Musings
I had a good time earlier laughing at all the drama and the silliness of it all. [Whilst being part of said drama, its that talented acting again.] God must be like, “Ha! You mere mortals and your drama filled pathetic lives!” [Go die now, to quote Aileen ^^] And I am absolutely sick of people saying something that they think they mean, when they do the complete opposite. Like talking behind peoples backs, we all do it, maybe not Issy cause she’s cool, but the rest of us, we all do it. Too often for our own goods, non of us are excluded, even yours truly. [Because I do. Wether on purpose on not, life happens.] I talked to Lego until her phone battery died, watched some Weather Channel to check up on Rita, wondered if the power went out and what the damned beeping was! [Come to find out, it was our carbon monoxide meter, it needed a new battery, the damned thing.] Anywho, so I ate some dinner, yelled at my Dad, came in here, did homework, yawned 10000 times cause I’m tired. Mused a bit more.
And then my Mom called for my Dad and he got all pissed off at her, and hit the nerve that’s been bugging me for a while. And yes, I am in a bad mood, thou has been warned. Warn warn warn warn warn! You CAN’T possibly miss that. WARNING: BAD MOOD. KTHNX! [XD. Kthnx is fun to say, and annoy n00bs. Whee] And yes, here I go again, [sans jumping on the roof of an elephant and singing.] Wow, look at me, I’m complaining about life again! And if you have a problem with that you can shove it up you...well pick a hole. And imagine this! I’m ranting about how my Mother’s illness sucks. [Try living with it for a day, I dare.] And I hope I sound pissed, because some of you are just such a buncha fucking idiots! [Aren’t we all?] [Sans Lego. And various others, depending on meh mood] So, back to the point I almost forgot. So I’m sitting in my room, half daydreaming when my Dad gets all pissy. And I have that overwhelming urge to smack him for treating my mother like a kid. And then I hit on the nerve that made me text message Lauren on Saturday. [The nerve I never fully explained to her, sorry mate.] Because I sat/sit there/here and I realized that its weird. [Wee, I’m being vague] I don’t really know how to say what I’m saying. People treat my Mother differently now. And I realize that the women who raised me, that personality that’s kept my safe forever-well its so distorted that I have times seeing it. I can barely remember Christmas time in my old house let alone my Mother being well. [And yes, I’ve started to cry now, thats lovely, you don’t give a damn.] And her brain’s so shitty from all the medicine that half the time I’m surprised she remembers all our names. She forgets if I’ve come home from school or not. And she has to walk around in a walker, and she can’t drive anymore. She can’t do anything alone, really, because she’s so unstable she falls a lot. She never really wants to eat and you can tell she’s slowly using the will to live. She can’t even watch movies with me, and I remember the 1000 times I’d skip Friday night football games because I’d rather stay home and watch with her. [Because, certain people like to ignore those of us without male counterparts, and then they get mad when people try to talk to said counterpart. And I don’t mean Lauren. <3 Lego <3.] She promised she’d watch Beauty and the Beast with me, but she prolly never will. It makes me want to grab Death by the arm and strangle it. [Ooh. Personification.] And I’m fucking sick of having to appear happy or [-inserts pause here cause Mother randomly asked if yours truly was crying. Wasn’t crying right then. Voice choked up. Can’t breathe. Sounds like Vader-] or whatever damn emotion. We all live by this game where we always have to be nice. Its like, I feel like I should be super sweet to Gabby or Lauren because they’re sick. And you know, people get annoyed if I start crying, because I’m such a fucking crybaby all the time. And I can’t tell people the things I want to say because people cut me off and never listen. Like when I tried to explain that whole hair thing to Megan about her boyfriend. Yes, maybe I WAS phrasing it wrong, but if Gabby had shut her mouth for two seconds I could have finished. Which I did later on, and Mae totally understands. Or acts like she does. Cause Mike has kickass curly hair. xP. Curly hair rocks. And yes, his hair totally looks like Megan’s. [Fate, my dear, tis Fate.] Yes, everyone wants to help me, and that’s super sweet of you all, but its human tendency to be nice when someone’s down, and more normal when someone’s up. [Yes, stfu, we all do thus.] And I guess whats bothering me is that fact it APPEARS [Appears appears!!!!] that everyone else is having such a dandy old time while my life is cow shit. [Which isn’t true cause everyone’s life is cow shit too.] But when life gives you cow shit, the shit’s only fertilizer to help you grow. [Paraphrased from Furuba] So I’m just pissed at that I’m never going to have the Mom I once had. And sometimes I get a glimpse of what I’m missing, and honestly it made me have acid reflux earlier and just now. Thinking of it puts that pit of acidic gloom in my stomach. [Psh. Bohemian Poet.] She used to do things, and now she can’t. The last movie the two of us watched alone together was Revenge of the Sith. [I <3 SW] which was nice because we’ve both grown up [kinda] with Star Wars. Although she fell asleep and I had to explain what was going on. But it was still fun. And now its like she’s a walking corpse, that you can practically see the cancer eating her. Yeah, she’s not fat or pregnant, thats a belly full of tumors. Cross, yes I know. And I just need to go watch some movie and kill things and cuddle my french love, Zoey, and eat Lauren’s food and let her mother get us wasted, ^^, and sing Disney songs really loud. But I don’t get to cry that often. I can’t just sit there and cry, and if I do then its alone, like now. Albiet I do have a computer, and a captive audience that prolly won’t read this right away. Although Lauren’ll prolly be the first to reply, as per usual. Half the time if I cry, its crying alone in a dark room as I try to fall asleep. I guess people see crying as a weakness, but if you can’t cry then you can’t feel that emotion. Its one thing to see a play that makes you feel sad, its another thing when they actors can make you react physically, like cry and laugh and yell etc. [Like...the younglings. Tear, Hayden, Tear.] So, I completely lost my ranting point. Ahem. Life sucks. xD.
On another note, a rather sour whimsical operatic note that is a bit too high on the keyboard of a piano thats got its strings tightly placed. And happening to be a Bflat. Dudes, do me a favour, all of you, and don’t diss Lauren in front of me. [Ooh, wow look at you ready to kill me tommorow, tough shit Shirlocks!] Because she is the only one of you I can call in 4 minutes and be like, “I need you.” And she’d let me come over and play with her dog and watch a movie and help me out. And who gives a damn about this distance. Because Lauren is one of the best people you’ll ever meet and if you can’t see that then your blind. [And CRAZY.] Besides that, her family’s awesome, and she’s got a kickass dog thats my french lover!
As I have lost my ranting point, I will end this now.
Girls are pear shaped vials of emotion that have fallen on the glass floor and shattered into pieces. Those pieces have been reshapes into something more beautiful then the original, something stronger, more artistic, and more priceless because of its flaws. Never hide your flaws, your emotions, yourself.
-Beth