just sometimes
I wish I could just keep my feelings to myself.
About Joey. About T. About everything. People are so opinionated & judgmental. I hate it. I feel sad & yet somewhat at peace...with the way things ended w/Joey. He wasn't right for me but I loved him & I know he cared deeply for me. He finally admitted that he cared as much for me but didn't want a relationship because I have kids. It just goes to show that he didn't care enough to make an exception & try something different. Meanwhile T asks about my girls...he loves telling me about his favorite girl as well. Ava. He hasn't admitted she's his favorite but he knows I know. Things are going back to the way they were minus the texting. He needs a friend & he's not social w/just anyone & everyone at work but I guess he has been talking about his father lately. I just know he wants me to know. I want to hug him but I'm scared. I know he needs a hug, truly. I hate discussing my interactions w/him to my friends cuz they are all so negative. As they should be. I should not care so much about him. Even as a friend. That is his wife's role.....I suppose. I've prayed for 2 years. Why is he still being thrown in my face? Yesterday....1-he doesn't work Thursdays usually but 2-I saw him just perfectly as I came up the back stairwell to start work...I had planned to take elevator but got impatient....& THEN I was sitting in ante trying to finish charting before ending my extra shift & he comes walking through...back to the office & let me know he was able to get his father d/c'd home.
I want him to have been able to take vacation this weekend w/his family & enjoy his time w/them. I want to just be friendly & professional. I don't want to want him anymore. I haven't from the beginning. But I still do. I feel like I'm an awful woman.