No, I Never Told You (2)
[part one]
04:24am.
“-Oh shut up and admit it, you could have winked at her and she would’ve had her hand down your pants!”
“You shut up! And fine, maybe -but you could’ve winked and gotten it, too. She wasn’t exactly discriminating.”
Jaejoong wrinkled his nose. “Not exactly my type.”
Yunho chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Not mine either. Wasn’t exactly what I was looking for tonight, either.”
They were walking back from the club, toward Jaejoong’s apartment and Yunho’s subway stop. It wasn’t a long walk; the club had turned on the lights and kicked them out at 4am, and they’d almost made it to the park. It was still dark.
They hadn’t had anything to drink at the club, either, but Yunho was fending off a high born of adrenaline and exhaustion. His ears were ringing and he still itched with the echoes of movement. Morning and reality seemed like a long way off - the wedding a minor detail when faced with the now, this moment.
Jaejoong bumped his shoulder. “Did you get what you were looking for?”
“I think I did,” Yunho said, and gave Jaejoong a sidelong look. “Thank you.”
“”m glad,” Jaejoong said. “You really needed it.”
“I did, did I?” Yunho balked, and bumped Jaejoong’s shoulder back with extra force. Jaejoong laughed and stumbled off the sidewalk into park grass. He jumped back to Yunho’s side with surprising speed.
“Yeah you did,” he teased. “You were totally tense. I thought you were gonna break your own spine. It was disturbing.”
They’d reached the fountain, and Yunho didn’t pause for more than a second before turning to sit on the rim, the cement cold but welcome. He didn’t want to part ways just yet. He lifted his eyes to the sky, black and starless. “Good thing you took pity on me, huh?”
“Hmph,” Jaejoong said, sitting down beside him. “It wasn’t pity, it was empathy. You’re too good a guy not to get some.”
Yunho coughed away the sudden tightness in his throat. “Empathy, huh? Is that what you say to everyone you try and steal away from their own party?”
“Says you! I haven’t forgotten the way you turned up, cursing like a crazy person in my park. Obviously you are a stalker who couldn’t resist my charms.”
“Oh, obviously.”
Jaejoong laughed and pushed at him. Yunho faked losing his balance and then almost lost it for real. Jaejoong had to pull him up and by the time Yunho was standing, the bartender was laughing so hard he was having trouble breathing, and Yunho was in the same state.
They laughed so hard they didn’t hear the footsteps until the guy was halfway across the square.
“Hey, faggots,” he called. They both whipped around, and what little blood Yunho had left in his face drained at the flash of metal in his hand.
It was a gun.
Fuck, the guy had a gun.
“Wallets, phones, both of you, whatever you got,” the guy said, his voice angry and hoarse. He motioned with his gun. His hands were shaking, but it didn’t matter when the barrel was pointed straight at them.
Neither of them hesitated. Yunho had just a clip of cash instead of his wallet, thank god, but Jaejoong wasn’t so lucky. Yunho tossed the money over, unwilling to take a step closer to the guy, and Jaejoong followed his lead. The phones were next, followed by Jaejoong’s watch.
When they were done the guy stepped forward, looking over the pile of their valuables, but as he did it he also relaxed his arm, enough that the gun was no longer pointed directly at them. He heard Jaejoong breath a little easier, but Yunho was too wired, his heart racing.
“That everything?” The guy growled.
Jaejoong shook his head. “Y-yeah, we don’t have anything else-”
“Shut up!”
The guy stood, lifting the gun in their direction once more. Jaejoong shut up, his teeth making an audible click. Yunho swallowed and edged toward Jaejoong, nearly shaking with the suppressed urge to do something.
“You don’t do anything, you hear me?” the guy growled, crouching down towards the goods again. “I leave and you stay here, and shut up, and don’t even think about callin the cops. You hear?!”
They both muttered an answer. Yunho glanced at Jaejoong.
The guy sneered at them. “Good, now-”
“Hey! What’s going on-?”
Three things happened very fast, so fast that Yunho later had trouble figuring out what happened when, or if they didn’t all happen at the same time. But he thought that the words were called out first, an early morning jogger came into square, moving towards them in a misguided attempt to stop whatever was going down.
Second, he thought, the gunman lunged forward, gun still trained on Jaejoong.
Third, Yunho acted on instinct and dived at Jaejoong, and they both toppled into the fountain.
By the time they managed to come up for air, the gunman was off and running, halfway to the other side of the park. The jogger was making a decent show of running after him, but there was no way he’d catch him. No shot had ever been fired.
Jaejoong was speechless, his mouth open like he was in shock. He kept staring at Yunho, and Yunho couldn’t do more than stare back and do his best to catch his breath. His pulse was still pounding and he wrenched his eyes away from Jaejoong, looking around wildly.
The sky was just beginning to lighten, grey seeping into the horizon line. It was almost morning. What the hell was he doing? He’d been running around all night and he’d just been held at gunpoint and now he was exhausted, filthy, and freezing.
“Fuck.” He scrambled to get up and out of the fountain. Jaejoong right after him, and soon they were standing, facing off, dripping onto the cement. “Fuck,” he said again, tasting blood on his lips. He lifted a hand to touch the cut, feeling something like hysteria. “I… can’t believe that actually happened. Fuck, this night is insane. This sort of shit doesn’t happen in real life,” he added, incredulous.
Jaejoong was still giving him a wide, wild-eyed look. “I can’t believe you tackled me,” he said after a moment.
Yunho frowned immediately. “I was trying to protect you,” he said defensively.
“From a bullet. Who does that in real life?!” He sounded pretty hysterical himself.
Yunho had no answer, but was saved from any reply when the jogger came back, hollering, “You guys okay?!”
“We’re fine, we’re fine, thank you,” Yunho assured, but a second later the man had his cell phone out.
“I’m dialing 911,” the man said, breathing heavily. “Holy shit, man, that was crazy!”
He started talking into the phone, while Yunho and Jaejoong stood apart, silent and shivering. The jogger talked loudly but Yunho still had a hard time focusing on the words. “…yes, we’re at the 5th Street Park… a robbery, yeah… two guys… he ran, I dunno- what did he take?”
Yunho looked wearily over the things that the gunman hadn’t managed to grab, still strewn across the concrete. “Looks like he just got my cash and Jaejoong’s watch. He didn’t get the wallet or the phones.”
-Or the ring. How did I not think…? he thought, thumbing the band on his finger. It was Sunmi’s grandfather’s wedding ring, and they’d picked out their own wedding rings, but she had given it to him to wear as an engagement ring. (“So they know this one’s taken!”) Until this moment, the precious metal cold against his skin, he had forgotten he was wearing it; he can’t believe the gunman didn’t see it.
The jogger babbled on, and eventually hung up. “The cops said they’ll send someone down, it’ll be about 30 minutes.”
It was like he’d been doused with cold water all over again. He couldn’t wait 30 minutes. He had to meet his family and his soon-to-be-wife’s family (oh god) in less than four hours. How could he have let this happen? How could he have… god, he’d let his so-called friend’s drag him to a strip bar the night before his wedding. Who did that? And who left that “party”, only to run off with an almost-stranger to some nameless club and spend the rest of the night grinding up on even more strangers who had who-knows how many diseases? He’d ignored every one of his better instincts, and now… now he had to wait for the cops. At this rate, he’d be abducted by mobsters or something and miss the wedding altogether.
He swallowed hard and dropped weakly onto the lip of the fountain once more. Jaejoong sat down beside him quietly, and Yunho couldn’t bring himself to speak. There wasn’t much more to say. What could they say? This night had gone from bad to worse to wonderful to impossibly awful, and Yunho was left reeling in its wake.
“You okay?” Jaejoong asked softly, eventually, but Yunho just shrugged. He shivered.
The jogger was still going on, “…just crazy, I’ve run here every morning for the past six years, I’ve never seen anything like this, not in this neighborhood, I just can’t believe… if I hadn’t come…”
Jaejoong responded, a few words here and there to break the tirade. Yunho didn’t bother.
Eventually, after what felt like only a few moments, two cop cars drove up the access road to the fountain, their lights painting the place in alternating shades of red and blue. It was so reminiscent of earlier that night, the dance club- it made Yunho nauseous just looking at them.
“Everything alright?” the first officer who came over said, and Yunho wanted to laugh in his face. Of course things weren’t alright, but- “Sorry it took so long to get here, it’s one of those nights” - and yeah. Yeah, Yunho could agree with that.
He let Jaejoong and the jogger (whose name Yunho couldn’t remember for the life of him) answer most of the questions, speaking only when spoken to.
“So you were standing by the fountain when he snuck up behind you…?”
Jaejoong nodded fervently, all too eager to help. “Yes, we’d been talking, we didn’t even hear him-”
“And when did you, sir, arrive…?”
“I saw them from a distance, and I only paid attention because I don’t usually see anyone out who isn’t running- it was when he crouched down I noticed the firearm and realized-”
“And since you thought he was going to attack, you grabbed your friend, correct? That’s when you fell into the fountain?”
“…Yes.”
There wasn’t all that much to go over, really, other than the small details. The cops from the first car asked questions and took notes, while those from the second took a look around before driving off to scan the area.
“It isn’t all that surprising,” one of the policemen sighed, after all was said and done, flipping his notebook closed with a sharp click. “This area is one of the city’s safest, even at night, but there’ve been a string of robberies lately… no telling if it’s a ring or the same guy, it’s usually so dark the witnesses and victims don’t get a good look.”
“We saw him pretty clearly,” Jaejoong offered quickly, and Yunho lifted his eyes to the sky, breathing through his nose.
“Do you mind coming to the station, then? If we could get a sketch-”
It was an innocent request- the officers had been nothing but kind, and he knew the cop would let him go if he said right then that he couldn’t, that he was getting married in the morning, that he just wanted to get on with his life.
But he didn’t speak right away- instead, thoughtlessly, like the idiot he was, he looked at Jaejoong first. And Jaejoong was looking back at him, eyes wide and pleading, and Yunho was tired.
He sighed and said, “Sure, why the fuck not?”
He told himself he wasn’t happy for the way Jaejoong looked at him, after.
6:03am.
The police station was surprisingly crowded for the hour. The officers drove them to the station and escorted them to the waiting room (“You’ll talk to Detective Hahn, he’s been covering the case, he should be out shortly”), and there they waited, and waited, and waited.
It probably wasn’t all that long, to be truthful, but Yunho was so exhausted that the minutes seemed to drag on interminably.
“I’m sorry,” Jaejoong muttered, at one point. “You’re- I shouldn’t have insisted-”
But Yunho didn’t like the timbre that guilt lent to Jaejoong’s voice, so he shook his head sluggishly, and mustered a smile. “It’s okay, Jae, it was the right thing t’do.”
Jaejoong bit his lip, color coming into his face, but Yunho had no clue why. Or maybe he did, and he was deluding himself. He looked away, but even as his head turned, his body rebelled and slumped towards Jaejoong, so that their shoulders were brushing.
At some point he drifted off. He didn’t remember closing his eyes, but all of a sudden his head snapped up from where it had begun to nod down. He tried to shake himself, rubbing at heavy eyes, but he only felt worse off. It had been a brief instant of sleep, but enough to tip him over the edge. Every blink it was an effort to open his eyes - and a second, a minute later, his head was snapping up again, the world fuzzy at the edges where his eyelids refused to completely raise. He cursed under his breath.
“Oh, Yunho… hey-” Yunho heard vaguely, as his head started to droop once more, against his will. He felt someone shift beside him -Jaejoong, it was Jaejoong- and instead of dropping into air, his neck straining awkwardly, his head landed a soft slope of fabric.
It wasn’t unexpected -Jaejoong, Sunmi, the police station, he shouldn’t, Jaejoong- but it was such a relief to lie his head down, such a comfort, that he couldn’t resist. He sighed and the tension just flowed right out of him.
True sleep eluded him - he couldn’t manage to really fall under for more than a few moments at a time, but the rest was enough; he felt like he was dreaming, a waking reverie. The sounds of the police station slipped into white noise, and with his eyes closed he could almost pretend they were alone. He could forget himself… he could dream this dream…
He forgot himself. His jacket was half on his lap, half between them, and under its still-damp cover he unfurled his hand, slowly, reaching out.
Jaejoong barely stirred; Yunho’s perch remained undisturbed, but his fingers skittered their way across skin - the back of a hand, the line of tendons and the rough joints of knuckles. Then Jae’s hand turned, twisting round until Yunho’s palm laid evenly over his. They didn’t twine fingers or clasp hands - they simply touched, and stayed, and didn’t move again until the detective finally came for them.
“Mr. Kim, Mr. Jung…?”
Yunho didn’t open his eyes to see the detective’s expression, but he didn’t need to, not when he could hear disdain in the man’s voice, when he could feel Jaejoong tense beneath him.
He sat up, leaning away from Jaejoong, pulling his hand and jacket away as he did. He squinted up at Detective Hahn warily, “Yes, that’s us.”
The detective eyed them both for a moment, before turning on his heel. “Follow me.”
Jaejoong looked at him and shrugged while Yunho blinked hard, trying to clear his head once more. Fortunately, this time he was more successful, and together they followed after the detective.
“In here,” the detective grunted, gesturing to a private room. Inside was a desk far too big for the small room, and four mismatched chairs that looked as old as the water stains on the ceiling. The detective squeezed around to one side of the desk, while Jaejoong and Yunho took seats on the opposite side, a metal chair and one with cushions covered in brown duct tape.
“Right, let’s get this over with. Tell me what you saw.”
Jaejoong glanced at Yunho before speaking up. He started with them being at the fountain, being distracted, and the robber coming up on them-
“You were distracted? Why?” the detective asked sharply, scowling at them.
Jaejoong shrugged, replying, “We were just talking.”
“Just?” the detective sneered.
Yunho stiffened, but again Jaejoong answered, with steel in his voice that surprised Yunho. “Yes, just. What exactly does this have to do with the robbery?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Have to cover all the angles, that’s my job, after all.”
Hahn looked down, flipping through the pages in the file, ignoring them. Yunho didn’t like where this was going. He was dead tired, stressed out, and though they’d given them towels to dry off, the cold moisture of his clothes was uncomfortable, like a cold sweat.
“So to get this straight,” the detective says, “you guys were by the fountain talking… when the robber came on you. What exactly were doing in the park so late?”
Yunho raises his eyes heavenward, breathing through his nose. Fuck. Fuck, could this get any worse? What did he do to deserve this? He felt ready to break -but the detective’s words seemed to only give Jaejoong more strength. He narrowed his eyes again and glared at Hahn. “Come on,” he said, “what does that have to do with anything? We weren’t doing anything illegal, if that’s what you’re thinking. We came willingly to help you out-”
“Sure, sure,” the detective cut him off. Jaejoong glared all the harder, and even Yunho felt the stirrings of anger, indignation on Jaejoong’s behalf, the blatant dismissal in the man’s blithe, “Whatever.”
“Excuse you,” Jaejoong shot back immediately. “We didn’t come here to be treated like this-”
“And I didn’t expect to have to come in early to deal with a couple of gays, but here we are anyway.”
Yunho didn’t know if he was shaking with fear or anger, yet he grit his teeth and bared it anyway. The slander stung, but he knew couldn’t let this get to him, to get angry was to make it true, and it wasn’t, it wasn’t-
And meanwhile the detective’s words seemed to have hit Jaejoong like a blow; he’d sucked in a breath and leaned back into his seat. Yunho felt bad for him, felt so sorry that he’d put Jaejoong in this position… if they could just get this over with; Yunho didn’t think he could deal with more.
The detective had gone back to ignoring them, and a stale silence settled over them.
Yunho looked at the wall, tension in every line of his body -he almost jumped when Jaejoong finally spoke.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he burst out, and Yunho stared at him, incredulous. “That’s it? That’s your big insult, Detective? Two guys together, at night -why of course they must be fucking, the fags!”
Yunho flinched, Hahn scowled, but Jaejoong just kept going. “We’re friends, you asshole. We were just walking home from a night on the town - and you know why? ‘Cause it was his bachelor party. That’s right, you ignoramus, he’s getting married today, in just a few hours -and yet he still came with me to give you your goddamn statement!”
The detective turned his scowl on Yunho, and Yunho clenched his fist. “Jaejoong…” he pleaded, but the bartender was on a role.
“No,” Jaejoong said, gesturing angrily. “We shouldn’t have to deal with this shit. I mean, fuck- yes, I’m gay, is that what you want to hear? I’ve got nothing to hide, I’m not fucking ashamed. But he isn’t, and even if he were, he shouldn’t have to deal with your homophobic bullshit, not tonight.”
He looked at Yunho, who could only gape at him.
Detective Hahn glared sourly at the both of them. “So you and your straight friend were distracted, the robber snuck up and held you at gunpoint, and got scared off by a passing civ. That right?”
Yunho nodded and Jaejoong snorted. “Basically.”
“Good enough. You can show yourselves the hell out.”
“Gladly,” Jaejoong said.
And then he stalked off, leaving Yunho to scramble after him.
06:42am.
Yunho didn’t catch up with him until outside the station. Jaejoong was still walking away with purpose, muttering under his breath. “Unbelievable… so ridiculous… can’t believe- fucks like that in the police…”
He barely acknowledged when Yunho came up, walking gingerly beside him. He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything at all. Jaejoong’s mutterings eventually trailed off,
And Yunho just watched him, not even knowing what to feel, either.
Jaejoong was gay. He’d just… said it, right out. (“I’ve got nothing to hide, I’m not fucking ashamed”). And he’d defended Yunho, stood up for the both of them, even though…
“Jeez, Yunho, I’m so sorry you had to…”
Yunho shook himself, not realizing Jaejoong had stopped. He came to an awkward halt, and when he finally met Jaejoong’s eye the other man staring at Yunho -or really, somewhere beneath his chin. His face was flushed, but whether it was from anger or embarrassment Yunho couldn’t tell.
“No, you… you shouldn’t apologize,” Yunho said, clearing his throat. “What happened back there-”
“Was totally uncalled for. That guy was a dick. A huge dick,” he said, throwing out his arms grandly, a gesture that somehow managed to bring a hint of a smile to Yunho’s face.
“A huge dick,” Yunho echoed.
“You know what I mean,” Jaejoong huffed, but when he looked at Yunho his lips quirked up, too. “I’m still sorry.”
“I know.”
“I kinda flew off the handle…”
Yunho nodded slowly. “You did.”
“But guys like that, they just piss me off so much! I mean, who do the fuck they think they are? Okay, well, that guy’s a cop but he shouldn’t be. And I have to deal with that shit so much-”
“So it’s true?” Yunho asked, before he could stop himself. “What you said.”
Jaejoong blushed again, but lifted his chin. “Yeah. I… kinda thought you’d figured it out.”
Yunho wanted to deny it, but after a second of looking at Jaejoong’s face, quietly confident and open, he couldn’t. He looked away. “I did. Still, that was pretty…”
“Brave?” Jae grinned when he said it, as if fishing for a compliment.
“Stupid,” Yunho finished. “He could have done anything, arrested you, and gotten away with it. If he hated people like- like you enough.”
Jaejoong only shook his head. “Yeah, maybe. But I can’t keep quiet, either. I can’t live my life in fear just because of what-ifs… and I don’t want to lie. Not anymore.”
He sounded so sad when he said it, and Yunho wanted desperately to ask. But his mouth had gone dry, his throat closed, and the words wouldn’t come. He could only look at Jaejoong, and wait until Jaejoong looked back.
When he did, he sighed and smiled wanly. “Let’s go,” he said, and this time it was a question, an olive branch, a gentle change of topic.
Yunho nodded gratefully and they fell into step beside each other. They walked slowly, drawing the journey out even if they both seemed hesitant to break the silence. There was certainly no talk of taking a cab or the subway.
“It wasn’t that far,” Jaejoong mumbled at some point. “If you…”
“I’m fine with this. We’ve got time,” Yunho replied, even though he didn’t. His alarm at home was going to go off in less than two hours, and after that he’d have only another two before the ceremony itself. Jesus, up til this point the night had seemed to last forever, but now it felt as if it had gone too fast. Where had the time gone?
The sun was up but hidden by the building heights around them, the sky still bland with morning. They passed shops that were just opening -a cafe that had been open hours, with the early morning crowd sipping on steaming lattes and chatting in their running gear, their business suits.
If it were any other day, if he hadn’t just been through the past twelve hours, Yunho might have been ashamed to walk by in what were obviously last night’s clothes, wrinkled and dried-stiff as they were. He would have never done it, especially with Jaejoong at his side, looking just the same. But just right now, Yunho was too tired, too shaken to care about their opinions.
He felt as if his world had been rocked. It was still rocking, and when it settled, he didn’t know how he’d stay standing -or where.
“Tonight was…” Jaejoong said suddenly, when they’d walked nearly half the way. “The end was kinda fucked up, but. Everything before, I had a good time.”
Yunho kept his eyes on the ground in front of his feet. “I don’t regret it,” he said, and meant it.
He didn’t think that was the answer Jaejoong was hoping for, though. The other man huffed but didn’t say anything more.
“Jaejoong…”
“Hm?”
“Thanks.” He swallowed. “I’m glad I met you. I want you to know that.”
He glanced at Jaejoong out of the corner of his eye, and saw that Jaejoong was doing the same. He looked away quickly- but, not two seconds later, he sneaked another glance. This time Jaejoong wasn’t looking back, and Yunho looked long enough to see that Jaejoong was blushing, again.
Yunho knew. He knew, and in that moment he wanted nothing more than to reach and grab Jae’s hand, which swung but inches away from his own. It would be just like before, warm comfort, and they could walk hand in hand and Yunho wouldn’t give a damn what anyone might see or think or do.
His hand twitched, and his knuckles brushed against Jaejoong’s, and that’s as far as he got before his nerve failed him, the impulse dying with a sense of weary inevitability.
If Jaejoong felt the slight touch, he gave no indication.
“So, how far is your place?”
Yunho had to think too long on the question. “Oh, um- not that far. From the subway, from your place- I mean, the one by the park, I was headed to last night-
“I know the one.”
“Yeah. I’m only two stops east.”
Jaejoong hummed a second. “Not very far at all.”
“…No.”
They were nearly to that subway stop - or least, to a place where they should logically part ways, Yunho to his train and Jaejoong to his apartment. Yunho looked up at the sky, and noticed that the sun still wasn’t quite shining -clouds were overhead, thin but growing greyer.
“That’s good,” Jaejoong said, his voice carefully light. “Maybe we’ll run into each other again.”
Yunho’s chest felt tight. “Yeah... maybe.”
They reached a street corner, and not paying attention, Jaejoong took a step to the left, while Yunho veered right.
“Uh, oops,” Jaejoong said, coming back, smile slanted. He looked over his shoulder towards where he’d been headed, to the crosswalk sign that was a red hand, Don’t Walk!
“I guess this is where we should probably…”
“Uh-huh,” Yunho said, just the fill the silence.
Jae ran a hand through his hair, only to grimace and pull out a wet leaf. “Jesus.”
Yunho couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head.
Jaejoong chuckled, too. “What a night.”
“Yeah… yeah,” he repeated, affirmed. “Listen-”
Jaejoong looked up and at him. He met Yunho’s eye and Yunho could see his expression so clearly- tired and lost and pleading… but for what? What did he want Yunho to say?
Yunho lost his words again. His mouth moved, his throat convulsed as if he could force them through… Did Jae want him to confess? Did he want him to leave it alone? If Yunho never said anything, there would never be anything to take back. Never be anything to hurt over, to get over...
Yunho wanted to give Jaejoong what he wanted, but he…
“Well…” Jaejoong said. The light had gone green and back again, Jaejoong’s crosswalk sign flashing, telling him Walk! Walk! Walk! Yunho hated that sign. “I really shouldn’t keep you any longer.”
“It’s fine,” he said, automatically, and only felt a little sheepish at the look Jae gave him at that. “Okay, it’s not, but… if- next time,” He hesitated a few seconds, and a few more after that. “It won’t be the same.”
Jaejoong was quiet a moment. He looked down at the ground, scuffing his shoe against the concrete. “I know.”
I’m sorry, Yunho wanted to say. I don’t want it to be. I wish we-
“It’s okay,” Jaejoong said. “I get it. Really.” When he looked back up, Yunho could see that he honestly did. Jaejoong’s smile was soft but kind, and he reached out to Yunho, placing a hand on his shoulder and letting it fall down against his arm. Innocent, but almost like a caress.
Then he took a few steps backwards, and turned, and walked away.
And Yunho would have had to stay and watch him go, waiting for the light to chance once more to let him cross over, away.
Would have, if he hadn’t taken all of half a second to curse himself, taken two running steps forward and reached for Jaejoong, catching him just before he stepped off the curb.
“Wait-!”
08:11am.
Yunho was lying on his own bed, finally. But he wasn’t sleeping, and he was still in his clothes, and his alarm clock was going to go off any minute and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to stop it.
His alarm went off right on time, and he slapped at it with lackluster anger. He rolled back onto bed, and listening to the noises in the kitchen, the sound of cabinet doors opening and closing far too loud in the morning quiet.
He thought about how there have been a thousand morning just like this, with Sunmi cooking breakfast for him in his kitchen like a wonderful friend, girlfriend, fiancé - and how she made those exact same noises.
He closed his eyes, and wondered what the hell he thought he was doing.
He opened his eyes, and Jaejoong was standing in the doorway.
“Was that your alarm?” he said, hovering, biting his lip.
Yunho nodded, but didn’t answer.
“I made breakfast,” Jaejoong said, the shrugged. “Well, I made coffee. I didn’t know if you were going to eat with… anyway, coffee will help. And I could make toast, too, or something small, if you’re hungry-”
He was babbling and they both knew it, but Yunho let him babble, more than content to let Jaejoong do the talking. He liked the sound of Jaejoong’s voice, his light tone and the occasional quiet, deeper timbre.
Soon though, Jaejoong ran himself out of words, too, and he finally came into the room, coming to sit on the bed beside Yunho’s hip.
“Yunho… are you okay?”
Yunho shook his head. No. He threw his arm over his eyes, and croaked out. “Fuck, Jae... What am I gonna do?"
Jaejoong sounded sad. “I can’t tell you, Yunho.”
He pulled his arm up onto the pillow, over his head, and turned to Jae. “Because it’s too late.”
The other man shrugged faintly, but seemed deep in thought. Yunho knew they were both helpless here, and he hated himself for making it so. After a while, Jaejoong sighed and said, “Do you remember I told you I was engaged, once?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “I wasn’t lying. I was engaged to a girl, Miyoung, for eight months.”
Yunho cleared his throat, and said with great effort, “What happened?”
“I chickened out,” Jaejoong admitted. “I knew what- who I was, but I felt obligated to my family, everyone… I played along with it all, did everything I was supposed to, made everyone happy. But I hated myself for lying, and by the end, all I knew was that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t marry her. It was killing me.”
“So, did you- come out?”
Jaejoong laughed harshly. “No. I wasn’t that brave, yet. I got an old girlfriend to agree to pretend she and I were having an affair, and had my fiancée catch us ‘in the act’…” He huffs. “Miyoung broke it off herself. Pretty damn awful, huh?”
Yunho smiled, equally without humor. “If only I’d thought of it.”
Jaejoong didn’t appreciate it, though. He shook his head, “Don’t say that. What I did was dishonest and hurtful. You… you have your troubles, but I know you do care about Sunmi-” God, but Yunho never remembered telling Jaejoong her name. His stomach dropped at the sound of it on his lips. “And you wouldn’t hurt her like that. You’d never be so cruel.”
He snorted. “Oh yeah? You think I couldn’t do it?”
“I know you wouldn’t. You have no idea… the guilt was awful. And my family -they were so ashamed. Even when I came out, later, and admitted the whole story, they were still more disappointed in my lies than my sexuality.”
Yunho must have looked taken aback at that. “You’d be surprised, the reactions you get,” Jaejoong said, leadingly, but Yunho couldn’t deal with that now. One thing at a time.
“Jae, I can’t…”
“I know, sorry. I didn’t mean.”
“S’okay,” Yunho sighed. “Of all people, you should be allowed… I’m really sorry about all this.”
“Don’t be.”
Yunho blinked fast against the threat of tears. He had every reason to be sorry. No matter what he did, he would be hurting someone. If he broke it off with Sunmi, even in the nicest way possible, it would still break her heart, and humiliate her, on what should have been the happiest day of her life. If he didn’t, wouldn’t he still be hurting her, by being dishonest?
And where did Jaejoong lie? Was he still just helping Yunho out, giving him advice? How would he feel, whatever Yunho chose to do?
Yunho wanted to know. But did he even have the right to ask?
He didn’t know. But if he was going to do anything right today, he wanted it to be this-
“You’re amazing,” he said. Honestly.
Jaejoong made a soft noise, his eyes widening.
“You should know. I think you’re amazing. I wish I’d met you a long time ago.” He sat up with sudden energy, coming face to face with Jaejoong. “I don’t know what to do, but if I could, I wish…”
“Yunho, you- you don’t have to…”
“I do, and it’s not cruel,” he breathed. “It can’t be.”
“Yunho…”
Yunho was staring at Jaejoong’s lips and it was almost natural, the way their voice had tapered off into whispers, the way Yunho had turned into him and Jaejoong leaned over him, the way they shared this privacy, this intimacy.
I can’t believe I just met this man, Yunho thought. I wish, I want-
And he sealed it with a kiss.
10:00am.
Yunho went to the church as planned, where his family, old and new, were waiting for him. He went to talk with them, and he spoke evenly the whole time, even when it was the hardest thing he had to do to get through it all. But he had to. He ignored the weight of their eyes on him, and the echo of Jaejoong’s presence- Yunho could feel it, even though Jaejoong wasn’t there. They’d both agreed it would be better if he wasn’t there, even if Yunho wanted his support more than anything.
He was still afraid, still panicked -the feelings were inescapable, even after all of this. Yet there also was relief, of sorts, in its finality.
The silence in his own head was deafening, the silence outside of it strained. He held his body so taut there was a real risk he might pass out. The wait seemed endless.
He had to fight the urge to run, to get away, but this was his family -his strict, traditional, honest family- and he couldn’t make himself look weak in front of them… he just couldn’t do it.
“Jung Yunho, do you take this woman to be your bride?”
He swallowed and it was a slow, slow burn.
“…I do.”
But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you
started writing: 9/21/10
finished writing: 2/13/12
master list
:'(