It Wouldn’t Be My Life if I was Happy.
WARNING: Yes. This is another one of my ‘I’m depressed, screw the world’ posts so if that bothers you fuck off. Thank you and have a nice day.
And to save everyone the effort of reading the damn thing I’m going to put it under LJ cuts you ya’ll can ignore it like you really want to.
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“Click Meh to Read”
And so, I visited my Grandmother in the Hospital today and re-agnize why I really never want to go into a hospital again. Besides that fact that half the time it seems as if I spend my life in hospitals, and the other half seems to be me alone, at home, while everyone else is doing something. [Hence why I am alone, at home.] So I stayed there for a while, being a bit grossed out by some things. Lunch was decent and I had fun talking to my Aunt. But I almost started crying on the way home. While listening to the Moulin Rouge CD. And I DON’T cry during anything Moulin Rouge unless I’m really upset. So I think there is something wrong with this.
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NEW WARNING: Okay, so I’m about to totally confess my view on some things that are happening, so you can read, but some of it might get you mad. So I’m warning you ahead of time that I’m going to be quite blunt and its your own fault if you read it, so don’t come yelling at me.<3 <3 <3
“Read Warning then Click Meh”
So I’ve been really upset this week and trying to come to a conclusion with why I am upset. But every time I do I sit there and try to blame Lauren for all of it. Which is kinda amusing because I know quite well that she is not doing half of what I blame her for. And I <3 her anyways.
But it just seems that everyone’s decided to be Lauren’s best friend and I just get shoved by everyone off to one side. And I guess I’m jealous, actually I’ll openly admit to being jealous. Like when Lauren invited me to spend the night Friday, she asked me like Wednesday night if I could but then we realized she’d have to get up super early. I felt kinda bad when she said it was a bad idea because I really wanted to spend the night sometime. Then the next day Gabby comes up to me or something and tells me not to ask Lauren if I can spend the night? As if that is any of anyone else business if I am over at Lauren’s or not. I actually think Lauren asked me in the first place. So I got all ticked because it wasn’t really Gabby’s place to tell me what the hell not to do. After all I’m smart enough to realize it was a stupid idea, I don’t need people telling me I’m stupid all the time. I kinda wanted to back out of seeing the movie because I’ve been so down, I’m really no fun to be around. [Actually I’m no fun at all, really] I almost called Lauren twice to tell her I was going to cancel. I couldn’t find any money at first. And besides I wasn’t really comfortable with driving that late at night because I rarely do.
And I used to think Megan hated me when I was becoming close with Lauren and if she did I can totally understand that now. I mean Gabby was a bitch about Lauren the other day, and Lauren completely invites her over and crap. Which bothers me because I try to always be there for everyone, but I’m really easy to shove off to the side. Probably because I’m quite good at acting and telling people I’m fine when I’m really not.
So I’ll admit to really not being fine about all of this. Which is completely a human reaction, overblown by the combination of teenage hormones and manic-depression. Not entirely my fault. I really didn’t wake up one day and decide that I wanted to be depressed.
So then I got reannoyed when Lauren invited Gabby to spend the night, After all didn’t Gabby just like order me not to ask if I could? So I’ve just been jealous of the way Gabby seems to always want to go to Lauren’s house then completely blows everyone off to spend the entire night talking to Jeff. Um, no wonder she couldn’t get a date! Everyone must have thought she was dating Jeff! Heck, I did for a while.
So I’ve been saying So way too many times. And I’ve really needed to spend time with Lauren, but I never seem to get the chance. And I feel horrible bothering her. Like I was really upset one day and I texted her, but she was at Gabby’s and I completely lied about how I was because I didn’t want to ruin her time. And that’s happened a lot lately, but I feel that I’m intruding on her time whenever I need her. Like I feel like I need her now, but she’s getting ready for a double date so of course I won’t call and bother her. [That’d be mean.] Like get like this and freak out over things and start crying but all I do is sit here in my room and write about it. Truthfully, no one likes to be called by a friend whose freaking out and crying. Although everyone tells me to call them but I just can’t do it. I’d love to go see Valient right about now and hear Ewan McGregor’s voice and laugh. Or see Corpse Bride again because it was amazingly cute and I loved it. But no one could really get down here by the time the movie starts and besides, I don’t have any money let to see it. I even owe Patrick some money for helping me buy the popcorn. [Which was good.] So I’ll just sit here all night or go to bed early as my Dad wont let me watch any TV. So I’ll be here if anyone needs me.
Whee.
-Beth
And to save everyone the effort of reading the damn thing I’m going to put it under LJ cuts you ya’ll can ignore it like you really want to.
-------------------------------------
“Click Meh to Read”
And so, I visited my Grandmother in the Hospital today and re-agnize why I really never want to go into a hospital again. Besides that fact that half the time it seems as if I spend my life in hospitals, and the other half seems to be me alone, at home, while everyone else is doing something. [Hence why I am alone, at home.] So I stayed there for a while, being a bit grossed out by some things. Lunch was decent and I had fun talking to my Aunt. But I almost started crying on the way home. While listening to the Moulin Rouge CD. And I DON’T cry during anything Moulin Rouge unless I’m really upset. So I think there is something wrong with this.
--------------------------------------
NEW WARNING: Okay, so I’m about to totally confess my view on some things that are happening, so you can read, but some of it might get you mad. So I’m warning you ahead of time that I’m going to be quite blunt and its your own fault if you read it, so don’t come yelling at me.<3 <3 <3
“Read Warning then Click Meh”
So I’ve been really upset this week and trying to come to a conclusion with why I am upset. But every time I do I sit there and try to blame Lauren for all of it. Which is kinda amusing because I know quite well that she is not doing half of what I blame her for. And I <3 her anyways.
But it just seems that everyone’s decided to be Lauren’s best friend and I just get shoved by everyone off to one side. And I guess I’m jealous, actually I’ll openly admit to being jealous. Like when Lauren invited me to spend the night Friday, she asked me like Wednesday night if I could but then we realized she’d have to get up super early. I felt kinda bad when she said it was a bad idea because I really wanted to spend the night sometime. Then the next day Gabby comes up to me or something and tells me not to ask Lauren if I can spend the night? As if that is any of anyone else business if I am over at Lauren’s or not. I actually think Lauren asked me in the first place. So I got all ticked because it wasn’t really Gabby’s place to tell me what the hell not to do. After all I’m smart enough to realize it was a stupid idea, I don’t need people telling me I’m stupid all the time. I kinda wanted to back out of seeing the movie because I’ve been so down, I’m really no fun to be around. [Actually I’m no fun at all, really] I almost called Lauren twice to tell her I was going to cancel. I couldn’t find any money at first. And besides I wasn’t really comfortable with driving that late at night because I rarely do.
And I used to think Megan hated me when I was becoming close with Lauren and if she did I can totally understand that now. I mean Gabby was a bitch about Lauren the other day, and Lauren completely invites her over and crap. Which bothers me because I try to always be there for everyone, but I’m really easy to shove off to the side. Probably because I’m quite good at acting and telling people I’m fine when I’m really not.
So I’ll admit to really not being fine about all of this. Which is completely a human reaction, overblown by the combination of teenage hormones and manic-depression. Not entirely my fault. I really didn’t wake up one day and decide that I wanted to be depressed.
So then I got reannoyed when Lauren invited Gabby to spend the night, After all didn’t Gabby just like order me not to ask if I could? So I’ve just been jealous of the way Gabby seems to always want to go to Lauren’s house then completely blows everyone off to spend the entire night talking to Jeff. Um, no wonder she couldn’t get a date! Everyone must have thought she was dating Jeff! Heck, I did for a while.
So I’ve been saying So way too many times. And I’ve really needed to spend time with Lauren, but I never seem to get the chance. And I feel horrible bothering her. Like I was really upset one day and I texted her, but she was at Gabby’s and I completely lied about how I was because I didn’t want to ruin her time. And that’s happened a lot lately, but I feel that I’m intruding on her time whenever I need her. Like I feel like I need her now, but she’s getting ready for a double date so of course I won’t call and bother her. [That’d be mean.] Like get like this and freak out over things and start crying but all I do is sit here in my room and write about it. Truthfully, no one likes to be called by a friend whose freaking out and crying. Although everyone tells me to call them but I just can’t do it. I’d love to go see Valient right about now and hear Ewan McGregor’s voice and laugh. Or see Corpse Bride again because it was amazingly cute and I loved it. But no one could really get down here by the time the movie starts and besides, I don’t have any money let to see it. I even owe Patrick some money for helping me buy the popcorn. [Which was good.] So I’ll just sit here all night or go to bed early as my Dad wont let me watch any TV. So I’ll be here if anyone needs me.
Whee.
-Beth