The Power of Love Chapter 19
Title: The Power of Love Chapter 19 - Counting Sheep
Genre: AU/sad for this part
Rating: G for this part
Summary of this chapter: The last night on Brokeback
Warnings: None just a lil' sad
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or some of the plots - they are the creation of Annie Proulx.
Feedback: Always appreciated! :)
Jack couldn’t sleep. The world was spinning around him, the stars twisting in surreal patterns in the dark sky and the cold pick up truck beneath him seemed to be slipping away. He had been tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, trying to ignore the vortex of emotions eating away at his mind but in the end, nobody could block out the sound of a beating heart.
This was to be his last night with Ennis. The last night up on Brokeback, amongst the high, snow topped mountains and constantly bleating sheep. He had been trying not to be bothered by it for hours but with each minute that slipped by, his stomach churned even more, making him all too aware of his growing despair. He hated to call it despair - attempted telling himself that Ennis was only a ranch hand whom, after the summer had ended, he wouldn’t have seen ever again anyway - yet something just kept dragging him back to the same feeling every time he tried to run from it. It was surrounding him, suffocating him, tearing at his insides and he was terrified of it. Though no words could really describe what it was. Jack didn’t even know himself. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to either.
All he knew was that this shouldn’t be happening. It was only the middle of August, a bitter evening even though in reality, the breezes were quite warm, and there was still at least around a month until the working days ended up on the mountain. That was how it had been the year before anyway. The year before.
No. No. He mustn’t think of that. That would only make things worse.
The sheep still needed to be tended to and even though there were more ranch hands up there, Jack yearned for it to be him and Ennis instead, swapping positions with two of them, maybe Russ and Cameron. He hated those damn animals but for the first time, he greatly desired to be back there again on those wide stretching fields sprinkled with dew in the morning and glowing in the evening. He’d even brave the storms - including that one Aguirre said was coming in from the Pacific soon - and stand through the raging snow if it meant he could just spend one more month with Ennis. He even wished for the old, battered tent which threatened to fall every night. But that was no longer the main thing on his mind about that tent.
Ennis. Ennis Del Mar. Jack whispered that name to himself what seemed like a thousand times that night, loud enough for his heart to hear but not loud enough for Ennis to. He didn’t want to wake him from his sleep which in spite of things, was excessively peaceful. Jack wondered if he was at all bothered with what was about to happen. Of course he had been affectionate towards him throughout the summer - if affectionate was the right word to use - but...he had a fiancée at home who he was just about to marry. She didn’t have a clue what her man had got up to up on Brokeback and Jack knew that when Ennis returned to her, he’d do so with a heavy heart. Because he was the type of guy who seemed to think everything through, worry about subjects he should not be worrying about. But this was certainly something to worry about.
Or maybe not. Ennis himself had said that what they had going on was a one shot thing and...maybe he was right. Maybe it had just been for this summer. Two lonely men up on a mountain in the middle of nowhere for couple of months. Things were bound to happen given the right circumstances. That’s what had happened the year before when Jack first came up.
Don’t think about that.
There was the voice in Jack’s head again. He tried to listen to it and forget about what had occurred the previous summer with Dakota but deep inside, he felt like it was happening all over again. They had got together, thought it was something special (or Jack had anyway) yet in the end, had parted ways and never seen each other since. Jack could barely remember what he looked like anymore. And it seemed like that was reoccurring with Ennis. Maybe it had just been a one shot thing. Maybe they’d never get together again.
This notion made Jack’s stomach twist over even more. Not ever seeing Ennis again. Could he stand that? Most of him tried to insist that he could - he was a strong man, would find himself a pretty girl and forget old Brokeback Mountain - but another part, one part very close to his thickly beating heart, said something else, something very different. It had felt so unlike anything up on the mountain with Ennis though Jack didn’t really know how to describe it in words. Not like Dakota.
Even though that was what he had thought about him.
Maybe his destiny was bound to be without Ennis then.
He desperately attempted to tell himself that this didn’t matter. Ennis was just some ranch hand he’d worked with up on a mountain and they’d just happened to share a few tumbles with as lonely guys. He tried to think it didn’t mean a thing but the more he did, the more it hurt, which was definitely not what he was intending. How could something like that have not meant anything? He remembered their second night together in the tent, the time when he had first been on top, the day off and all of a sudden, there were tears in his eyes. This summer hadn’t meant to be like this.
For a short while, he wished he had never come up. He should have just gone up to his Father’s ranch, even though he was damn hard to please. But then he wouldn’t have met Ennis, wouldn’t have had his life turned upside down. Because, in reality, that was what had happened, no matter how many times he tried to deny it. Ennis, a shy and quiet blonde cowboy from Wyoming, had stepped into his world and now, it could never be the same again. He had thought it was dramatic to be getting together with Dakota the year before - the first time they had collapsed to the bedroll, mouths pressed to each other - but that was nothing compared to this summer. How could a reserved ranch hand like Ennis Del Mar have changed him so much?
Jack didn’t know.
In his mind, nineteen was much too young to be wrapped up in things like these and he still had his whole life in front of him. He would find a pretty girl, like he had thought earlier, and settle down with her, start a family if he wanted. Or he could go back to rodeo. He didn’t think he could ever work on a mountain with sheep again. Too many memories.
At this point, Jack sharply shook his head and fiercely rubbed his eyes, noticing how hot they were getting. He was being so pathetic, acting like this. It was only Ennis, he tried to tell himself. Just Ennis. It wasn’t like walking away from him would kill him. Yes, he hadn’t been expecting to leave this early - a month before the end of summer - but it was no big deal. No big deal. The worst thing was not getting the highest pay. That was the worst thing. That was the worst thing. Nothing else.
Wasn’t it?
Quietly, Jack moaned and leant over the edge of the pick up truck, trying to breathe as much air into his lungs as possible. Even though they were out in the open, he suddenly felt very claustrophobic, like he was being surrounded entirely by something. He wondered how on earth Ennis could sleep and for a while, he was envious of him, wishing that he could just close his eyes and drift off into dreams. It would sure beat sitting here all night and just thinking. Thinking about things he should surely forget. It would certainly make situations easier.
But he just couldn’t. Just couldn’t let go, even though he knew he had to.
It was time to say goodbye and there was no going back. Nothing else he could do.
Maybe leaving would be a good thing. Neither he nor Ennis had to worry about being caught together anymore and they wouldn’t have any more of those damn beans or soup and....But Jack couldn’t think of anything else. And he thought those previous reasons were pathetic. There was nothing good about leaving. He’d even risk more beans just to stay until the end of summer.
Trembling now, he sighed and gulped down a large lump in his throat. From beside him, Ennis stirred a little and rolled over onto his side, moaning in his sleep. Jack tried to smile but it soon turned into a grimace of pain as tears filled his eyes and blurred his vision, trying to keep them from falling. Ennis. Ennis Del Mar. Will ah ever see you again? Or are you jus’ gonna be another Dakota. He left me and never came back. Ah don’t know what ta think, Ennis Del Mar.
‘’ Ennis...’’ he whispered again and reached out to stroke his curly hair, making him groan once more in his dreams. ‘’ Ennis, boy, ah’m gonna miss you...’’
But those words didn’t even begin to sum up what he was feeling. Though he didn’t know what that was. And that scared him immensely. He had never experienced this before.
He knew he wasn’t going to get a minute of sleep that night.
It was time for the night to hear some more of his thoughts, even if his heart was getting heavy with the weight of them all...
***
The final count of the sheep.
As Ennis and Jack lazily led them up the mountainside, knowing that Aguirre and the other ranch hands would be waiting for them, they both felt numb inside. Ennis had heard Jack crying the night before, his face buried in the thin blankets they had there with them, but he hadn’t had the heart to comfort him. He didn’t know what he felt about him anymore. He had made him like this, changed his life and views, and he had only come up to this mountain for money. For him and Alma. Yes, Alma. The pretty girl at home who was waiting for her fiancé to come back so they could marry in November. That’s all that mattered now. Never mind damn Jack Twist. He had hit him and left his mark on him but that was the only physical trace that they had been together.
It didn’t matter about the memories or inward thoughts. Ennis was going to try and forget about him. It was just him and Alma now. Just him and Alma.
He repeated this phrase what seemed like a million times as he led the sheep up to Aguirre that morning, Jack constantly by his side. He attempted averting his eyes from him, strangely not wanting to see the little bruise on his cheek from where his fist had connected the day before, but every now and then, their gazes would cross and that deep blue would try and penetrate his heart. Yet Ennis would never respond and Lord knows how much that hurt Jack, though his mind would never admit it.
It was late morning when they finally reached the trailers, guiding the sheep into the fenced areas, ready for the count. After silently sliding off their horses without even a glance at each other, Aguirre trudged over to them and looked out over the animals with distaste in his eyes. This wasn’t anything new however. Jack and Ennis had got used to it over the short summer so didn’t reply.
‘’ Some a these never went up with ya,’’ Aguirre remarked gruffly with irritation in his voice. ‘’ ...count ain’t what ah hoped for neither...’’ And then, with a knowing and unsettling look in his eyes, ‘’ You ranch stiffs - you’re never no good...’’
Jack nor Ennis turned as he walked away again, yelling something at one of the other workers. The air now felt colder around them now though, and not all because of the weather, and with a sinking of his heart, Jack knew it was almost time to go.
TBC
