first attempt at a new poem

Apr 10, 2008 13:48

If my body fell away ( Read more... )

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Comments 4

psychodelia May 19 2008, 16:48:21 UTC
very nice, i don't believe i've seen any of your writing before. the 'would you would' lines seem a bit awkward, also after saying could not once you might be able to carry more momentum and focus on the following lines by not repeating it. the imagery is strong, it'd be interesting to hear how you would read it. maybe a bit of formatting to provide breaks and emphasis.

it kinda reminds me of a carla kihlstedt song 'peel'

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echo_eriol June 12 2008, 16:56:06 UTC
OK...points taken. Revised.

If my body fell away
the skin breaking down
into bits and bits of dust
as my tresses crumbled
and my nails cracked
as my bones melted through
leaving my form true
but a roundish jellied mess
If the flowers in my name wilted
and my throat constricted
so that the sound of my voice
was
only a memory
whispered in your half-forgotten dreams
a song caught in thoughts
echoing before any word was sung
before my lungs could squeeze
the force of sound
and not even my eyes
could scream
or laugh in joy
or show a window to my soul
If I was still
unchanged
still changing
If I somehow smiled
would
you would
still love me
would you
know
that even if I
could not
hug you
or whisper, “Hi”
even if I could not
twist my legs around you
or taste your sweat
even if I could
not hear your voice
always or ever
and even if your face and form
never existed
or existed but were never mine
I still
would love you
still and…
always still

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