Dreams Come True
Today, I play in my first hockey game.
Five years ago this week, I quit grad school. I quit for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I was so unhappy I was ready to end my life. I moved back home, went to therapy, and started to reboot. I applied for tons of jobs, got two, and worked. I learned how to drive. I joined a dance troupe. I read tons of books that had nothing to do with grad school, and I finished my thesis.
And I started watching hockey. The Bruins won the Cup that year, and I felt awesome for the first time in a long time. I promised myself that I would someday play hockey. I had no idea how I was going to do it.
In therapy, one of my main focuses was figuring out a way to complete long term goals. I felt like I couldn't accomplish anything, except for very immediate tasks (clean my room, get to work, create a lesson plan, send a letter). The most pressing thing was my thesis, which I was so lost about writing. My therapist and I worked on getting me in a place where big issues didn't seem insurmountable. I felt trapped, stuck, and hopeless; we focused on me becoming more mobile, finishing my thesis, and moving forward from grad school. I took a few driving lessons. I talked to the admin staff at my grad school. I went to a career counselor. Step by step.
I didn't immediately settle on being a lawyer. It took a while for me to decide. I read a lot of books that helped me. I ruled out being a teacher. I went to informational interviews at museums and spoke to literally everyone who would speak to me. But I did it. Step by step.
The dream of playing hockey remained. I taught myself about the game, and the players, and the history. I found other people who had picked up hockey later in life and read what they had to say. I started to think about hockey when I worked out, switching my mindset from weight-loss to strength-gain. It was still unreal.
Last year this week, I took my first ice skating lesson. I learned the snowplow stop and the swizzle and the slalom. It was fun. I am now in Adult Skating Level 4 and I am working on backwards crossovers, swing rolls, and one-foot 3-turns. It's still fun.In March, I strapped on borrowed gear and started a Learn to Play hockey session. I don't remember what we worked on. Stopping, passing, shooting, and skating drills, I'm sure. It was fun. Step by step, I got better. There were some tough moments; humiliation at not being able to do things, pain from wiping out, frustration from not being able to do things, pain from taking a puck to the boob. It was still fun.
At 3:30 today, I will put on my own (used) gear. I will lace up my own (used) skates, strap on my own (new) helmet, take up my own (new) stick, and hit the ice. My team name is the Lightning. I have no idea what position I play. I don't know who my team mates are. I am so excited.
Over winter break, I watched a young woman become paralyzed while playing hockey. Her name is Denna Laing, and she is part of the Boston Pride, the NWHL Boston team. Hockey is a dangerous sport, with serious consequences. I am a little scared of what I am doing, but not enough to make me stop trying to reach my dream. What seemed unreal and insurmountable five years ago, is imminent today. Step by step, dreams come true.
Five years ago this week, I quit grad school. I quit for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I was so unhappy I was ready to end my life. I moved back home, went to therapy, and started to reboot. I applied for tons of jobs, got two, and worked. I learned how to drive. I joined a dance troupe. I read tons of books that had nothing to do with grad school, and I finished my thesis.
And I started watching hockey. The Bruins won the Cup that year, and I felt awesome for the first time in a long time. I promised myself that I would someday play hockey. I had no idea how I was going to do it.
In therapy, one of my main focuses was figuring out a way to complete long term goals. I felt like I couldn't accomplish anything, except for very immediate tasks (clean my room, get to work, create a lesson plan, send a letter). The most pressing thing was my thesis, which I was so lost about writing. My therapist and I worked on getting me in a place where big issues didn't seem insurmountable. I felt trapped, stuck, and hopeless; we focused on me becoming more mobile, finishing my thesis, and moving forward from grad school. I took a few driving lessons. I talked to the admin staff at my grad school. I went to a career counselor. Step by step.
I didn't immediately settle on being a lawyer. It took a while for me to decide. I read a lot of books that helped me. I ruled out being a teacher. I went to informational interviews at museums and spoke to literally everyone who would speak to me. But I did it. Step by step.
The dream of playing hockey remained. I taught myself about the game, and the players, and the history. I found other people who had picked up hockey later in life and read what they had to say. I started to think about hockey when I worked out, switching my mindset from weight-loss to strength-gain. It was still unreal.
Last year this week, I took my first ice skating lesson. I learned the snowplow stop and the swizzle and the slalom. It was fun. I am now in Adult Skating Level 4 and I am working on backwards crossovers, swing rolls, and one-foot 3-turns. It's still fun.In March, I strapped on borrowed gear and started a Learn to Play hockey session. I don't remember what we worked on. Stopping, passing, shooting, and skating drills, I'm sure. It was fun. Step by step, I got better. There were some tough moments; humiliation at not being able to do things, pain from wiping out, frustration from not being able to do things, pain from taking a puck to the boob. It was still fun.
At 3:30 today, I will put on my own (used) gear. I will lace up my own (used) skates, strap on my own (new) helmet, take up my own (new) stick, and hit the ice. My team name is the Lightning. I have no idea what position I play. I don't know who my team mates are. I am so excited.
Over winter break, I watched a young woman become paralyzed while playing hockey. Her name is Denna Laing, and she is part of the Boston Pride, the NWHL Boston team. Hockey is a dangerous sport, with serious consequences. I am a little scared of what I am doing, but not enough to make me stop trying to reach my dream. What seemed unreal and insurmountable five years ago, is imminent today. Step by step, dreams come true.