How I'm actually doing right now... (updated 10-16-08)
… So, as some of you may know, things are not going well in the land of Ed & Ashley, to the point where that part of the world may cease to exist. I’ve been holding a lot in for a very long time, and with Ashley leaving, I’ve come apart at the seams. I’ve been unloading on just about anyone that will listen, and I’m hoping that posting about what’s going on will help get that out of my system. Plus, I won’t have to explain it over and over again anymore. I’ll be sticking it under the cut for those that don’t want to get involved or don’t want to choose sides, although that’s not what this is about. It’s me trying to explain where I’m at, why I feel the way I do, and how I got here…
.. Ashley and I have been in trouble for a while. She’s told me on a number of occasions over the last few years that she wasn’t happy. My response was to promise that things would get better. Looking back, I know I wasn’t happy either, and I’ve figured (or had pointed out) some of the things I did wrong. One of my biggest mistakes was my belief that making her happy was more important that my happiness. As she can attest, over the years I’d become more unable to say no to her, to the point of almost never disagreeing with her. I thought this would help make her happy, and that if she was happy, then I would be happy, and that it would all work out. I took the coward’s way out, oblivious of all other avenues to fix this, and of the damage I was doing to myself. The longer this went on, the unhappier I got, the more I held in. The more I tried to distance myself from my unhappiness, the further the distance between us increased. I was sliding towards (or into) depression, and unable to see it. I encouraged her to be more social, as I became more antisocial. Ashley’s frustration grew. With her frustration, her spending habits spiraled out of control, making me unhappier. The downward cycle continued, and my father’s death last year only made it worse. I clamped down on everything I was feeling, because it was the only way I knew how to cope. Ashley brought up the idea of counseling for us. My answer only angered her more: “If you think we should.” If only we’d realized then that I was unable to do anything to help myself, unable to take that first step, much less point the way to get help for us. We finally saw a therapist last week, but I don’t feel that a whole lot was accomplished, probably because we both skirted the issue of what’s been going on between us this month. (that’s next) While we were there, the therapist strongly suggested I go get checked out for depression. I did so the next day. I’ve been on Zoloft since Friday. That edge of clarity has helped with the realization above. My hope is that it’s not too late for me to make use of it. Why?
… Because even through all that’s happened, I still love her, and I want her with me…
… On the first of this month, Ashley told me she was moving out. (sometime in September; she's not sure on the date yet) She felt that she was no longer in love with me, she was still unhappy, that we didn’t communicate, that I never shared with her how I felt, that nothing had improved, that all we did was exist around each other, that all we had left right now was being Theo’s parents. She felt that she’s was losing her identity within the current relationship, and that we needed a break, in order to separately deal with our own issues, and that after we each started healing, that maybe we still might have a future. She felt guilty for leaving, but it was the only thing she could do to save herself. She also assured me that she wasn’t leaving me for someone else, that she hadn’t cheated on me, but that once we separated, she didn't know if, when or whom she might become involved with, and that I should probably consider doing the same. I was stunned. I went to hang out with some old college buddies (as I try to regularly do on Fridays), and I couldn’t even share with them what was going on. The next day was Theo’s birthday party, and everything seemed to go okay. That night I started falling apart. I had gotten into the habit of regularly eyeballing our checking account online, since I couldn’t count on Ashley to keep me appraised of her spending. A hotel room had been charged to her check card. My control cracked, and continued to worsen over the next few days. I started having serious problems sleeping, and eating quickly became a chore that was easier to ignore everyday. She assured that it wasn’t what I thought, that she was helping someone in a bad situation, that he was the one she planned to move in with, but that nothing was going on. I believed her. (I still believe her that nothing happened that night) As the flood of emotions I had held in check came out, Ashley became more and more upset and angered with how I was reacting. She kept asking me why I kept trying to make it harder. That wasn't my intent at all. After months (if not years) of not doing anything, I was trying any and everything to improve things between, with no regard as to whether or not it was a good idea. Inaction was no longer an option. I even reached out to one of her close friends, looking for perspective from someone who knew her well and had been made aware of what was going on. I did this the following Tuesday, on Theo's actual birthday. She called me at the end of her shift, infuriated that I was putting her friends in the middle of our issues. Again, not my intent; I was trying anything that came to mind, and doing it on less and less sleep. She didn't come home that night, didn't answer my calls or texts. The next day after court (a whole 'nother story; suffice it to say it went well), after still not hearing from her. I drove by her work. Her car was not there. I started panicking. Once I got to work, I started calling any and everyone to try to contact her, to see if anyone and her from her at some point after we had last spoken. Still no contact. I broke down that night in front of Theo. By Thursday I was at wits end. I planned to file a missing persons report that day. Finally I contacted someone that had spoken with her, that she was okay, but still no details. She came back that night, still angry with me. I was SO relieved that she was okay. She had taken off, fed up with me, and given him a ride to Athens. While there, they had sex. She felt no need to be dishonest with me. I was crushed by her words, happy she was back; in general, a complete wreck. I slept almost 4 hours that night, the most all week. The next night I skipped going out and bought alcohol to force myself to pass out. The following night (Saturday) I did my regular online banking overview. Another hotel room! I was finally livid! When she got home the next afternoon, she admitted to seeing him again, and thus started days of some of the vilest, meanest arguments we've ever had. I can't remember anything that comes close. Sleeping became almost nonexistent. I was forcing myself to eat at least once a day. We went to the above mentioned therapist. More arguing that afternoon. I went and unloaded on another supportive shoulder that evening. Got some useful perspective. Was able to let go of the majority of hate and anger I was feeling for Ashley. I was so burnt out from it. We were able to speak that night without fighting. We haven't fought since. Not only was I given a prescription for depression, I was also prescribed Ambien so that I could finally sleep. I feel better now, but it seems so unreal; it's hard to reconcile where I am now to where I was less than a week ago...
Update 10-16-08: I no longer believe the reason she gave me for that first hotel room. The night after she told me she was going to move out, that, at the latest, was when I feel she started seeing him. The same night as Theo's birthday party. I'm not sure if I want to know what else she's lied to me about...
... That's pretty much it. A glimpse of my pain. Even with being on an antidepressant, the pain is still there. I just don't dwell on it all day. In fact, I don't want it to go away. If I stop hurting, I'm afraid it will mean that I'm over her. I don't want that yet. Right now, I still want her. Right now, I could forgive all the pain to save us. I'm just afraid it's too late. But I won't let the fear stop me from trying. Not anymore. At the very least, I'll save myself from what I've become...
... I like to thank everyone who has lent their support to me thus far; I'd be in a much worse place otherwise. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just ready to let people in; I don't want to hold back anymore. Also, I'm not trying to lay blame here; there's more than enough of that to go around. I'm not interested in anyone being angered or upset with either one of us over this; I've been able to let go of most of my anger (before the drugs), so I'd prefer to get as little of that as possible here. Any issues you'd like to share can be taken up with me personally. All I'm looking for right now are kind words; not necessarily platitudes, but genuine positives thoughts directed my way. I need them...
... Only one person has told me that I shouldn't immediately divorce her. Some others have encouraged the idea of divorce. They may be right, but that's not what I want right now. Some have only seen my pain, my side of what has happened, but mine is not the only side...
“I'm still in love with you. I don't want to imagine feeling otherwise right now. I wish we could have started figuring this out sooner. I hope it's not too late.”
.. Ashley and I have been in trouble for a while. She’s told me on a number of occasions over the last few years that she wasn’t happy. My response was to promise that things would get better. Looking back, I know I wasn’t happy either, and I’ve figured (or had pointed out) some of the things I did wrong. One of my biggest mistakes was my belief that making her happy was more important that my happiness. As she can attest, over the years I’d become more unable to say no to her, to the point of almost never disagreeing with her. I thought this would help make her happy, and that if she was happy, then I would be happy, and that it would all work out. I took the coward’s way out, oblivious of all other avenues to fix this, and of the damage I was doing to myself. The longer this went on, the unhappier I got, the more I held in. The more I tried to distance myself from my unhappiness, the further the distance between us increased. I was sliding towards (or into) depression, and unable to see it. I encouraged her to be more social, as I became more antisocial. Ashley’s frustration grew. With her frustration, her spending habits spiraled out of control, making me unhappier. The downward cycle continued, and my father’s death last year only made it worse. I clamped down on everything I was feeling, because it was the only way I knew how to cope. Ashley brought up the idea of counseling for us. My answer only angered her more: “If you think we should.” If only we’d realized then that I was unable to do anything to help myself, unable to take that first step, much less point the way to get help for us. We finally saw a therapist last week, but I don’t feel that a whole lot was accomplished, probably because we both skirted the issue of what’s been going on between us this month. (that’s next) While we were there, the therapist strongly suggested I go get checked out for depression. I did so the next day. I’ve been on Zoloft since Friday. That edge of clarity has helped with the realization above. My hope is that it’s not too late for me to make use of it. Why?
… Because even through all that’s happened, I still love her, and I want her with me…
… On the first of this month, Ashley told me she was moving out. (sometime in September; she's not sure on the date yet) She felt that she was no longer in love with me, she was still unhappy, that we didn’t communicate, that I never shared with her how I felt, that nothing had improved, that all we did was exist around each other, that all we had left right now was being Theo’s parents. She felt that she’s was losing her identity within the current relationship, and that we needed a break, in order to separately deal with our own issues, and that after we each started healing, that maybe we still might have a future. She felt guilty for leaving, but it was the only thing she could do to save herself. She also assured me that she wasn’t leaving me for someone else, that she hadn’t cheated on me, but that once we separated, she didn't know if, when or whom she might become involved with, and that I should probably consider doing the same. I was stunned. I went to hang out with some old college buddies (as I try to regularly do on Fridays), and I couldn’t even share with them what was going on. The next day was Theo’s birthday party, and everything seemed to go okay. That night I started falling apart. I had gotten into the habit of regularly eyeballing our checking account online, since I couldn’t count on Ashley to keep me appraised of her spending. A hotel room had been charged to her check card. My control cracked, and continued to worsen over the next few days. I started having serious problems sleeping, and eating quickly became a chore that was easier to ignore everyday. She assured that it wasn’t what I thought, that she was helping someone in a bad situation, that he was the one she planned to move in with, but that nothing was going on. I believed her. (I still believe her that nothing happened that night) As the flood of emotions I had held in check came out, Ashley became more and more upset and angered with how I was reacting. She kept asking me why I kept trying to make it harder. That wasn't my intent at all. After months (if not years) of not doing anything, I was trying any and everything to improve things between, with no regard as to whether or not it was a good idea. Inaction was no longer an option. I even reached out to one of her close friends, looking for perspective from someone who knew her well and had been made aware of what was going on. I did this the following Tuesday, on Theo's actual birthday. She called me at the end of her shift, infuriated that I was putting her friends in the middle of our issues. Again, not my intent; I was trying anything that came to mind, and doing it on less and less sleep. She didn't come home that night, didn't answer my calls or texts. The next day after court (a whole 'nother story; suffice it to say it went well), after still not hearing from her. I drove by her work. Her car was not there. I started panicking. Once I got to work, I started calling any and everyone to try to contact her, to see if anyone and her from her at some point after we had last spoken. Still no contact. I broke down that night in front of Theo. By Thursday I was at wits end. I planned to file a missing persons report that day. Finally I contacted someone that had spoken with her, that she was okay, but still no details. She came back that night, still angry with me. I was SO relieved that she was okay. She had taken off, fed up with me, and given him a ride to Athens. While there, they had sex. She felt no need to be dishonest with me. I was crushed by her words, happy she was back; in general, a complete wreck. I slept almost 4 hours that night, the most all week. The next night I skipped going out and bought alcohol to force myself to pass out. The following night (Saturday) I did my regular online banking overview. Another hotel room! I was finally livid! When she got home the next afternoon, she admitted to seeing him again, and thus started days of some of the vilest, meanest arguments we've ever had. I can't remember anything that comes close. Sleeping became almost nonexistent. I was forcing myself to eat at least once a day. We went to the above mentioned therapist. More arguing that afternoon. I went and unloaded on another supportive shoulder that evening. Got some useful perspective. Was able to let go of the majority of hate and anger I was feeling for Ashley. I was so burnt out from it. We were able to speak that night without fighting. We haven't fought since. Not only was I given a prescription for depression, I was also prescribed Ambien so that I could finally sleep. I feel better now, but it seems so unreal; it's hard to reconcile where I am now to where I was less than a week ago...
Update 10-16-08: I no longer believe the reason she gave me for that first hotel room. The night after she told me she was going to move out, that, at the latest, was when I feel she started seeing him. The same night as Theo's birthday party. I'm not sure if I want to know what else she's lied to me about...
... That's pretty much it. A glimpse of my pain. Even with being on an antidepressant, the pain is still there. I just don't dwell on it all day. In fact, I don't want it to go away. If I stop hurting, I'm afraid it will mean that I'm over her. I don't want that yet. Right now, I still want her. Right now, I could forgive all the pain to save us. I'm just afraid it's too late. But I won't let the fear stop me from trying. Not anymore. At the very least, I'll save myself from what I've become...
... I like to thank everyone who has lent their support to me thus far; I'd be in a much worse place otherwise. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just ready to let people in; I don't want to hold back anymore. Also, I'm not trying to lay blame here; there's more than enough of that to go around. I'm not interested in anyone being angered or upset with either one of us over this; I've been able to let go of most of my anger (before the drugs), so I'd prefer to get as little of that as possible here. Any issues you'd like to share can be taken up with me personally. All I'm looking for right now are kind words; not necessarily platitudes, but genuine positives thoughts directed my way. I need them...
... Only one person has told me that I shouldn't immediately divorce her. Some others have encouraged the idea of divorce. They may be right, but that's not what I want right now. Some have only seen my pain, my side of what has happened, but mine is not the only side...
“I'm still in love with you. I don't want to imagine feeling otherwise right now. I wish we could have started figuring this out sooner. I hope it's not too late.”