(no subject)
I am the sweetest girl you'll ever know. The light in your solitary life. I was your dream and fantasy. "With you here I don't need porn." The only purity, the only good you had. Your inspiration, your strength. I was your private goddess. I bathed in your praise, I lapped up your words. I put on my best performance. Even I was convinced. I am the cruelest bitch you'll ever know. The stress tightening at your chest and heart. I was the one who spoke the truth aned made you see your own reflection. I was the one who cut you down. I threw those words like knives to your back and as the words and objects flew back at me I was the one who snapped and broke your flesh. I was the one who ran out into the night. You were the strongest person I'll ever know. The one to guide me away from the dark. You were the one to help me forget. With you I never had to go back to that place. You were the only one to recognise me, the only one to see all that I can be. You got to see my weakest and you lifted me higher. You are the weakest bastard I know. The one who misguided and abused that trust. You were the one who made me relive that hell. With you I started to hate again. You created chaos and claimed it was me. You're more manipulative than even I could be. You threw back your kindness to gain control, you threw glasses, you threw me, you denied it all. You were the one to use my weakness, the one who crossed that final line. You turned the sweetest girl in the world into a violent heartless bitch. And for one moment you broke her again. As I lay there with the pillow over my face the tears ran down my cheeks and the pain was intense and you knew. You knew and you kept going. After everything, you kept going. And afterwards you had the nerve to be angry. I made you feel bad because I was crying. It was all my fault, right? In that moment I decided to hate instead of break. And while I know I was not perfect and lost control, I'm fucking proud of it. Not of losing control or allowing you to push me to that extreme, but of attacking ack instead of taking it. You may deny it out loud and even deny it to me moments after it happened but you will have to live with yourself and the knowledge of the lines you crossed. Slapping someone across the face in anger is hitting someone, I don't give a fuck what your excuses are. Hitting someone across the back of the head hard enough for it to hurt two days later is hitting a lady. I don't give a fuck if it was to 'calm me down'. If you hadn't locked me in your room I wouldn't have needed calming. I thought you were everything I was looking for and you turned out to be everything I need to avoid. Your strength is a mirage, your kindess a front for selfish gain. And the anger you felt towards people in my past is a pathetic joke considering what you became. I will miss the illusion I had of you, but I wil ltake comfort and strength from hating you. You stole me away from the best thing in my life and I will never forgive you. For a brief time I was happy again and got it back. But because of the mere fact that you exist, that I went near you, I lost it again. Because he can't forget. Yes, I was stupid, I admit and accept that. But hating you is all I have to keep me going at the moment. I would much prefer to hate than to break down.