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Dead Baby Jokes
What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby get for Christmas?
Cancer
When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if it’s born dead they can make soup.
Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
What is red and dripping and is creeping up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.
What's a foot long, blue and makes women scream in the morning?
Crib death.
What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What's more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.
What's more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower!
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of its head and let it rise to the surface.
What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.
What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.
What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?
One live one in the middle is eating its way out.
What is the next most disgusting thing?
The baby going back for seconds.
What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a Zip-Lock bag.
What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.
What's red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.
What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
How do you get a thousand dead babies into a Volkswagen?
With a blender.
How do you get then out?
With a straw.
What's black and sits in a corner?
A baby with its finger in a power socket.
What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.
What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
You can't eat sand.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.
What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What's pink and goes black with a "hiss!"?
A baby thrown into a furnace.
What's the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pit bull using a baby.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
What's red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it
Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a Mack truck.
Know what’s worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.
Why did the baby fall off the swing?
Because it had no arms or legs.
How do you know when a baby is dead?
When it doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.
What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A bus load of babies on fire.
What's more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What's pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza!!!
What's the difference between a baby and a dart board?
Dart boards don't bleed.
How do you save a baby from drowning?
Harpoon it.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a brick?
You can't fuck a brick.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match... Woof!
How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw... Meeow!
Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.
What's the differnce between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.
What's a sure-fire way to stop a baby crying?
Use an axe.
What do you do with a dead baby?
Cut off its head, stuff it, and mount it on your wall
What's the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit
How do you quiet a crying baby?
Smash it with an asphalt roller
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends on how hard you throw ‘em
How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
Depends on how thick you slice 'em
What’s the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
You can't store dead babies in a gay man
What do you do when a baby’s head falls beside you?
Run...the body has to land somewhere
What does a pedophile get when he splits a baby in two?
An erection
How do you get a baby down from a tree?
Give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata
How do you keep a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger first
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a VHS tape?
VHS tape won’t start to stink when you leave it out in the sun
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby get for Christmas?
Cancer
When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if it’s born dead they can make soup.
Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
What is red and dripping and is creeping up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.
What's a foot long, blue and makes women scream in the morning?
Crib death.
What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.
What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What's more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.
What's more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower!
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of its head and let it rise to the surface.
What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.
What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.
What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?
One live one in the middle is eating its way out.
What is the next most disgusting thing?
The baby going back for seconds.
What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a Zip-Lock bag.
What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.
What's red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.
What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
How do you get a thousand dead babies into a Volkswagen?
With a blender.
How do you get then out?
With a straw.
What's black and sits in a corner?
A baby with its finger in a power socket.
What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.
What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
You can't eat sand.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.
What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What's pink and goes black with a "hiss!"?
A baby thrown into a furnace.
What's the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pit bull using a baby.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
What's red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it
Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a Mack truck.
Know what’s worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.
Why did the baby fall off the swing?
Because it had no arms or legs.
How do you know when a baby is dead?
When it doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.
What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A bus load of babies on fire.
What's more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What's pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza!!!
What's the difference between a baby and a dart board?
Dart boards don't bleed.
How do you save a baby from drowning?
Harpoon it.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a brick?
You can't fuck a brick.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match... Woof!
How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw... Meeow!
Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.
What's the differnce between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.
What's a sure-fire way to stop a baby crying?
Use an axe.
What do you do with a dead baby?
Cut off its head, stuff it, and mount it on your wall
What's the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit
How do you quiet a crying baby?
Smash it with an asphalt roller
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends on how hard you throw ‘em
How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
Depends on how thick you slice 'em
What’s the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
You can't store dead babies in a gay man
What do you do when a baby’s head falls beside you?
Run...the body has to land somewhere
What does a pedophile get when he splits a baby in two?
An erection
How do you get a baby down from a tree?
Give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata
How do you keep a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger first
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a VHS tape?
VHS tape won’t start to stink when you leave it out in the sun
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.