push, drown (02/03)
push, drown
minsu, jaesu (eventual jaeminsu); pg-13
romance/drama
3,453 words
because of/blamed on/for itsplashes ♥
[part one]
Sometimes, it can’t be helped. Sometimes, fine lines are meant to be crossed.
“Hey… let’s go for a drive.”
Junsu doesn’t even look up; Jaejoong’s voice registers but he doesn’t hear what he’s saying. He keeps on playing his game and assumes the other man is talking to someone else.
“Junsu…” Jaejoong says then, hesitant this time.
Junsu’s head shoots up. He looks around but, it’s true, there’s no one in the room but him. Jaejoong’s hovering in the door way, looking at Junsu with dark eyes. “So?”
A hundred excuses run through his mind in a second. Jaejoong kneads his lip between his teeth and Junsu says Sure, anyway.
“Is Yoochun coming? …Changmin?” he asks later, when they’re shrugging on their coats. It’s almost midnight.
“No,” Jaejoong answers. Junsu shifts his weight to the other foot. For someone who invited him along for company, Jaejoong’s sure not being talkative.
Jaejoong drives with one hand on the steering wheel, the other the center console. His fingers twitch and Junsu knows he’s used to stick-shift, before the company made him get a new car, before the DUI. This automatic transmission isn’t his style.
The radio’s stuck on love songs and Junsu stops himself from singing along. “Where’re we going?”
A shrug is all the answer he gets.
Junsu rubs at his knees, feeling all sorts of awkward. Streetlights flash yellow as they pass by, like strobe-lights on their skin. The farther they go the thinner traffic gets, and Jaejoong starts driving even faster. The rev of the engine makes the whole car shudder, purr, and glide forward.
“Jaejoong?” He can’t help but ask; the singer’s face is half in shadow, unreadable - though he doubts he could have read it even in the full light of day.
“It’s a really nice night, I think,” Jaejoong finally responds, “and I just… really wanted to get away. Don’t you ever feel like that?”
“Yeah… ’guess so.”
Jaejoong nods like something’s been decided. “Good.”
Junsu wants to ask why he didn’t ask one of the others - why he asked Junsu, of all people - but he thinks it’s probably better not to bring it up. He just nods along, and they roll down the highway like ghosts in the night.
Junsu falls asleep in his chair and some staff member takes pity on him, shaking him awake just enough to herd him to a couch in the waiting room. He barely remembers the walk; his eyes are too heavy to full open, everything hazy through the mesh of eyelashes. There’s lots of noise and the lights are too bright and he’s just so exhausted. His hands feel out the couch and his eyes flutter closed-
A hand on his shoulder, jostling him again. He’s laid out on the couch, face smashed into a cushion, and it’s quiet - no one else is in the room but him and Changmin. “Hyung,” the other boy says. “C’mon, wake up.”
He frowns and rubs at his eyes with a lazy fist. “Hn? Wha’s…”
Changmin’s smiles softly. “The shoots over, everyone’s gone home - our turn now. We just have to get to the van before manager-hyung leaves without us.”
He nods, saying Gimme a second even as he tries to shake the sleep out of his head. Changmin hovers over him and when Junsu comes more to himself, he realizes the younger man’s hand is still on his shoulder. Junsu feels every bit of it - the palm cupping the curve, fingertips brushing the hair at the nape of his neck, a thumb swiping across the top line of his collarbone.
“Changmin…” he breathes, not daring to look up. His hand wavers, twitching with the desire to do to something - but he doesn’t, and then Changmin is pulling his hand away.
“Changmin-ah…” he says again, and by the way Changmin freezes above him he knows there’s something going on that he’s still missing, that something he’s supposed to do, but he just… He can’t. He doesn’t know how.
Above him Changmin sighs. “Come on, Junsu. It’s time to go.”
Junsu answers Ok, so softly he’s not even sure if Changmin hears him, but it doesn’t matter because the other boy is already walking away. Disappointment keeps Junsu grounded for a long minute, until he manages to pull himself together and follow.
They’ve never pretended that they don’t have their disagreements. Every other interview they’ve ever had asks the question of what it means to live together with five guys, and the answer is always, unanimously, We have our fights and argue, but we get over it. Because we’re family.
When Jaejoong and Changmin fight, it’s like the air has been electrified. The silence crackles and static makes every hair stand on end. The tension is palpable, and their words and fists are like shocks to Junsu’s system. He can’t escape it even if he could - even rooms away, the two of them are loud enough to rattle the walls.
And he doesn’t even know what they’re fighting about, but ten minutes after the first yell Changmin comes storming into their bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
“That asshole,” he seethes, hands twitching like he’s ready for violence. “Who the fuck does he think he is?”
He tries to ask what happened, but the younger boy growls something that Junsu can’t quite make out and he’s not about to ask him to repeat it. Somewhere outside Jaejoong yells something and they both hear the front door slam. The sound echoes through the apartment and Changmin slumps onto his bed, weakly punching his pillow. Junsu watches as the anger drains out of him; he sees the sort of blank devastation left behind.
This is why Junsu hates it when they fight.
“Want to talk about it…?” he offers hesitantly.
Changmin shrugs as angrily as one can shrug. “No. Yes. No. It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Junsu says quietly. He goes over and sits beside Changmin. Something needs to be done and he tries to tell himself it’s ok; he counts the seconds, bracing himself for what he’s about to do. You can do it, anyone else would. You can and there’s nothing wrong with it- and so he reaches out and takes Changmin’s hand. “It’s not,” he gulps, “-stupid. Not at all.”
But Changmin’s fingers lace with his, even as he gives him a weak smile. “’Guess not.”
Jaejoong hasn’t come back by the time they’re supposed to leave for practice. Yunho’s still talking with the manager and Yoochun’s still getting changed. “He’s probably on the roof,” he says, “Can one of you go get him? Just tell him to come down.”
And, given that Changmin is the reason he’s up there in the first place, that task falls to Junsu. He really doesn’t want to go, but he doesn’t have much choice - he knows they can’t be too late, or else they’ll be up all night.
Luckily, Jaejoong is right where Yoochun thought he’d be. He’s got a seat on a big pipe and a nice litter of cigarette butts around. He wrinkles his nose in distaste - he’s never been fond of the smell of cigarettes, even after living with two chain-smokers for years.
“It’s time to go,” he calls out.
Jaejoong spares him a glance. “Let me finish, and tell them I’ll be down in a minute.”
It’s a clear dismissal, but Junsu lingers anyway. He sees the same stunted anger in Jaejoong that he’d seen in Changmin. The lines of their shoulders read of the same defeat, and he finds himself kind of wanting to help Jaejoong.
“You really should quit,” he says, but against his will it comes out only somewhere between concerned and condescending. “You’re going to ruin your voice.”
“Then it’ll be my fault, won’t it?” Jaejoong says back. There’s viciousness in his tone that sets of warning bells in Junsu’s mind, but he’s speaking before he can stop himself. “Still….”
Jaejoong turns to him with a cold look. “Why would you care if I ruined my voice? I thought that would make you happy.”
It’s a low blow, and Junsu is surprised by how he hurt he feels. He’d thought they’d been getting along. “You… you shouldn’t-” he starts, but he can’t even finish it. Jaejoong doesn’t do anything but watch him as he turns on his heel and walks away, trying to ignore the way the his chest feels tight, the way the air feels too thin.
Jaejoong and Changmin make up the next day, after a long mock-fight and a longer talk. They barricade themselves in the bathroom and don’t come out for hours, but no one mentions it.
The day after that, Jaejoong corners Junsu in the kitchen. Junsu grunts and tries to avoid him, but the older man grabs his wrist. He slides a pack of cigarettes into Junsu’s palm.
“It’s my last pack,” he says slowly. “I’m sorry, Junsu.”
He shrugs and tries to act cool. “’S’okay.”
“Is it?” Jaejoong asks, leaning close, so sincere it makes him uncomfortable.
Junsu nods, and only when he meets Jaejoong’s eyes does he let go of his hand. Junsu walks away and this time, when he feels Jaejoong watch him go, he’s drowning for a completely different reason.
When Changmin and Junsu are chosen to do The Secret Code promotions together, they make a big show of moaning and groaning about being stuck together. But off-camera they give each other conspiratorial smiles and high-fives and yeah, man, o-kays! Either way, the others shake their heads and wonder aloud if they should be worried.
On their first night in Hiroshima, Changmin and Junsu stay up late drinking. Junsu’s flushed and his heart’s floating in his chest, bobbing in time with swigs of cheap beer. Somehow they end up sitting on the floor, playing a slap game with their hands. His knuckles are bright red from Changmin’s hits and Junsu curses his own low tolerance - he’s barely gotten to hit Changmin back once.
When he finally manages to win a game - Changmin too distracted with teasing him to avoid the slap - Junsu laughs so hard he falls over, into Changmin’s lap. Immediately he scrambles to push himself up, but is stopped when Changmin leans down to meet him, forehead pressed to the top of his head.
“Junsu, sometimes, you really... You’re glad I’m here to tease you, aren’t you?”
“Nooo,” Junsu whines, obviously lying. “I hate it.”
“Liar,” Changmin reprimands, slapping his hand again playfully. He pauses like he’s thinking about something important, and Junsu has to focus really hard to wait. “I wish we-” and then his phone rings.
He tugs it out of his pocket and looks at the screen. “It’s Jaejoong,” he says, half-laughing. “How ironic.”
Junsu doesn’t see what’s so funny about it, because Changmin answers the phone and forgets about him. Even from a few feet away Junsu can hear Jaejoong yelling at Changmin, scolding him for hanging up on him earlier that day.
Changmin rolls his eyes at Junsu, mouthing oh my god and go to sleep, I’ll deal with this. He stands on too-sturdy legs and walks into the bathroom. Junsu pouts for a good five minutes before he crawls over to the door, pressing his ear to listen.
He can’t hear Jaejoong, but he hears Changmin.
“No… why are you-… are you drunk?... were, too… what? no, we didn’t… of course not… hey, no. I’m sorry… it was a joke, Jaejoong… filming… don’t get upset… I can’t… Jaejoong…” Changmin sighs and Junsu flinches. “Of course. I do, too. I wish I were there...”
Junsu jumps back from the door. He didn’t want to hear that. He doesn’t want to hear any more - he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.
Junsu prays. He prays so much he thinks that, if he ever quit singing, he could be a full-time prayer.
He prays because it’s a sin to feel this way, even when he wants it so, so much. He’s caught between praying for it all to stop and praying for it to come true. He prays because he doesn’t know what happening between Jaejoong and Changmin and he doesn’t understand those silent something’s, but somehow he’s been put in the middle of it and he can’t help but be afraid. He’s spent years trying to push these feelings, but they haven’t gone away, not yet.
And he’s starting not to care that it’s a sin. He prays just because he wants his heart to stop hurting.
He prays when he injures his ankle and Changmin treats him nice, but Jaejoong treats him even nicer. He sees Changmin giving him strange looks and Jaejoong smiling at him and he gives in, just a little, only because he’s injured.
He prays again when things start to go wrong and Jaejoong starts talking about crazy ideas but it starts making sense. He prays when Changmin and Yunho won’t listen, won’t give in, and when it all ends up they’re moving out, moving on when they don’t want to.
They all take it hard but Jaejoong takes it the hardest. They all knew he would - even Jaejoong himself. For weeks before the decision was made final, he’d clung to Changmin like he’d never see him again. He blames himself for not being able to convince the youngest to join the lawsuit, and Junsu feels the same guilt - he prays for that, too.
Time passes too fast and Junsu counts prayers like he used to count sheep - he has so many, he never makes it through them all before he falls asleep.
Come December, they go to Japan for half-hearted promotions, and even though Yunho and Changmin are in the same hotel they’re on a different floor and it’s the distance of a whole different world.
Yoochun and Changmin have a photoshoot together, though, and the moment Yoochun steps back into their suite Jaejoong tugs him aside, asking question after question. Junsu sits in an uncomfortable chair and blatantly eavesdrops.
“How did he look?” Jaejoong practically begs. Junsu bites his tongue. “Did he talk to you? What did he say? Did he ask about-?”
Yoochun answers his questions patiently, sensitively. They all understand there’s more to this than just concern for another band member.
Junsu almost can’t stand it. He lasts ten minutes before he stands up and rushes out of the room.
In the bedroom he’s actually got to himself for once, he paces and pulls at his hair and wants to punch something- someone. When Jaejoong knocks on the door, Junsu lets him in thinking he might actually do it.
“Junsu…” Jaejoong starts uncertainly. “I just wanted… to…”
“Don’t,” Junsu stops him. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Jaejoong looks down at his feet. “You should. You should want to hear,” he mutters.
“Why?!” He throws out his hands. “It doesn’t do any good - it’s not going to change anything!”
“I know that,” Jaejoong says, and when he looks back up his eyes are solemn, piercing. Junsu looks away. “That’s why I have to know - because no matter what, it won’t change how I feel. And it won’t change how you feel either.”
Junsu clenches his jaw, his fist. “Don’t say that.”
“No.” And now Jaejoong is glaring, too. “Why bother denying it? Are you that ashamed of it? You do, I know you do. I love him and so do y-”
Junsu punches him, right in the gut. Even going on instinct he knows not to go for the face.
“Fuck you,” he says, the curse feeling like acid on his tongue. Jaejoong clutches his stomach but doesn’t stop looking at Junsu. It’s like he’s saying something and Junsu’s supposed to answer, but…
He takes one step back, two. He walks into the bathroom and the moment after he locks the door behind him, he sinks to the floor and tries not to cry.
Junsu doesn’t come out until he’s sure Jaejoong is gone. When he opens the door, Jaejoong is there anyway.
“Go’way,” he says, wiping at red eyes.
Jaejoong bites his lip and sounds almost sorry when he says “No.”
And what can Junsu do? Hit Jaejoong again? His wrist aches from the first punch.
Instead he sits on the edge of the bed, slumping down beside Jaejoong. “I’m sorry I hit you,” he says, and he means it.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Jaejoong says. He turns in to Junsu, leaning close like comfort that Junsu is, for once, too tired to resist. “I was being cruel.”
“No. You were being honest.”
Junsu plans on saying more, but then Jaejoong’s lips are on his and he forgets anything he planned on saying, ever. It’s an awkward angle, an awkward kiss, just two mouths pushed tight together. Junsu thinks he can still tell the difference between this and kissing a girl. He wonders if this is what it’s like to kiss Changmin. Changmin has kissed like this.
“You’re thinking about him,” Jaejoong murmurs, his lips close enough that they might still be kissing.
Junsu’s answer is careless. “Aren’t you?”
There’s something like pain in Jaejoong’s eyes, Junsu realizes, but then the other man pushes forward and keeps on kissing Junsu- so Junsu keeps on forgetting.
Jaejoong lays with his back to Junsu, and Junsu wonders how many times Changmin laid in this position too, memorizing the dark lines of Jaejoong’s tattoos. Junsu’s sweat is drying and his skin feels too tight.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” he breathes. “You and Changmin-”
Jaejoong’s reply is quiet but quick. “No, it’s-”
“I shouldn’t have-”
“It’s okay,” Jaejoong says. His voice sounds so, so bitter. “It’s not like we were-”
“I still-”
They trip over each other’s apologies, faltering. Jaejoong rolls over to look at him. His face is too expressionless- Junsu’s seen this façade so many times, sometimes he can’t help but think of it as boring. Plain.
Jaejoong swallows and his whole body shudders. “It’s not like he doesn’t already hate me,” he whispers. Junsu isn’t quite sure how to answer.
“Then he probably hates me, too,” he finally says, minutes later.
Jaejoong just stares at him, his mouth slowly lifting into a humorless smile. “No… I don’t think he does.”
“How can you know that?” Junsu asks, and his own voice just sounds so, so tired.
“Never mind, it doesn’t matter,” Jaejoong says, quickly, suddenly urgent. His face changes into something desperate, something different and Junsu thinks that this is the sort of different that makes him beautiful. He reaches for Junsu, across the distance between them. “Just, can I… please, please-”
Junsu lets him. He doesn’t know why.
But, afterwards… he doesn’t quite regret it, either.
The next time they see Changmin, it’s backstage, under the watchful eyes of two sets of staff. The three of them arrive first, AVEX having the connections to get them in earlier. Yunho and Changmin arrive with the SM Japan staff just as the make-up artist finishes with Junsu. And, though they’re technically not supposed to be in contact, there’s just no way to avoid each other in a crowded, busy backstage.
The SM staff disperses, and they take advantage of the one moment when everyone’s more worried about getting set-up than keeping their stars closely guarded. Junsu watch as Yunho works his way over to them; Jaejoong is the closest, they share a short but strong hug and strained smiles.
Yunho goes to Yoochun next and that’s when Jaejoong steps further, towards Changmin. He reaches out his hand and they lock eyes - and that’s when it all goes wrong.
Junsu tenses with something like guilt and fear as he watches the two of them stare at each other. Changmin’s face stays blank and no one else would notice, but Junsu sees it, Jaejoong sees it, the way his eyes change from suspicion to shock to knowing.
And they’re frozen, Junsu in his seat, Jaejoong and Changmin standing at odds, in silence. Changmin is unreadable but Jaejoong’s dismay is written all over his face. Junsu prays that they’ll move, that they’ll do something, because people are starting to notice. From the corner of his eye Junsu sees Matsuura-san watching the two of them shrewdly. Junsu thinks damnit, damnit, we didn’t mean for this to happen- but it’s not like he knows what they did mean to happen.
He feels powerless, suffocated in this moment. And all he can do is watch, seeing it all unravel before him. When Changmin turns away, leaving Jaejoong’s hand outstretched, untouched, Junsu’s heart sinks.
He’s a stone dropped into a pond - actions have consequences, somewhere along the line he’s fallen and now, the ripples seem to never end.
[part three]
started writing: 4/3/10
finished writing: 5/6/10
master list
Free Hit Counter
And oh, how the plot thickens! The next and final section will probably take a bit longer, just because it's still not finished and I've got a lot on my plate. I'm still aiming for a week or so, before graduation and real life really has me tied up. Thanks for reading, and comments are always appreciated!
minsu, jaesu (eventual jaeminsu); pg-13
romance/drama
3,453 words
because of/blamed on/for itsplashes ♥
[part one]
Sometimes, it can’t be helped. Sometimes, fine lines are meant to be crossed.
“Hey… let’s go for a drive.”
Junsu doesn’t even look up; Jaejoong’s voice registers but he doesn’t hear what he’s saying. He keeps on playing his game and assumes the other man is talking to someone else.
“Junsu…” Jaejoong says then, hesitant this time.
Junsu’s head shoots up. He looks around but, it’s true, there’s no one in the room but him. Jaejoong’s hovering in the door way, looking at Junsu with dark eyes. “So?”
A hundred excuses run through his mind in a second. Jaejoong kneads his lip between his teeth and Junsu says Sure, anyway.
“Is Yoochun coming? …Changmin?” he asks later, when they’re shrugging on their coats. It’s almost midnight.
“No,” Jaejoong answers. Junsu shifts his weight to the other foot. For someone who invited him along for company, Jaejoong’s sure not being talkative.
Jaejoong drives with one hand on the steering wheel, the other the center console. His fingers twitch and Junsu knows he’s used to stick-shift, before the company made him get a new car, before the DUI. This automatic transmission isn’t his style.
The radio’s stuck on love songs and Junsu stops himself from singing along. “Where’re we going?”
A shrug is all the answer he gets.
Junsu rubs at his knees, feeling all sorts of awkward. Streetlights flash yellow as they pass by, like strobe-lights on their skin. The farther they go the thinner traffic gets, and Jaejoong starts driving even faster. The rev of the engine makes the whole car shudder, purr, and glide forward.
“Jaejoong?” He can’t help but ask; the singer’s face is half in shadow, unreadable - though he doubts he could have read it even in the full light of day.
“It’s a really nice night, I think,” Jaejoong finally responds, “and I just… really wanted to get away. Don’t you ever feel like that?”
“Yeah… ’guess so.”
Jaejoong nods like something’s been decided. “Good.”
Junsu wants to ask why he didn’t ask one of the others - why he asked Junsu, of all people - but he thinks it’s probably better not to bring it up. He just nods along, and they roll down the highway like ghosts in the night.
Junsu falls asleep in his chair and some staff member takes pity on him, shaking him awake just enough to herd him to a couch in the waiting room. He barely remembers the walk; his eyes are too heavy to full open, everything hazy through the mesh of eyelashes. There’s lots of noise and the lights are too bright and he’s just so exhausted. His hands feel out the couch and his eyes flutter closed-
A hand on his shoulder, jostling him again. He’s laid out on the couch, face smashed into a cushion, and it’s quiet - no one else is in the room but him and Changmin. “Hyung,” the other boy says. “C’mon, wake up.”
He frowns and rubs at his eyes with a lazy fist. “Hn? Wha’s…”
Changmin’s smiles softly. “The shoots over, everyone’s gone home - our turn now. We just have to get to the van before manager-hyung leaves without us.”
He nods, saying Gimme a second even as he tries to shake the sleep out of his head. Changmin hovers over him and when Junsu comes more to himself, he realizes the younger man’s hand is still on his shoulder. Junsu feels every bit of it - the palm cupping the curve, fingertips brushing the hair at the nape of his neck, a thumb swiping across the top line of his collarbone.
“Changmin…” he breathes, not daring to look up. His hand wavers, twitching with the desire to do to something - but he doesn’t, and then Changmin is pulling his hand away.
“Changmin-ah…” he says again, and by the way Changmin freezes above him he knows there’s something going on that he’s still missing, that something he’s supposed to do, but he just… He can’t. He doesn’t know how.
Above him Changmin sighs. “Come on, Junsu. It’s time to go.”
Junsu answers Ok, so softly he’s not even sure if Changmin hears him, but it doesn’t matter because the other boy is already walking away. Disappointment keeps Junsu grounded for a long minute, until he manages to pull himself together and follow.
They’ve never pretended that they don’t have their disagreements. Every other interview they’ve ever had asks the question of what it means to live together with five guys, and the answer is always, unanimously, We have our fights and argue, but we get over it. Because we’re family.
When Jaejoong and Changmin fight, it’s like the air has been electrified. The silence crackles and static makes every hair stand on end. The tension is palpable, and their words and fists are like shocks to Junsu’s system. He can’t escape it even if he could - even rooms away, the two of them are loud enough to rattle the walls.
And he doesn’t even know what they’re fighting about, but ten minutes after the first yell Changmin comes storming into their bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
“That asshole,” he seethes, hands twitching like he’s ready for violence. “Who the fuck does he think he is?”
He tries to ask what happened, but the younger boy growls something that Junsu can’t quite make out and he’s not about to ask him to repeat it. Somewhere outside Jaejoong yells something and they both hear the front door slam. The sound echoes through the apartment and Changmin slumps onto his bed, weakly punching his pillow. Junsu watches as the anger drains out of him; he sees the sort of blank devastation left behind.
This is why Junsu hates it when they fight.
“Want to talk about it…?” he offers hesitantly.
Changmin shrugs as angrily as one can shrug. “No. Yes. No. It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Junsu says quietly. He goes over and sits beside Changmin. Something needs to be done and he tries to tell himself it’s ok; he counts the seconds, bracing himself for what he’s about to do. You can do it, anyone else would. You can and there’s nothing wrong with it- and so he reaches out and takes Changmin’s hand. “It’s not,” he gulps, “-stupid. Not at all.”
But Changmin’s fingers lace with his, even as he gives him a weak smile. “’Guess not.”
Jaejoong hasn’t come back by the time they’re supposed to leave for practice. Yunho’s still talking with the manager and Yoochun’s still getting changed. “He’s probably on the roof,” he says, “Can one of you go get him? Just tell him to come down.”
And, given that Changmin is the reason he’s up there in the first place, that task falls to Junsu. He really doesn’t want to go, but he doesn’t have much choice - he knows they can’t be too late, or else they’ll be up all night.
Luckily, Jaejoong is right where Yoochun thought he’d be. He’s got a seat on a big pipe and a nice litter of cigarette butts around. He wrinkles his nose in distaste - he’s never been fond of the smell of cigarettes, even after living with two chain-smokers for years.
“It’s time to go,” he calls out.
Jaejoong spares him a glance. “Let me finish, and tell them I’ll be down in a minute.”
It’s a clear dismissal, but Junsu lingers anyway. He sees the same stunted anger in Jaejoong that he’d seen in Changmin. The lines of their shoulders read of the same defeat, and he finds himself kind of wanting to help Jaejoong.
“You really should quit,” he says, but against his will it comes out only somewhere between concerned and condescending. “You’re going to ruin your voice.”
“Then it’ll be my fault, won’t it?” Jaejoong says back. There’s viciousness in his tone that sets of warning bells in Junsu’s mind, but he’s speaking before he can stop himself. “Still….”
Jaejoong turns to him with a cold look. “Why would you care if I ruined my voice? I thought that would make you happy.”
It’s a low blow, and Junsu is surprised by how he hurt he feels. He’d thought they’d been getting along. “You… you shouldn’t-” he starts, but he can’t even finish it. Jaejoong doesn’t do anything but watch him as he turns on his heel and walks away, trying to ignore the way the his chest feels tight, the way the air feels too thin.
Jaejoong and Changmin make up the next day, after a long mock-fight and a longer talk. They barricade themselves in the bathroom and don’t come out for hours, but no one mentions it.
The day after that, Jaejoong corners Junsu in the kitchen. Junsu grunts and tries to avoid him, but the older man grabs his wrist. He slides a pack of cigarettes into Junsu’s palm.
“It’s my last pack,” he says slowly. “I’m sorry, Junsu.”
He shrugs and tries to act cool. “’S’okay.”
“Is it?” Jaejoong asks, leaning close, so sincere it makes him uncomfortable.
Junsu nods, and only when he meets Jaejoong’s eyes does he let go of his hand. Junsu walks away and this time, when he feels Jaejoong watch him go, he’s drowning for a completely different reason.
When Changmin and Junsu are chosen to do The Secret Code promotions together, they make a big show of moaning and groaning about being stuck together. But off-camera they give each other conspiratorial smiles and high-fives and yeah, man, o-kays! Either way, the others shake their heads and wonder aloud if they should be worried.
On their first night in Hiroshima, Changmin and Junsu stay up late drinking. Junsu’s flushed and his heart’s floating in his chest, bobbing in time with swigs of cheap beer. Somehow they end up sitting on the floor, playing a slap game with their hands. His knuckles are bright red from Changmin’s hits and Junsu curses his own low tolerance - he’s barely gotten to hit Changmin back once.
When he finally manages to win a game - Changmin too distracted with teasing him to avoid the slap - Junsu laughs so hard he falls over, into Changmin’s lap. Immediately he scrambles to push himself up, but is stopped when Changmin leans down to meet him, forehead pressed to the top of his head.
“Junsu, sometimes, you really... You’re glad I’m here to tease you, aren’t you?”
“Nooo,” Junsu whines, obviously lying. “I hate it.”
“Liar,” Changmin reprimands, slapping his hand again playfully. He pauses like he’s thinking about something important, and Junsu has to focus really hard to wait. “I wish we-” and then his phone rings.
He tugs it out of his pocket and looks at the screen. “It’s Jaejoong,” he says, half-laughing. “How ironic.”
Junsu doesn’t see what’s so funny about it, because Changmin answers the phone and forgets about him. Even from a few feet away Junsu can hear Jaejoong yelling at Changmin, scolding him for hanging up on him earlier that day.
Changmin rolls his eyes at Junsu, mouthing oh my god and go to sleep, I’ll deal with this. He stands on too-sturdy legs and walks into the bathroom. Junsu pouts for a good five minutes before he crawls over to the door, pressing his ear to listen.
He can’t hear Jaejoong, but he hears Changmin.
“No… why are you-… are you drunk?... were, too… what? no, we didn’t… of course not… hey, no. I’m sorry… it was a joke, Jaejoong… filming… don’t get upset… I can’t… Jaejoong…” Changmin sighs and Junsu flinches. “Of course. I do, too. I wish I were there...”
Junsu jumps back from the door. He didn’t want to hear that. He doesn’t want to hear any more - he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.
Junsu prays. He prays so much he thinks that, if he ever quit singing, he could be a full-time prayer.
He prays because it’s a sin to feel this way, even when he wants it so, so much. He’s caught between praying for it all to stop and praying for it to come true. He prays because he doesn’t know what happening between Jaejoong and Changmin and he doesn’t understand those silent something’s, but somehow he’s been put in the middle of it and he can’t help but be afraid. He’s spent years trying to push these feelings, but they haven’t gone away, not yet.
And he’s starting not to care that it’s a sin. He prays just because he wants his heart to stop hurting.
He prays when he injures his ankle and Changmin treats him nice, but Jaejoong treats him even nicer. He sees Changmin giving him strange looks and Jaejoong smiling at him and he gives in, just a little, only because he’s injured.
He prays again when things start to go wrong and Jaejoong starts talking about crazy ideas but it starts making sense. He prays when Changmin and Yunho won’t listen, won’t give in, and when it all ends up they’re moving out, moving on when they don’t want to.
They all take it hard but Jaejoong takes it the hardest. They all knew he would - even Jaejoong himself. For weeks before the decision was made final, he’d clung to Changmin like he’d never see him again. He blames himself for not being able to convince the youngest to join the lawsuit, and Junsu feels the same guilt - he prays for that, too.
Time passes too fast and Junsu counts prayers like he used to count sheep - he has so many, he never makes it through them all before he falls asleep.
Come December, they go to Japan for half-hearted promotions, and even though Yunho and Changmin are in the same hotel they’re on a different floor and it’s the distance of a whole different world.
Yoochun and Changmin have a photoshoot together, though, and the moment Yoochun steps back into their suite Jaejoong tugs him aside, asking question after question. Junsu sits in an uncomfortable chair and blatantly eavesdrops.
“How did he look?” Jaejoong practically begs. Junsu bites his tongue. “Did he talk to you? What did he say? Did he ask about-?”
Yoochun answers his questions patiently, sensitively. They all understand there’s more to this than just concern for another band member.
Junsu almost can’t stand it. He lasts ten minutes before he stands up and rushes out of the room.
In the bedroom he’s actually got to himself for once, he paces and pulls at his hair and wants to punch something- someone. When Jaejoong knocks on the door, Junsu lets him in thinking he might actually do it.
“Junsu…” Jaejoong starts uncertainly. “I just wanted… to…”
“Don’t,” Junsu stops him. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Jaejoong looks down at his feet. “You should. You should want to hear,” he mutters.
“Why?!” He throws out his hands. “It doesn’t do any good - it’s not going to change anything!”
“I know that,” Jaejoong says, and when he looks back up his eyes are solemn, piercing. Junsu looks away. “That’s why I have to know - because no matter what, it won’t change how I feel. And it won’t change how you feel either.”
Junsu clenches his jaw, his fist. “Don’t say that.”
“No.” And now Jaejoong is glaring, too. “Why bother denying it? Are you that ashamed of it? You do, I know you do. I love him and so do y-”
Junsu punches him, right in the gut. Even going on instinct he knows not to go for the face.
“Fuck you,” he says, the curse feeling like acid on his tongue. Jaejoong clutches his stomach but doesn’t stop looking at Junsu. It’s like he’s saying something and Junsu’s supposed to answer, but…
He takes one step back, two. He walks into the bathroom and the moment after he locks the door behind him, he sinks to the floor and tries not to cry.
Junsu doesn’t come out until he’s sure Jaejoong is gone. When he opens the door, Jaejoong is there anyway.
“Go’way,” he says, wiping at red eyes.
Jaejoong bites his lip and sounds almost sorry when he says “No.”
And what can Junsu do? Hit Jaejoong again? His wrist aches from the first punch.
Instead he sits on the edge of the bed, slumping down beside Jaejoong. “I’m sorry I hit you,” he says, and he means it.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Jaejoong says. He turns in to Junsu, leaning close like comfort that Junsu is, for once, too tired to resist. “I was being cruel.”
“No. You were being honest.”
Junsu plans on saying more, but then Jaejoong’s lips are on his and he forgets anything he planned on saying, ever. It’s an awkward angle, an awkward kiss, just two mouths pushed tight together. Junsu thinks he can still tell the difference between this and kissing a girl. He wonders if this is what it’s like to kiss Changmin. Changmin has kissed like this.
“You’re thinking about him,” Jaejoong murmurs, his lips close enough that they might still be kissing.
Junsu’s answer is careless. “Aren’t you?”
There’s something like pain in Jaejoong’s eyes, Junsu realizes, but then the other man pushes forward and keeps on kissing Junsu- so Junsu keeps on forgetting.
Jaejoong lays with his back to Junsu, and Junsu wonders how many times Changmin laid in this position too, memorizing the dark lines of Jaejoong’s tattoos. Junsu’s sweat is drying and his skin feels too tight.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” he breathes. “You and Changmin-”
Jaejoong’s reply is quiet but quick. “No, it’s-”
“I shouldn’t have-”
“It’s okay,” Jaejoong says. His voice sounds so, so bitter. “It’s not like we were-”
“I still-”
They trip over each other’s apologies, faltering. Jaejoong rolls over to look at him. His face is too expressionless- Junsu’s seen this façade so many times, sometimes he can’t help but think of it as boring. Plain.
Jaejoong swallows and his whole body shudders. “It’s not like he doesn’t already hate me,” he whispers. Junsu isn’t quite sure how to answer.
“Then he probably hates me, too,” he finally says, minutes later.
Jaejoong just stares at him, his mouth slowly lifting into a humorless smile. “No… I don’t think he does.”
“How can you know that?” Junsu asks, and his own voice just sounds so, so tired.
“Never mind, it doesn’t matter,” Jaejoong says, quickly, suddenly urgent. His face changes into something desperate, something different and Junsu thinks that this is the sort of different that makes him beautiful. He reaches for Junsu, across the distance between them. “Just, can I… please, please-”
Junsu lets him. He doesn’t know why.
But, afterwards… he doesn’t quite regret it, either.
The next time they see Changmin, it’s backstage, under the watchful eyes of two sets of staff. The three of them arrive first, AVEX having the connections to get them in earlier. Yunho and Changmin arrive with the SM Japan staff just as the make-up artist finishes with Junsu. And, though they’re technically not supposed to be in contact, there’s just no way to avoid each other in a crowded, busy backstage.
The SM staff disperses, and they take advantage of the one moment when everyone’s more worried about getting set-up than keeping their stars closely guarded. Junsu watch as Yunho works his way over to them; Jaejoong is the closest, they share a short but strong hug and strained smiles.
Yunho goes to Yoochun next and that’s when Jaejoong steps further, towards Changmin. He reaches out his hand and they lock eyes - and that’s when it all goes wrong.
Junsu tenses with something like guilt and fear as he watches the two of them stare at each other. Changmin’s face stays blank and no one else would notice, but Junsu sees it, Jaejoong sees it, the way his eyes change from suspicion to shock to knowing.
And they’re frozen, Junsu in his seat, Jaejoong and Changmin standing at odds, in silence. Changmin is unreadable but Jaejoong’s dismay is written all over his face. Junsu prays that they’ll move, that they’ll do something, because people are starting to notice. From the corner of his eye Junsu sees Matsuura-san watching the two of them shrewdly. Junsu thinks damnit, damnit, we didn’t mean for this to happen- but it’s not like he knows what they did mean to happen.
He feels powerless, suffocated in this moment. And all he can do is watch, seeing it all unravel before him. When Changmin turns away, leaving Jaejoong’s hand outstretched, untouched, Junsu’s heart sinks.
He’s a stone dropped into a pond - actions have consequences, somewhere along the line he’s fallen and now, the ripples seem to never end.
[part three]
started writing: 4/3/10
finished writing: 5/6/10
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And oh, how the plot thickens! The next and final section will probably take a bit longer, just because it's still not finished and I've got a lot on my plate. I'm still aiming for a week or so, before graduation and real life really has me tied up. Thanks for reading, and comments are always appreciated!