nondisjunction

[easterly]

original fiction (Airports and Hipsters), Embry & Callum, "naked breakfast." & "back to work", writerverse

nondisjunction

Comments

[year_anda_day]

The characters and scene are well set up. You get a feeling for the fondness between the two of them, and a sense of their relationship.

There's a few awkward places, such as-

"It's past eleven, y'know. You're supposed to be at work." A voice reminds him from the doorway, and he waves a hand dismissively in response. Callum chuckles, and the bed dips when he perches on it at his feet. "You owe me at least ten thousand words."

In areas like this, you want to divide things out a bit so you can tell who is performing which action. Also since we are in Embry's perspective and he knows who the voice belongs to, it might be better as-

"It's past eleven, y'know. You're supposed to be at work," Callum's voice reminds him from the doorway.

Embry waves a hand dismissively in response.

The bed dips as Callum perches by his feet. "You owe me at least ten thousand words."

[easterly]

Thanks for reading! I really like these two, and it was my first time really writing them, so I'm glad a sense of who they are/what they're like kind of got established. :D

And thanks for pointing out that bit of awkwardness! I'll be going back and fixing it up later, to clear up all that unclear stuff. I always seem to have issues with keeping who's doing what clear to the readers, so your pointing that out is really, really helpful. XD;

[personified]

This is so adorable. I love how you didn't scrimp on the details and they just seem to exude this perfect warmth around them.

"Never skimp on bacon, Cal. That was awful," Embry takes a huge bite of the golden-brown pancakes, syrup dribbling stickily down his chin. "These're good, though."

Brava.

[easterly]

Heehee, thank you! I just loved the image of these two having breakfast together, and the details just sort of came gushing out. XD

Thanks for reading. ♥

[nonvetrazt]

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