doubtful drunken diatribes...and annoying alliterations.
doubt can be an incredible experience.
tiny tendrils of thoughts that weave a slow but growing net around possibilities...
there are few things that i do know for simple fact, the first of which being that i am a horrible person. and i don't mean that as to say i consciously make poor decisions. i mean that i will disappoint. my parents, my friends, my lovers, and myself, everyone.
back to the point. doubt. i've spent the entire day fiddling with my novel. i know it's good, at least that's what i tell myself. but i can't seem to fully believe that. i should never have mentioned it to anyone, honestly. i'm on the verge of either deleting the entire thing or shoving it onto a disk somewhere and losing it while drunk.
when people say that they want to read it, or even buy a copy in a few months, i just get this hollow feeling. i didn't write this book for other people, not for them to read, not for anything but myself. so why am i stressing about deadlines about getting it published? well, that's a bit complicated. because while i did write it for me, a part of me, which i can't decide is larger or smaller then the selfishness, is the fact that i want to be recognized for actually doing it. publishing a book, no matter how shitty, has always been one of my life goals.
right. and that's only part of the rollercoaster rattling around in my head. fucking work. we had it good. i had it good. one of those jobs that you will always look back upon fondly even though it was shit at the time. and now it's all changed. which is fine, sure, but jesus, back to the doubt issue, fuck you interviews. there's no greater doubt inspiring force in the world then job interviews. here you go, go tell this guy why you're awesome and that other guy he talked to was a douchelord that couldn't do half as well as you. that, and who the hell knows that if the job that i actually land isn't going to be ripe with idiots and assholes.
ah fuck it. there's more to write, but the asshole in my head just told me to go look for jobs on a ship and get ready to really disappear this time. so i'ma do that.