Fic: Friends and Foe, Part 4 (GH, Elizabeth)
Title: Friends and Foe
Author: empressearwig
Rating: G
Spoilers: Set Fall 2007. Events don’t correspond exactly.
Author's Notes: This was not my idea. I blame lapiccolina entirely. Thanks to sugarpromises for the encouragement, and to normative_jean for the technical assistance. This story was a bit of an experiment, to see if I could understand and write characters that I’m not particularly fond of. I think it turned out fairly well.
Summary: A circle of friends bound together through adversity; four souls who desperately need things their own families can’t give them.
And the little love I had
For all my friends and foe
And the little lines we've drawn between us all have
Taken hold
~ The Frames, Friends and Foe
Elizabeth, Part 4: on the Outside
I stood close enough to hear you say
"Do as the beautiful ones do"
Tore out my picture from its frame
I just wanted to be one of you
Standin' on the outside, lookin'
Funny how you see the truth
But the feeling does come back to you
~ Sheryl Crow, On the Outside
Port Charles is the first place you ever really feel like you have a family. It’s not a family of blood, though your grandmother is wonderful, but it’s a family by choice. A circle of friends bound together through adversity; four souls who desperately need things their own families can’t give them. It might not be conventional, but it’s yours.
You never thought you’d give that all up.
* * * * *
Leaving Lucky for good is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You know that you never should have remarried him, never should have let him think Jake was his son, never should have fallen in love with another man while still professing to love him, but when you look at him, you still see yourself at 15, thinking he was the most beautiful boy in the world. Giving that boy up, rejecting the man he’s become for another man breaks your heart, even though it’s for the best.
If you leave, the both of you might someday be able to look back at those 15 year olds and remember them fondly, instead of seeing them through the eyes of the bitter, broken adults you’ve become.
You might not be in love with him anymore, but you still love him for being your first everything. You only hope he feels the same way.
* * * * *
You settle into your new house, your new life, your new family with Cameron and Jake and no Lucky, and try to regain your balance. You love Jason, you want to be with him, but you can’t be. Though it wouldn’t have been fair to Lucky to stay, to lead him on, you find yourself thinking that it’s unfair that you’ll never really have what you want. Lucky will eventually fall out of love and be able to move on, but you’re stuck where you are, unable to do the same.
You sometimes wonder if you don’t hate and love Jason in equal degrees.
* * * * *
As time moves on, you find yourself isolated from your family. You and Emily see each other at work, and from time to time when she brings Spencer by for play dates with his cousins, but the promises you both made for girls’ nights in have gone unfulfilled. Rather than the sisterly closeness you’ve gained over the years, there is a careful distance between you. Nikolas isn’t speaking to you, and though Emily assures you that it’s something he’s doing with everyone, you feel that he’s tacitly taken his brother’s side.
Somehow you forgot that they were Lucky’s family first. That you were the interloper in their lives, and that in the same way they once opened their ranks to let you in, they are equally capable of closing them now to shut you out.
You never thought that losing Lucky would mean losing your family too.
* * * * *
One evening you go to pick Cameron and Jake up from your - Lucky’s house. You almost use your key to open the door, but stop yourself and knock instead. You may be trying to be comfortable with each other for the boys sakes, but neither of you are ready for the casualness of letting yourself into a home that’s not yours.
When the door opens to Emily’s smiling face, you’re stunned into silence. You know, you’ve always known, that she and Lucky were best friends. But to see her in what you still think of as your place, with your boys and your soon-to-be ex-husband, is a blow you weren’t prepared for. You know you have no right to be upset. You checked out of the marriage almost before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate, but still. This is your family, in a place you still think of as your home, and to see another woman in your place is devastating, even if that woman is your best friend.
If Lucky or Emily is surprised by how quickly you bustle the boys out of the house, they do their best to not show it.
You just need to get away from the sudden, horrible thought that you’ve been replaced.
* * * * *
That evening, when Cameron and Jake are tucked safely into bed, worn out from their afternoon with their father and Aunt Emily, you sit on a couch that doesn’t feel quite right yet, drink a glass of wine and flip through a photo album. It’s one that you and Emily worked on together, one that features the friendship that you, Lucky, Emily, and Nikolas shared. As you flip through the pages, you notice how often you’re not in the photos. How often that it’s Emily in the center of the men. How happy Lucky and Emily looked to be in each other’s company. How, even when you’re included in the pictures, you’re always on the fringes of them.
Looking back, you start to wonder if the family you though you had was all in your head; if you weren’t as out of place with them as you had been your family of blood; if Emily was the one that had always mattered most, and you’d never realized.
You look back, and wonder if you’d ever really fit
Author: empressearwig
Rating: G
Spoilers: Set Fall 2007. Events don’t correspond exactly.
Author's Notes: This was not my idea. I blame lapiccolina entirely. Thanks to sugarpromises for the encouragement, and to normative_jean for the technical assistance. This story was a bit of an experiment, to see if I could understand and write characters that I’m not particularly fond of. I think it turned out fairly well.
Summary: A circle of friends bound together through adversity; four souls who desperately need things their own families can’t give them.
And the little love I had
For all my friends and foe
And the little lines we've drawn between us all have
Taken hold
~ The Frames, Friends and Foe
Elizabeth, Part 4: on the Outside
I stood close enough to hear you say
"Do as the beautiful ones do"
Tore out my picture from its frame
I just wanted to be one of you
Standin' on the outside, lookin'
Funny how you see the truth
But the feeling does come back to you
~ Sheryl Crow, On the Outside
Port Charles is the first place you ever really feel like you have a family. It’s not a family of blood, though your grandmother is wonderful, but it’s a family by choice. A circle of friends bound together through adversity; four souls who desperately need things their own families can’t give them. It might not be conventional, but it’s yours.
You never thought you’d give that all up.
* * * * *
Leaving Lucky for good is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You know that you never should have remarried him, never should have let him think Jake was his son, never should have fallen in love with another man while still professing to love him, but when you look at him, you still see yourself at 15, thinking he was the most beautiful boy in the world. Giving that boy up, rejecting the man he’s become for another man breaks your heart, even though it’s for the best.
If you leave, the both of you might someday be able to look back at those 15 year olds and remember them fondly, instead of seeing them through the eyes of the bitter, broken adults you’ve become.
You might not be in love with him anymore, but you still love him for being your first everything. You only hope he feels the same way.
* * * * *
You settle into your new house, your new life, your new family with Cameron and Jake and no Lucky, and try to regain your balance. You love Jason, you want to be with him, but you can’t be. Though it wouldn’t have been fair to Lucky to stay, to lead him on, you find yourself thinking that it’s unfair that you’ll never really have what you want. Lucky will eventually fall out of love and be able to move on, but you’re stuck where you are, unable to do the same.
You sometimes wonder if you don’t hate and love Jason in equal degrees.
* * * * *
As time moves on, you find yourself isolated from your family. You and Emily see each other at work, and from time to time when she brings Spencer by for play dates with his cousins, but the promises you both made for girls’ nights in have gone unfulfilled. Rather than the sisterly closeness you’ve gained over the years, there is a careful distance between you. Nikolas isn’t speaking to you, and though Emily assures you that it’s something he’s doing with everyone, you feel that he’s tacitly taken his brother’s side.
Somehow you forgot that they were Lucky’s family first. That you were the interloper in their lives, and that in the same way they once opened their ranks to let you in, they are equally capable of closing them now to shut you out.
You never thought that losing Lucky would mean losing your family too.
* * * * *
One evening you go to pick Cameron and Jake up from your - Lucky’s house. You almost use your key to open the door, but stop yourself and knock instead. You may be trying to be comfortable with each other for the boys sakes, but neither of you are ready for the casualness of letting yourself into a home that’s not yours.
When the door opens to Emily’s smiling face, you’re stunned into silence. You know, you’ve always known, that she and Lucky were best friends. But to see her in what you still think of as your place, with your boys and your soon-to-be ex-husband, is a blow you weren’t prepared for. You know you have no right to be upset. You checked out of the marriage almost before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate, but still. This is your family, in a place you still think of as your home, and to see another woman in your place is devastating, even if that woman is your best friend.
If Lucky or Emily is surprised by how quickly you bustle the boys out of the house, they do their best to not show it.
You just need to get away from the sudden, horrible thought that you’ve been replaced.
* * * * *
That evening, when Cameron and Jake are tucked safely into bed, worn out from their afternoon with their father and Aunt Emily, you sit on a couch that doesn’t feel quite right yet, drink a glass of wine and flip through a photo album. It’s one that you and Emily worked on together, one that features the friendship that you, Lucky, Emily, and Nikolas shared. As you flip through the pages, you notice how often you’re not in the photos. How often that it’s Emily in the center of the men. How happy Lucky and Emily looked to be in each other’s company. How, even when you’re included in the pictures, you’re always on the fringes of them.
Looking back, you start to wonder if the family you though you had was all in your head; if you weren’t as out of place with them as you had been your family of blood; if Emily was the one that had always mattered most, and you’d never realized.
You look back, and wonder if you’d ever really fit