Zack`s Diary - Month of December
Nearing the end!
***
Dec. 01
It’s starting to get very cold outside. I have to layer up a lot to stay warm while Zoey’s with me, because between the weather and her, I’m almost getting sick.
She and I are getting closer and closer each day. She never leaves me now. We spend time together in our meeting place, she’s with me when I go to the cafeteria to eat -- I almost forget to eat sometimes when I’m with her since she doesn’t need to -- and when I go to bed to go to sleep.
I never thought of myself as attractive, but I seem to be appealing to Zoey as she blushes and smiles widely whenever she sees me change my shirt or something.
She looks really cute when she blushes.
Dec. 03
The counsellor’s been after me again. She’s trying to find out what’s been going on with me. She heard that I had returned to classes for a couple days and started skipping again. She wants me talk to her about any problems I might be having. Admittedly I am having bouts of depression lately, but it’s not like I can talk to her about being in love with someone that I can’t touch. This is something that I’m going to find a way to get through. No… there is nothing to ‘get through.’ This is just me being with the person that I love, and that’s all there is to it.
It’s normal to feel pain sometimes when you’re in a relationship, isn’t it? This is no different. This is normal.
Dec. 05
Our meeting place has another perk besides the fact that Zoey and I can see each other as much as we want: it’s the perfect place to go to hide from the counsellors and professors. They don’t think to come up here to try to talk to me. I’m starting to get tired of their pestering. They’ve been trying to drag me down into counselling for almost an entire month. I sometimes skip meals to avoid seeing them. I’m normally a calm person, but I’ve been feeling extremely frustrated whenever they approach me.
Zoey hates it when I don’t eat. I’ll try to deal with them for her. I don’t like seeing her worrying about me.
Dec. 06
This morning I woke with a smile. I felt the cold chill against my lips; I think Zoey was trying to kiss me awake. It’s not the same as actually feeling her lips, but it’s the closest to a kiss that we can manage. It’s good enough for me. … I don’t need more.
Dec. 10
Today Zoey asked me if I was happy. Her question took me by surprise. She said that my cheerful attitude seems false. She asked if I was becoming depressed. I told her that I was very happy. At times I would feel down, but that’s just human nature; perfectly normal.
Honestly though, I wonder sometimes if I’m fooling myself. Is this really happiness? I don’t feel complete… Isn’t that what happiness is all about?
Shouldn’t happiness… feel better than this?
Dec. 12
I stayed overnight in our meeting place again. Whenever I return to my room Zoey needs to become invisible in case one of the guys wake up, and I wanted to see her by my side.
The longing to brush her hair out of her eyes as she lay beside me was almost overwhelming. Maybe I should sleep in my bed tonight.
Dec. 14
I went out on a walk today. I suddenly realized that I hadn’t been outside since… well October.
It was good for me to finally get some fresh air. I didn’t realize how deprived of it I was until I found myself gulping down air as if I hadn’t breathed in all my life. It felt kind of funny though being out there. Since it’s winter the air is freezing so I kept thinking that Zoey was there with me even though she was inside waiting for me to return. Anyway, dinner will be served down in the cafeteria in a few minutes. I’m gonna head down there and then meet up with Zoey in our secret place.
Dec. 17
Christmas is coming up soon… In just eight days. Normally I return home for a quiet Christmas away from school, but this year I wrote home saying that I had such a huge homework load that I was just going to stay at the school this year. Now that I think about it, I’m surprised that the school hasn’t been writing them about me skipping my classes. Maybe they’re hoping I’m going to get my act together and do well again before alerting my parents.
I’m dreading the eventual letter I’m going to get from home when they find out.
Dec. 20
Christmas has never been so depressing for me. I see all the couples together outside keeping warm together, or making use of mistletoe and other things… It’s so unfair. I have someone, I’m not all alone. And yet… I still can’t do those kinds of things. I can’t wait until the season is over.
Dec. 22
Thankfully most of the students have gone home. I won’t have to stare at as many couples for a little while.
I keep staying close to Zoey, wanting so badly to feel the warmth I always imagine her having, but it’s always cold. So cold.
Dec. 25
It’s Christmas. I wanted to give Zoey a gift, but there is nothing that I can give to her that she can have. I told her Merry Christmas, and that I love her. She smiled and told me that she loved me too.
I wanted to hug her, but I couldn’t. I can’t do anything with her. I want so much more, but… I can’t have more.
Dec. 29
I woke up in tears this morning. My dream of Zoey last night was exceptionally wonderful and even before I fully woke up from it, I felt the pain of knowing it could never come true.
Zoey saw and asked me about it, and I told her that I had a sad dream. I can’t remember what I told her anymore, but I didn’t mention that I was dreaming of her.
Dec. 31
Today is New Year’s Eve. Everyone around me always gets excited, but I never really did see the big deal. To me it’s just another day. Everyone always talks about the resolutions that they want to make for the new year, and if asked about it, I would always make a half hearted one that I never intended on keeping.
This year though… I almost feel I should make a resolution somehow.
…
My New Year’s resolution this year is to continue loving Zoey, and find a way for there to be a forever with her.
***
Dec. 01
It’s starting to get very cold outside. I have to layer up a lot to stay warm while Zoey’s with me, because between the weather and her, I’m almost getting sick.
She and I are getting closer and closer each day. She never leaves me now. We spend time together in our meeting place, she’s with me when I go to the cafeteria to eat -- I almost forget to eat sometimes when I’m with her since she doesn’t need to -- and when I go to bed to go to sleep.
I never thought of myself as attractive, but I seem to be appealing to Zoey as she blushes and smiles widely whenever she sees me change my shirt or something.
She looks really cute when she blushes.
Dec. 03
The counsellor’s been after me again. She’s trying to find out what’s been going on with me. She heard that I had returned to classes for a couple days and started skipping again. She wants me talk to her about any problems I might be having. Admittedly I am having bouts of depression lately, but it’s not like I can talk to her about being in love with someone that I can’t touch. This is something that I’m going to find a way to get through. No… there is nothing to ‘get through.’ This is just me being with the person that I love, and that’s all there is to it.
It’s normal to feel pain sometimes when you’re in a relationship, isn’t it? This is no different. This is normal.
Dec. 05
Our meeting place has another perk besides the fact that Zoey and I can see each other as much as we want: it’s the perfect place to go to hide from the counsellors and professors. They don’t think to come up here to try to talk to me. I’m starting to get tired of their pestering. They’ve been trying to drag me down into counselling for almost an entire month. I sometimes skip meals to avoid seeing them. I’m normally a calm person, but I’ve been feeling extremely frustrated whenever they approach me.
Zoey hates it when I don’t eat. I’ll try to deal with them for her. I don’t like seeing her worrying about me.
Dec. 06
This morning I woke with a smile. I felt the cold chill against my lips; I think Zoey was trying to kiss me awake. It’s not the same as actually feeling her lips, but it’s the closest to a kiss that we can manage. It’s good enough for me. … I don’t need more.
Dec. 10
Today Zoey asked me if I was happy. Her question took me by surprise. She said that my cheerful attitude seems false. She asked if I was becoming depressed. I told her that I was very happy. At times I would feel down, but that’s just human nature; perfectly normal.
Honestly though, I wonder sometimes if I’m fooling myself. Is this really happiness? I don’t feel complete… Isn’t that what happiness is all about?
Shouldn’t happiness… feel better than this?
Dec. 12
I stayed overnight in our meeting place again. Whenever I return to my room Zoey needs to become invisible in case one of the guys wake up, and I wanted to see her by my side.
The longing to brush her hair out of her eyes as she lay beside me was almost overwhelming. Maybe I should sleep in my bed tonight.
Dec. 14
I went out on a walk today. I suddenly realized that I hadn’t been outside since… well October.
It was good for me to finally get some fresh air. I didn’t realize how deprived of it I was until I found myself gulping down air as if I hadn’t breathed in all my life. It felt kind of funny though being out there. Since it’s winter the air is freezing so I kept thinking that Zoey was there with me even though she was inside waiting for me to return. Anyway, dinner will be served down in the cafeteria in a few minutes. I’m gonna head down there and then meet up with Zoey in our secret place.
Dec. 17
Christmas is coming up soon… In just eight days. Normally I return home for a quiet Christmas away from school, but this year I wrote home saying that I had such a huge homework load that I was just going to stay at the school this year. Now that I think about it, I’m surprised that the school hasn’t been writing them about me skipping my classes. Maybe they’re hoping I’m going to get my act together and do well again before alerting my parents.
I’m dreading the eventual letter I’m going to get from home when they find out.
Dec. 20
Christmas has never been so depressing for me. I see all the couples together outside keeping warm together, or making use of mistletoe and other things… It’s so unfair. I have someone, I’m not all alone. And yet… I still can’t do those kinds of things. I can’t wait until the season is over.
Dec. 22
Thankfully most of the students have gone home. I won’t have to stare at as many couples for a little while.
I keep staying close to Zoey, wanting so badly to feel the warmth I always imagine her having, but it’s always cold. So cold.
Dec. 25
It’s Christmas. I wanted to give Zoey a gift, but there is nothing that I can give to her that she can have. I told her Merry Christmas, and that I love her. She smiled and told me that she loved me too.
I wanted to hug her, but I couldn’t. I can’t do anything with her. I want so much more, but… I can’t have more.
Dec. 29
I woke up in tears this morning. My dream of Zoey last night was exceptionally wonderful and even before I fully woke up from it, I felt the pain of knowing it could never come true.
Zoey saw and asked me about it, and I told her that I had a sad dream. I can’t remember what I told her anymore, but I didn’t mention that I was dreaming of her.
Dec. 31
Today is New Year’s Eve. Everyone around me always gets excited, but I never really did see the big deal. To me it’s just another day. Everyone always talks about the resolutions that they want to make for the new year, and if asked about it, I would always make a half hearted one that I never intended on keeping.
This year though… I almost feel I should make a resolution somehow.
…
My New Year’s resolution this year is to continue loving Zoey, and find a way for there to be a forever with her.