We Got This Far
We Got This Far
yunjae, pg
romance
7,501 words
Another help_japan, this one for boxxme ♥
Dong Bang Shin Ki has always been just the two of them, and it’s been good, better than good. But then a new band debuts under the name JYJ, and when the pieces start falling into place, Yunho’s forced to realize that things won’t ever be the same.
This was one of those types of fics that came up one day and turned me upside down and shook until the words just came tumbling out. The concept interested me and I’m sure there’re a lot of ways you could dice it- this was my take. In warning, homophobia is a major theme of the story, though it plays a generally broad role -for the most part, this is a fic about second chances, and finding happiness in things that are meant to be~
Title from Secrets, by OneRepublic:
Tell me what you want to hear
Something were like those years
I’m sick of all the insincere
So I’m going to give all my secrets away-
-My God. Amazing that we got this far
It’s like we’re chasing all those stars…
They’re a perfect two-man group. Smart and well spoken- good-looking, great legs. Changmin’s got the voice and Yunho’s got the moves- Changmin’s the straight-man to his goofy charm, the sarcasm to his sincerity. And they’ve done pretty damn well for themselves -every single a moderate success, and even an award here or there. They’ve even managed to break into Japan, though even after five years Yunho’d still call it a work in progress. They’re industry veterans -not the gods they were named after, maybe, but they’ve worked hard and harder and they’ve risen up just like SM promised.
The interviewer is a pretty, emaciated girl who bats her fake eyelashes at every word they say. Yunho smiles his best smile for her anyway.
“I was originally part of another band, called Four Seasons, with four members, myself and Heechul and Kangin-sshi-”
“Wow!” she says, like this is new and exciting information and not a well-recycled talking point. Beside him Changmin nods thoughtfully and Yunho takes strength from it, goes on.
“But the fourth member had to leave, for personal reasons-” that’s the official story, anyway. Yunho’s said it so many times he’s starting to remember it as true.
“And the rest of us got split into different project groups… Super Junior, and Dong Bang Shin Ki. Us!”
He looks at Changmin and his other half smiles back, cool as ever, and leans into him, saying, “We’ve been lucky. There were originally going to be more members, but management eventually decided to make it a duo, to contrast with all the other big groups coming out at the time.”
“Woooow,” the girl cries again, because that seems to be her favorite word. “And you seem like such good friends, no? You always seem to get along so well, and you’ve lived together for so long-”
“Seven years,” Yunho confirms.
“Wow, seven years… are there any times that you argue? Have you ever had a major fight?”
Changmin’s eyes are wide, his expression guileless when he says, “Of course we do. We’re men,” he affirms to light laughter. “We have our fights. They can get… violent.”
“Uh, wow?” she says, taken aback, and Yunho rushes to amend it.
“We play around a lot. Both of us like to work out-” she coos here, but Yunho ignores her- “so if we fight, we don’t hold back. But it allows us to let off, ah, how do you say… our extra energy? All the little frustrations, all at once. So, as soon as we make up, we’re even closer.”
Changmin nods again and starts to add something witty and probably wicked, but Yunho quickly bumps their knees together and hisses, “Not today.”
The younger man huffs, but takes the command seriously. Changmin has the bad habit of poking fun, of teasing so subtly that people don’t even know they’re being mocked, and it never comes out good in the final cut, if it makes in at all. And they’ve been on thin ice lately, what with contract renewals’ coming up and their latest single not doing so well; Yunho doesn’t want any trouble. They can’t afford it.
*
Music Bank rehearsal. Some of the fan club girls are already there, watching and cheering even when they’ve paused to fix their mistakes. Yunho doesn’t mind; when he can he smiles and waves to the group of Gemini, who screaming and flail their bright red balloons overhead.
“Yunho-sshi, Yunho-sshi!” calls one of the PDs, and he hustles over. “We’ve got the line-up set and you’ll be in the second half of the show, but one of the acts for the first has canceled on us, so if you want we can pre-record and edit you in later. Is that okay?”
“That’s great,” Yunho says honestly, thinking of the extra hours of sleep.
“Great,” the guy says. “You’ll go up after the new group, JYJ.”
Yunho shakes his head. There’re too many groups these days, he can’t keep up with all of them.
The PD shrugs, too. “They’re from some small agency, but I heard them rehearsing yesterday- they’re pretty damn good! It’s their debut stage, so we’ll need fifteen minutes or so to change the set, but be up on deck anyway, yeah?”
Yunho agrees. The PD rushes away and Yunho goes to tell Changmin the good news.
*
Yunho’s eyes itch but he doesn’t dare rub them, or else he ruins ten minutes of carefully smudged make-up. The concept this time has them looking like hobos, or as one stylist called it “grunge noir” - tailored suits ripped to perfection and ridiculous amounts of face paint.
Changmin comes up beside his chair and Yunho catches a strip of skin through a slice in his shirt. He looks away.
Changmin’s not the judgmental type, but Yunho doesn’t ever want to seem like he’s… abusing their friendship, or something. It’s difficult when they practically live in each other’s skin -keeping it a complete secret was impossible, and Yunho has never been more grateful for anything as that quiet, cautious acceptance from a sixteen-year-old kid who was far too wise for his years. It’s made him all the more determined to never make Changmin uncomfortable.
And, in a way, he’s being easier on himself, too.
“Ready?” Changmin asks, and Yunho sighs, rubbing his hands on his knees.
When he looks up at Changmin he’s all smiles. “As ever.”
The hallway that connects the dressing rooms and the stage is full of concentrated air, sound waves rattling the doors in their frames. Heavy bass drowns out any actual music until they’re almost at the stage itself, but what Yunho hears, he likes.
The PD was right, he thinks, as they walk throw the wings of the stage. The music has a strong beat, catchy, and he’s bobbing his head along to the instrumental break when the chorus cuts back in - and something gives him pause.
He knows that voice.
The shock almost has him stumbling over his own feet, and in that time a new voice rises above the music (and it’s all live, no lip-singing even if they are rookies) and it’s a strong vibrato, not as familiar as the first but enough to send his heart racing, and he’s walking faster-
A third voice, not familiar at all but then they’re singing in harmony and holy crap, they’re damn good, but no wonder, if it’s really-
It’s Jaejoong.
Yunho stops at the very edge of the stage and knows he probably looks struck-dumb, because he really, really is. He can’t help but drink in the sight of him, Jaejoong, dancing earnestly (though still a little awkward, still favoring that left leg) and singing his heart out like he was born to be on the stage.
Yunho always thought he was. He just didn’t think he’d ever see it- didn’t think that opportunity would come for Jaejoong again.
Looking at him now, all Yunho can think is: thank god it did.
“Hyung,” Changmin says, loud enough to be heard over the music but not enough to be picked up by any of the mics. “Is that…?”
Changmin joined SM after Jaejoong left, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t heard about him, or seen pictures. Yunho had kept one- Heechul and Jaejoong and Yesung and Kibum and him, crowded into a booth at noraebong and drinking beer they’d snuck in, too young and too happy and drunk on dreams- he’d kept that picture for years. Thinking about it now, he doesn’t know where it is anymore.
“Yeah,” Yunho chokes out, and- “Yeah, shit.”
Changmin’s eyebrows shoot up. “He’s really good.”
“He always was. He’s even better now.”
“Why didn’t he make the cut? I thought SM dropped him because he couldn’t take the pressure? Doesn’t look like he’s having a problem to me.”
“No,” Yunho says, shaky. That’s been the company story. There’s always a story, for everyone- the public and press, the artists, the employees. Yunho’s one of the few that knows the truth. He’s never told Changmin that truth, one of the few secrets he’s kept from him. When Changmin looks at him, he swallows and deflects the question. “No, doesn’t look like it.”
Changmin doesn’t push it; he might not know the truth but he knows Jaejoong’s a touchy subject. There isn’t much to say anyway- it’s not like Yunho kept in touch with him. Yunho doesn’t know the journey between then and now, how or why Jaejoong decided to come back to this life.
And yet, Yunho can’t help but think Jaejoong doesn’t look like he’s changed at all. He’s older, sure, taller and his shoulders have filled out, his hair is decently cut and his face is thinner, more defined- but he’s just the same. Still, perfectly beautiful.
He’s on the side of the stage farthest from them, and Yunho’s so focused on him he doesn’t even notice the other two until they’ve stepped directly into his line of sight, and that’s where he gets the second shock of the night -Junsu.
Well, damn.
“Hyung?” Changmin asks, noticing his expression.
He jerks his chin forward. “Kim Junsu,” he says. “He was a trainee, too… But when his voice broke something went wrong and they said he’d never sing again. He left SM a little while before Jaejoong.”
“Evidently ‘they’ really don’t know what they’re talking about, yah?”
“Yeah. I don’t remember his voice, not really, but he was a great dancer. It was pretty unfair…”
“Well, looks like they’ve got their chance now.”
There’s an edge in his voice and when Yunho looks at him, his smile is bitter. Yunho understands, and sighs. Every new group, every new success is one more nail in their coffin. They’ve been around seven years -that’s one hell of a run for a pop group, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to hurt when it’s over, and now that they’ve got the end hanging over their heads, every little thing becomes a bad omen.
That his former friends are part of that is pretty ironic, and he laughs to himself wryly.
The song ends, the music cuts out, and the singers stop, breathing hard but beaming nonetheless, clapping at each other, congratulating themselves on their success.
“You know the other one?” Changmin murmurs, softly now.
“No,” Yunho whispers back, but it’s pointless. The trio exit through the other side of the stage and don’t ever look their way.
*
Yunho’s distracted, off kilter; they need two takes to film their song right, and he apologizes profusely at the end. Fortunately it’s the same PD and he’s a nice guy, waving it off. They ride back to their apartment in silence, Yunho all sorts of tense and Changmin knowing better than to say anything, not until-
“Wanna talk about it?”
Yunho doesn’t look at him- he keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling, and a second later the bed dips with the weight of Changmin sitting down, his hip up against Yunho’s side.
“Hyung-”
“It just took me by surprise, alright? It’s nothing.”
“It’s not. You never mess up like that. What’s wrong?”
“I…” It sits on the edge of his tongue, that tricky truth. He swore he’d never say anything, he swore he’d never-
“It’s nothing,” he repeats, but it comes out all wrong and all of a sudden Changmin’s wiping a thumb along the bottom of his eyes. “It’s nothing.”
Changmin doesn’t answer, but he twists and lies down, stretching out beside Yunho. They’re two grown men who are far too big to fit in this tiny single bed, and when Changmin presses against him he hates himself a little for being so grateful.
“Just for tonight,” Changmin says, eventually, and his arm slips over Yunho’s waist. A touch of nothing but comfort. “For old time’s sake.”
Old times. Yeah, right.
*
Inkigayo comes two days later, and of course the new band will be there, another triumphant debut stage. Yunho spends the whole weekend preparing himself, just in case they run into each other. It probably won’t happen; there are a lot of acts, it’s possible they won’t cross paths or even be at the studio at the same time. But, just in case.
Then Heechul calls, early Sunday morning. “Hey. Saw the debut stage Friday.”
“Did you know about it?” he asks, no need for subtleties.
“Yeah,” Heechul says, and it’s not so much a confession as defiance. Yunho could demand for a lot more, how long have you known or why didn’t you tell me or what the hell do I do now, but-
“He sounded good.”
“Hell yeah he did,” Heechul says. “They all did. Bet the boss’ pissing his pants right now, letting them go.”
Yunho chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “Yeah,” he says.
“You’re going to talk to him, right?”
“I don’t-”
“You better fucking talk to him,” Heechul cuts in sharply. “Who gives a shit if he’s mad? It’s been ten years, you moron. Talk to him. Tell him I still think he looks like a chick.”
This time, when he laughs, it feels real. “Okay,” he says. “I will.”
*
So of course he runs into them - he’s introduced to them, even, by Onew because the poor kid doesn’t know any better.
They’re on their way to their dressing room when SHINee’s leader turns a corner and spots them. His face lights up as he calls out to them and Yunho can’t resist slowing down to say hi to their dongsaeng.
He realizes a second too late that Onew isn’t alone, and suddenly two-thirds of JYJ step up behind him, and the kid is beaming at them, babbling, “Oh, hyung, have you met- they’re part of JYJ, the new group- this is Yoochun-sshi and Junsu-”
“Yunho!”
And then he’s got an armful of Junsu, and it’s amazing, because it’s like Junsu hasn’t changed a bit, either. The man is all charm and laughter, and he’s hugging Yunho like ten years have only been ten days, and Yunho folds completely, amazed in the face of such honest excitement.
He’s hugging back in less than a second. “Junsu, so great to see you,” he says, squeezing tight. “Glad you’re back,” he adds, just for Junsu, and the man bounces back with a smile.
Onew looks like a fish out of water, mouth open in confusion, and Yunho takes pity on him, explaining, “Junsu used to be a trainee at SM.”
The kid flushes bright red but Junsu laughs easily. “Ages and aaaages ago,” he says. “I hated to leave, but it worked out for the best.”
“You sound incredible,” Yunho says, in slight undertone, and Junsu’s smile softens- he gets the message. They might’ve lost touch years ago- bound to happen, with a schedule like theirs, Junsu would always have a place as friend in his heart.
“It took a few years of therapy, but…” the singer shrugs, never one to be down for long. “Worth it. Oh! My bad, Yunho, this is Park Yoochun-”
A slender man steps forward, offering his hand. “Hello,” he says, when Yunho takes it.
He offers the same to Changmin, who steps forward with quirked smile. “I’m-”
“Changmin-sshi, of course,” Yoochun grins. “Dong Bang Shin Ki is pretty famous.”
“Yoochun’s heard of you, and he’s from America,” Junsu says brightly, like it’s a secret he can’t bear to keep, and Yoochun colors slightly.
“I grew up here,” he corrects gently. “I moved there when I was twelve, I came back here after finishing school two years ago.”
Onew makes a sound like he thinks that’s the coolest thing in the world, and Changmin nudges him, chuckling. “So you speak English pretty well? I’ve been studying for a while…”
Yoochun nods, and Changmin rattles off an accented phrase that Yunho doesn’t understand at all, and Yoochun’s reply is equally indecipherable, but his tone is deep and smooth, impressive.
“He so way good,” Junsu says, and Yunho understands enough of that hot mess to at least laugh along with everyone else.
“That was awful,” Changmin mouths off, and Junsu squawks in outrage.
“Changmin,” Yunho warns, “Be nice.”
Junsu sticks his tongue out at Changmin, who snickers in response. When Yunho glances over at Yoochun, the man is looking back at him as if to say, what can you do? Yunho likes him already.
And it seems Changmin likes them, too- Junsu especially, although he’s a little twisted so no one knows it but Yunho. He smiles, because their bickering has pulling pigtails written all over it.
He marvels at how easy this feels.
And of course, that’s when Jaejoong finds them.
“Yoochun-” he says, appearing suddenly and stepping right up to his bandmate with the same sort of tunnel vision they used to tease him about, so long ago. “You guys left me,” he pouts, and Yunho is very careful to keep his eyes trained somewhere above Jaejoong’s head.
“Sorry, hyung,” Yoochun says casually. “We figured you’d be with Baek-sshi for a while. Onew volunteered to show us around, we were just talking with-”
Yunho can tell the exact moment that Jaejoong notices he’s there. He sees it like a shock that runs right through him, in the way Jaejoong expression smoothes over, the way he freezes for a split-second and then forces himself to relax, licking his lips anxiously.
Junsu glances between them and his smile slips, just a little bit. Changmin shifts towards Yunho, silent support. Onew doesn’t look like he’s noticed anything; Yoochun must have noticed, but he’s doing a good job of ignoring the tension in the air.
A public hallway is not the place for this; an hour before they go live is not the time.
But here they are, anyway.
“Hello Jaejoong,” he says, and he doesn’t know how his voice comes out half as strong as it does.
Jaejoong turns and his eyes are like knives, cold and tearing through Yunho, dissecting every piece of him, looking deep into him and seeing everything the past ten years have made of him.
Jaejoong licks his lips again, and then he smiles. He smiles and it sews Yunho back together again, and Yunho doesn’t know whether he’s been left broken or finally put right. “Hi Yunho. It’s been a while.”
*
They don’t really get a chance to talk, and after Dong Bang Shin Ki’s live the duo is ushered straight back to their dressing room; Changmin shrugs out of his costume and into a pair of sweatpants and passes out on the couch, while Yunho sits at the vanity scraping make-up off his face.
His back twinges because he twisted the wrong way during the dance, and he feels way too old to be only twenty-six. He thinks about Jaejoong, a week older than him and only just starting out, and snorts, good luck with that.
Another cotton swap gets tossed into the trash, and when he looks back into the mirror, speak of the devil, Jaejoong’s in the reflection behind him, hand raised to knock on the open door. It’s pointless now; they’ve seen each other, made eye contact, and Jaejoong’s fist hovers in the air for a second before dropping down to his side.
His eyes flick to Changmin, then back. “Can I come in?” he asks softly.
Yunho’s pause is a little too long to be natural, but eventually he pushes himself out of his chair. “Yeah, yeah, of course…” He’s standing, now, but he doesn’t know what to do. He waves his arm in front of him, motioning to the room. “We’re stuck here until the bus comes around,” he explains, “all the stylists and stuff went home already. It’s a glamorous life, yeah?”
Jaejoong scuffs his shoes on the floor. “Yeah.” He looks at Yunho, then away again. “I mean, everyone stayed with us, but probably only because we have no idea what we’re doing-”
“It’s cool,” he says, and god this is awkward, so much different than it was with Junsu. But then again, how can it be? “It’s good, you’ll learn a lot from them. The staff makes everything happen, you gotta make sure and be nice to them, or they’ll make your life hell.”
“Learn from experience?” Jaejoong says jokingly
Yunho grins crooked. “I’ve seen it happen to plenty of rookies. They learn quick, or they don’t last.”
“Can’t have that, can we?” Jaejoong murmurs, humor failing him.
There’s a long silence, and then Jaejoong sighs, slumping, giving in. “I really want this to work, Yunho.” He says it like he’s pleading. “I’ve worked so hard, we all have-”
“I know,” he says, can’t help but say. “I’m sure you have.”
“Yoochun’s really talented, and Junsu and I, this is what we’ve wanted for so long, they both deserve it so much… and sometimes I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, still afraid they’ll change their mind or I’ll screw it up all over again-”
“Hey, stop. Don’t say that,” he soothes, stepping in close without thought. “You made it this far, didn’t you? You’ve got a single and a stage and if the crowd was any indication you’ll have at least ten fan sites by tomorrow.”
Jaejoong shrugs but there’s a small smile lighting up his face. “You really think we did good?” he asks, chewing on that lip again.
“Jaejoong,” he says, incredulous. “You were amazing. You’ve got a voice to die for, and you danced... well you danced okay,” he admits, and Jaejoong chuckles. “But you looked like a professional, up there. The three of you will be a hit, don’t doubt it.”
The other man actually seems to be relieved. “Thanks,” he says. “It means a lot, coming from…”
Me? Yunho wants to ask, heart in his throat.
“…a sunbae,” Jaejoong finishes, almost shy. Yunho will take it.
“I guess I am, huh? I hadn’t really thought of it that way,” he says honestly. He can think of Jaejoong as new to the stage but never new to the industry, not when he was there at the beginning- when he knows exactly how brutal and challenging it can be. The ghost of Jaejoong has always been with him; they could never be anything but equals.
Jaejoong is staring at him again, face unreadable, eyes dark and endless, and Yunho swallows, looking away.
“You…” he starts, stopping the moment he feels a hand on his arm.
“I’m really glad I got to see you,” Jaejoong says. “I was hoping-”
And then it’s Jaejoong’s turn to be cut off, because hearing that is all that Yunho needs to cross that last barrier, to step into Jaejoong’s space and wrap his arms around him and hug him for all he’s worth.
“I’m so happy for you, Jaejoong,” he says fiercely. It doesn’t matter that he only found out about this three days ago, that he and Jaejoong are practically strangers, or that JYJ could and probably will overtake them and it’s going to hurt like hell-
He realizes that he’s been waiting for this moment since Jaejoong stumbled into their shared dorm, hand shaking as he packed his things, too distraught to even cry, and Yunho couldn’t do anything but watch him go.
“I missed you,” he admits, and he feels Jaejoong’s arms wind around him, too, his chin digging into his shoulder. He swallows hard and waits for Jaejoong to say something… and what he gets instead is a different voice, sleep-rough and dry-
“If you guys are gonna do anything at least wait until you’re alone, jeez.”
Jaejoong pulls back, guilt and fear in his eyes, but Yunho gives him a smile. He looks over his shoulder at Changmin, who’s glaring at them from the couch.
“Shut up, Changmin. Don’t interrupt. You’re supposed to be sleeping, anyway.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Changmin grumbles, and pulls a couch cushion down over his head. “I’m tuning out. Happy?”
Yunho rolls his eyes and doesn’t bother replying; when he turns back to Jaejoong the man’s eyes are still wide with worry.
Yunho puts a hand on his shoulder. “Not everyone in the business is so narrow-minded, or cruel. We keep quiet, but it’s…” he trails off, preferring to not get into it now.
“Is he…?” Jaejoong ventures, and Yunho snorts.
“I’m not!” Changmin calls out, and Yunho groans. “How many times have I told you not to creep on other people’s conversations, dongsaeng?” he demands. Then, to Jaejoong, he says, “No, don’t worry. Changmin is firmly heterosexual. A porn-addicted, annoying-”
“Hey!”
“-tactless straight man,” he finishes, ignoring Changmin completely.
Jaejoong’s lips twitch, and he peeks at Changmin again. Yunho follows his line of sight, the long stretch of well-defined torso, and knows what he’s thinking. “Shame,” he murmurs, and they both laugh when Changmin makes a gagging noise and rolls over, pulling the pillow tighter over his head.
He thinks, then, it might just be okay.
*
He gives Jaejoong his phone number, and doesn’t expect to hear from him -certainly not that very night, well past midnight and when he’s desperate for a few hours’ sleep. His cell phone buzzes and he thinks about ignoring it, but he checks the caller ID and as soon as he sees Jaejoong’s name he’s jamming the phone to his ear.
“Jaejoong?” he answers. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Jaejoong says softly.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, I just- I thought I’d-”
“Yeah, of course,” Yunho says quickly, trying to smooth this over as much as possible. “Yeah.”
“I know it’s late…”
“It’s fine. I said call anytime, right?”
There’s a soft knock on the door and Yunho twists, sees Changmin in the doorway, checking in on him. Probably heard him talking.
Yunho gives him a sheepish grin and points to his phone and Changmin doesn’t hesitate before turning to go; Yunho can’t really see him, silhouetted against the light, but he thinks Changmin might be smiling.
Yunho and Jaejoong end up chatting for a while, about meaningless things, but small talk can only sustain them so long. There’s a long pause when they’re just listening to each other breathe, and Yunho wonders why it isn’t really awkward, anymore. Then Jaejoong suddenly says this-
“I hated you for a long time, you know.”
Yunho swallows thickly, a lump in his throat.
“I hated you… for not saying anything,” Jaejoong adds. “And not sticking up for me. I hated you for not being stupid enough to get caught. You knew better than to… or maybe you were messing around, the whole time, but you were never careless. You never gave anything away, and I hated that, too.”
“Jaejoong…”
“And I did a lot of stupid things, and burned all my bridges… Then you debuted and I started hating myself even more. I couldn’t blame you, because I was the idiot, and I realized I could have never asked you to give it all up. I saw you doing everything I wanted to do and I saw how happy you were, and I would have done anything to have taken it all back and be in your shoes. Or at least be by your side.”
Yunho inhales sharply, not expecting the admission. He doesn’t know what to say to that; but Jaejoong isn’t quite done, and he doesn’t need to say anything.
“So I’m sorry, because I was really stupid, back then. Even if you didn’t know, you didn’t deserve that hate.” He adds, after a pause: “I went to one of your concerts, you know.”
Yunho just barely manages to recover his voice. “Y-Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says. “I’d just met Yoochun and he wanted to go to the Dream Concert, see a real pop concert. I didn’t even realize you were in the line-up, but when I saw you… that’s when I knew. I wanted to try again. I wanted to reach that level, and be able to look you in the eye again.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong sighs. “Is it weird to say that? Too soon?”
Yunho shakes his head for a second before he remembers Jaejoong can’t see him. “No, it really isn’t. I told you before… I’ve missed you. I want us to have a clean start.”
The silence is long but thoughtful. “I want that, too. But, Yunho, we can’t… I can’t risk-”
Yunho chuckles. “I think it is a little soon for that. But don’t worry, Jaejoong. We’re not fifteen anymore. You think I’ve been a monk this whole time? It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible, either.”
“Still…”
“You have every right to be worried,” he says softly. “But you didn’t just get caught, Jaejoong. You got sold out by someone you thought you could trust. You loved him and he ruined your life.”
Jaejoong’s breathe hitches, audible even over the phone. There’s a long pause, and then he says, “I didn’t love him. Not even close.”
“Oh,” Yunho says, because that’s all he can say.
“But he ruined a lot of things… a lot of chances.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“S’not your fault.”
“Don’t mean it don’t suck,” Yunho shoots back, in thick Gwangju accent, and when Jaejoong laughs, loud and quick, he closes his eyes and basks in the sound. “You don’t have to worry about me, though,” he adds. “I’d never-”
“I know, Yunho,” he says. And that’s that. “I know.”
*
Five months in. JYJ’s got a decent fanbase, even a handful of weekly awards- not bad at all for a rookie group from a small agency and no-name label. In the same time Dong Bang Shin Ki releases an album that’s on top of the charts for almost a week, which is also pretty good for them, lately.
Life goes on schedule; there are times when they’re so busy that weeks will go by and Yunho and Jaejoong don’t have time for more than a few scattered texts. Then there’ll be a stretch of days in which Dong Bang Shin Ki is terrifyingly free, and going over to JYJ’s apartment to play video games and watching Junsu and Changmin squabble like infants is the perfect distraction.
Management doesn’t know about those visits. They don’t keep as tight a leash on Yunho and Changmin as they did when they were younger, newer, and Yunho isn’t going to be the one to change that by mentioning he’s spending most of his free time at a disgraced ex-trainee’s apartment.
Not that he’s giving them any reason to worry… Yunho and Jaejoong are just friends, nothing more.
They’ve always had a connection- an underlying attraction that in their youth never amounted to more than a close friendship and a lot of sexual tension. That attraction hasn’t died, probably never will, but they’re still navigating their renewed friendship and Jaejoong has never once hinted at wanting anything more.
Yunho tells himself it’s enough. It has to be -and in the meantime, he’s happier than he remembers being in a long time.
*
There’s a mishap, a conflict of scheduling, and the five of them are forced to share a dressing room at one of KBS’s buildings. JYJ is getting ready for an interview and they’re being prepped for Radio Star -which is really Changmin’s show, but Yunho co-hosts practically every other broadcast anyway.
Yunho isn’t exactly unhappy with the turn of the events, but doesn’t think they’ll have much of a chance to interact. He certainly doesn’t expect there might be a problem until they’re all packed in the dressing room together, and Yunho is snagged up by the stylist he’s slept with a couple of times. They’ve never been more than benefits, no fuss, all fun, and he thinks nothing of it when Kwanhee lingers over his hair and flashes him sly glances in the mirror and cards his fingers through Yunho’s bangs. It isn’t any different from any other day at the station, except…
“Hyung,” Changmin hisses, sliding close. “What the hell are you playing at?”
Yunho sends him a confused look. “What?”
“Don’t be stupid. Cut it out.” His eyes dart to the stylist, and Yunho would swear his look is almost scathing. Yunho looks around quickly, hoping no one is paying attention.
“What are you talking about?” he demands, irritated that Changmin’s pointing them out, honestly confused- but then he looks around again and actually pays attention, and what he sees shocks the hell out of him.
JYJ is waiting on the couch and Junsu and Yoochun are turned outwards, carefully looking away, but Jaejoong’s in the middle and he’s got his eyes laser-locked on the side of Kwanhee’s head. The non-expression on his face is a little terrifying.
Changmin whistles low under his breath. “If looks could kill, hyung…” he mutters, and saunters away.
Yunho gulps and when Kwanhee says something, oblivious to it all, Yunho finds himself mumbling in reply, avoiding his coy attentions.
The rest of the prep time passes normally and, fortunately, quickly. If Jaejoong stares a little too long at Yunho, and Yunho fidgets with more than just excess energy, well, no one else seems to notice.
But, when they’re all touched-up and being ushered out of the room, Jaejoong follows close behind him. When no one’s looking he fits his fingers neatly around Yunho’s wrist, squeezing once before they go their separate ways.
*
Jaejoong finds him sitting in the stairwell, hiding from the coordis and camera crews and everyone. His costume calls for bright red leather shoulder-pads that are so thick he doesn’t feel it when Jaejoong first puts a hand on his arm.
He notices instead when Jaejoong’s takes a step down and his shoes peak into Yunho’s vision, as limited as it is with his head hanging down between his knees, cradled in his hands.
“Changmin was wondering where you went,” Jaejoong says, and there’s the sound of him sitting down on the step below Yunho. The top of his knee comes into view as well, too, hidden underneath a tight stretch of shiny-sleek black fabric. Yunho thinks their concept is vampires, or something. He hasn’t been paying attention lately -no one to blame for that but himself.
“Yunho.”
Yunho doesn’t want to respond; he’s out here to avoid people, not to start up conversation, even if it’s with someone he-
“Yunho…” Jaejoong says again, so softly, and Yunho lets his head sway back and forth, still not looking up.
“I’m not really up to talking, Jaejoong.”
The hand on his shoulder slips down to his back, to the thinner cotton of the suit jacket, and he can feel the warmth of the touch like he’s sitting with his back to a fire. The image strikes him sharply and he squeezes his eyes shut, abruptly drawn into a memory of a camping trip he took with his class in junior high, when they climbed hills they thought were mountains and sang around the campfire when the sun went down.
“I’m tired,” he says abruptly, surprising himself. He still doesn’t want to talk but the words were forced out of him without conscious thought.
There’s another sound of movement and then Jaejoong’s slipping around in front of him, leaning down to peak up at Yunho. His fingers tip-toe across the line of Yunho’s arm and when he finally catches Yunho’s eye, he smiles.
“You’re amazing,” Jaejoong says. “You’re going to go out there and sing and dance and break hearts all over Korea. You… you’re just amazing.”
The irony isn’t lost on Yunho; could it really be only a half-year since he was the one soothing Jaejoong’s fears, with nearly those exact same words, trying to give him strength?
He lifts his head and it’s just enough that he can lean forward and rest his forehead against Jaejoong’s. Jaejoong’s eyes cross at first when he does and Yunho chuckles. Then he sighs, breathing in the smell of hair spray, cigarette smoke and faint cologne.
“Thank you.”
They’re close enough to kiss.
*
When he first hears the rumors, he can’t believe it. Then, after he gets over his shock, he pulls every favor he can think of to make those rumors a reality. He’s never been one to do anything by halves, and if anything’s worth trying, it’s this.
In the end he doesn’t know how or why, if any of his efforts made a difference. He can see how CjeS would have jumped at the chance for the exposure; he can guess that SM might have wanted some good press, too. Jaejoong and Junsu were SM trainees first, and one of them at least left the company in favorable light.
Whatever the reasons, though, Yunho is grateful. And as soon as it’s official, he’s the one that gets to do the honors of making the announcement. He doesn’t mention his involvement, but it doesn’t matter when Jaejoong looks like he’s been punched, wind and words knocked right out of him.
“There’s no way,” he says, in denial. “SM wouldn’t, they’d never work with…”
Yunho just shrugs. “Yet here we are -and we’ve got a week to practice. Let’s do this.”
This is a collaboration. DBSK and JYJ singing together on a special stage for Music Bank, an a capella performance of an old Gospellers song translated into Korean by Changmin himself - he’d done the translation ages ago but the two of them weren’t enough to pull of the harmonization.
But now it’s the five of them, and there’s just something right about the way they sound in practice. Their voices work- they work. They’ve sung together before, snatches of songs here and there, but it’s never been all five of them, never like this; a concentrated, powerful harmony.
Even their manager -who hovers over them, puffed up, watching their every movement like a hawk, giving Jaejoong the stink eye every time few seconds- has to concede that they’re a strong team.
“You guys are good,” he says, almost grudgingly, and Yunho feels like whooping with joy- a feeling at odds with the nervousness that gurgles in his stomach. He hasn’t felt this anxious over a performance since his debut days and he doesn’t know why; they practice the song to death and their manager is right, they are good. Just as good together as individually, even. And yet the feeling stays, something not-quite-unpleasant, right up until the day of the stage.
And then it’s time- and standing on stage, camera lights in their eyes, the misgivings disappear as if it never were.
When they line up, JYJ on the left and DBSK on the right, something warm settles in Yunho’s bones.
When they start to sing, its five voices falling into one, beautiful whole.
And it’s the strangest thing, singing to a crowd that doesn’t make a sound. There’s nothing -no cheering, no chants, not even a damned awkward cough. Yunho glances sideways at Changmin but the younger man’s got his poker face on so Yunho pushes through, too, and hopes the other three are able to take it and do the same.
When they’re done, it’s still silent, and Yunho has just a second to think what the hell before the whole audience goes insane - the screams are damned near deafening, and even the crew is applauding; when they walk off stage, it’s to more praise and enthusiastic back-claps from fellow artists. It takes less than an hour for the song to become the number one search on Naver; before they even make it back to their apartment, management has changed around their schedules to get them into the studio, because they want a single to sell. Immediately.
*
The five of them, in the studio. Yunho and Jaejoong rest on the couch and listen to Junsu belting it out in the booth while Yoochun and Changmin bend their heads together over a bridge arrangement.
They’re otherwise alone; the sound guy stepped out to get a drink and their respective managers are a hallway away, negotiating promotion contracts.
Yunho and Jaejoong are quiet, content to watch, but Yunho knows there’s something on Jaejoong’s mind. He’s known it since they got to the studio this morning, the way he keeps biting his lip, how when he thinks no one’s looking, his face goes blank and distant, and how when they are he laughs just a bit too loud.
Right now he’s bouncing his foot like crazy, and Yunho wants to reach out a grab his knee and stop it, because it’s making him anxious now, but he holds in the impulse, too conscious of where they are.
Then Jaejoong stands abruptly. Yunho starts to ask, a simple “Jaejoong…?” but he barely gets that out before Jaejoong is grabbing his wrist, muttering “Can we talk somewhere?” under his breath. He pulls Yunho along before he even has a chance to respond.
It takes less than two seconds to get to the door but it’s enough time that Changmin and Yoochun have noticed them. Changmin calls out “Have fun you two,” in a smarmy voice, and Yunho glances back, ready to snap back, but then he catches sight of Yoochun. The songwriter is staring straight at him, eyes bright and knowing, and it kills any words that Yunho thought to say.
He lets Jaejoong drag him out of the room without a sound. And drag him he does, through the hallway, two more, going fast and only slowing to peak around the corners. He never lets go of Yunho’s hand.
They must be halfway across the building when Jaejoong finally stops, pushing them into a room that’s empty; it’s dark inside but the lights come on as soon as they enter, flickering on automatically, revealing a crushed-carpet floor, a small sofa and lonely stack of chairs in the corner
Yunho finally finds his voice. “What…?”
But Jaejoong shushes him, stepping up close. His face goes blank again -or almost blank, because his eyes are dark with disquiet, intensity. He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, and Yunho clears his throat, leaning back against the door casually so he can distance himself from that stare without seeming like he’s backing away.
But Jaejoong follows him anyway, and his breath hitches. “Jaejoong-”
“I’m sick of waiting,” Jaejoong says, like they’re already in the midst of a conversation. Maybe they are, and Yunho hasn’t been listening. “I want…”
He lifts his hand and Yunho holds his breath as he reaches up and brushes his shoulder, slipping his fingers up and around his neck, a gentle hold. Yunho can’t help but tense, an instinctive reaction, but Jaejoong’s thumb dips down to run along his collarbone and he relaxes.
“I didn’t want to rush you,” he admits. “I didn’t want to push.”
“I know. But I’m not so fragile, Yunho. A good push won’t break me,” he says, lips quirking.
Yunho shakes his head. “You weren’t ready.”
Jaejoong frowns, not so much unhappy but thoughtful. “Maybe. But ten years should be long enough. Why can’t we…”
Yunho waits for him to finish, but he doesn’t. His hand is shaking and Yunho lets out a long breath, winding an arm around Jaejoong’s waist and pulling him close- Jaejoong’s answer is to slide his hand down, to hitch the crook of his elbow over Yunho’s shoulder. They're embracing now. Yunho leans against the door and Jaejoong leans against him and together they keep the world outside; they keep this room and this moment just for them.
“I love you,” Yunho says, whispers it into Jaejoong’s hair. A second passes, two and then three. “I think I always have.”
“No you haven’t,” Jaejoong mumbles.
He’s probably right, but there’s more to it than that. “I never forgot you.”
He feels tears against his throat before he feels Jaejoong’s smile. “That’s all I ever wanted,” Jaejoong says, and it’s too much like a sob for Yunho’s liking. Much as he might protest, there’s always been a certain fragility about Jaejoong- a fear of being left behind, forgotten, alone. “I thought, once I’d left-”
Yunho tightens his arm briefly, stopping that before it even begins. “That’s the past, yeah? It’s all behind us. We’re here now, that’s all that matters.”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says on a shuddering breath. “Okay.”
They stay that way a while, and Yunho counts down the time they have left. They can’t be gone too long, not if they don’t want someone sent to look for them.
“We should probably go back,” he says finally, ruefully.
Jaejoong hums in acknowledgement, but his answer is a little different. “I love you too,” he says.
Yunho swallows and Jaejoong pulls back, just enough to look him in the eye.
If he really thinks about it, they could probably be gone for a little bit longer. Their manager’s will be busy for a while yet and if not, Yoochun will cover for them. And Changmin can be quite distracting, when he wants to be.
Yunho squeezes his waist again, and Jaejoong’s smile is soft but infectious.
They’re close enough to kiss -and this time, Yunho doesn’t hesitate to close the distance.
started writing: 5/7/11
finished writing: 7/6/11
master list
It's been a while since I've written Yunjae, and those boys are ♥ I feel a bit like a broken record but I've been really lucky with all my help_japan prompts, as well as the lovely bidders! boxxme, thanks for your generosity and sorry it took so long, haha, but here it is and hope you enjoyed! :)
yunjae, pg
romance
7,501 words
Another help_japan, this one for boxxme ♥
Dong Bang Shin Ki has always been just the two of them, and it’s been good, better than good. But then a new band debuts under the name JYJ, and when the pieces start falling into place, Yunho’s forced to realize that things won’t ever be the same.
This was one of those types of fics that came up one day and turned me upside down and shook until the words just came tumbling out. The concept interested me and I’m sure there’re a lot of ways you could dice it- this was my take. In warning, homophobia is a major theme of the story, though it plays a generally broad role -for the most part, this is a fic about second chances, and finding happiness in things that are meant to be~
Title from Secrets, by OneRepublic:
Tell me what you want to hear
Something were like those years
I’m sick of all the insincere
So I’m going to give all my secrets away-
-My God. Amazing that we got this far
It’s like we’re chasing all those stars…
They’re a perfect two-man group. Smart and well spoken- good-looking, great legs. Changmin’s got the voice and Yunho’s got the moves- Changmin’s the straight-man to his goofy charm, the sarcasm to his sincerity. And they’ve done pretty damn well for themselves -every single a moderate success, and even an award here or there. They’ve even managed to break into Japan, though even after five years Yunho’d still call it a work in progress. They’re industry veterans -not the gods they were named after, maybe, but they’ve worked hard and harder and they’ve risen up just like SM promised.
The interviewer is a pretty, emaciated girl who bats her fake eyelashes at every word they say. Yunho smiles his best smile for her anyway.
“I was originally part of another band, called Four Seasons, with four members, myself and Heechul and Kangin-sshi-”
“Wow!” she says, like this is new and exciting information and not a well-recycled talking point. Beside him Changmin nods thoughtfully and Yunho takes strength from it, goes on.
“But the fourth member had to leave, for personal reasons-” that’s the official story, anyway. Yunho’s said it so many times he’s starting to remember it as true.
“And the rest of us got split into different project groups… Super Junior, and Dong Bang Shin Ki. Us!”
He looks at Changmin and his other half smiles back, cool as ever, and leans into him, saying, “We’ve been lucky. There were originally going to be more members, but management eventually decided to make it a duo, to contrast with all the other big groups coming out at the time.”
“Woooow,” the girl cries again, because that seems to be her favorite word. “And you seem like such good friends, no? You always seem to get along so well, and you’ve lived together for so long-”
“Seven years,” Yunho confirms.
“Wow, seven years… are there any times that you argue? Have you ever had a major fight?”
Changmin’s eyes are wide, his expression guileless when he says, “Of course we do. We’re men,” he affirms to light laughter. “We have our fights. They can get… violent.”
“Uh, wow?” she says, taken aback, and Yunho rushes to amend it.
“We play around a lot. Both of us like to work out-” she coos here, but Yunho ignores her- “so if we fight, we don’t hold back. But it allows us to let off, ah, how do you say… our extra energy? All the little frustrations, all at once. So, as soon as we make up, we’re even closer.”
Changmin nods again and starts to add something witty and probably wicked, but Yunho quickly bumps their knees together and hisses, “Not today.”
The younger man huffs, but takes the command seriously. Changmin has the bad habit of poking fun, of teasing so subtly that people don’t even know they’re being mocked, and it never comes out good in the final cut, if it makes in at all. And they’ve been on thin ice lately, what with contract renewals’ coming up and their latest single not doing so well; Yunho doesn’t want any trouble. They can’t afford it.
*
Music Bank rehearsal. Some of the fan club girls are already there, watching and cheering even when they’ve paused to fix their mistakes. Yunho doesn’t mind; when he can he smiles and waves to the group of Gemini, who screaming and flail their bright red balloons overhead.
“Yunho-sshi, Yunho-sshi!” calls one of the PDs, and he hustles over. “We’ve got the line-up set and you’ll be in the second half of the show, but one of the acts for the first has canceled on us, so if you want we can pre-record and edit you in later. Is that okay?”
“That’s great,” Yunho says honestly, thinking of the extra hours of sleep.
“Great,” the guy says. “You’ll go up after the new group, JYJ.”
Yunho shakes his head. There’re too many groups these days, he can’t keep up with all of them.
The PD shrugs, too. “They’re from some small agency, but I heard them rehearsing yesterday- they’re pretty damn good! It’s their debut stage, so we’ll need fifteen minutes or so to change the set, but be up on deck anyway, yeah?”
Yunho agrees. The PD rushes away and Yunho goes to tell Changmin the good news.
*
Yunho’s eyes itch but he doesn’t dare rub them, or else he ruins ten minutes of carefully smudged make-up. The concept this time has them looking like hobos, or as one stylist called it “grunge noir” - tailored suits ripped to perfection and ridiculous amounts of face paint.
Changmin comes up beside his chair and Yunho catches a strip of skin through a slice in his shirt. He looks away.
Changmin’s not the judgmental type, but Yunho doesn’t ever want to seem like he’s… abusing their friendship, or something. It’s difficult when they practically live in each other’s skin -keeping it a complete secret was impossible, and Yunho has never been more grateful for anything as that quiet, cautious acceptance from a sixteen-year-old kid who was far too wise for his years. It’s made him all the more determined to never make Changmin uncomfortable.
And, in a way, he’s being easier on himself, too.
“Ready?” Changmin asks, and Yunho sighs, rubbing his hands on his knees.
When he looks up at Changmin he’s all smiles. “As ever.”
The hallway that connects the dressing rooms and the stage is full of concentrated air, sound waves rattling the doors in their frames. Heavy bass drowns out any actual music until they’re almost at the stage itself, but what Yunho hears, he likes.
The PD was right, he thinks, as they walk throw the wings of the stage. The music has a strong beat, catchy, and he’s bobbing his head along to the instrumental break when the chorus cuts back in - and something gives him pause.
He knows that voice.
The shock almost has him stumbling over his own feet, and in that time a new voice rises above the music (and it’s all live, no lip-singing even if they are rookies) and it’s a strong vibrato, not as familiar as the first but enough to send his heart racing, and he’s walking faster-
A third voice, not familiar at all but then they’re singing in harmony and holy crap, they’re damn good, but no wonder, if it’s really-
It’s Jaejoong.
Yunho stops at the very edge of the stage and knows he probably looks struck-dumb, because he really, really is. He can’t help but drink in the sight of him, Jaejoong, dancing earnestly (though still a little awkward, still favoring that left leg) and singing his heart out like he was born to be on the stage.
Yunho always thought he was. He just didn’t think he’d ever see it- didn’t think that opportunity would come for Jaejoong again.
Looking at him now, all Yunho can think is: thank god it did.
“Hyung,” Changmin says, loud enough to be heard over the music but not enough to be picked up by any of the mics. “Is that…?”
Changmin joined SM after Jaejoong left, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t heard about him, or seen pictures. Yunho had kept one- Heechul and Jaejoong and Yesung and Kibum and him, crowded into a booth at noraebong and drinking beer they’d snuck in, too young and too happy and drunk on dreams- he’d kept that picture for years. Thinking about it now, he doesn’t know where it is anymore.
“Yeah,” Yunho chokes out, and- “Yeah, shit.”
Changmin’s eyebrows shoot up. “He’s really good.”
“He always was. He’s even better now.”
“Why didn’t he make the cut? I thought SM dropped him because he couldn’t take the pressure? Doesn’t look like he’s having a problem to me.”
“No,” Yunho says, shaky. That’s been the company story. There’s always a story, for everyone- the public and press, the artists, the employees. Yunho’s one of the few that knows the truth. He’s never told Changmin that truth, one of the few secrets he’s kept from him. When Changmin looks at him, he swallows and deflects the question. “No, doesn’t look like it.”
Changmin doesn’t push it; he might not know the truth but he knows Jaejoong’s a touchy subject. There isn’t much to say anyway- it’s not like Yunho kept in touch with him. Yunho doesn’t know the journey between then and now, how or why Jaejoong decided to come back to this life.
And yet, Yunho can’t help but think Jaejoong doesn’t look like he’s changed at all. He’s older, sure, taller and his shoulders have filled out, his hair is decently cut and his face is thinner, more defined- but he’s just the same. Still, perfectly beautiful.
He’s on the side of the stage farthest from them, and Yunho’s so focused on him he doesn’t even notice the other two until they’ve stepped directly into his line of sight, and that’s where he gets the second shock of the night -Junsu.
Well, damn.
“Hyung?” Changmin asks, noticing his expression.
He jerks his chin forward. “Kim Junsu,” he says. “He was a trainee, too… But when his voice broke something went wrong and they said he’d never sing again. He left SM a little while before Jaejoong.”
“Evidently ‘they’ really don’t know what they’re talking about, yah?”
“Yeah. I don’t remember his voice, not really, but he was a great dancer. It was pretty unfair…”
“Well, looks like they’ve got their chance now.”
There’s an edge in his voice and when Yunho looks at him, his smile is bitter. Yunho understands, and sighs. Every new group, every new success is one more nail in their coffin. They’ve been around seven years -that’s one hell of a run for a pop group, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to hurt when it’s over, and now that they’ve got the end hanging over their heads, every little thing becomes a bad omen.
That his former friends are part of that is pretty ironic, and he laughs to himself wryly.
The song ends, the music cuts out, and the singers stop, breathing hard but beaming nonetheless, clapping at each other, congratulating themselves on their success.
“You know the other one?” Changmin murmurs, softly now.
“No,” Yunho whispers back, but it’s pointless. The trio exit through the other side of the stage and don’t ever look their way.
*
Yunho’s distracted, off kilter; they need two takes to film their song right, and he apologizes profusely at the end. Fortunately it’s the same PD and he’s a nice guy, waving it off. They ride back to their apartment in silence, Yunho all sorts of tense and Changmin knowing better than to say anything, not until-
“Wanna talk about it?”
Yunho doesn’t look at him- he keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling, and a second later the bed dips with the weight of Changmin sitting down, his hip up against Yunho’s side.
“Hyung-”
“It just took me by surprise, alright? It’s nothing.”
“It’s not. You never mess up like that. What’s wrong?”
“I…” It sits on the edge of his tongue, that tricky truth. He swore he’d never say anything, he swore he’d never-
“It’s nothing,” he repeats, but it comes out all wrong and all of a sudden Changmin’s wiping a thumb along the bottom of his eyes. “It’s nothing.”
Changmin doesn’t answer, but he twists and lies down, stretching out beside Yunho. They’re two grown men who are far too big to fit in this tiny single bed, and when Changmin presses against him he hates himself a little for being so grateful.
“Just for tonight,” Changmin says, eventually, and his arm slips over Yunho’s waist. A touch of nothing but comfort. “For old time’s sake.”
Old times. Yeah, right.
*
Inkigayo comes two days later, and of course the new band will be there, another triumphant debut stage. Yunho spends the whole weekend preparing himself, just in case they run into each other. It probably won’t happen; there are a lot of acts, it’s possible they won’t cross paths or even be at the studio at the same time. But, just in case.
Then Heechul calls, early Sunday morning. “Hey. Saw the debut stage Friday.”
“Did you know about it?” he asks, no need for subtleties.
“Yeah,” Heechul says, and it’s not so much a confession as defiance. Yunho could demand for a lot more, how long have you known or why didn’t you tell me or what the hell do I do now, but-
“He sounded good.”
“Hell yeah he did,” Heechul says. “They all did. Bet the boss’ pissing his pants right now, letting them go.”
Yunho chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “Yeah,” he says.
“You’re going to talk to him, right?”
“I don’t-”
“You better fucking talk to him,” Heechul cuts in sharply. “Who gives a shit if he’s mad? It’s been ten years, you moron. Talk to him. Tell him I still think he looks like a chick.”
This time, when he laughs, it feels real. “Okay,” he says. “I will.”
*
So of course he runs into them - he’s introduced to them, even, by Onew because the poor kid doesn’t know any better.
They’re on their way to their dressing room when SHINee’s leader turns a corner and spots them. His face lights up as he calls out to them and Yunho can’t resist slowing down to say hi to their dongsaeng.
He realizes a second too late that Onew isn’t alone, and suddenly two-thirds of JYJ step up behind him, and the kid is beaming at them, babbling, “Oh, hyung, have you met- they’re part of JYJ, the new group- this is Yoochun-sshi and Junsu-”
“Yunho!”
And then he’s got an armful of Junsu, and it’s amazing, because it’s like Junsu hasn’t changed a bit, either. The man is all charm and laughter, and he’s hugging Yunho like ten years have only been ten days, and Yunho folds completely, amazed in the face of such honest excitement.
He’s hugging back in less than a second. “Junsu, so great to see you,” he says, squeezing tight. “Glad you’re back,” he adds, just for Junsu, and the man bounces back with a smile.
Onew looks like a fish out of water, mouth open in confusion, and Yunho takes pity on him, explaining, “Junsu used to be a trainee at SM.”
The kid flushes bright red but Junsu laughs easily. “Ages and aaaages ago,” he says. “I hated to leave, but it worked out for the best.”
“You sound incredible,” Yunho says, in slight undertone, and Junsu’s smile softens- he gets the message. They might’ve lost touch years ago- bound to happen, with a schedule like theirs, Junsu would always have a place as friend in his heart.
“It took a few years of therapy, but…” the singer shrugs, never one to be down for long. “Worth it. Oh! My bad, Yunho, this is Park Yoochun-”
A slender man steps forward, offering his hand. “Hello,” he says, when Yunho takes it.
He offers the same to Changmin, who steps forward with quirked smile. “I’m-”
“Changmin-sshi, of course,” Yoochun grins. “Dong Bang Shin Ki is pretty famous.”
“Yoochun’s heard of you, and he’s from America,” Junsu says brightly, like it’s a secret he can’t bear to keep, and Yoochun colors slightly.
“I grew up here,” he corrects gently. “I moved there when I was twelve, I came back here after finishing school two years ago.”
Onew makes a sound like he thinks that’s the coolest thing in the world, and Changmin nudges him, chuckling. “So you speak English pretty well? I’ve been studying for a while…”
Yoochun nods, and Changmin rattles off an accented phrase that Yunho doesn’t understand at all, and Yoochun’s reply is equally indecipherable, but his tone is deep and smooth, impressive.
“He so way good,” Junsu says, and Yunho understands enough of that hot mess to at least laugh along with everyone else.
“That was awful,” Changmin mouths off, and Junsu squawks in outrage.
“Changmin,” Yunho warns, “Be nice.”
Junsu sticks his tongue out at Changmin, who snickers in response. When Yunho glances over at Yoochun, the man is looking back at him as if to say, what can you do? Yunho likes him already.
And it seems Changmin likes them, too- Junsu especially, although he’s a little twisted so no one knows it but Yunho. He smiles, because their bickering has pulling pigtails written all over it.
He marvels at how easy this feels.
And of course, that’s when Jaejoong finds them.
“Yoochun-” he says, appearing suddenly and stepping right up to his bandmate with the same sort of tunnel vision they used to tease him about, so long ago. “You guys left me,” he pouts, and Yunho is very careful to keep his eyes trained somewhere above Jaejoong’s head.
“Sorry, hyung,” Yoochun says casually. “We figured you’d be with Baek-sshi for a while. Onew volunteered to show us around, we were just talking with-”
Yunho can tell the exact moment that Jaejoong notices he’s there. He sees it like a shock that runs right through him, in the way Jaejoong expression smoothes over, the way he freezes for a split-second and then forces himself to relax, licking his lips anxiously.
Junsu glances between them and his smile slips, just a little bit. Changmin shifts towards Yunho, silent support. Onew doesn’t look like he’s noticed anything; Yoochun must have noticed, but he’s doing a good job of ignoring the tension in the air.
A public hallway is not the place for this; an hour before they go live is not the time.
But here they are, anyway.
“Hello Jaejoong,” he says, and he doesn’t know how his voice comes out half as strong as it does.
Jaejoong turns and his eyes are like knives, cold and tearing through Yunho, dissecting every piece of him, looking deep into him and seeing everything the past ten years have made of him.
Jaejoong licks his lips again, and then he smiles. He smiles and it sews Yunho back together again, and Yunho doesn’t know whether he’s been left broken or finally put right. “Hi Yunho. It’s been a while.”
*
They don’t really get a chance to talk, and after Dong Bang Shin Ki’s live the duo is ushered straight back to their dressing room; Changmin shrugs out of his costume and into a pair of sweatpants and passes out on the couch, while Yunho sits at the vanity scraping make-up off his face.
His back twinges because he twisted the wrong way during the dance, and he feels way too old to be only twenty-six. He thinks about Jaejoong, a week older than him and only just starting out, and snorts, good luck with that.
Another cotton swap gets tossed into the trash, and when he looks back into the mirror, speak of the devil, Jaejoong’s in the reflection behind him, hand raised to knock on the open door. It’s pointless now; they’ve seen each other, made eye contact, and Jaejoong’s fist hovers in the air for a second before dropping down to his side.
His eyes flick to Changmin, then back. “Can I come in?” he asks softly.
Yunho’s pause is a little too long to be natural, but eventually he pushes himself out of his chair. “Yeah, yeah, of course…” He’s standing, now, but he doesn’t know what to do. He waves his arm in front of him, motioning to the room. “We’re stuck here until the bus comes around,” he explains, “all the stylists and stuff went home already. It’s a glamorous life, yeah?”
Jaejoong scuffs his shoes on the floor. “Yeah.” He looks at Yunho, then away again. “I mean, everyone stayed with us, but probably only because we have no idea what we’re doing-”
“It’s cool,” he says, and god this is awkward, so much different than it was with Junsu. But then again, how can it be? “It’s good, you’ll learn a lot from them. The staff makes everything happen, you gotta make sure and be nice to them, or they’ll make your life hell.”
“Learn from experience?” Jaejoong says jokingly
Yunho grins crooked. “I’ve seen it happen to plenty of rookies. They learn quick, or they don’t last.”
“Can’t have that, can we?” Jaejoong murmurs, humor failing him.
There’s a long silence, and then Jaejoong sighs, slumping, giving in. “I really want this to work, Yunho.” He says it like he’s pleading. “I’ve worked so hard, we all have-”
“I know,” he says, can’t help but say. “I’m sure you have.”
“Yoochun’s really talented, and Junsu and I, this is what we’ve wanted for so long, they both deserve it so much… and sometimes I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, still afraid they’ll change their mind or I’ll screw it up all over again-”
“Hey, stop. Don’t say that,” he soothes, stepping in close without thought. “You made it this far, didn’t you? You’ve got a single and a stage and if the crowd was any indication you’ll have at least ten fan sites by tomorrow.”
Jaejoong shrugs but there’s a small smile lighting up his face. “You really think we did good?” he asks, chewing on that lip again.
“Jaejoong,” he says, incredulous. “You were amazing. You’ve got a voice to die for, and you danced... well you danced okay,” he admits, and Jaejoong chuckles. “But you looked like a professional, up there. The three of you will be a hit, don’t doubt it.”
The other man actually seems to be relieved. “Thanks,” he says. “It means a lot, coming from…”
Me? Yunho wants to ask, heart in his throat.
“…a sunbae,” Jaejoong finishes, almost shy. Yunho will take it.
“I guess I am, huh? I hadn’t really thought of it that way,” he says honestly. He can think of Jaejoong as new to the stage but never new to the industry, not when he was there at the beginning- when he knows exactly how brutal and challenging it can be. The ghost of Jaejoong has always been with him; they could never be anything but equals.
Jaejoong is staring at him again, face unreadable, eyes dark and endless, and Yunho swallows, looking away.
“You…” he starts, stopping the moment he feels a hand on his arm.
“I’m really glad I got to see you,” Jaejoong says. “I was hoping-”
And then it’s Jaejoong’s turn to be cut off, because hearing that is all that Yunho needs to cross that last barrier, to step into Jaejoong’s space and wrap his arms around him and hug him for all he’s worth.
“I’m so happy for you, Jaejoong,” he says fiercely. It doesn’t matter that he only found out about this three days ago, that he and Jaejoong are practically strangers, or that JYJ could and probably will overtake them and it’s going to hurt like hell-
He realizes that he’s been waiting for this moment since Jaejoong stumbled into their shared dorm, hand shaking as he packed his things, too distraught to even cry, and Yunho couldn’t do anything but watch him go.
“I missed you,” he admits, and he feels Jaejoong’s arms wind around him, too, his chin digging into his shoulder. He swallows hard and waits for Jaejoong to say something… and what he gets instead is a different voice, sleep-rough and dry-
“If you guys are gonna do anything at least wait until you’re alone, jeez.”
Jaejoong pulls back, guilt and fear in his eyes, but Yunho gives him a smile. He looks over his shoulder at Changmin, who’s glaring at them from the couch.
“Shut up, Changmin. Don’t interrupt. You’re supposed to be sleeping, anyway.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Changmin grumbles, and pulls a couch cushion down over his head. “I’m tuning out. Happy?”
Yunho rolls his eyes and doesn’t bother replying; when he turns back to Jaejoong the man’s eyes are still wide with worry.
Yunho puts a hand on his shoulder. “Not everyone in the business is so narrow-minded, or cruel. We keep quiet, but it’s…” he trails off, preferring to not get into it now.
“Is he…?” Jaejoong ventures, and Yunho snorts.
“I’m not!” Changmin calls out, and Yunho groans. “How many times have I told you not to creep on other people’s conversations, dongsaeng?” he demands. Then, to Jaejoong, he says, “No, don’t worry. Changmin is firmly heterosexual. A porn-addicted, annoying-”
“Hey!”
“-tactless straight man,” he finishes, ignoring Changmin completely.
Jaejoong’s lips twitch, and he peeks at Changmin again. Yunho follows his line of sight, the long stretch of well-defined torso, and knows what he’s thinking. “Shame,” he murmurs, and they both laugh when Changmin makes a gagging noise and rolls over, pulling the pillow tighter over his head.
He thinks, then, it might just be okay.
*
He gives Jaejoong his phone number, and doesn’t expect to hear from him -certainly not that very night, well past midnight and when he’s desperate for a few hours’ sleep. His cell phone buzzes and he thinks about ignoring it, but he checks the caller ID and as soon as he sees Jaejoong’s name he’s jamming the phone to his ear.
“Jaejoong?” he answers. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Jaejoong says softly.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, I just- I thought I’d-”
“Yeah, of course,” Yunho says quickly, trying to smooth this over as much as possible. “Yeah.”
“I know it’s late…”
“It’s fine. I said call anytime, right?”
There’s a soft knock on the door and Yunho twists, sees Changmin in the doorway, checking in on him. Probably heard him talking.
Yunho gives him a sheepish grin and points to his phone and Changmin doesn’t hesitate before turning to go; Yunho can’t really see him, silhouetted against the light, but he thinks Changmin might be smiling.
Yunho and Jaejoong end up chatting for a while, about meaningless things, but small talk can only sustain them so long. There’s a long pause when they’re just listening to each other breathe, and Yunho wonders why it isn’t really awkward, anymore. Then Jaejoong suddenly says this-
“I hated you for a long time, you know.”
Yunho swallows thickly, a lump in his throat.
“I hated you… for not saying anything,” Jaejoong adds. “And not sticking up for me. I hated you for not being stupid enough to get caught. You knew better than to… or maybe you were messing around, the whole time, but you were never careless. You never gave anything away, and I hated that, too.”
“Jaejoong…”
“And I did a lot of stupid things, and burned all my bridges… Then you debuted and I started hating myself even more. I couldn’t blame you, because I was the idiot, and I realized I could have never asked you to give it all up. I saw you doing everything I wanted to do and I saw how happy you were, and I would have done anything to have taken it all back and be in your shoes. Or at least be by your side.”
Yunho inhales sharply, not expecting the admission. He doesn’t know what to say to that; but Jaejoong isn’t quite done, and he doesn’t need to say anything.
“So I’m sorry, because I was really stupid, back then. Even if you didn’t know, you didn’t deserve that hate.” He adds, after a pause: “I went to one of your concerts, you know.”
Yunho just barely manages to recover his voice. “Y-Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says. “I’d just met Yoochun and he wanted to go to the Dream Concert, see a real pop concert. I didn’t even realize you were in the line-up, but when I saw you… that’s when I knew. I wanted to try again. I wanted to reach that level, and be able to look you in the eye again.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong sighs. “Is it weird to say that? Too soon?”
Yunho shakes his head for a second before he remembers Jaejoong can’t see him. “No, it really isn’t. I told you before… I’ve missed you. I want us to have a clean start.”
The silence is long but thoughtful. “I want that, too. But, Yunho, we can’t… I can’t risk-”
Yunho chuckles. “I think it is a little soon for that. But don’t worry, Jaejoong. We’re not fifteen anymore. You think I’ve been a monk this whole time? It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible, either.”
“Still…”
“You have every right to be worried,” he says softly. “But you didn’t just get caught, Jaejoong. You got sold out by someone you thought you could trust. You loved him and he ruined your life.”
Jaejoong’s breathe hitches, audible even over the phone. There’s a long pause, and then he says, “I didn’t love him. Not even close.”
“Oh,” Yunho says, because that’s all he can say.
“But he ruined a lot of things… a lot of chances.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“S’not your fault.”
“Don’t mean it don’t suck,” Yunho shoots back, in thick Gwangju accent, and when Jaejoong laughs, loud and quick, he closes his eyes and basks in the sound. “You don’t have to worry about me, though,” he adds. “I’d never-”
“I know, Yunho,” he says. And that’s that. “I know.”
*
Five months in. JYJ’s got a decent fanbase, even a handful of weekly awards- not bad at all for a rookie group from a small agency and no-name label. In the same time Dong Bang Shin Ki releases an album that’s on top of the charts for almost a week, which is also pretty good for them, lately.
Life goes on schedule; there are times when they’re so busy that weeks will go by and Yunho and Jaejoong don’t have time for more than a few scattered texts. Then there’ll be a stretch of days in which Dong Bang Shin Ki is terrifyingly free, and going over to JYJ’s apartment to play video games and watching Junsu and Changmin squabble like infants is the perfect distraction.
Management doesn’t know about those visits. They don’t keep as tight a leash on Yunho and Changmin as they did when they were younger, newer, and Yunho isn’t going to be the one to change that by mentioning he’s spending most of his free time at a disgraced ex-trainee’s apartment.
Not that he’s giving them any reason to worry… Yunho and Jaejoong are just friends, nothing more.
They’ve always had a connection- an underlying attraction that in their youth never amounted to more than a close friendship and a lot of sexual tension. That attraction hasn’t died, probably never will, but they’re still navigating their renewed friendship and Jaejoong has never once hinted at wanting anything more.
Yunho tells himself it’s enough. It has to be -and in the meantime, he’s happier than he remembers being in a long time.
*
There’s a mishap, a conflict of scheduling, and the five of them are forced to share a dressing room at one of KBS’s buildings. JYJ is getting ready for an interview and they’re being prepped for Radio Star -which is really Changmin’s show, but Yunho co-hosts practically every other broadcast anyway.
Yunho isn’t exactly unhappy with the turn of the events, but doesn’t think they’ll have much of a chance to interact. He certainly doesn’t expect there might be a problem until they’re all packed in the dressing room together, and Yunho is snagged up by the stylist he’s slept with a couple of times. They’ve never been more than benefits, no fuss, all fun, and he thinks nothing of it when Kwanhee lingers over his hair and flashes him sly glances in the mirror and cards his fingers through Yunho’s bangs. It isn’t any different from any other day at the station, except…
“Hyung,” Changmin hisses, sliding close. “What the hell are you playing at?”
Yunho sends him a confused look. “What?”
“Don’t be stupid. Cut it out.” His eyes dart to the stylist, and Yunho would swear his look is almost scathing. Yunho looks around quickly, hoping no one is paying attention.
“What are you talking about?” he demands, irritated that Changmin’s pointing them out, honestly confused- but then he looks around again and actually pays attention, and what he sees shocks the hell out of him.
JYJ is waiting on the couch and Junsu and Yoochun are turned outwards, carefully looking away, but Jaejoong’s in the middle and he’s got his eyes laser-locked on the side of Kwanhee’s head. The non-expression on his face is a little terrifying.
Changmin whistles low under his breath. “If looks could kill, hyung…” he mutters, and saunters away.
Yunho gulps and when Kwanhee says something, oblivious to it all, Yunho finds himself mumbling in reply, avoiding his coy attentions.
The rest of the prep time passes normally and, fortunately, quickly. If Jaejoong stares a little too long at Yunho, and Yunho fidgets with more than just excess energy, well, no one else seems to notice.
But, when they’re all touched-up and being ushered out of the room, Jaejoong follows close behind him. When no one’s looking he fits his fingers neatly around Yunho’s wrist, squeezing once before they go their separate ways.
*
Jaejoong finds him sitting in the stairwell, hiding from the coordis and camera crews and everyone. His costume calls for bright red leather shoulder-pads that are so thick he doesn’t feel it when Jaejoong first puts a hand on his arm.
He notices instead when Jaejoong’s takes a step down and his shoes peak into Yunho’s vision, as limited as it is with his head hanging down between his knees, cradled in his hands.
“Changmin was wondering where you went,” Jaejoong says, and there’s the sound of him sitting down on the step below Yunho. The top of his knee comes into view as well, too, hidden underneath a tight stretch of shiny-sleek black fabric. Yunho thinks their concept is vampires, or something. He hasn’t been paying attention lately -no one to blame for that but himself.
“Yunho.”
Yunho doesn’t want to respond; he’s out here to avoid people, not to start up conversation, even if it’s with someone he-
“Yunho…” Jaejoong says again, so softly, and Yunho lets his head sway back and forth, still not looking up.
“I’m not really up to talking, Jaejoong.”
The hand on his shoulder slips down to his back, to the thinner cotton of the suit jacket, and he can feel the warmth of the touch like he’s sitting with his back to a fire. The image strikes him sharply and he squeezes his eyes shut, abruptly drawn into a memory of a camping trip he took with his class in junior high, when they climbed hills they thought were mountains and sang around the campfire when the sun went down.
“I’m tired,” he says abruptly, surprising himself. He still doesn’t want to talk but the words were forced out of him without conscious thought.
There’s another sound of movement and then Jaejoong’s slipping around in front of him, leaning down to peak up at Yunho. His fingers tip-toe across the line of Yunho’s arm and when he finally catches Yunho’s eye, he smiles.
“You’re amazing,” Jaejoong says. “You’re going to go out there and sing and dance and break hearts all over Korea. You… you’re just amazing.”
The irony isn’t lost on Yunho; could it really be only a half-year since he was the one soothing Jaejoong’s fears, with nearly those exact same words, trying to give him strength?
He lifts his head and it’s just enough that he can lean forward and rest his forehead against Jaejoong’s. Jaejoong’s eyes cross at first when he does and Yunho chuckles. Then he sighs, breathing in the smell of hair spray, cigarette smoke and faint cologne.
“Thank you.”
They’re close enough to kiss.
*
When he first hears the rumors, he can’t believe it. Then, after he gets over his shock, he pulls every favor he can think of to make those rumors a reality. He’s never been one to do anything by halves, and if anything’s worth trying, it’s this.
In the end he doesn’t know how or why, if any of his efforts made a difference. He can see how CjeS would have jumped at the chance for the exposure; he can guess that SM might have wanted some good press, too. Jaejoong and Junsu were SM trainees first, and one of them at least left the company in favorable light.
Whatever the reasons, though, Yunho is grateful. And as soon as it’s official, he’s the one that gets to do the honors of making the announcement. He doesn’t mention his involvement, but it doesn’t matter when Jaejoong looks like he’s been punched, wind and words knocked right out of him.
“There’s no way,” he says, in denial. “SM wouldn’t, they’d never work with…”
Yunho just shrugs. “Yet here we are -and we’ve got a week to practice. Let’s do this.”
This is a collaboration. DBSK and JYJ singing together on a special stage for Music Bank, an a capella performance of an old Gospellers song translated into Korean by Changmin himself - he’d done the translation ages ago but the two of them weren’t enough to pull of the harmonization.
But now it’s the five of them, and there’s just something right about the way they sound in practice. Their voices work- they work. They’ve sung together before, snatches of songs here and there, but it’s never been all five of them, never like this; a concentrated, powerful harmony.
Even their manager -who hovers over them, puffed up, watching their every movement like a hawk, giving Jaejoong the stink eye every time few seconds- has to concede that they’re a strong team.
“You guys are good,” he says, almost grudgingly, and Yunho feels like whooping with joy- a feeling at odds with the nervousness that gurgles in his stomach. He hasn’t felt this anxious over a performance since his debut days and he doesn’t know why; they practice the song to death and their manager is right, they are good. Just as good together as individually, even. And yet the feeling stays, something not-quite-unpleasant, right up until the day of the stage.
And then it’s time- and standing on stage, camera lights in their eyes, the misgivings disappear as if it never were.
When they line up, JYJ on the left and DBSK on the right, something warm settles in Yunho’s bones.
When they start to sing, its five voices falling into one, beautiful whole.
And it’s the strangest thing, singing to a crowd that doesn’t make a sound. There’s nothing -no cheering, no chants, not even a damned awkward cough. Yunho glances sideways at Changmin but the younger man’s got his poker face on so Yunho pushes through, too, and hopes the other three are able to take it and do the same.
When they’re done, it’s still silent, and Yunho has just a second to think what the hell before the whole audience goes insane - the screams are damned near deafening, and even the crew is applauding; when they walk off stage, it’s to more praise and enthusiastic back-claps from fellow artists. It takes less than an hour for the song to become the number one search on Naver; before they even make it back to their apartment, management has changed around their schedules to get them into the studio, because they want a single to sell. Immediately.
*
The five of them, in the studio. Yunho and Jaejoong rest on the couch and listen to Junsu belting it out in the booth while Yoochun and Changmin bend their heads together over a bridge arrangement.
They’re otherwise alone; the sound guy stepped out to get a drink and their respective managers are a hallway away, negotiating promotion contracts.
Yunho and Jaejoong are quiet, content to watch, but Yunho knows there’s something on Jaejoong’s mind. He’s known it since they got to the studio this morning, the way he keeps biting his lip, how when he thinks no one’s looking, his face goes blank and distant, and how when they are he laughs just a bit too loud.
Right now he’s bouncing his foot like crazy, and Yunho wants to reach out a grab his knee and stop it, because it’s making him anxious now, but he holds in the impulse, too conscious of where they are.
Then Jaejoong stands abruptly. Yunho starts to ask, a simple “Jaejoong…?” but he barely gets that out before Jaejoong is grabbing his wrist, muttering “Can we talk somewhere?” under his breath. He pulls Yunho along before he even has a chance to respond.
It takes less than two seconds to get to the door but it’s enough time that Changmin and Yoochun have noticed them. Changmin calls out “Have fun you two,” in a smarmy voice, and Yunho glances back, ready to snap back, but then he catches sight of Yoochun. The songwriter is staring straight at him, eyes bright and knowing, and it kills any words that Yunho thought to say.
He lets Jaejoong drag him out of the room without a sound. And drag him he does, through the hallway, two more, going fast and only slowing to peak around the corners. He never lets go of Yunho’s hand.
They must be halfway across the building when Jaejoong finally stops, pushing them into a room that’s empty; it’s dark inside but the lights come on as soon as they enter, flickering on automatically, revealing a crushed-carpet floor, a small sofa and lonely stack of chairs in the corner
Yunho finally finds his voice. “What…?”
But Jaejoong shushes him, stepping up close. His face goes blank again -or almost blank, because his eyes are dark with disquiet, intensity. He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, and Yunho clears his throat, leaning back against the door casually so he can distance himself from that stare without seeming like he’s backing away.
But Jaejoong follows him anyway, and his breath hitches. “Jaejoong-”
“I’m sick of waiting,” Jaejoong says, like they’re already in the midst of a conversation. Maybe they are, and Yunho hasn’t been listening. “I want…”
He lifts his hand and Yunho holds his breath as he reaches up and brushes his shoulder, slipping his fingers up and around his neck, a gentle hold. Yunho can’t help but tense, an instinctive reaction, but Jaejoong’s thumb dips down to run along his collarbone and he relaxes.
“I didn’t want to rush you,” he admits. “I didn’t want to push.”
“I know. But I’m not so fragile, Yunho. A good push won’t break me,” he says, lips quirking.
Yunho shakes his head. “You weren’t ready.”
Jaejoong frowns, not so much unhappy but thoughtful. “Maybe. But ten years should be long enough. Why can’t we…”
Yunho waits for him to finish, but he doesn’t. His hand is shaking and Yunho lets out a long breath, winding an arm around Jaejoong’s waist and pulling him close- Jaejoong’s answer is to slide his hand down, to hitch the crook of his elbow over Yunho’s shoulder. They're embracing now. Yunho leans against the door and Jaejoong leans against him and together they keep the world outside; they keep this room and this moment just for them.
“I love you,” Yunho says, whispers it into Jaejoong’s hair. A second passes, two and then three. “I think I always have.”
“No you haven’t,” Jaejoong mumbles.
He’s probably right, but there’s more to it than that. “I never forgot you.”
He feels tears against his throat before he feels Jaejoong’s smile. “That’s all I ever wanted,” Jaejoong says, and it’s too much like a sob for Yunho’s liking. Much as he might protest, there’s always been a certain fragility about Jaejoong- a fear of being left behind, forgotten, alone. “I thought, once I’d left-”
Yunho tightens his arm briefly, stopping that before it even begins. “That’s the past, yeah? It’s all behind us. We’re here now, that’s all that matters.”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says on a shuddering breath. “Okay.”
They stay that way a while, and Yunho counts down the time they have left. They can’t be gone too long, not if they don’t want someone sent to look for them.
“We should probably go back,” he says finally, ruefully.
Jaejoong hums in acknowledgement, but his answer is a little different. “I love you too,” he says.
Yunho swallows and Jaejoong pulls back, just enough to look him in the eye.
If he really thinks about it, they could probably be gone for a little bit longer. Their manager’s will be busy for a while yet and if not, Yoochun will cover for them. And Changmin can be quite distracting, when he wants to be.
Yunho squeezes his waist again, and Jaejoong’s smile is soft but infectious.
They’re close enough to kiss -and this time, Yunho doesn’t hesitate to close the distance.
started writing: 5/7/11
finished writing: 7/6/11
master list
It's been a while since I've written Yunjae, and those boys are ♥ I feel a bit like a broken record but I've been really lucky with all my help_japan prompts, as well as the lovely bidders! boxxme, thanks for your generosity and sorry it took so long, haha, but here it is and hope you enjoyed! :)