No Regrets (Part 1)
Title: No Regrets (Part 1)
Author: novemberbaby86
Genre: Romance, smut, songfic
Rating: R, graphic
Summary: During the filming of Hanadan final, a sudden love confession forces Inoue Mao make a decision: to run away or to confront her feelings.
Disclaimer: How can anyone doubt that they belong to each other? So no, I don’t own these two.
Notes: This is PART ONE to the story. The smutty parts will be in part two, which you won't be able to read yet. xD
Song: The Best Mistake I've Ever Made by Joanna Wang Click here to listen to the song!
It was impossible not to look at him.
He didn't look any different than he did three years ago. Oh sure, maybe his perm was a lot better now. But still, when she studied him very carefully, she couldn't detect anything out of place. It was only when he greeted the staff with a smile that she began to see him in a different light. His confidence was certainly still present but he appeared more sincere than arrogant. A mature aura accompanied his presence and she liked that.
He caught her staring at him and he raised an eyebrow. When the staff members finally left the room, he pulled a chair next to her and sat down with his legs crossed. “What’re you thinking about?” he inquired, as if he were a psychologist, all ready to listen to her.
Right. As if she would tell him that she was just thinking about him. “Nothing. I was just practicing my lines,” she answered and decided to take charge of the conversation before he could accuse her of lying. “Where are the others?”
“Shun-kun is on his way to the radio station for his show. I think Ton Ton is taking a nap in his own room and Shota-kun’s probably gone to grab some food,” he explained. “Say, Mao-chan, you wanna go somewhere with me?”
“Um, and where might that place be?” she asked, getting a little tense. She hated it when guys asked if she’d like to go somewhere with them without specifying whether other people would tag along or not. As a celebrity, she had to be extra careful when going out and getting caught with only one person, especially if it was a male. That was the last thing she wanted to hear from the paparazzi.
He smiled and patted her head like she was a puppy. “Why are you so nervous? I was just thinking about going to eat. I would’ve gone with Shota-kun but then I thought of you. You haven’t eaten yet, right?”
Oh, eating. Well, that was certainly normal, wasn’t it? She stood up and said, “Let’s go eat with Shota-kun!” The moment she started to walk away though, he pulled her back.
She looked down at his hand, which was grasping tightly around her wrist. “Jun?”
He looked straight at her, not even trying to hide his own nervousness. “I have something to tell you so I was hoping we could eat together. Just me and you.”
Just a moment ago, he was the one who seemed so relaxed and even patted her head. But now, he was the complete opposite and this certainly influenced her as well. She knew there was no way she could get out of this one and thought maybe he just wanted to discuss with her the script or something related to the film. After all, he was a serious and professional actor who rarely had any NGs. It was expected of him to have discussions with his co-stars for a flawless performance.
She nodded since she was unable to say a single word. She actually had coherent sentences formed in her mind already but she knew it would all end up being a string of nonsense once she opened her mouth.
He didn’t say anything either since he was aware that the atmosphere had become awkward. Instead, he held her hand as they headed to the exit but he released her the moment they walked out of the room. Only a few staff members were in the hallway but they kept to themselves, not paying much attention to the two main leads.
She secretly wished that the staff members looked their way so that she didn’t feel so awkward. But then again, if they did notice the two of them, things would get even more complicated. And at that moment, she realized what a hypocrite she was. So she believed that she would never agree to go out with a guy as casually as she was right now. But the way he had spoken to her seemed to make her forget her own promise to herself. His voice was like a magic spell and she was just one out of the many women out there who had fallen for it.
She followed him to the parking garage, where it was surprisingly quiet. All she could hear were their footsteps and her own unusual rhythm of breathing. She had no idea why she was following him. She could run away if she wanted to but her legs were obviously under his spell.
She watched as he pulled out a set of keys and pressed a button. A white car was waiting for them, flashing its bright lights, and nearly blinding her. Being the gentleman that he was, he opened up the passenger door for her and motioned her to get in.
“Thanks,” she uttered.
He grinned back at her and closed the door as gently as he could. Then he climbed into his car through the driver’s side and they were out of the garage within minutes.
Their destination? She didn’t know and didn’t feel like asking.
~~
She had worried too much and now felt silly for even being as stiff as stick earlier. No one detected their presence in the restaurant he had chosen. They were seated in a VIP room which only the owner had access to. The two of them looked at the menu with interest but the first thing that caught her eye was something she had always liked.
“They have so many flavors of ice cream here!” she blurted out, finally cracking the thick layer of ice between them. She looked up at him with a big grin and then realized that she had not said a single word since she thanked him for opening the car door for her.
He chuckled as he looked up from his menu. “Why am I not surprised that you skipped straight to dessert?”
“Oh, yeah? I bet you’re looking at the wine selection right now,” she said in a teasing manner.
“Well, at least I’m not going to randomly blurt out ‘They have so many wines here!’ and, just so you know, it’s normal to choose a drink first. It’s a bit strange for someone to look at the desserts before choosing the main course. But then again, you’ve always been kind of strange,” he retorted with a laugh.
“Me? Strange? I think you’ve got that all wrong. You’re the one who keeps on bringing up my embarrassing stories! Now that’s a strange fetish you have, Jun-kun.” She was so not going to let him claim victory over this.
The thick ice was dissolving quickly as he argued back and she felt her usual self coming back. That meant a normal breathing pattern and no more feeling like she was under his spell.
But not once did he mention the “thing” that he wanted to tell her.
Their “date”, if one can call it that, ended with more teasing from his side. She was in the midst of gathering harmless insults when her manager had called her and said that she should head home for some sleep before returning to filming tomorrow morning. All of her belongings had already been dropped off there. She was grateful that her manager had not inquired about her whereabouts and she hoped that it was because she had gained trust from her.*
She and her co-star were now back in the white car and he insisted on taking her home, though she had suggested taking a taxi instead.
“Do I look like I’d let you go home by yourself in a taxi?”
Aha, an opportunity to tease him. “Yeah, you do. From what I’ve heard from your previous female co-stars, you always had a defense wall set up around you. So it makes sense if you don’t want to get in the same car with me.”
He smirked. “Unfortunately, you barged into my territory so there’s no more wall. Moreover, didn’t we just eat in a restaurant where you sat across the table from me in the same room? You were close enough to let me see your pores.”
She immediately covered her face and mumbled, “Why are we even talking about this? If you’re going to take me home, just do it already.”
The smile on his face didn’t vanish as he started the car and headed in the direction to her apartment.
The awkwardness was now back. The emotions she had experienced today was like a roller coaster ride and she wondered where the climax was.
She was walking up the steps to her apartment and he was following her a bit too closely. She knew that if she were to turn around, she’d bump right into his chest. Not only would that be embarrassing but she would probably have a headache later on. But she was given no choice since she couldn’t just tell him to stop. After all, he was making sure she would arrive home safely.
Finally she reached her apartment door and she was lucky that she had remembered to stuff her keys into her pocket in the morning. She pulled them out and slipped one into the keyhole. She then turned around and nearly hit his chest if he hadn’t backed away quickly. “Well, uh, thanks for the ride. Good night,” she said as quickly as she could. But her legs weren’t moving. And neither were her eyes as they stared intently at his face. Was she waiting for something to happen? If so, why didn’t she know what it was?
Before she could even think of why she wasn’t moving, he had already pulled her into his arms, and his lips were touching hers. She trembled but not with fear for she felt like she was touching something exquisite and was in awed of its beauty.
Ah, right, a goodbye kiss. Except they hadn’t been out on an official date nor did they even have the appropriate foundation to reach this level. But she didn’t have the capacity to even think about this as his lips devoured her.
This kiss left them both panting and when they parted, he told her something that she hadn’t even expected to hear. “Aishiteru.” He was panting alright but he was firm on this one.
Aishisteru. It meant so much more than just plain, old “suki”, which was the only word that shared a similar meaning and heard much more often on television than its counterpart.
She looked up at him and for a moment she wanted to laugh. Perhaps he was just practicing his lines. And the kiss, well, it could have been more practice. But when she realized that she was looking at Matsumoto Jun and not the character he was playing, she stepped back and shook her head. “No,” was she all managed to say.
She was shaking again, but this time, she was in fear.
He didn’t let her get away, though. He narrowed the gap between them by moving closer and closer until he could feel her breathing. “Why?” he demanded. “I’ve been in love with you for God knows how long. It’s the only thing I wanted to tell you tonight.”
“No.”
“You don’t love me?”
Could she attach the word ‘love’ to her own feeling for him? Right then and there, though, her logical mind took over and told her not say a single word. What he had just said to her wasn’t logical. Why she was still standing there wasn’t understandable either. So she obeyed her mind when it told her to run into her apartment and lock the door.
As she leaned against the door, she could hear his footsteps down the stairs. They were slow, as if he didn’t want to leave that quickly. If he weren’t a celebrity, she knew that he would probably bang on her door until she opened up, but since he was afraid getting found out, he chose to leave.
She walked over to her window and watched as he got into his car. He sat there for a while, keeping his eyes on her apartment. Even from far away she could see the sadness in his eyes. She turned away and waited until she heard the car engine started. Then, she kicked off her shoes and dragged herself over to her bed.
She normally would fall asleep within minutes of lying around, but she found it particularly hard to close her eyes tonight.
She kissed him back earlier, didn’t she? That must mean something. But she couldn’t find a word for it. Not one at all. She smacked her forehead, wondering why she even needed to find a word to define her feelings. Couldn’t they just be feelings and nothing else? And just exactly why was she hiding from him? Then her mind wandered off to think about how reckless he had been to have kissed her in front of her apartment door. What if the neighbors were spying on her?
~~
One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake
He wasn’t talking to her. She had tried to talk to him several times today, but he only answered her when there were others around. When they were alone, though, she had tried to joke with him and he would look the other way as if he didn’t hear her. There was a huge lump forming in her throat. Every time he ignored her, she felt this lump grow. Pretty soon, she found it hard to breathe when she was around him.
“Mao-chan, what’s wrong?” Shun asked her when they were given a ten-minute break from the director. The two of them walked over to a private corner for a rest. “You look very flustered.”
She stole a quick glance at the cause of her misery and then looked back at her friend. “Nothing. I’m a bit tired, I guess.” She gave him her best smile though she could feel her eyes beginning to sting.
Shun leaned in and whispered, “He called me late last night after my radio show ended. Are you feeling bad because you rejected him?”
“It’s not pity,” she quickly responded. “I know it’s definitely not that.”
“Then what is it?”
She took a deep breath. “I got scared when he said Aishiteru. It’s the first time that someone’s said that to me. And not just someone, Shun-kun. It’s Matsumoto Jun, the man who can perhaps make all women swoon with just one simple pose. You know what that means.”
Shun’s eyes flickered over to her with a raised brow. “And that’s going to stop from loving him? I’ve never thought of you as a coward, Mao-chan.”
“It’s not love.”
He shook his head and began to walk away, only leaving four words for her. “You’re also a liar.”
A liar.
She looked over at him, the guy who had caused Shun to call her a coward and a liar. He was staring back at her with an unreadable expression. She wanted to ask him if she was truly a spineless liar. She could already imagine his response. Yes, she was a gutless person for not even wanting to confront her own feelings. Was it wrong for her to be like that? She certainly had the freedom to choose whether or not she wanted to be involved with someone like him. But why did she feel like she wanted to be in his arms when their eyes met? And the worst feeling was that she felt like she belonged there.
Then she began to panic when she saw him walking towards her. She turned around and looked at the ground. But then she realized that he walked past her and pushed through a set of double doors that led to the dressing rooms. He didn’t say a single word to her. She then raised her head and looked through the small windows of the doors and secretly wished that he would turn around to look at her.
But he didn’t.
She looked around, wondering if any of the staff members caught anything suspicious. To her surprise, they were all staring in her direction. One of them rushed over and said to her, “Inoue-san, do you know what happened to Matsumoto-san? He almost lost his temper while practicing his lines.”
“Eh? For what scene?”
The staff member shrugged. “It’s a bit early but the director asked him to study the scene where Doumyouji-san says Aishiteru to Makino-san on the beach. The director asked him if he could just get into the mood for it, since it can be a bit embarrassing to say it, right? But for some reason, Matsumoto-san kept messing up. I’ve never seen him mess up during filming, let alone practice.”
“Maybe he’s just tired,” she suggested after a moment of contemplation and then bowed. “Sorry you had to witness his temper.”
The staff member bowed back and excused himself while she stood there, debating on whether she should run after him or just leave him be. Just when she was about to push the doors open, though, she was called back onto the set.
She tried to be professional and repressed her worried feelings for him, but she realized that she felt she really needed to see him. But then again, what should she say if she did find him?
Another day of the cold shoulder from him.
She was even more bothered by this than she was on the first day. And what hurt her more was that he would stare at her but wouldn’t make the effort to say a single word. She hated this so much that when she slipped into her role as Makino, she felt like she was falling apart inside. But Makino wasn’t supposed to be this weak. After all, she was the tough weed, wasn’t she? Then shouldn’t the actress playing her character be able to live up to that? But then she realized that maybe Shun was right. She was both a liar and a coward.
~~
As she sat in the dressing room while everyone else cleared up for the night, her mind wandered off to him. It was flipping through a scrapbook that captured the most precious moments between the two of them. She tried to locate the exact moment when she fell in love with him. But she failed. Miserably. She just knew that in every related Hanadan moment, he was there for and with her, no matter what the circumstances were. Sure, Shun, Shota and Ton Ton were part of the project, but they didn’t give her the same feeling that he did. It was a feeling of security and she had longed for it. She understood that as the leading actress in Hanadan, she would be responsible for its ratings, and she did carry a heavy burden throughout the two seasons. Especially since she was not very well-known.
Since she shared the most scenes with him, he was the only who truly understood what she was going through inside, though he never voiced it at all. He was protective of her in a way that made others thought that he was being a bully. During the past interviews, he would always find a way to tease her and she had always wondered if he had thought of her as being stupid. But now she saw everything quite clearly.
He knew of her nervousness every time the interviewer of a certain show asked her questions about the drama. She needed perfect answers for promotions and so the very thought of that made her tense. It was only when he brought up her embarrassing moments that she felt at ease, ironically. It was as if he wanted her to understand that it was okay to make mistakes.
Then there were those short but equally important moments during filming. She had heard about how much he hated to be touched, even by his group mates of almost ten years. But she remembered the time in season two where they were doing an interview and she had caught his hand when she answered that she preferred Nishikado instead of Doumyouji. Had he brushed her hand away? No. And what about the time when they were filming at the ski resort? She had jumped onto his back and he had thrown her in the snow. Did he tell her afterwards that he didn’t like it? No. Instead of getting angry at her or staying away, he just got closer to her.
It was as if he tolerated her everything.
Was there such a guy like him in her life? Only him, perhaps.
And then there was his management company. By declaring his love for her, he had already put himself in a difficult position. But since he had decided to tell his true feelings, then he must be ready to embrace all of the obstacles in his way.
A guy who would risk his everything to be with her was finally in her life and she had rejected him harshly.
At that moment, every logical thought was washed away from her mind, leaving only one thing to do. She called out to her manager that she needed to go someplace quickly. Before she could even say anything, though, she had already dashed out the door. She passed by his dressing room and found that it was empty. She then pulled out her cell phone and called Shun as she rushed out of the building.
“Shun-kun, do you know if Jun-kun went home or not?”
“Yeah, he’s already there,” he answered tiredly. “Why?”
“I want to see him,” she declared as she pulled the hood of her sweater over her head. She was lucky she was wearing a hooded sweater or else she would have nothing to cover her face.
“So you’re finally ready to tell him how you feel?”
“Yes.” A firm ‘yes’, with a very thick layer of confidence as its foundation. And that was what she was needed right now.
“Great. I’ve been waiting for this to happen for a while,” he said with a chuckle. “You probably don’t know this but Shota-kun, Ton Ton, and I knew about your love for Jun-kun even before you realized it.”
“That’s impossible,” she said as she climbed into the taxi. She quickly told the driver her destination and resumed her conversation with Shun. “I can’t even track down the exact time when I fell for him.”
He sighed and gathered up an explanation. “Who, what, when, where, and why has no importance. The way you look at him, the way you unconsciously lean towards him, and the way you react to the things he says. It shows, Mao-chan. You never hesitate to argue with him and it seems like you always want to convince him to change his view of you. It’s completely different from the way you treat us. We’re like siblings, sometimes polite and sometimes playful. But with Jun-kun, you’ve always given us this feeling that he was special to you and you to him. We don’t even bother butting into your conversations because we know we could never catch up. You guys have this unspeakable bond that you unconsciously show while he openly displays it.”
Suddenly she wished the taxi driver would drive faster. The more she basked in Shun’s words, the more she wanted to see her special guy.
~~
End of part one. Part two will contain the smutty parts. Be prepared. xD *
* I have no idea if Mao-chan's manager is male or not.
Thanks for the clarification, misswoodihut <3
Author: novemberbaby86
Genre: Romance, smut, songfic
Rating: R, graphic
Summary: During the filming of Hanadan final, a sudden love confession forces Inoue Mao make a decision: to run away or to confront her feelings.
Disclaimer: How can anyone doubt that they belong to each other? So no, I don’t own these two.
Notes: This is PART ONE to the story. The smutty parts will be in part two, which you won't be able to read yet. xD
Song: The Best Mistake I've Ever Made by Joanna Wang Click here to listen to the song!
It was impossible not to look at him.
He didn't look any different than he did three years ago. Oh sure, maybe his perm was a lot better now. But still, when she studied him very carefully, she couldn't detect anything out of place. It was only when he greeted the staff with a smile that she began to see him in a different light. His confidence was certainly still present but he appeared more sincere than arrogant. A mature aura accompanied his presence and she liked that.
He caught her staring at him and he raised an eyebrow. When the staff members finally left the room, he pulled a chair next to her and sat down with his legs crossed. “What’re you thinking about?” he inquired, as if he were a psychologist, all ready to listen to her.
Right. As if she would tell him that she was just thinking about him. “Nothing. I was just practicing my lines,” she answered and decided to take charge of the conversation before he could accuse her of lying. “Where are the others?”
“Shun-kun is on his way to the radio station for his show. I think Ton Ton is taking a nap in his own room and Shota-kun’s probably gone to grab some food,” he explained. “Say, Mao-chan, you wanna go somewhere with me?”
“Um, and where might that place be?” she asked, getting a little tense. She hated it when guys asked if she’d like to go somewhere with them without specifying whether other people would tag along or not. As a celebrity, she had to be extra careful when going out and getting caught with only one person, especially if it was a male. That was the last thing she wanted to hear from the paparazzi.
He smiled and patted her head like she was a puppy. “Why are you so nervous? I was just thinking about going to eat. I would’ve gone with Shota-kun but then I thought of you. You haven’t eaten yet, right?”
Oh, eating. Well, that was certainly normal, wasn’t it? She stood up and said, “Let’s go eat with Shota-kun!” The moment she started to walk away though, he pulled her back.
She looked down at his hand, which was grasping tightly around her wrist. “Jun?”
He looked straight at her, not even trying to hide his own nervousness. “I have something to tell you so I was hoping we could eat together. Just me and you.”
Just a moment ago, he was the one who seemed so relaxed and even patted her head. But now, he was the complete opposite and this certainly influenced her as well. She knew there was no way she could get out of this one and thought maybe he just wanted to discuss with her the script or something related to the film. After all, he was a serious and professional actor who rarely had any NGs. It was expected of him to have discussions with his co-stars for a flawless performance.
She nodded since she was unable to say a single word. She actually had coherent sentences formed in her mind already but she knew it would all end up being a string of nonsense once she opened her mouth.
He didn’t say anything either since he was aware that the atmosphere had become awkward. Instead, he held her hand as they headed to the exit but he released her the moment they walked out of the room. Only a few staff members were in the hallway but they kept to themselves, not paying much attention to the two main leads.
She secretly wished that the staff members looked their way so that she didn’t feel so awkward. But then again, if they did notice the two of them, things would get even more complicated. And at that moment, she realized what a hypocrite she was. So she believed that she would never agree to go out with a guy as casually as she was right now. But the way he had spoken to her seemed to make her forget her own promise to herself. His voice was like a magic spell and she was just one out of the many women out there who had fallen for it.
She followed him to the parking garage, where it was surprisingly quiet. All she could hear were their footsteps and her own unusual rhythm of breathing. She had no idea why she was following him. She could run away if she wanted to but her legs were obviously under his spell.
She watched as he pulled out a set of keys and pressed a button. A white car was waiting for them, flashing its bright lights, and nearly blinding her. Being the gentleman that he was, he opened up the passenger door for her and motioned her to get in.
“Thanks,” she uttered.
He grinned back at her and closed the door as gently as he could. Then he climbed into his car through the driver’s side and they were out of the garage within minutes.
Their destination? She didn’t know and didn’t feel like asking.
~~
She had worried too much and now felt silly for even being as stiff as stick earlier. No one detected their presence in the restaurant he had chosen. They were seated in a VIP room which only the owner had access to. The two of them looked at the menu with interest but the first thing that caught her eye was something she had always liked.
“They have so many flavors of ice cream here!” she blurted out, finally cracking the thick layer of ice between them. She looked up at him with a big grin and then realized that she had not said a single word since she thanked him for opening the car door for her.
He chuckled as he looked up from his menu. “Why am I not surprised that you skipped straight to dessert?”
“Oh, yeah? I bet you’re looking at the wine selection right now,” she said in a teasing manner.
“Well, at least I’m not going to randomly blurt out ‘They have so many wines here!’ and, just so you know, it’s normal to choose a drink first. It’s a bit strange for someone to look at the desserts before choosing the main course. But then again, you’ve always been kind of strange,” he retorted with a laugh.
“Me? Strange? I think you’ve got that all wrong. You’re the one who keeps on bringing up my embarrassing stories! Now that’s a strange fetish you have, Jun-kun.” She was so not going to let him claim victory over this.
The thick ice was dissolving quickly as he argued back and she felt her usual self coming back. That meant a normal breathing pattern and no more feeling like she was under his spell.
But not once did he mention the “thing” that he wanted to tell her.
Their “date”, if one can call it that, ended with more teasing from his side. She was in the midst of gathering harmless insults when her manager had called her and said that she should head home for some sleep before returning to filming tomorrow morning. All of her belongings had already been dropped off there. She was grateful that her manager had not inquired about her whereabouts and she hoped that it was because she had gained trust from her.*
She and her co-star were now back in the white car and he insisted on taking her home, though she had suggested taking a taxi instead.
“Do I look like I’d let you go home by yourself in a taxi?”
Aha, an opportunity to tease him. “Yeah, you do. From what I’ve heard from your previous female co-stars, you always had a defense wall set up around you. So it makes sense if you don’t want to get in the same car with me.”
He smirked. “Unfortunately, you barged into my territory so there’s no more wall. Moreover, didn’t we just eat in a restaurant where you sat across the table from me in the same room? You were close enough to let me see your pores.”
She immediately covered her face and mumbled, “Why are we even talking about this? If you’re going to take me home, just do it already.”
The smile on his face didn’t vanish as he started the car and headed in the direction to her apartment.
The awkwardness was now back. The emotions she had experienced today was like a roller coaster ride and she wondered where the climax was.
She was walking up the steps to her apartment and he was following her a bit too closely. She knew that if she were to turn around, she’d bump right into his chest. Not only would that be embarrassing but she would probably have a headache later on. But she was given no choice since she couldn’t just tell him to stop. After all, he was making sure she would arrive home safely.
Finally she reached her apartment door and she was lucky that she had remembered to stuff her keys into her pocket in the morning. She pulled them out and slipped one into the keyhole. She then turned around and nearly hit his chest if he hadn’t backed away quickly. “Well, uh, thanks for the ride. Good night,” she said as quickly as she could. But her legs weren’t moving. And neither were her eyes as they stared intently at his face. Was she waiting for something to happen? If so, why didn’t she know what it was?
Before she could even think of why she wasn’t moving, he had already pulled her into his arms, and his lips were touching hers. She trembled but not with fear for she felt like she was touching something exquisite and was in awed of its beauty.
Ah, right, a goodbye kiss. Except they hadn’t been out on an official date nor did they even have the appropriate foundation to reach this level. But she didn’t have the capacity to even think about this as his lips devoured her.
This kiss left them both panting and when they parted, he told her something that she hadn’t even expected to hear. “Aishiteru.” He was panting alright but he was firm on this one.
Aishisteru. It meant so much more than just plain, old “suki”, which was the only word that shared a similar meaning and heard much more often on television than its counterpart.
She looked up at him and for a moment she wanted to laugh. Perhaps he was just practicing his lines. And the kiss, well, it could have been more practice. But when she realized that she was looking at Matsumoto Jun and not the character he was playing, she stepped back and shook her head. “No,” was she all managed to say.
She was shaking again, but this time, she was in fear.
He didn’t let her get away, though. He narrowed the gap between them by moving closer and closer until he could feel her breathing. “Why?” he demanded. “I’ve been in love with you for God knows how long. It’s the only thing I wanted to tell you tonight.”
“No.”
“You don’t love me?”
Could she attach the word ‘love’ to her own feeling for him? Right then and there, though, her logical mind took over and told her not say a single word. What he had just said to her wasn’t logical. Why she was still standing there wasn’t understandable either. So she obeyed her mind when it told her to run into her apartment and lock the door.
As she leaned against the door, she could hear his footsteps down the stairs. They were slow, as if he didn’t want to leave that quickly. If he weren’t a celebrity, she knew that he would probably bang on her door until she opened up, but since he was afraid getting found out, he chose to leave.
She walked over to her window and watched as he got into his car. He sat there for a while, keeping his eyes on her apartment. Even from far away she could see the sadness in his eyes. She turned away and waited until she heard the car engine started. Then, she kicked off her shoes and dragged herself over to her bed.
She normally would fall asleep within minutes of lying around, but she found it particularly hard to close her eyes tonight.
She kissed him back earlier, didn’t she? That must mean something. But she couldn’t find a word for it. Not one at all. She smacked her forehead, wondering why she even needed to find a word to define her feelings. Couldn’t they just be feelings and nothing else? And just exactly why was she hiding from him? Then her mind wandered off to think about how reckless he had been to have kissed her in front of her apartment door. What if the neighbors were spying on her?
~~
One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake
He wasn’t talking to her. She had tried to talk to him several times today, but he only answered her when there were others around. When they were alone, though, she had tried to joke with him and he would look the other way as if he didn’t hear her. There was a huge lump forming in her throat. Every time he ignored her, she felt this lump grow. Pretty soon, she found it hard to breathe when she was around him.
“Mao-chan, what’s wrong?” Shun asked her when they were given a ten-minute break from the director. The two of them walked over to a private corner for a rest. “You look very flustered.”
She stole a quick glance at the cause of her misery and then looked back at her friend. “Nothing. I’m a bit tired, I guess.” She gave him her best smile though she could feel her eyes beginning to sting.
Shun leaned in and whispered, “He called me late last night after my radio show ended. Are you feeling bad because you rejected him?”
“It’s not pity,” she quickly responded. “I know it’s definitely not that.”
“Then what is it?”
She took a deep breath. “I got scared when he said Aishiteru. It’s the first time that someone’s said that to me. And not just someone, Shun-kun. It’s Matsumoto Jun, the man who can perhaps make all women swoon with just one simple pose. You know what that means.”
Shun’s eyes flickered over to her with a raised brow. “And that’s going to stop from loving him? I’ve never thought of you as a coward, Mao-chan.”
“It’s not love.”
He shook his head and began to walk away, only leaving four words for her. “You’re also a liar.”
A liar.
She looked over at him, the guy who had caused Shun to call her a coward and a liar. He was staring back at her with an unreadable expression. She wanted to ask him if she was truly a spineless liar. She could already imagine his response. Yes, she was a gutless person for not even wanting to confront her own feelings. Was it wrong for her to be like that? She certainly had the freedom to choose whether or not she wanted to be involved with someone like him. But why did she feel like she wanted to be in his arms when their eyes met? And the worst feeling was that she felt like she belonged there.
Then she began to panic when she saw him walking towards her. She turned around and looked at the ground. But then she realized that he walked past her and pushed through a set of double doors that led to the dressing rooms. He didn’t say a single word to her. She then raised her head and looked through the small windows of the doors and secretly wished that he would turn around to look at her.
But he didn’t.
She looked around, wondering if any of the staff members caught anything suspicious. To her surprise, they were all staring in her direction. One of them rushed over and said to her, “Inoue-san, do you know what happened to Matsumoto-san? He almost lost his temper while practicing his lines.”
“Eh? For what scene?”
The staff member shrugged. “It’s a bit early but the director asked him to study the scene where Doumyouji-san says Aishiteru to Makino-san on the beach. The director asked him if he could just get into the mood for it, since it can be a bit embarrassing to say it, right? But for some reason, Matsumoto-san kept messing up. I’ve never seen him mess up during filming, let alone practice.”
“Maybe he’s just tired,” she suggested after a moment of contemplation and then bowed. “Sorry you had to witness his temper.”
The staff member bowed back and excused himself while she stood there, debating on whether she should run after him or just leave him be. Just when she was about to push the doors open, though, she was called back onto the set.
She tried to be professional and repressed her worried feelings for him, but she realized that she felt she really needed to see him. But then again, what should she say if she did find him?
Another day of the cold shoulder from him.
She was even more bothered by this than she was on the first day. And what hurt her more was that he would stare at her but wouldn’t make the effort to say a single word. She hated this so much that when she slipped into her role as Makino, she felt like she was falling apart inside. But Makino wasn’t supposed to be this weak. After all, she was the tough weed, wasn’t she? Then shouldn’t the actress playing her character be able to live up to that? But then she realized that maybe Shun was right. She was both a liar and a coward.
~~
As she sat in the dressing room while everyone else cleared up for the night, her mind wandered off to him. It was flipping through a scrapbook that captured the most precious moments between the two of them. She tried to locate the exact moment when she fell in love with him. But she failed. Miserably. She just knew that in every related Hanadan moment, he was there for and with her, no matter what the circumstances were. Sure, Shun, Shota and Ton Ton were part of the project, but they didn’t give her the same feeling that he did. It was a feeling of security and she had longed for it. She understood that as the leading actress in Hanadan, she would be responsible for its ratings, and she did carry a heavy burden throughout the two seasons. Especially since she was not very well-known.
Since she shared the most scenes with him, he was the only who truly understood what she was going through inside, though he never voiced it at all. He was protective of her in a way that made others thought that he was being a bully. During the past interviews, he would always find a way to tease her and she had always wondered if he had thought of her as being stupid. But now she saw everything quite clearly.
He knew of her nervousness every time the interviewer of a certain show asked her questions about the drama. She needed perfect answers for promotions and so the very thought of that made her tense. It was only when he brought up her embarrassing moments that she felt at ease, ironically. It was as if he wanted her to understand that it was okay to make mistakes.
Then there were those short but equally important moments during filming. She had heard about how much he hated to be touched, even by his group mates of almost ten years. But she remembered the time in season two where they were doing an interview and she had caught his hand when she answered that she preferred Nishikado instead of Doumyouji. Had he brushed her hand away? No. And what about the time when they were filming at the ski resort? She had jumped onto his back and he had thrown her in the snow. Did he tell her afterwards that he didn’t like it? No. Instead of getting angry at her or staying away, he just got closer to her.
It was as if he tolerated her everything.
Was there such a guy like him in her life? Only him, perhaps.
And then there was his management company. By declaring his love for her, he had already put himself in a difficult position. But since he had decided to tell his true feelings, then he must be ready to embrace all of the obstacles in his way.
A guy who would risk his everything to be with her was finally in her life and she had rejected him harshly.
At that moment, every logical thought was washed away from her mind, leaving only one thing to do. She called out to her manager that she needed to go someplace quickly. Before she could even say anything, though, she had already dashed out the door. She passed by his dressing room and found that it was empty. She then pulled out her cell phone and called Shun as she rushed out of the building.
“Shun-kun, do you know if Jun-kun went home or not?”
“Yeah, he’s already there,” he answered tiredly. “Why?”
“I want to see him,” she declared as she pulled the hood of her sweater over her head. She was lucky she was wearing a hooded sweater or else she would have nothing to cover her face.
“So you’re finally ready to tell him how you feel?”
“Yes.” A firm ‘yes’, with a very thick layer of confidence as its foundation. And that was what she was needed right now.
“Great. I’ve been waiting for this to happen for a while,” he said with a chuckle. “You probably don’t know this but Shota-kun, Ton Ton, and I knew about your love for Jun-kun even before you realized it.”
“That’s impossible,” she said as she climbed into the taxi. She quickly told the driver her destination and resumed her conversation with Shun. “I can’t even track down the exact time when I fell for him.”
He sighed and gathered up an explanation. “Who, what, when, where, and why has no importance. The way you look at him, the way you unconsciously lean towards him, and the way you react to the things he says. It shows, Mao-chan. You never hesitate to argue with him and it seems like you always want to convince him to change his view of you. It’s completely different from the way you treat us. We’re like siblings, sometimes polite and sometimes playful. But with Jun-kun, you’ve always given us this feeling that he was special to you and you to him. We don’t even bother butting into your conversations because we know we could never catch up. You guys have this unspeakable bond that you unconsciously show while he openly displays it.”
Suddenly she wished the taxi driver would drive faster. The more she basked in Shun’s words, the more she wanted to see her special guy.
~~
End of part one. Part two will contain the smutty parts. Be prepared. xD *
* I have no idea if Mao-chan's manager is male or not.
Thanks for the clarification, misswoodihut <3