Stepping Outside Myself...

[dymed_angel]

So tonight a wave of depressing thoughts took over my mind. I find it amazing that I have yet to learn how to control these thoughts.. Just when I think I've gotten it under control...it creeps right back up...a little bit stronger each time. I'm tired....very tired... More and more I'm beginning to realize that I have only myself. I don't have

Comments

[mrs_koki]

I know what you mean. I have that exact same problem of just having myself and that you feel that no one else can understand what you're going or have been through. That ultimate wish to find the one person that does. I have stepped outside myself on more than a few occasions and those feelings to make you feel like the sheer weight alone will crush you to death.

[dymed_angel]

Exactly..the weight alone is enough to drive you insane and crush you. Those moods of mine come in waves and it's ridiculous. I mean... I'll be fine one minute, and the next I'm just...very very down. May not even know why at first, and if someone says something, even if I know it's just them being silly, or stupid, that becomes extremely personal, and ends up causing the wave of depression to come crashing in. Just gotta keep forcing myself back up each time... How do you deal with yours?

[mrs_koki]

Yeah I know what you mean about it becoming personal. Since I was diagnosed with manic depression and couple more things besides..I have been in the hospital for times, only one of those times actually did anything for me, I have been medicated more times than I can count. I had to stop the medicine after I was off my mom's insurance, but to be how do I deal with my mine? Well, I know its going to sound strange but....Koki. His infectious smile and his antics help a lot, that he always gave me this sense that despite my personality and me just being who I am that its okay. But when it hits me I just remember his smiling face or something silly he did and I start laughing and smiling again.

[dymed_angel]

I totally get what you mean. It's not weird or strange that Koki's your way of getting yourself back up. He and Kame were for me for a long time. Not just them, and their smile, but their music, their actions, their culture...the whole package. I think the reason I've been finding it harder to get back up is because I don't have something to help the process anymore. I'm still a fan of KAT-TUN, but not like I used to be. I guess the fact that I'm finally free and on my own, doing my own thing, should be enough to get me straight. Only time will tell, huh. Here's to hoping for few depression modes~ o/
XD