Casino Royale Parody
I went to see it again yesterday. Hey, dad was paying, and cinemas are airconditioned, so I wasn't going to say no. It's incredible how much there is to make fun of in a movie that's only half dialogue.
Casino Royale
In an ultra-modern office block in Prague, the James Bond franchise reverts to filming in black-and-white Cold War style.
RANDOM BADDIE: Okay, okay, I admit it! I sold secrets to the Soviets!
For some reason, we cut to Bond drowning a random in a bathroom somewhere.
RANDOM BADDIE: But you won’t kill me because you’ve never killed anyone before!
Bond shoots the Random Baddie, and we cut back to the bathroom somewhere, where he shoots the other random.
BOND: Eeek! You mean this gun thing can actually hurt someone?
The traditional credits sequence features many people dying in a gambling-themed way.
Somewhere in Uganda, it’s raining.
TERRORIST LEADER: So why should I trust this dude with my cash?
MR WHITE: You probably shouldn’t, but what the heck.
A black SUV rocks up. No, it doesn’t belong to Torchwood.
TERRORIST LEADER: So, what’s your motivation?
LE CHIFFRE: Money. Duh.
TERRORIST LEADER: And what’s your function?
LE CHIFFRE: To cry blood, piss people off, and swindle the most dangerous freedom fighters on earth.
TERRORIST LEADER: You sound trustworthy.
The Terrorist Leader hands over tons of cash to Le Chiffre.
LE CHIFFRE: And now to use this money in a plot that will definitely succeed.
BANK GUY: Are you sure about this?
LE CHIFFRE: I’ll bet my black-suited villainous credibility on it.
In Madagascar, people are watching a snake and a mongoose fight.
BOND: Hey, where’d my partner go?
PARTNER: AAAAAAGH SNAKE!
BOND: And where’s the Bomb Guy?
The Bomb Guy is running away as fast as he can.
BOND: Stop! Or I’ll…erm…keep chasing you!
And he does. Through a miniature jungle and a construction site.
BOMB GUY: You cannot catch me, for I am a Spiderman villain!
Sure enough, the Bomb Guy makes it to an embassy before Bond can shoot him. Bond follows him in, the rules of international relations not meaning anything to him.
BOND: Tag! You’re it!
After racing through a veritable bullet storm, Bond, with the Bomb Guy in tow, is cornered.
DIPLOMAT: What are you ON? You don’t just barge into embassies, sonny boy!
In response, Bond shoots the Bomb Guy, blows up the embassy, and steals the Bomb Guy’s phone and bag on his way out.
BOND: I’m really getting the hang of this shooting stuff! Oooooh, a text message!
AUDIENCE: Ellipsis. Nice. Cryptic, and definitely classier-sounding than SMERSH.
Cut to obligatory shot of a thin, bikini-clad woman emerging from the ocean. She walks into some boat.
LE CHIFFRE: Just here to prove that I’m a good poker player. Oh, and to remind you of my fail-proof plan. Those airline stocks will go down!
Cut to some government building, where M is stalking out in a rage.
M: I can’t believe that James Bond! Why did he do something so stupid?
LACKEY: Er…are you talking about the shooting-up-an-embassy thing or the sexual harassment suit?
M: Take your pick.
And cut to a dark room somewhere, where Bond is randomly clicking on the desktop.
BOND: What happens if I click on ‘plot point information’?
PLOT POINT: The ‘ellipsis’ text message was sent from this posh ocean resort in the Bahamas.
BOND: Cool.
M: How the HELL did you get into my apartment?
BOND: Oh, you left a key under the doormat.
M: And what the hell did you think you were doing, anyway?
BOND: There’s no law against going into embassies uninvited.
M: Just get out of here already, before I set the politicians on you.
The next we see of Bond, he’s in the Bahamas, driving towards the posh ocean resort in the obligatory expensive car.
Within a minute of his arrival, Bond determines that a Sleazy Guy sent the text message. How he suddenly became efficient we’ll never know.
BOND: Look, look, I can play poker too!
He pisses off the Sleazy Guy by winning his car. Then he tries to pick up the Sleazy Guy’s wife. He manages it, and she tells him that the Sleazy Guy is on the last flight to Miami.
Bond defies logic yet again by somehow managing to get to Miami, where he follows the Sleazy Guy around for a bit.
BOND: Noooo…I’m not following anyone.
SLEAZY GUY: Indeed not. I’m following you, with my knife in your back.
BOND: Really? Lemme see! Hey, that’s sharp!
Bond shoves the knife into the Sleazy Guy’s ribs, but then realises that the Sleazy Guy has managed to pass on instructions to another mad bomber. (Known as Mad Bomber from here on in.)
Mad Bomber gets to the airport. Bond is about ten metres behind him.
BOND: Nooo…I’m not following anyone.
MAD BOMBER: Oh yes you are!
The Mad Bomber changes into a police uniform and sets about trying to blow up a plane. In the ensuing chase scene, Bond picks up more bruises than any previous Bonds did in an entire movie.
But then he manages to blow the Mad Bomber up, so that’s okay then. Cut to the boat.
LE CHIFFRE: Oh god, this is so bad. So bad.
MINION: How much did you lose?
LE CHIFFRE: Only all of my clients’ funds.
MINION: You’re right. This is bad.
Cut to the posh beach resort, where the Sleazy Guy’s wife has been horribly, viciously murdered.
BOND: Oh well.
M: Yes, well, moving on. Le Chiffre is more or less bankrupt, so instead of getting an honest job, he’s going to try and win everything back in a poker game.
BOND: Sounds sensible.
M: …right. Anyway, you’re going to play in that game, as you’re brainless and expendable.
BOND: WOW! COOL!
M: And just so we can make sure you’re not going to lose your head entirely, here’s an irrelevant tracking implant.
BOND: Ow! Hey, that hurt!
M: Tough it out.
Cut to Bond on a train. There is a glowing red desert outside. He rocks up at Crown Casino.
BOND: Hey…where is everyone?
TEXT MESSAGE: Bond, the instructions were to go to Casino ROYALE in MONTENEGRO, not CROWN CASINO in MELBOURNE. Get your ass over there now. No love, M.
Cut to Bond on another train. There is a green forest outside.
VESPER: You took your own sweet time, Mr. Bond.
BOND: I took a wrong turn.
VESPER: I heard it was more like the wrong flight.
BOND: Yeah…well…
VESPER: Just for the record, I hate you and your stupid fancy suits and your overcompensating weaponry. I am just here to provide you with cash. Goodnight.
BOND: This assignment is gonna be fun!
They arrive in Montenegro. A porter hands Bond a message.
THE MESSAGE: Don’t bother with a cover, it’s useless. Oh, and even though you’re in a shared suite with Miss Lynd, if I hear you tried anything, I will feed you to the politicians. No love, M.
BOND: Yay, shared suite!
VESPER: Oh god no.
They arrive at the casino.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
VESPER: You moron, we’re supposed to at least check in with a false name!
BOND: Oooops.
The check-in clerk hands Bond a message.
THE MESSAGE: Since we spent out entire budget staking you for that poker game and trying to make that sexual harassment claim go away, we’ve only been able to get you a Beetle. If you want a better car, go fetch that Aston Martin you won. No love, M.
BOND: Awwww…
Cut to a café.
MATHIS: I am your friendly neighbourhood MI6 contact. Excuse me while I have the local chief of police arrested.
Cut to the shared suite.
BOND: Here, I bought you a dress.
VESPER: That’s nice, but it’s a size 16.
BOND: …so?
VESPER: I’m a size 8.
BOND: Oh.
VESPER: I bought you a suit.
BOND: That’s nice, but it’s my size.
VESPER: …so?
BOND: It’s just creepy, okay!
And finally, once the costumes are all worked out, we can start the poker game.
SWISS GUY: Please enter a totally predictable password.
BOND: Sure!
The game starts. Bond quickly loses a fair bit of cash.
BOND: It was totally worth it. Totally worth it. See, he’s got an obvious tic!
VESPER: Yeah, right.
During the break, they put an electronic bug into Le Chiffre’s inhaler, and then follow him up to his room.
LE CHIFFRE: Ah, it’s good to have a break after four difficult hours of playing cards.
TERRORIST LEADER: YOU DIE NOW!
LE CHIFFRE: But then I can’t give you a refund!
TERRORIST LEADER: YOU DIE LATER!
The Terrorist Leader storms out with a minion. On their way out they spot Bond and Vesper. And run screaming at them with a sword.
BOND: Eeek! Scary!
VESPER: Save me already!
BOND: No, save me!
The Terrorist Leader and his minion die. Very neatly too, considering one died from a fall and the other was strangled.
BOND: Er…Vesper? Can you get Mathis to deal with this?
VESPER: Sure thing…
After a stiff drink, Bond returns to the poker game.
LE CHIFFRE: You seem to have some dried blood on your hands, Mr. Bond. I do hope your poor performance in this game isn’t depressing you.
BOND: Yeah, well…you play bad too.
Cut to the shared suite. There is a shattered wineglass in Vesper’s room, and Vesper herself is nowhere to be seen.
BOND: Hey, Vesper, if you need a drink I seriously reckon you need something a bit stronger than wine.
VESPER: I can’t hear you, James. I’m trying to drown myself in the shower.
BOND: Oh, that won’t work either.
The next day:
BOND: What did you do with those terrorists, Mathis?
MATHIS: Stashed them in the car of one of Le Chiffre’s minions.
BOND: Hey, that’s a neat trick!
At the poker game that night, Le Chiffre’s tic shows again.
BOND: All in.
He loses.
LE CHIFFRE: Haha, good joke, Mr. Bond! That tic was far too obvious to have been real.
VESPER: You suck, James!
BOND: Damn,
Cut to a balcony, where Bond is attempting to stare pensively into the sunset. It looks like he’s staring vacantly across a road.
BOND: Hey, Vesper, can I buy back in?
VESPER: You blow!
BOND: Awwww, come on, please, please, please, please, I’ll keep doing this till you give in, please, please…
VESPER: YOU. BLOW.
Bond decides to stab Le Chiffre as soon as possible. Even though it’s against orders. But then, he’s proved to be remarkably deaf to the words ‘we need him alive’ throughout the entire movie.
CIA DUDE: Whoa, whoa! What’s the rush, MI6 boy?
BOND: Erm…I’m not actually sure.
CIA DUDE: I suck at poker worse than anyone at the table. I’ll buy you back in, if it means the CIA can stab Le Chiffre instead. You lot can keep the extra cash.
BOND: Aw…but I wanted to stab Le Chiffre!
CIA DUDE: Look, you moron, it’s a good deal.
BOND: Okay, okay. Fine.
Bond hands over the steak knife and goes back to the poker. The game continues until Bond is served a spiked drink.
BOND: Hey, barman! I ordered a martini, not digitalis!
BARMAN: You may want to go to the emergency room, sir.
BOND: This is a crisis! So I’ll go to my car.
Back at MI6 HQ, panic starts.
M: What’s Bond done now?
MI6 TECHIE: Been poisoned.
M: Well get him to take the universal antidote we’ve given him and restart his heart. I’m going back to bed. See you all in the morning.
BOND: Hey…this defibrillator stuff is tricky.
DOCTOR: It says ‘press here’! How tricky can it be?
There’s no response, as Bond has passed out. Fortunately for him, Vesper comes along soon afterwards.
VESPER: ‘Press here’…okay, sure. Can’t hurt.
BOND: What’d I miss? What’d I miss?
DOCTOR: About ten seconds of oxygen and a lifetime of brain function.
BOND: Oh, that’s okay then. Back to the poker game!
VESPER: What are you, some kind of moron?
AUDIENCE: Rocket scientist he ain’t.
Sure enough, Bond goes back to the poker game.
BOND: That last hand was murder.
LE CHIFFRE: Ha. Ha. Ha. Mr. Bond, you are very amusing.
As these scenes are dragging out, I mean, the audience didn’t come here to watch a card game, the director moves to conclude the part of the movie which requires the use of two brain cells.
LE CHIFFRE: You are obviously bluffing, Mr. Bond. All in.
BOND: And you have no obvious tic this time, All in.
Bond wins.
LE CHIFFRE: Well, damn. What were the odds of that?
AUDIENCE: In a Bond movie? About 100%.
VESPER: Okay, you’ve won. Will you go to the emergency room now?
BOND: After dinner.
VESPER: You are SUCH an idiot.
BOND: Do you like stupid men, Vesper?
VESPER: Lucky for you, I do.
BOND: Yay!
VESPER: Hang on, I just have to go outside and get kidnapped.
BOND: …hey, where’d she go?
Bond runs outside just in time to see Vesper being dragged into Le Chiffre’s car. She must have been waiting for quite a while to be abducted. Bond runs for his Beetle. There is no real car chase scene, surprisingly.
VESPER: Deer in the headlights!
BOND: Trash the car or run over the Bond Girl? Car or Bond Girl? Car or Bond Girl? Agh, Le Chiffre, why do you make me think?
VESPER: Think faster, you’re about to run me over!
BOND: I better trash the car, as there are no body and fender shops for Bond Girls.
He does. Le Chiffre and Co. haul him out of the car, remove Bond’s poinltless implant, and chuck him in the back seat.
LE CHIFFRE: And all thanks to Mathis.
BOND: So he’s a bad guy then?
Everyone arrives at some bunker. Vesper is chucked into one room, and starts screeching her head off. Bond stays in the entryway and is tied naked to a chair.
LE CHIFFRE: You’re not a eunuch, are you?
BOND: No…why?
LE CHIFFRE: Because I intend to make you one if you don’t give me the money.
BOND: I guess this is a bad time to mention that I forgot the ridiculously predictable password.
LE CHIFFRE: No, it’s not.
Le Chiffre beats up on Bond. But then Mr. White enters the room.
LE CHIFFRE: Just getting the money now!
MR. WHITE: Really? Doesn’t look like it.
Mr. White shoots Le Chifrre, and we have a white-out. It would appear Bond is taken to hospital.
Cut to a very nice hospital garden.
MATHIS: Here, James, drink this.
BOND: But you’re a bad guy! The other bad guy told me so!
Some MI6 men stun Mathis and drag him away. Some time later, Vesper comes by while Bond is napping.
BOND: Oh, hi there, Vesper.
VESPER: So…you better yet? Only I was wondering-
SWISS GUY: Hello, hello, hello! I am here to be annoying and to get you to transfer the money into your account.
BOND: Vesper, you’re better at the thinking stuff than me, you do it.
VESPER: I don’t know the password.
BOND: It’s really predictable.
VESPER: Really predictable? Got it.
Vesper types her own name into the machine and the money is transferred. The Swiss Guy leaves.
VESPER: You know, James, if all there was left of you was your smile and your little finger, you’d still be more of a man than anyone I’ve ever known.
BOND: Really?
VESPER: But if all there was left of you was your right eyeball and your shinbone, then you’re not.
Time passes, Not much. Bond and Vesper fall into the Bond-movie approximation of love.
BOND: Hey Vesper, what say I quit and we go on a world tour?
VESPER: Sounds good to me. Can we go to Venice first?
They do. But while sailing along the main canal, Vesper spots a guy with an eyepatch.
VESPER: Oh no. Not the angst.
A day or two later, at most, she gets a mysterious text message.
VESPER: James, I’m just going out. I’ll be back in an hour or two.
BOND: Sure thing.
Then M calls.
M: Bond, you may have resigned, but that doesn’t mean you can steal $150 million from the Treasury!
BOND: I stole $150 million from the Treasury now?
M: Whatever, blockhead. Just get it transferred.
BOND: Yeah, okay.
Bond calls the Swiss Guy.
BOND: Hey, where’s the money gone?
SWISS GUY: Oh, it’s being withdrawn from the Venice branch.
BOND: That’s convenient! I just happen to be in Venice with my girlfriend…uh-oh.
Bond goes haring off after Vesper, who has withdrawn all the money. Eventually they end up in a strangely deserted courtyard, where Vesper hands over the money to Eyepatch.
EYEPATCH: I know you’ve been following us! Don’t come out or I’ll shoot your girl.
Bond kills all the bad guys anyway, but not before he floods the strangely deserted house and accidentally traps Vesper in an elevator. The elevator sinks. Bond dives in after it.
VESPER: Glubglubglubglub.
ROMANTICS: Oh, she’s saying ‘love’!
PRAGMATISTS: Why hasn’t she drowned by now?
BOND: Bluuuuuuuuuuuub!
WHOLE AUDIENCE: That’d be ‘noooooooooooooo!’, then.
After the required attempt at CPR, Bond gets over it and calls M.
M: Turns out she as being blackmailed.
BOND: It’s all her fault.
M: You moron, she did a deal with the people who shot Le Chiffre so you’re wouldn’t be shot right along with them!
BOND: Don’t care. Especially don’t care if I can’t have revenge.
M: Check her phone. I want you back at work on Tuesday, and please try not to shoot any more embassies up.
Sure enough, there’s a phone number and a name left on Vesper’s phone.
BOND: Score!
Cut to some semi-modern house somewhere near a bay.
MR. WHITE: Ahhhh, there’s nothing like coming home and staring at one’s wealth after a hard movie lurking menacingly in the background.
His phone rings.
BOND: You suck! Also, I have a gun. See?
MR. WHITE: No, I feel! Owowowowow.
BOND: Damn, I’m getting good at this shooting stuff.
AUDIENCE: An AK-47 is NOT a pistol!
It looks long, but the lines are short. I promise.
Casino Royale
In an ultra-modern office block in Prague, the James Bond franchise reverts to filming in black-and-white Cold War style.
RANDOM BADDIE: Okay, okay, I admit it! I sold secrets to the Soviets!
For some reason, we cut to Bond drowning a random in a bathroom somewhere.
RANDOM BADDIE: But you won’t kill me because you’ve never killed anyone before!
Bond shoots the Random Baddie, and we cut back to the bathroom somewhere, where he shoots the other random.
BOND: Eeek! You mean this gun thing can actually hurt someone?
The traditional credits sequence features many people dying in a gambling-themed way.
Somewhere in Uganda, it’s raining.
TERRORIST LEADER: So why should I trust this dude with my cash?
MR WHITE: You probably shouldn’t, but what the heck.
A black SUV rocks up. No, it doesn’t belong to Torchwood.
TERRORIST LEADER: So, what’s your motivation?
LE CHIFFRE: Money. Duh.
TERRORIST LEADER: And what’s your function?
LE CHIFFRE: To cry blood, piss people off, and swindle the most dangerous freedom fighters on earth.
TERRORIST LEADER: You sound trustworthy.
The Terrorist Leader hands over tons of cash to Le Chiffre.
LE CHIFFRE: And now to use this money in a plot that will definitely succeed.
BANK GUY: Are you sure about this?
LE CHIFFRE: I’ll bet my black-suited villainous credibility on it.
In Madagascar, people are watching a snake and a mongoose fight.
BOND: Hey, where’d my partner go?
PARTNER: AAAAAAGH SNAKE!
BOND: And where’s the Bomb Guy?
The Bomb Guy is running away as fast as he can.
BOND: Stop! Or I’ll…erm…keep chasing you!
And he does. Through a miniature jungle and a construction site.
BOMB GUY: You cannot catch me, for I am a Spiderman villain!
Sure enough, the Bomb Guy makes it to an embassy before Bond can shoot him. Bond follows him in, the rules of international relations not meaning anything to him.
BOND: Tag! You’re it!
After racing through a veritable bullet storm, Bond, with the Bomb Guy in tow, is cornered.
DIPLOMAT: What are you ON? You don’t just barge into embassies, sonny boy!
In response, Bond shoots the Bomb Guy, blows up the embassy, and steals the Bomb Guy’s phone and bag on his way out.
BOND: I’m really getting the hang of this shooting stuff! Oooooh, a text message!
AUDIENCE: Ellipsis. Nice. Cryptic, and definitely classier-sounding than SMERSH.
Cut to obligatory shot of a thin, bikini-clad woman emerging from the ocean. She walks into some boat.
LE CHIFFRE: Just here to prove that I’m a good poker player. Oh, and to remind you of my fail-proof plan. Those airline stocks will go down!
Cut to some government building, where M is stalking out in a rage.
M: I can’t believe that James Bond! Why did he do something so stupid?
LACKEY: Er…are you talking about the shooting-up-an-embassy thing or the sexual harassment suit?
M: Take your pick.
And cut to a dark room somewhere, where Bond is randomly clicking on the desktop.
BOND: What happens if I click on ‘plot point information’?
PLOT POINT: The ‘ellipsis’ text message was sent from this posh ocean resort in the Bahamas.
BOND: Cool.
M: How the HELL did you get into my apartment?
BOND: Oh, you left a key under the doormat.
M: And what the hell did you think you were doing, anyway?
BOND: There’s no law against going into embassies uninvited.
M: Just get out of here already, before I set the politicians on you.
The next we see of Bond, he’s in the Bahamas, driving towards the posh ocean resort in the obligatory expensive car.
Within a minute of his arrival, Bond determines that a Sleazy Guy sent the text message. How he suddenly became efficient we’ll never know.
BOND: Look, look, I can play poker too!
He pisses off the Sleazy Guy by winning his car. Then he tries to pick up the Sleazy Guy’s wife. He manages it, and she tells him that the Sleazy Guy is on the last flight to Miami.
Bond defies logic yet again by somehow managing to get to Miami, where he follows the Sleazy Guy around for a bit.
BOND: Noooo…I’m not following anyone.
SLEAZY GUY: Indeed not. I’m following you, with my knife in your back.
BOND: Really? Lemme see! Hey, that’s sharp!
Bond shoves the knife into the Sleazy Guy’s ribs, but then realises that the Sleazy Guy has managed to pass on instructions to another mad bomber. (Known as Mad Bomber from here on in.)
Mad Bomber gets to the airport. Bond is about ten metres behind him.
BOND: Nooo…I’m not following anyone.
MAD BOMBER: Oh yes you are!
The Mad Bomber changes into a police uniform and sets about trying to blow up a plane. In the ensuing chase scene, Bond picks up more bruises than any previous Bonds did in an entire movie.
But then he manages to blow the Mad Bomber up, so that’s okay then. Cut to the boat.
LE CHIFFRE: Oh god, this is so bad. So bad.
MINION: How much did you lose?
LE CHIFFRE: Only all of my clients’ funds.
MINION: You’re right. This is bad.
Cut to the posh beach resort, where the Sleazy Guy’s wife has been horribly, viciously murdered.
BOND: Oh well.
M: Yes, well, moving on. Le Chiffre is more or less bankrupt, so instead of getting an honest job, he’s going to try and win everything back in a poker game.
BOND: Sounds sensible.
M: …right. Anyway, you’re going to play in that game, as you’re brainless and expendable.
BOND: WOW! COOL!
M: And just so we can make sure you’re not going to lose your head entirely, here’s an irrelevant tracking implant.
BOND: Ow! Hey, that hurt!
M: Tough it out.
Cut to Bond on a train. There is a glowing red desert outside. He rocks up at Crown Casino.
BOND: Hey…where is everyone?
TEXT MESSAGE: Bond, the instructions were to go to Casino ROYALE in MONTENEGRO, not CROWN CASINO in MELBOURNE. Get your ass over there now. No love, M.
Cut to Bond on another train. There is a green forest outside.
VESPER: You took your own sweet time, Mr. Bond.
BOND: I took a wrong turn.
VESPER: I heard it was more like the wrong flight.
BOND: Yeah…well…
VESPER: Just for the record, I hate you and your stupid fancy suits and your overcompensating weaponry. I am just here to provide you with cash. Goodnight.
BOND: This assignment is gonna be fun!
They arrive in Montenegro. A porter hands Bond a message.
THE MESSAGE: Don’t bother with a cover, it’s useless. Oh, and even though you’re in a shared suite with Miss Lynd, if I hear you tried anything, I will feed you to the politicians. No love, M.
BOND: Yay, shared suite!
VESPER: Oh god no.
They arrive at the casino.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
VESPER: You moron, we’re supposed to at least check in with a false name!
BOND: Oooops.
The check-in clerk hands Bond a message.
THE MESSAGE: Since we spent out entire budget staking you for that poker game and trying to make that sexual harassment claim go away, we’ve only been able to get you a Beetle. If you want a better car, go fetch that Aston Martin you won. No love, M.
BOND: Awwww…
Cut to a café.
MATHIS: I am your friendly neighbourhood MI6 contact. Excuse me while I have the local chief of police arrested.
Cut to the shared suite.
BOND: Here, I bought you a dress.
VESPER: That’s nice, but it’s a size 16.
BOND: …so?
VESPER: I’m a size 8.
BOND: Oh.
VESPER: I bought you a suit.
BOND: That’s nice, but it’s my size.
VESPER: …so?
BOND: It’s just creepy, okay!
And finally, once the costumes are all worked out, we can start the poker game.
SWISS GUY: Please enter a totally predictable password.
BOND: Sure!
The game starts. Bond quickly loses a fair bit of cash.
BOND: It was totally worth it. Totally worth it. See, he’s got an obvious tic!
VESPER: Yeah, right.
During the break, they put an electronic bug into Le Chiffre’s inhaler, and then follow him up to his room.
LE CHIFFRE: Ah, it’s good to have a break after four difficult hours of playing cards.
TERRORIST LEADER: YOU DIE NOW!
LE CHIFFRE: But then I can’t give you a refund!
TERRORIST LEADER: YOU DIE LATER!
The Terrorist Leader storms out with a minion. On their way out they spot Bond and Vesper. And run screaming at them with a sword.
BOND: Eeek! Scary!
VESPER: Save me already!
BOND: No, save me!
The Terrorist Leader and his minion die. Very neatly too, considering one died from a fall and the other was strangled.
BOND: Er…Vesper? Can you get Mathis to deal with this?
VESPER: Sure thing…
After a stiff drink, Bond returns to the poker game.
LE CHIFFRE: You seem to have some dried blood on your hands, Mr. Bond. I do hope your poor performance in this game isn’t depressing you.
BOND: Yeah, well…you play bad too.
Cut to the shared suite. There is a shattered wineglass in Vesper’s room, and Vesper herself is nowhere to be seen.
BOND: Hey, Vesper, if you need a drink I seriously reckon you need something a bit stronger than wine.
VESPER: I can’t hear you, James. I’m trying to drown myself in the shower.
BOND: Oh, that won’t work either.
The next day:
BOND: What did you do with those terrorists, Mathis?
MATHIS: Stashed them in the car of one of Le Chiffre’s minions.
BOND: Hey, that’s a neat trick!
At the poker game that night, Le Chiffre’s tic shows again.
BOND: All in.
He loses.
LE CHIFFRE: Haha, good joke, Mr. Bond! That tic was far too obvious to have been real.
VESPER: You suck, James!
BOND: Damn,
Cut to a balcony, where Bond is attempting to stare pensively into the sunset. It looks like he’s staring vacantly across a road.
BOND: Hey, Vesper, can I buy back in?
VESPER: You blow!
BOND: Awwww, come on, please, please, please, please, I’ll keep doing this till you give in, please, please…
VESPER: YOU. BLOW.
Bond decides to stab Le Chiffre as soon as possible. Even though it’s against orders. But then, he’s proved to be remarkably deaf to the words ‘we need him alive’ throughout the entire movie.
CIA DUDE: Whoa, whoa! What’s the rush, MI6 boy?
BOND: Erm…I’m not actually sure.
CIA DUDE: I suck at poker worse than anyone at the table. I’ll buy you back in, if it means the CIA can stab Le Chiffre instead. You lot can keep the extra cash.
BOND: Aw…but I wanted to stab Le Chiffre!
CIA DUDE: Look, you moron, it’s a good deal.
BOND: Okay, okay. Fine.
Bond hands over the steak knife and goes back to the poker. The game continues until Bond is served a spiked drink.
BOND: Hey, barman! I ordered a martini, not digitalis!
BARMAN: You may want to go to the emergency room, sir.
BOND: This is a crisis! So I’ll go to my car.
Back at MI6 HQ, panic starts.
M: What’s Bond done now?
MI6 TECHIE: Been poisoned.
M: Well get him to take the universal antidote we’ve given him and restart his heart. I’m going back to bed. See you all in the morning.
BOND: Hey…this defibrillator stuff is tricky.
DOCTOR: It says ‘press here’! How tricky can it be?
There’s no response, as Bond has passed out. Fortunately for him, Vesper comes along soon afterwards.
VESPER: ‘Press here’…okay, sure. Can’t hurt.
BOND: What’d I miss? What’d I miss?
DOCTOR: About ten seconds of oxygen and a lifetime of brain function.
BOND: Oh, that’s okay then. Back to the poker game!
VESPER: What are you, some kind of moron?
AUDIENCE: Rocket scientist he ain’t.
Sure enough, Bond goes back to the poker game.
BOND: That last hand was murder.
LE CHIFFRE: Ha. Ha. Ha. Mr. Bond, you are very amusing.
As these scenes are dragging out, I mean, the audience didn’t come here to watch a card game, the director moves to conclude the part of the movie which requires the use of two brain cells.
LE CHIFFRE: You are obviously bluffing, Mr. Bond. All in.
BOND: And you have no obvious tic this time, All in.
Bond wins.
LE CHIFFRE: Well, damn. What were the odds of that?
AUDIENCE: In a Bond movie? About 100%.
VESPER: Okay, you’ve won. Will you go to the emergency room now?
BOND: After dinner.
VESPER: You are SUCH an idiot.
BOND: Do you like stupid men, Vesper?
VESPER: Lucky for you, I do.
BOND: Yay!
VESPER: Hang on, I just have to go outside and get kidnapped.
BOND: …hey, where’d she go?
Bond runs outside just in time to see Vesper being dragged into Le Chiffre’s car. She must have been waiting for quite a while to be abducted. Bond runs for his Beetle. There is no real car chase scene, surprisingly.
VESPER: Deer in the headlights!
BOND: Trash the car or run over the Bond Girl? Car or Bond Girl? Car or Bond Girl? Agh, Le Chiffre, why do you make me think?
VESPER: Think faster, you’re about to run me over!
BOND: I better trash the car, as there are no body and fender shops for Bond Girls.
He does. Le Chiffre and Co. haul him out of the car, remove Bond’s poinltless implant, and chuck him in the back seat.
LE CHIFFRE: And all thanks to Mathis.
BOND: So he’s a bad guy then?
Everyone arrives at some bunker. Vesper is chucked into one room, and starts screeching her head off. Bond stays in the entryway and is tied naked to a chair.
LE CHIFFRE: You’re not a eunuch, are you?
BOND: No…why?
LE CHIFFRE: Because I intend to make you one if you don’t give me the money.
BOND: I guess this is a bad time to mention that I forgot the ridiculously predictable password.
LE CHIFFRE: No, it’s not.
Le Chiffre beats up on Bond. But then Mr. White enters the room.
LE CHIFFRE: Just getting the money now!
MR. WHITE: Really? Doesn’t look like it.
Mr. White shoots Le Chifrre, and we have a white-out. It would appear Bond is taken to hospital.
Cut to a very nice hospital garden.
MATHIS: Here, James, drink this.
BOND: But you’re a bad guy! The other bad guy told me so!
Some MI6 men stun Mathis and drag him away. Some time later, Vesper comes by while Bond is napping.
BOND: Oh, hi there, Vesper.
VESPER: So…you better yet? Only I was wondering-
SWISS GUY: Hello, hello, hello! I am here to be annoying and to get you to transfer the money into your account.
BOND: Vesper, you’re better at the thinking stuff than me, you do it.
VESPER: I don’t know the password.
BOND: It’s really predictable.
VESPER: Really predictable? Got it.
Vesper types her own name into the machine and the money is transferred. The Swiss Guy leaves.
VESPER: You know, James, if all there was left of you was your smile and your little finger, you’d still be more of a man than anyone I’ve ever known.
BOND: Really?
VESPER: But if all there was left of you was your right eyeball and your shinbone, then you’re not.
Time passes, Not much. Bond and Vesper fall into the Bond-movie approximation of love.
BOND: Hey Vesper, what say I quit and we go on a world tour?
VESPER: Sounds good to me. Can we go to Venice first?
They do. But while sailing along the main canal, Vesper spots a guy with an eyepatch.
VESPER: Oh no. Not the angst.
A day or two later, at most, she gets a mysterious text message.
VESPER: James, I’m just going out. I’ll be back in an hour or two.
BOND: Sure thing.
Then M calls.
M: Bond, you may have resigned, but that doesn’t mean you can steal $150 million from the Treasury!
BOND: I stole $150 million from the Treasury now?
M: Whatever, blockhead. Just get it transferred.
BOND: Yeah, okay.
Bond calls the Swiss Guy.
BOND: Hey, where’s the money gone?
SWISS GUY: Oh, it’s being withdrawn from the Venice branch.
BOND: That’s convenient! I just happen to be in Venice with my girlfriend…uh-oh.
Bond goes haring off after Vesper, who has withdrawn all the money. Eventually they end up in a strangely deserted courtyard, where Vesper hands over the money to Eyepatch.
EYEPATCH: I know you’ve been following us! Don’t come out or I’ll shoot your girl.
Bond kills all the bad guys anyway, but not before he floods the strangely deserted house and accidentally traps Vesper in an elevator. The elevator sinks. Bond dives in after it.
VESPER: Glubglubglubglub.
ROMANTICS: Oh, she’s saying ‘love’!
PRAGMATISTS: Why hasn’t she drowned by now?
BOND: Bluuuuuuuuuuuub!
WHOLE AUDIENCE: That’d be ‘noooooooooooooo!’, then.
After the required attempt at CPR, Bond gets over it and calls M.
M: Turns out she as being blackmailed.
BOND: It’s all her fault.
M: You moron, she did a deal with the people who shot Le Chiffre so you’re wouldn’t be shot right along with them!
BOND: Don’t care. Especially don’t care if I can’t have revenge.
M: Check her phone. I want you back at work on Tuesday, and please try not to shoot any more embassies up.
Sure enough, there’s a phone number and a name left on Vesper’s phone.
BOND: Score!
Cut to some semi-modern house somewhere near a bay.
MR. WHITE: Ahhhh, there’s nothing like coming home and staring at one’s wealth after a hard movie lurking menacingly in the background.
His phone rings.
BOND: You suck! Also, I have a gun. See?
MR. WHITE: No, I feel! Owowowowow.
BOND: Damn, I’m getting good at this shooting stuff.
AUDIENCE: An AK-47 is NOT a pistol!
It looks long, but the lines are short. I promise.