Star Wars Episode Two Parody
This one is also old. Enough said.
Star Wars Episode II: The Attack of the Clones
In which many people try to kill Amidala, much to Anakin’s angst, and they fall in nauseating love, Obi-Wan discovers two separate conspiracies, highlighting the stupidity of the Jedi Council, who fail to make any progress in locating the Sith. War breaks out in the Galactic Republic and the Chancellor’s seizure of executive power is entirely incidental and non-threatening.
A starship flies towards Coruscant.
PADME: Oh, I’m so glad that the spaceship didn’t blow up.
On cue, the starship blows up. Most of the fallout takes place in Palpatine’s office. The Jedi Council is present too.
MACE WINDU: If war should break out, there’ll be trouble.
PALPATINE: No, you think?
PADME: I want to know who tried to kill me, and I want to know now.
PALPATINE: Some nutcase?
PADME: No, I think it was this heretofore unknown guy Dooku.
MACE WINDU: No Jedi, even a former Jedi, could have anyone killed.
AUDIENCE: You’re gonna regret that statement.
PALPATINE: Anyway, we should get you a bodyguard.
YODA: Protect her, the Jedi should.
PALPATINE: How about Anakin? I mean, how about Obi-Wan?
MACE WINDU: That’s possible, and eminently sensible.
AUDIENCE: Oh god no.
Cut to Obi-Wan and Anakin in an elevator.
ANAKIN: Oooooh, Padme.
OBI-WAN: Control yourself. Or at least take a cold shower.
ANAKIN: Must I?
AUDIENCE: Oh yes. You must.
PADME: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I want to know who tried to kill me, and I want to know right now.
OBI-WAN: Sorry, Padme, we’re not allowed to investigate.
ANAKIN: Don’t worry, Padme, we’ll find out who tried to kill you.
OBI-WAN: Shut up, right now.
ANAKIN: But it was implied!
OBI-WAN: I want more than implied. Then I can do more.
ANAKIN: But master, my point is valid!
OBI-WAN: Be quiet, your ignorance is showing.
Anakin goes into a sulk, and everyone looks embarrassed.
Somewhere else, an assassin is also sulking.
ZAM WESSEL: They cheated! They cheated! They used a decoy!
JANGO FETT: Oh, shut up, take these Senator-eating worms and go kill the woman properly.
And back to the Senator.
OBI-WAN: Why aren’t there cameras in the Senator’s room? I thought you would have been glad of an excuse to watch Padme.
ANAKIN: About that…she kind of disabled the cameras and set R2 to watch her.
OBI-WAN: So how are you helping, exactly?
ANAKIN: I’m using the Force.
OBI-WAN: Good grief, you’re not that good.
ANAKIN: And you are?
OBI-WAN: No, but I still know more.
Simultaneously, the Jedi sense something wrong in Amidala’s room. In what appears to be a characteristic move, Anakin deals with the threat, while Obi-Wan takes a millisecond to size up the situation and then jumps out the window.
OBI-WAN: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…
Zam Wessel takes aim with a sniper rifle.
OBI-WAN: Definitely not such a good idea.
Zam Wessel shoots, hits the droid, and Obi-Wan has a million-storey fall to look forward to.
But then Anakin drives by.
OBI-WAN: You’re slipping. I fell thirty storeys that time.
ANAKIN: Sorry, master. Do you mind if I concentrate on driving?
OBI-WAN: While you’ve been concentrating, you’ve driven us through some purple lasers and lost sight of that assassin. I’ll go back to being snide, thank you very much.
ANAKIN: Master, nobody can ever say I don’t learn from you.
He leaps out of the speeder.
OBI-WAN: If he thinks I’m making a suicide dive to pick him up, he’s got another think coming.
Fortunately, Anakin lands on Zam Wessel’s speeder.
ANAKIN: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Zam Wessel nearly throws him off the speeder.
ANAKIN: Definitely not such a good idea. Hey, where’d my lightsabre go?
OBI-WAN: I caught it. And this better not become a running gag.
ANAKIN: No, master.
OBI-WAN: This time, you can come into the bar.
ANAKIN: Yes, master.
OBI-WAN: And don’t do anything stupid.
ANAKIN: No, master.
Zam Wessel stalks one of the Jedi. Obi-Wan forces some drug dealer to rethink his life. Anakin walks around and looks pretty.
Then Obi-Wan slices off Zam Wessel’s hand.
ANAKIN: Please, tell us, who hired you? WHO HIRED YOU, DAMNIT?
OBI-WAN: Anakin, the good cop and the bad cop are usually two different people.
Before Zam Wessel can spill the beans, she is shot.
OBI-WAN: Aha! A clue as to the identity of her killer, and therefore the person who put out a hit on Padme!
ANAKIN: It’s just a dart.
AUDIENCE: What is this, CSI Coruscant?
Like good little Jedi, Obi-Wan and Anakin report to the Jedi Council.
MACE WINDU: Here’s what we’ll do. Since Obi-Wan's the one with the brain, he’ll conduct the investigation. Since Anakin’s the one with no obvious attraction to Padme, he’ll go back to Naboo to protect her.
ANAKIN: I have a good feeling about this.
OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.
Back in Padme’s apartment:
PADME: Now I get to sulk. I want to see the Patriot Act War Powers Act defeated!
ANAKIN: Well, you won’t see it defeated if you die.
PADME: Fair point. Mature point too.
ANAKIN: Obi-Wan doesn’t seem to notice that I make mature points.
PADME: Well, you’re still a kid.
ANAKIN: Am not! I can hit on you properly now!
AUDIENCE: Oh no. Please, no more.
Obligatory departure scene. At the equivalent of a train station, of course.
OBI-WAN: Now, I’m going to ask you to do something you may find difficult. Normally, I wouldn’t ask you to do this, but as you’re going off alone, it’s vitally important.
ANAKIN: Certainly, master. What?
OBI-WAN: Think before you act.
ANAKIN: I do anyway, master.
OBI-WAN: I meant with your brain.
PADME: I’m still slightly panicky about leaving Jar Jar in charge, here…
OBI-WAN: I have the nasty feeling that Anakin will do something stupid.
GUARD: I have the nasty feeling that Padme will do something stupid.
OBI-WAN: And I have doubts about R2D2’s ability to chaperone…
Dinnertime!
No, not really.
OBI-WAN: Like any sensible law enforcer, I have informants.
DINER GUY: Yeah, this dart comes from the Kamino system. Mostly they do clones, but occasionally they manufacture a dart or two.
OBI-WAN: Anything else I should know?
DINER GUY: They’re rather mercenary. Oh, and the location.
OBI-WAN: Nah, I can find that out myself.
DINER GUY: Better take the location just in case.
So Obi-Wan heads over to the Jedi library.
OBI-WAN: Have you seen this planet?
LIBRARIAN: It’s not there, therefore it’s not anywhere.
OBI-WAN: …this may pose more difficulties than I previously thought.
So Obi-Wan heads over to interrupt Yoda’s class.
OBI-WAN: Excuse me, Master Yoda, but I lost a planet…I thought it might turn up in lost property.
YODA: Have a look for it, we shall.
OBI-WAN: It should be here. Something with gravity is there…the only other possibility is that it’s a small black hole.
YODA: Thoughts about how this came to be, does anybody have?
JEDI KID: Someone accidentally hit ‘delete’?
OBI-WAN: Oh god. That’s too obvious. But who?
YODA: Stop questioning, you shall. Exposition someone else’s job is.
Here, George Lucas assumes the audience has had enough of sensibility, and returns to Anakin and Padme.
PADME: So…you’re going to be a Jedi. Tough life.
ANAKIN: Yeah…I don’t mind the vow of poverty, but the one of chastity really sucks.
Fortunately, the ship lands before they can pursue this line of thought any further.
QUEEN: So, what’s news from Coruscant?
PADME: The Chancellor’s busy warmongering. And the Federation are involved with the Separatists.
QUEEN: Can anything be done?
PADME: Nup.
QUEEN: And what’s the deal with the Jedi?
PADME: Jedi kid.
Anakin sulks, and then makes a fool of himself.
Here George Lucas realises the audience would like the sensibility back, and returns to Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: I should have brought an umbrella…
TAUN WE: Hello and welcome to Clones R Us. As the Jedi are such honoured clients, I will take you straight to the Prime Minister.
OBI-WAN: …clients? What the hell is going on here?
PRIME MINISTER: Ah, hello. Did you come to inspect your army?
OBI-WAN: Um…yes. Yes I did.
PRIME MINISTER: And I trust you are happy with your purchase?
OBI-WAN: Yes. Yes I am. Can I see?
PRIME MINISTER: I’ll give you the VIP tour.
As the whole point of this movie seems to be to show that Anakin and Padme are falling in love, the audience must unfortunately return to Anakin and Padme at some lake.
PADME: Ah, isn’t nostalgia fun? And sand. Sand’s good too.
ANAKIN: I hate sand. But I love that backless dress. My comments about softness, incidentally, have nothing to do with your planet, either.
PADME: I’d worked that out by the way you’re feeling me up.
ANAKIN: I have a great idea! Let’s kiss.
PADME: Hang on, the music’s just a bit too cheesy for that.
ANAKIN: Damn.
Back to Obi-Wan.
AUDIENCE: Thank goodness.
OBI-WAN: Soooo, who’d you clone this army from?
PRIME MINISTER: Some guy called Jango Fett.
OBI-WAN: Can I meet him?
PRIME MINISTER: Don’t see why not.
BOBA FETT: Hey, look, visitors.
TAUN WE: Introductions all round.
OBI-WAN: I’m sure you’ve made your way to Coruscant. And met some important Jedi. Nice to know you got back from your last trip safely, too.
JANGO FETT: I am not intimidated by your verbal patter. Except that I am.
But back to Anakin, lest the plot develop too much.
PADME: Tell me, why did I agree to come on this picnic with you anyway?
ANAKIN: The angst forbids kissing but allows flirting.
PADME: You know what would impress me? You trying to ride one of these oversized capybaras.
ANAKIN: Sure thing. Oops, I fell! Oh no, I’m actually hurt!
PADME: Oh no! He’s actually hurt!
ANAKIN: Fooled ya! Finally, another excuse to grope you.
PADME: And finally, an excuse to grope back.
Dinnertime!
Yes, really.
Insofar as one pear counts as dinner.
ANAKIN: I can differentiate myself from your previous suitors. I can make your pear float over to me so I can cut it for you, and then I can float it right back.
PADME: Oh, that’s actually quite sweet.
And now for after dinner drinks in an awkward silence.
ANAKIN: I really like you, Padme.
PADME: I’m shocked! No, really!
ANAKIN: I’m haunted by the kiss you never should have given me.
AUDIENCE: We’re haunted by the line you never should have delivered.
PADME: Please be rational.
ANAKIN: I can’t!
Perhaps to preserve the audience’s sanity, we go back to Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Hello, can I place a call to Coruscant? And can you reverse the charges?
MACE WINDU: Hello?
OBI-WAN: I think I’ve found the assassin, plus another conspiracy!
YODA: Use the Force to determine guilt.
OBI-WAN: And there’s a clone army we’re supposed to have created. Did we do that?
YODA: Not, we did. Suspicious, this situation is.
Guess what? It’s Anakin and Padme time again!
ANAKIN: Oh no! Terrible angst-filled nightmares! My mother is dying, in pain!
PADME: What’s up?
ANAKIN: I have to save my mother! Even if it means leaving you!
PADME: That won’t be an issue.
OBI-WAN again.
JANGO FETT: We’re leaving. Quietly and unobtrusively.
OBI-WAN: Stop! Or I’ll do more than yell stop again!
JANGO FETT: You’re too nosy to live, Potter Obi-Wan.
Jango and Boba Fett gang up on Obi-Wan. He loses, but not before determining that Jango is the mysterious assassin, and planting a tracking device on Jango’s ship.
Anakin and Padme make their way to Tatooine uneventfully.
ANAKIN: Hello, former owner. I’m looking for my mother.
WATTO: Whoa! You don’t look like Anakin.
ANAKIN: Whatever. Just tell me where my mother is.
WATTO: Sold to some guy on the other side of town.
AUDIENCE: Wow, that was relatively painless.
And back to Obi-Wan, since he has the action scenes.
BOBA FETT: Hey, we’re being tracked!
JANGO FETT: Stupid protagonists. Why must they be so resourceful?
OBI-WAN: Why is it that whenever I fly anywhere, people shoot at me?
JANGO FETT: We’re different! We shoot things that track you.
OBI-WAN: Time for further displays of protagonist resourcefulness. And an old Han Solo trick.
JANGO FETT: Apparently I have not seen the original trilogy.
OBI-WAN: Hey, look! Antagonists! Loads of them!
Anakin and Padme are now in the middle of a blinking huge desert. Except there’s a house there.
C3PO: Don’t I know you?
ANAKIN: I think I’ll just staple my name to my forehead.
OWEN: Hey, stepbrother! And this is my girlfriend Beru.
ANAKIN: Hey, stepbrother! And this is my…charge, Padme.
CLIEGG LARS: Sorry, but I’m afraid your mother has been inconveniently kidnapped. She’s likely dead.
ANAKIN: I’m taking ‘nothing is impossible’ to ridiculous new lengths.
AUDIENCE: Anakin is just as good at staring angstily into the sunset as Luke was.
The John Willians music is turned up loud, and in a sinister minor key.
AUDIENCE: A fwooshing cloak…that’s a bad sign.
Obi-Wan drops the straight fighting in favour of sneaking around.
OBI-WAN: At least my cloak matches the walls.
NUTE GUNRAY: I want Amidala dead.
DOOKU: Sure thing. And thanks for the army.
OBI-WAN: Uh-oh…
AUDIENCE: We’ll say- it’s Christopher Lee.
Hey, it’s Tatooine at night.
Some dogs start fighting, allowing a mysterious hooded figure to sneak into a tent unnoticed.
Surprise, it’s Anakin.
ANAKIN: Mom, are you all right?
SHMI: Anakin, is that you?
ANAKIN: I’ll just get that stapler and a nametag.
SHMI: I love you, Anakin.
AUDIENCE: Really bad sign.
ANAKIN: No, you’re not allowed to die now.
AUDIENCE: Too late.
Shock and woe.
And then some retribution and sinister John Williams music.
In Coruscant, Yoda hears some slaughter and creepy Darth breathing.
OBI-WAN: Damnit, how come I can’t get a signal? Can’t contact Coruscant, nobody’s listening on Naboo…where is everyone? I have news!
R4: Bleep, blip, squeak bleep.
OBI-WAN: What the hell is he doing on Tatooine? Oh screw it. Here’s the message. Distorted as always.
Tatooine proper.
ANAKIN: I found my mother.
PADME: What’s wrong?
ANAKIN: My mother’s dead. And I can’t fix it.
PADME: Remember our talk about possible and impossible? And rational?
AUDIENCE: I think he’s beyond that now.
Funeral time, the sequel.
ANAKIN: Ambition first, then grief.
PADME: There’s R2!
OBI-WAN: Retransmit this to Coruscant- found Jango. Found the Trade Federation. Found the people after Amidala. Found a friggin huge army.
Then droids find Obi-Wan.
MACE WINDU: Protect the Senator.
ANAKIN: Agh.
PADME: I’m going to save Obi-Wan. Want to join?
ANAKIN: You bet.
Important political developments:
PALPATINE: Amidala would so propose to give me executive power to deploy the clone armies.
JAR JAR: Now I can live up to her expectations!
And on Geonosis.
OBI-WAN: So you’re the bad guy!
DOOKU: Oh no! Never!
OBI-WAN: Whatever. Just let me go, I’m busy.
DOOKU: What are you doing here, anyway?
OBI-WAN: Tracking bad guys.
DOOKU: Help me fight them.
OBI-WAN: Nuh-uh. You’re a bad guy.
DOOKU: Qui-Gon would help me.
OBI-WAN: Oh, please. That’s too obvious.
DOOKU: The Senate is controlled by a Sith Lord. If you help, we can fix it.
OBI-WAN: And that’s not much less obvious.
DOOKU: I’m not sure if I can get you released.
OBI-WAN: Ah well.
Jar Jar is stupid, and gives Palpatine executive power.
The infantry arrives on Geonosis.
PADME: If we’re caught, we just say I’m a Senator.
The tunnels are crawling with enemies, as per usual. Then the fight moves to a giant assembly line, which has the added hazard of machinery.
PADME: Good thing I’ve got timing, otherwise I’d have been squished already.
C3PO: Hey, they’re making battle droids!
R2D2: Blip squeak! (I’m Super-Droid!)
PADME: It’s certain death. Again.
ANAKIN: I lost another lightsabre. Obi-Wan will kill me.
AUDIENCE: Assuming you don’t get yourself killed first, of course.
PADME: Oh no! We’ve been surrounded and captured!
ANAKIN: Business as usual, then?
A bit later:
PADME: I love you, Anakin.
ANAKIN: Wrong time.
AUDIENCE: Wrong dialogue!
PADME: I’m only admitting this because it’s certain death.
ANAKIN: Hey, I found Obi-Wan!
OBI-WAN: This is how I know Anakin gets my messages. Instead of just me being captured, we both are.
DOOKU: I’ve always liked ‘Gladiator’.
PADME: Lockpicks are good.
OBI-WAN: Boxing without hands, however, is not.
ANAKIN: I prefer the rodeo to ‘Gladiator’.
NUTE GUNRAY: How come I never get to see Amidala killed horribly?
ANAKIN: It just figures that when I listen to Obi-Wan’s advice and use the Force, he chooses to use a spear.
OBI-WAN: Seriously, we rock. We do all this while still handcuffed.
DOOKU: Let’s see you beat the destroyer droids.
MACE WINDU: The cavalry is here now. And what made me decide to menace Jango instead of Dooku?
OBI-WAN: Oh, how nice. They brought us new lightsabres.
PADME: All I get is a blaster? No fair…
JANGO FETT: Seriously, I love seeing Jedi fall a million storeys. Especially after I shoot them.
MACE WINDU: You die for that one.
DOOKU: Finally, something elicited a slightly emotional reaction!
OBI-WAN: I may not get dirty, but my hair does get messed up.
Throughout all this, many Jedi get shot, and they are eventually surrounded.
But then Yoda shows up with the artillery, i.e., fifty billion clones.
YODA: Aboard all!
MACE WINDU: These clone guys have potential.
YODA: Capture Dooku, we should.
Dooku’s command centre:
DOOKU: What up with the clone guys?
DROID: Don’t know, but our only option is all-out war.
Yet more fighting.
Back at the command centre:
NUTE GUNRAY: Retreat!
DOOKU: The boss says no. But he’d like it if I escaped with the plans for the Death Star.
Still more fighting.
Dooku leaves on a speeder strangely similar to Darth Maul’s.
OBI-WAN: Anakin and I can deal with Count Dooku.
AUDIENCE: Sure, but not this film.
PADME: Oh dear, I seem to have fallen off the transport.
ANAKIN: Oh noes!
OBI-WAN: Get a grip! Rationality! It’s what Padme would do! Besides, I can’t take Dooku myself.
ANAKIN: Oh, all right. But we go straight back there when we’re done.
OBI-WAN: Here’s the plan.
ANAKIN: Screw the plan.
Without a plan, Obi-Wan is defeated miserably. And so is Anakin.
AUDIENCE: There’ll be a next time.
OBI-WAN: Let’s see how many lightsabres you can wreck in one movie.
ANAKIN: So far I’m up to three lost, two of those permanently zapped.
DOOKU: And there goes your arm, too.
YODA: Oh dear oh dear. Good, this is not.
DOOKU: I can beat anyone only two feet tall.
YODA: Hell, like.
Obi-Wan and Anakin are watching with their mouths hanging open.
Despite Obi-Wan’s being hamstrung and Anakin missing an arm.
Dooku buys time to escape by trying to crush Obi-Wan and Anakin using the Force.
YODA: Oh bollocks.
OBI-WAN: This has not been a good day.
Incredibly, Dooku is shown to be in league with Darth Sidious, and that they have been plotting to start a war. Gasp.
OBI-WAN: I think there’s a Sith controlling the Senate.
MACE WINDU: Let’s start interfering politically.
YODA: Your apprentice, where is?
OBI-WAN: ‘Escorting’ Amidala back to Naboo. And those clones were kind of useful.
YODA: Won the battle we did. But the war we lost, starting it by.
AUDIENCE: Hmmm…the Imperial March playing while Palpatine oversees large clone armies…not suspicious in the least.
Back on Naboo, a wedding is taking place.
AUDIENCE: Uh oh…but at least there’s no dialogue.
Just be glad Lucas didn't write the dialogue for this overlong production.
Star Wars Episode II: The Attack of the Clones
In which many people try to kill Amidala, much to Anakin’s angst, and they fall in nauseating love, Obi-Wan discovers two separate conspiracies, highlighting the stupidity of the Jedi Council, who fail to make any progress in locating the Sith. War breaks out in the Galactic Republic and the Chancellor’s seizure of executive power is entirely incidental and non-threatening.
A starship flies towards Coruscant.
PADME: Oh, I’m so glad that the spaceship didn’t blow up.
On cue, the starship blows up. Most of the fallout takes place in Palpatine’s office. The Jedi Council is present too.
MACE WINDU: If war should break out, there’ll be trouble.
PALPATINE: No, you think?
PADME: I want to know who tried to kill me, and I want to know now.
PALPATINE: Some nutcase?
PADME: No, I think it was this heretofore unknown guy Dooku.
MACE WINDU: No Jedi, even a former Jedi, could have anyone killed.
AUDIENCE: You’re gonna regret that statement.
PALPATINE: Anyway, we should get you a bodyguard.
YODA: Protect her, the Jedi should.
PALPATINE: How about Anakin? I mean, how about Obi-Wan?
MACE WINDU: That’s possible, and eminently sensible.
AUDIENCE: Oh god no.
Cut to Obi-Wan and Anakin in an elevator.
ANAKIN: Oooooh, Padme.
OBI-WAN: Control yourself. Or at least take a cold shower.
ANAKIN: Must I?
AUDIENCE: Oh yes. You must.
PADME: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I want to know who tried to kill me, and I want to know right now.
OBI-WAN: Sorry, Padme, we’re not allowed to investigate.
ANAKIN: Don’t worry, Padme, we’ll find out who tried to kill you.
OBI-WAN: Shut up, right now.
ANAKIN: But it was implied!
OBI-WAN: I want more than implied. Then I can do more.
ANAKIN: But master, my point is valid!
OBI-WAN: Be quiet, your ignorance is showing.
Anakin goes into a sulk, and everyone looks embarrassed.
Somewhere else, an assassin is also sulking.
ZAM WESSEL: They cheated! They cheated! They used a decoy!
JANGO FETT: Oh, shut up, take these Senator-eating worms and go kill the woman properly.
And back to the Senator.
OBI-WAN: Why aren’t there cameras in the Senator’s room? I thought you would have been glad of an excuse to watch Padme.
ANAKIN: About that…she kind of disabled the cameras and set R2 to watch her.
OBI-WAN: So how are you helping, exactly?
ANAKIN: I’m using the Force.
OBI-WAN: Good grief, you’re not that good.
ANAKIN: And you are?
OBI-WAN: No, but I still know more.
Simultaneously, the Jedi sense something wrong in Amidala’s room. In what appears to be a characteristic move, Anakin deals with the threat, while Obi-Wan takes a millisecond to size up the situation and then jumps out the window.
OBI-WAN: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…
Zam Wessel takes aim with a sniper rifle.
OBI-WAN: Definitely not such a good idea.
Zam Wessel shoots, hits the droid, and Obi-Wan has a million-storey fall to look forward to.
But then Anakin drives by.
OBI-WAN: You’re slipping. I fell thirty storeys that time.
ANAKIN: Sorry, master. Do you mind if I concentrate on driving?
OBI-WAN: While you’ve been concentrating, you’ve driven us through some purple lasers and lost sight of that assassin. I’ll go back to being snide, thank you very much.
ANAKIN: Master, nobody can ever say I don’t learn from you.
He leaps out of the speeder.
OBI-WAN: If he thinks I’m making a suicide dive to pick him up, he’s got another think coming.
Fortunately, Anakin lands on Zam Wessel’s speeder.
ANAKIN: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Zam Wessel nearly throws him off the speeder.
ANAKIN: Definitely not such a good idea. Hey, where’d my lightsabre go?
OBI-WAN: I caught it. And this better not become a running gag.
ANAKIN: No, master.
OBI-WAN: This time, you can come into the bar.
ANAKIN: Yes, master.
OBI-WAN: And don’t do anything stupid.
ANAKIN: No, master.
Zam Wessel stalks one of the Jedi. Obi-Wan forces some drug dealer to rethink his life. Anakin walks around and looks pretty.
Then Obi-Wan slices off Zam Wessel’s hand.
ANAKIN: Please, tell us, who hired you? WHO HIRED YOU, DAMNIT?
OBI-WAN: Anakin, the good cop and the bad cop are usually two different people.
Before Zam Wessel can spill the beans, she is shot.
OBI-WAN: Aha! A clue as to the identity of her killer, and therefore the person who put out a hit on Padme!
ANAKIN: It’s just a dart.
AUDIENCE: What is this, CSI Coruscant?
Like good little Jedi, Obi-Wan and Anakin report to the Jedi Council.
MACE WINDU: Here’s what we’ll do. Since Obi-Wan's the one with the brain, he’ll conduct the investigation. Since Anakin’s the one with no obvious attraction to Padme, he’ll go back to Naboo to protect her.
ANAKIN: I have a good feeling about this.
OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.
Back in Padme’s apartment:
PADME: Now I get to sulk. I want to see the Patriot Act War Powers Act defeated!
ANAKIN: Well, you won’t see it defeated if you die.
PADME: Fair point. Mature point too.
ANAKIN: Obi-Wan doesn’t seem to notice that I make mature points.
PADME: Well, you’re still a kid.
ANAKIN: Am not! I can hit on you properly now!
AUDIENCE: Oh no. Please, no more.
Obligatory departure scene. At the equivalent of a train station, of course.
OBI-WAN: Now, I’m going to ask you to do something you may find difficult. Normally, I wouldn’t ask you to do this, but as you’re going off alone, it’s vitally important.
ANAKIN: Certainly, master. What?
OBI-WAN: Think before you act.
ANAKIN: I do anyway, master.
OBI-WAN: I meant with your brain.
PADME: I’m still slightly panicky about leaving Jar Jar in charge, here…
OBI-WAN: I have the nasty feeling that Anakin will do something stupid.
GUARD: I have the nasty feeling that Padme will do something stupid.
OBI-WAN: And I have doubts about R2D2’s ability to chaperone…
Dinnertime!
No, not really.
OBI-WAN: Like any sensible law enforcer, I have informants.
DINER GUY: Yeah, this dart comes from the Kamino system. Mostly they do clones, but occasionally they manufacture a dart or two.
OBI-WAN: Anything else I should know?
DINER GUY: They’re rather mercenary. Oh, and the location.
OBI-WAN: Nah, I can find that out myself.
DINER GUY: Better take the location just in case.
So Obi-Wan heads over to the Jedi library.
OBI-WAN: Have you seen this planet?
LIBRARIAN: It’s not there, therefore it’s not anywhere.
OBI-WAN: …this may pose more difficulties than I previously thought.
So Obi-Wan heads over to interrupt Yoda’s class.
OBI-WAN: Excuse me, Master Yoda, but I lost a planet…I thought it might turn up in lost property.
YODA: Have a look for it, we shall.
OBI-WAN: It should be here. Something with gravity is there…the only other possibility is that it’s a small black hole.
YODA: Thoughts about how this came to be, does anybody have?
JEDI KID: Someone accidentally hit ‘delete’?
OBI-WAN: Oh god. That’s too obvious. But who?
YODA: Stop questioning, you shall. Exposition someone else’s job is.
Here, George Lucas assumes the audience has had enough of sensibility, and returns to Anakin and Padme.
PADME: So…you’re going to be a Jedi. Tough life.
ANAKIN: Yeah…I don’t mind the vow of poverty, but the one of chastity really sucks.
Fortunately, the ship lands before they can pursue this line of thought any further.
QUEEN: So, what’s news from Coruscant?
PADME: The Chancellor’s busy warmongering. And the Federation are involved with the Separatists.
QUEEN: Can anything be done?
PADME: Nup.
QUEEN: And what’s the deal with the Jedi?
PADME: Jedi kid.
Anakin sulks, and then makes a fool of himself.
Here George Lucas realises the audience would like the sensibility back, and returns to Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: I should have brought an umbrella…
TAUN WE: Hello and welcome to Clones R Us. As the Jedi are such honoured clients, I will take you straight to the Prime Minister.
OBI-WAN: …clients? What the hell is going on here?
PRIME MINISTER: Ah, hello. Did you come to inspect your army?
OBI-WAN: Um…yes. Yes I did.
PRIME MINISTER: And I trust you are happy with your purchase?
OBI-WAN: Yes. Yes I am. Can I see?
PRIME MINISTER: I’ll give you the VIP tour.
As the whole point of this movie seems to be to show that Anakin and Padme are falling in love, the audience must unfortunately return to Anakin and Padme at some lake.
PADME: Ah, isn’t nostalgia fun? And sand. Sand’s good too.
ANAKIN: I hate sand. But I love that backless dress. My comments about softness, incidentally, have nothing to do with your planet, either.
PADME: I’d worked that out by the way you’re feeling me up.
ANAKIN: I have a great idea! Let’s kiss.
PADME: Hang on, the music’s just a bit too cheesy for that.
ANAKIN: Damn.
Back to Obi-Wan.
AUDIENCE: Thank goodness.
OBI-WAN: Soooo, who’d you clone this army from?
PRIME MINISTER: Some guy called Jango Fett.
OBI-WAN: Can I meet him?
PRIME MINISTER: Don’t see why not.
BOBA FETT: Hey, look, visitors.
TAUN WE: Introductions all round.
OBI-WAN: I’m sure you’ve made your way to Coruscant. And met some important Jedi. Nice to know you got back from your last trip safely, too.
JANGO FETT: I am not intimidated by your verbal patter. Except that I am.
But back to Anakin, lest the plot develop too much.
PADME: Tell me, why did I agree to come on this picnic with you anyway?
ANAKIN: The angst forbids kissing but allows flirting.
PADME: You know what would impress me? You trying to ride one of these oversized capybaras.
ANAKIN: Sure thing. Oops, I fell! Oh no, I’m actually hurt!
PADME: Oh no! He’s actually hurt!
ANAKIN: Fooled ya! Finally, another excuse to grope you.
PADME: And finally, an excuse to grope back.
Dinnertime!
Yes, really.
Insofar as one pear counts as dinner.
ANAKIN: I can differentiate myself from your previous suitors. I can make your pear float over to me so I can cut it for you, and then I can float it right back.
PADME: Oh, that’s actually quite sweet.
And now for after dinner drinks in an awkward silence.
ANAKIN: I really like you, Padme.
PADME: I’m shocked! No, really!
ANAKIN: I’m haunted by the kiss you never should have given me.
AUDIENCE: We’re haunted by the line you never should have delivered.
PADME: Please be rational.
ANAKIN: I can’t!
Perhaps to preserve the audience’s sanity, we go back to Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Hello, can I place a call to Coruscant? And can you reverse the charges?
MACE WINDU: Hello?
OBI-WAN: I think I’ve found the assassin, plus another conspiracy!
YODA: Use the Force to determine guilt.
OBI-WAN: And there’s a clone army we’re supposed to have created. Did we do that?
YODA: Not, we did. Suspicious, this situation is.
Guess what? It’s Anakin and Padme time again!
ANAKIN: Oh no! Terrible angst-filled nightmares! My mother is dying, in pain!
PADME: What’s up?
ANAKIN: I have to save my mother! Even if it means leaving you!
PADME: That won’t be an issue.
OBI-WAN again.
JANGO FETT: We’re leaving. Quietly and unobtrusively.
OBI-WAN: Stop! Or I’ll do more than yell stop again!
JANGO FETT: You’re too nosy to live, Potter Obi-Wan.
Jango and Boba Fett gang up on Obi-Wan. He loses, but not before determining that Jango is the mysterious assassin, and planting a tracking device on Jango’s ship.
Anakin and Padme make their way to Tatooine uneventfully.
ANAKIN: Hello, former owner. I’m looking for my mother.
WATTO: Whoa! You don’t look like Anakin.
ANAKIN: Whatever. Just tell me where my mother is.
WATTO: Sold to some guy on the other side of town.
AUDIENCE: Wow, that was relatively painless.
And back to Obi-Wan, since he has the action scenes.
BOBA FETT: Hey, we’re being tracked!
JANGO FETT: Stupid protagonists. Why must they be so resourceful?
OBI-WAN: Why is it that whenever I fly anywhere, people shoot at me?
JANGO FETT: We’re different! We shoot things that track you.
OBI-WAN: Time for further displays of protagonist resourcefulness. And an old Han Solo trick.
JANGO FETT: Apparently I have not seen the original trilogy.
OBI-WAN: Hey, look! Antagonists! Loads of them!
Anakin and Padme are now in the middle of a blinking huge desert. Except there’s a house there.
C3PO: Don’t I know you?
ANAKIN: I think I’ll just staple my name to my forehead.
OWEN: Hey, stepbrother! And this is my girlfriend Beru.
ANAKIN: Hey, stepbrother! And this is my…charge, Padme.
CLIEGG LARS: Sorry, but I’m afraid your mother has been inconveniently kidnapped. She’s likely dead.
ANAKIN: I’m taking ‘nothing is impossible’ to ridiculous new lengths.
AUDIENCE: Anakin is just as good at staring angstily into the sunset as Luke was.
The John Willians music is turned up loud, and in a sinister minor key.
AUDIENCE: A fwooshing cloak…that’s a bad sign.
Obi-Wan drops the straight fighting in favour of sneaking around.
OBI-WAN: At least my cloak matches the walls.
NUTE GUNRAY: I want Amidala dead.
DOOKU: Sure thing. And thanks for the army.
OBI-WAN: Uh-oh…
AUDIENCE: We’ll say- it’s Christopher Lee.
Hey, it’s Tatooine at night.
Some dogs start fighting, allowing a mysterious hooded figure to sneak into a tent unnoticed.
Surprise, it’s Anakin.
ANAKIN: Mom, are you all right?
SHMI: Anakin, is that you?
ANAKIN: I’ll just get that stapler and a nametag.
SHMI: I love you, Anakin.
AUDIENCE: Really bad sign.
ANAKIN: No, you’re not allowed to die now.
AUDIENCE: Too late.
Shock and woe.
And then some retribution and sinister John Williams music.
In Coruscant, Yoda hears some slaughter and creepy Darth breathing.
OBI-WAN: Damnit, how come I can’t get a signal? Can’t contact Coruscant, nobody’s listening on Naboo…where is everyone? I have news!
R4: Bleep, blip, squeak bleep.
OBI-WAN: What the hell is he doing on Tatooine? Oh screw it. Here’s the message. Distorted as always.
Tatooine proper.
ANAKIN: I found my mother.
PADME: What’s wrong?
ANAKIN: My mother’s dead. And I can’t fix it.
PADME: Remember our talk about possible and impossible? And rational?
AUDIENCE: I think he’s beyond that now.
Funeral time, the sequel.
ANAKIN: Ambition first, then grief.
PADME: There’s R2!
OBI-WAN: Retransmit this to Coruscant- found Jango. Found the Trade Federation. Found the people after Amidala. Found a friggin huge army.
Then droids find Obi-Wan.
MACE WINDU: Protect the Senator.
ANAKIN: Agh.
PADME: I’m going to save Obi-Wan. Want to join?
ANAKIN: You bet.
Important political developments:
PALPATINE: Amidala would so propose to give me executive power to deploy the clone armies.
JAR JAR: Now I can live up to her expectations!
And on Geonosis.
OBI-WAN: So you’re the bad guy!
DOOKU: Oh no! Never!
OBI-WAN: Whatever. Just let me go, I’m busy.
DOOKU: What are you doing here, anyway?
OBI-WAN: Tracking bad guys.
DOOKU: Help me fight them.
OBI-WAN: Nuh-uh. You’re a bad guy.
DOOKU: Qui-Gon would help me.
OBI-WAN: Oh, please. That’s too obvious.
DOOKU: The Senate is controlled by a Sith Lord. If you help, we can fix it.
OBI-WAN: And that’s not much less obvious.
DOOKU: I’m not sure if I can get you released.
OBI-WAN: Ah well.
Jar Jar is stupid, and gives Palpatine executive power.
The infantry arrives on Geonosis.
PADME: If we’re caught, we just say I’m a Senator.
The tunnels are crawling with enemies, as per usual. Then the fight moves to a giant assembly line, which has the added hazard of machinery.
PADME: Good thing I’ve got timing, otherwise I’d have been squished already.
C3PO: Hey, they’re making battle droids!
R2D2: Blip squeak! (I’m Super-Droid!)
PADME: It’s certain death. Again.
ANAKIN: I lost another lightsabre. Obi-Wan will kill me.
AUDIENCE: Assuming you don’t get yourself killed first, of course.
PADME: Oh no! We’ve been surrounded and captured!
ANAKIN: Business as usual, then?
A bit later:
PADME: I love you, Anakin.
ANAKIN: Wrong time.
AUDIENCE: Wrong dialogue!
PADME: I’m only admitting this because it’s certain death.
ANAKIN: Hey, I found Obi-Wan!
OBI-WAN: This is how I know Anakin gets my messages. Instead of just me being captured, we both are.
DOOKU: I’ve always liked ‘Gladiator’.
PADME: Lockpicks are good.
OBI-WAN: Boxing without hands, however, is not.
ANAKIN: I prefer the rodeo to ‘Gladiator’.
NUTE GUNRAY: How come I never get to see Amidala killed horribly?
ANAKIN: It just figures that when I listen to Obi-Wan’s advice and use the Force, he chooses to use a spear.
OBI-WAN: Seriously, we rock. We do all this while still handcuffed.
DOOKU: Let’s see you beat the destroyer droids.
MACE WINDU: The cavalry is here now. And what made me decide to menace Jango instead of Dooku?
OBI-WAN: Oh, how nice. They brought us new lightsabres.
PADME: All I get is a blaster? No fair…
JANGO FETT: Seriously, I love seeing Jedi fall a million storeys. Especially after I shoot them.
MACE WINDU: You die for that one.
DOOKU: Finally, something elicited a slightly emotional reaction!
OBI-WAN: I may not get dirty, but my hair does get messed up.
Throughout all this, many Jedi get shot, and they are eventually surrounded.
But then Yoda shows up with the artillery, i.e., fifty billion clones.
YODA: Aboard all!
MACE WINDU: These clone guys have potential.
YODA: Capture Dooku, we should.
Dooku’s command centre:
DOOKU: What up with the clone guys?
DROID: Don’t know, but our only option is all-out war.
Yet more fighting.
Back at the command centre:
NUTE GUNRAY: Retreat!
DOOKU: The boss says no. But he’d like it if I escaped with the plans for the Death Star.
Still more fighting.
Dooku leaves on a speeder strangely similar to Darth Maul’s.
OBI-WAN: Anakin and I can deal with Count Dooku.
AUDIENCE: Sure, but not this film.
PADME: Oh dear, I seem to have fallen off the transport.
ANAKIN: Oh noes!
OBI-WAN: Get a grip! Rationality! It’s what Padme would do! Besides, I can’t take Dooku myself.
ANAKIN: Oh, all right. But we go straight back there when we’re done.
OBI-WAN: Here’s the plan.
ANAKIN: Screw the plan.
Without a plan, Obi-Wan is defeated miserably. And so is Anakin.
AUDIENCE: There’ll be a next time.
OBI-WAN: Let’s see how many lightsabres you can wreck in one movie.
ANAKIN: So far I’m up to three lost, two of those permanently zapped.
DOOKU: And there goes your arm, too.
YODA: Oh dear oh dear. Good, this is not.
DOOKU: I can beat anyone only two feet tall.
YODA: Hell, like.
Obi-Wan and Anakin are watching with their mouths hanging open.
Despite Obi-Wan’s being hamstrung and Anakin missing an arm.
Dooku buys time to escape by trying to crush Obi-Wan and Anakin using the Force.
YODA: Oh bollocks.
OBI-WAN: This has not been a good day.
Incredibly, Dooku is shown to be in league with Darth Sidious, and that they have been plotting to start a war. Gasp.
OBI-WAN: I think there’s a Sith controlling the Senate.
MACE WINDU: Let’s start interfering politically.
YODA: Your apprentice, where is?
OBI-WAN: ‘Escorting’ Amidala back to Naboo. And those clones were kind of useful.
YODA: Won the battle we did. But the war we lost, starting it by.
AUDIENCE: Hmmm…the Imperial March playing while Palpatine oversees large clone armies…not suspicious in the least.
Back on Naboo, a wedding is taking place.
AUDIENCE: Uh oh…but at least there’s no dialogue.
Just be glad Lucas didn't write the dialogue for this overlong production.