Independence
It has been four months since I checked myself into the emergency room for a psychological evaluation. It has been three months since I completed my group therapy sessions. Tomorrow will be July 4th, Independence Day, the day that Americans celebrate freedom from subjugation. I find myself reflecting on my own independence.
I have (at least for now) gained a new level of freedom from my depression. I have new skills I am working to perfect. I am in recovery and feeling less oppressed by my own thoughts. Medication has helped. Therapy has helped. New friends and the support of old friends have helped. And acceptance has helped, working with reality instead of against it. The reality is that my feelings are real but at times my thoughts are distorted. The reality is that I have survived for thirty years with depression, and I can continue to survive, and I can recover. The reality is that while I am not in fact alone, I still feel lonely, and that doesn't mean I'm fucked up or that I'm being in any way disrespectful of the friends I have. The reality is that we grieve loss relative to the value of that which was lost, and it is not for anyone else to say what that value should be, or how long the grieving should take.
I have achieved something I set out to achieve six years ago. I have learned how to not "need" a specific person in my life to be okay. I have come to believe at last that while I need friends, I do not need any one particular person. No matter how deeply I may want a particular person to be a part of my life it is not a need. At the same time, I have come to accept without shame, doubt, or confusion, that I am still in love with two different people, and that it is okay to miss them.
I have also reached the realization that every person to make a lasting impact on my life, whether that impact was initially pleasant or unpleasant, has in the larger scope of things been a benefit to my life. That knowledge makes forgiveness easier, which in turn makes life lighter.
I have (at least for now) gained a new level of freedom from my depression. I have new skills I am working to perfect. I am in recovery and feeling less oppressed by my own thoughts. Medication has helped. Therapy has helped. New friends and the support of old friends have helped. And acceptance has helped, working with reality instead of against it. The reality is that my feelings are real but at times my thoughts are distorted. The reality is that I have survived for thirty years with depression, and I can continue to survive, and I can recover. The reality is that while I am not in fact alone, I still feel lonely, and that doesn't mean I'm fucked up or that I'm being in any way disrespectful of the friends I have. The reality is that we grieve loss relative to the value of that which was lost, and it is not for anyone else to say what that value should be, or how long the grieving should take.
I have achieved something I set out to achieve six years ago. I have learned how to not "need" a specific person in my life to be okay. I have come to believe at last that while I need friends, I do not need any one particular person. No matter how deeply I may want a particular person to be a part of my life it is not a need. At the same time, I have come to accept without shame, doubt, or confusion, that I am still in love with two different people, and that it is okay to miss them.
I have also reached the realization that every person to make a lasting impact on my life, whether that impact was initially pleasant or unpleasant, has in the larger scope of things been a benefit to my life. That knowledge makes forgiveness easier, which in turn makes life lighter.