tea, darling~?”
“I just discovered a wonderful, blissful secret involving our daughter,” she said, smiling widely as she sat down at the table.
I’m not sure those are the right adjectives, Mia.
Once she was sure she had Ivan’s attention, she leaned in and whispered, “Karis and Chalis are apparently in love with each other.”
CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE A PAPA BEAR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
“SLPHT-!” Ivan spewed his coffee into the cup as he choked on it. Gagging, he looked up at her and asked with an amused smile, “You serious?”
God damnit STTHH.
She smiled, nodded, and explained what she had seen. When she was done, Ivan made a noise like a “Huh” and shook his head a little as he said, “Well - one less aspect of our daughter’s life we have to extensively worry about, then.”
What the hell kind of a response is that? “Well she’s getting fucked, one more thing off our to do list!”
“You mean you’re not the least bit surprised, or- or disappointed, or anything?” Mia asked, somewhat surprised that her husband was going to let his daughter risk the unorthodox path of romance without the slightest doubt.
I… don’t think it’s the romance part that’s the problem.
He shrugged and said, “No. I mean, I’m a little worried that she might be a source of discomfort for her community, but... you know, all the nations of Weyard are working together to be more understanding of each other in these times of crisis, so I think she’ll be all right.
Putting on my “HEY GUYS SOMETIMES I LIKE TO PRETEND I’M A WRITER” hat. Context for this whole paragraph (I chopped off the part that explains what the fuck he’s talking about because it deserves its own comment, trust me.) would be nice.
He’s talking about the homosexuality, by the way. Something like “I’m a little worried that her relationship with another woman might be a source of discomfort” would be so much better; you won’t have your readers playing guessing games.
Plus, I’m not that uncomfortable about it myself, either - I definitely had a few times in my life where I was more attracted to boys than to girls.”
YES. YOU READ THIS CORRECTLY. IVAN RATIONALIZES HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER’S RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADULT TWICE HER AGE WITH THIS. “Well I had gay thoughts, so I guess it’s okay!” The fact they’re both women isn’t an issue (well maybe in the context of Weyard it is, and I would kill for a fic that reasonably explores homosexuality in Weyard cultures in a way that isn’t “everyone is a bigot poor yaoi bois :(“ or “HOORAY FOR GAY.”) I think I’ve explained why this pairing sucks enough.
“Yeah, I’m sure the same could be said for me,” Mia said with a smile as she stood up from her chair, leaned across the table, and kissed Ivan on the forehead. “I guess that’s that, then. Come on, let’s get some breakfast together for our two lovebirds.”
God, one of the reviewers of this fic is right. This is pure “mantasy.”
----
Slowly, one by one, my senses began to awaken. It took me a while to remember where I was, but when I finally caught on, my face flushed a bright shade of red. Quickly, I pulled Karis’ hands off my back, then rolled out of bed and scrambled for my possessions. I put on my bra and stood up to put on my traveling robes when I heard Karis say quietly, “...Wow.”
Oh NOW you start to have a problem with this.
I turned around slowly to see Karis, who was standing up on her knees on the bed and staring intently at my legs as she fastened her bra clip. Ever so slowly, she stood up fully - her eyes still downcast - and walked around the bed towards me. As she did so, she talked.
I’m trying to picture this in my mind. Idk if I’m just tired, un-caffienated, or what, but I can’t fathom what the fuck is happening here.
“I never knew that... feeling so intimate with - with another girl could be so... so...”
“Awkward?” I said nervously as she stopped in front of me.
Huh, that’s what Karis would ICly say, good call, Chalis.
She looked up at me with a smile and corrected, “So good.”
Oh right. It’s this fic.
Some clothes, a quick breakfast, and an hour later found the two of us outside the house as we shared the breathtaking view of Mt. Aleph and the Golden Sun hovering above it4.
Another footnote.
4Another element of plot speculation - I thought the Golden Sun was an object that hung over Mt. Aleph, rather than an event. Who knows, maybe it is. If so, I don’t really understand how that could work out with the normal sun, but no big deal.
In the author’s defense, they never really tell us what exactly the Golden Sun is. Whether it’s an object or an event. So I can’t penalize the author here.
We stood there awkwardly for a second - well, I did5, at any rate - before Karis said, “Well, I guess this is goodbye for now.”
Chalis seemed perfectly fine until after the sex, what gives? And why is the seductive most likely succubus-based villain uncomfortable with sex but the pure wholesome girl is all up in Chalis’s cleavage?
Whoops. Almost missed this footnote!
5Looking back on it, I see absolutely no reason for Chalis to still feel awkward about the situation by now. I guess it could be because she’s never genuinely been in love with someone before Karis, but whatever the case, it works for their second kiss.
THANKS AUTHOR FOR ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS SO YOU CAN IGNORE THEM.
“I guess so,” I replied. I rubbed the back of my neck, turned to her - my face downcast - and said quickly,
Word of the day: Downcast.
“Look, Karis, I’m sorry about last night. We were... giddy; some things were said that shouldn’t have been said... we just got carried away and before I knew it, I-”
APOLOGIZE FOR THIS FIC. SHUT UP I NEED TO.
I was starting to look up at her for the last part of my plea when she interrupted me with a demure, gentle kiss. My eyebrows raised and my eyes widened in surprise for a second, but then I closed my eyes like her and returned the affection.
Insert large groan here.
We broke the kiss and opened our eyes as she said quietly, “You talk too much.”
Ladies and gentlemen… Karis.
“I’ve heard that one before,” I said with an upward twitch of my lips. “So... you’re OK with all this, then?”
There’s a lot to be okay with, Chalis. A lot.
“Chalis, I realized something last night,” she explained with a kind smile. “I realized as we were displaying our affection for each other that I’ve been attracted to you ever since we first met you in Kaocho.
I know there’s love at first sight but Jesus Christ vampire hunter.
Sure, you were out to kill us, but... there was always something about you that I genuinely liked.
… wait.
Sure, you were out to kill us
out to kill us
kill us
AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. If there’s one thing I hate about ship fics it’s ship fics that buttfuck canon just for a shipping fix! I can get retconning a death (HI DUSKSHIPPERS) but you don’t fucking retcon the fact that one of the members of a hero/villain ship is a fucking villain!
That something was buried in the back of my mind until recently, but it’s always been there, waiting. So I couldn’t be happier that you love me back and I really don’t give a damn that we’re both girls.”
Because that’s the biggest problem in this fic.
I attempted to say something, but I was caught off guard by the sheer amazement her statement filled me with and ended up just standing there with my mouth open a little in shocked joy.
Statement uttered by a 16 year old girl. I know Karis is mature but she doesn’t talk like that.
Finally, I shook my head slightly and said, “Well - glad to hear. Should I come round again when I’ve got the time to spare?”
A fuck break?
“Why don’t I just come over to your continent6 whenever I can and get together with you during one of your spare breaks,” she said with a sexy grin as she stepped back into the door and placed her hands on the door frame. “I’m sure you’ve got a bigger, more comfortable bed at your mansion of a house6.”
I WAS ONLY KIDDING. Oh, a footnote. Last one.
6Even after playing the game, I left it like this. The notion of Tuaparang being a giant floating airship is cool, but I just feel like it’s not quite the same as a whole new landmass appearing (the fact aside that I also think it would be just plain weird living on a big, fat airplane your whole life).
And somehow people miss a landmass appearing right the fuck outta nowhere? Does this author have his brain wires cut?
“You have no idea,” I replied as I shot her grin right back at her. “Goodbye, Karis.”
“Goodbye, Chalis,” she said with a loving smile as she closed the door and blew me a kiss.
I think I understand it now. Chalis and Karis traded personalities.
“So tender, the healer’s heart,” I murmured to myself, humming a classic little Weyardian love tune as I turned and jovially walked down the path.
YOOOOOU’RE HEEEEREEE I SHOULD BE FULL OF FEAR BUT I KNOW THAT YOU WON’T TRY TO KILLLLL MEEEEEEE ONCE MOOOOORE YOU SCREWED UP AUTHOR AND I KNOW THAT MY HEART WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN THANKS TO THIS FUCKING FIC.
I'm gonna go take a shower, fuck this.