(no subject)
Working alongside Jeremy had become something of a routine. They talked sometimes and most of the time they worked silently. Jeremy didn’t pester Eddie much for conversation, which he appreciated. Although he’d been trying all morning to start up a conversation, a serious one. Talking to Gwen had been easier. She was the one who did most of the talking anyway, and once she got started, it was easy to answer.
Finally he got a question out. It sounded blunt but at least he was asking. “How’d you end up here?”
Pausing in his work, Jeremy raised an eyebrow at Eddie and then kept going. “I was married, had a baby girl. I was driving my wife and baby to the shops one day, I’d had too much to drink, and I caused an accident. They were killed. I kept drinking. Everything seemed too empty without them. A friend, one of the few I had left, picked me up one day and dumped me here. Best thing anyone ever did for me.” He glanced at Eddie, the ghost of a smile on his face. “How’d you end up here?”
Man. Eddie was glad he had something keep working on, so there wasn’t really an awkward silence to worry about. And now it seemed like he owed Jeremy an answer. Eddie frowned and considered what to say.
“I did a lot of stupid stuff. I…hurt people that matter to me.” Eddie focussed carefully on the fence. “And I don’t want to do that anymore.”
Jeremy nodded slowly. “A lot of people here have done something major, something that really motivated them to get help.”
“A while ago, I did something pretty bad. I come from a small town and Luke lived on the farm next to mine. We were best friends, we grew up together. One day he found me and his wife in bed. And I was so drunk I didn’t even care. Man, I laughed. I tried getting him to talk to me afterwards. He won’t have nothing to do with me.” Eddie kept his eyes on the ground. “I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want nothing to do with me either after that.”
For years that had been what kept him up at night. The memories of embarrassing, humiliating drunken episodes were bad enough. Remembering what he did to his best friend used to be what made him sick with guilt.
“I really thought that was the worst thing I could do. I mean, I lost my best friend and he was practically a brother to me. But I guess not because even that was enough to make me want to stop. And now.... I’m in a relationship. And I love-“ Jason. Eddie sighed and continued. “But things just seem to keep happening and every time they do, I just…well, I guess I just get drunk and screw around. Same old, same old, you know? But right before I came here. I…uh…I got married. To someone else. Which I don’t remember doing.” Eddie actually laughed a little as he said that. It’s so stupid, so incredibly stupid that he couldn’t help it. Better to laugh then focus on the twisting shame in his gut. “Went to Mexico, drunk and high, woke up a week later with a bride in bed next to me. You know what the worst thing is? ‘Cause I could deal with that, I could. But I kept saying ‘No, no, I don’t want to get married. I’m not the marrying type. Don’t ask me for that.’ I kept saying that.”
Eddie trailed off for a moment. He’d apologised to Jason, he’d been so sorry. And he knew it wasn’t enough. If Jason had done that to him, he would’ve been beyond furious. And, granted, Jason did shoot off a gun over Elena’s head but he hadn’t gotten mad at Eddie. Instead Jason had begged him to come home. Eddie didn’t deserve that. He deserved to be yelled at, ignored, broken up with. It was like waiting for a storm to break. He knew it was coming. It had to be.
“I really fucked up.” Eddie shook his head. “I don’t know how to make up for it. Except not to do anything like it again.”
Jeremy watched him for a moment. “You’re trying, Eddie. Maybe for the first time. And when it comes down to it, you can’t do this for someone else. You’ve got to get clean and stay clean because you want it for yourself.”
Eddie didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. Jeremy didn’t push and they lapsed back into silence.
Finally he got a question out. It sounded blunt but at least he was asking. “How’d you end up here?”
Pausing in his work, Jeremy raised an eyebrow at Eddie and then kept going. “I was married, had a baby girl. I was driving my wife and baby to the shops one day, I’d had too much to drink, and I caused an accident. They were killed. I kept drinking. Everything seemed too empty without them. A friend, one of the few I had left, picked me up one day and dumped me here. Best thing anyone ever did for me.” He glanced at Eddie, the ghost of a smile on his face. “How’d you end up here?”
Man. Eddie was glad he had something keep working on, so there wasn’t really an awkward silence to worry about. And now it seemed like he owed Jeremy an answer. Eddie frowned and considered what to say.
“I did a lot of stupid stuff. I…hurt people that matter to me.” Eddie focussed carefully on the fence. “And I don’t want to do that anymore.”
Jeremy nodded slowly. “A lot of people here have done something major, something that really motivated them to get help.”
“A while ago, I did something pretty bad. I come from a small town and Luke lived on the farm next to mine. We were best friends, we grew up together. One day he found me and his wife in bed. And I was so drunk I didn’t even care. Man, I laughed. I tried getting him to talk to me afterwards. He won’t have nothing to do with me.” Eddie kept his eyes on the ground. “I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want nothing to do with me either after that.”
For years that had been what kept him up at night. The memories of embarrassing, humiliating drunken episodes were bad enough. Remembering what he did to his best friend used to be what made him sick with guilt.
“I really thought that was the worst thing I could do. I mean, I lost my best friend and he was practically a brother to me. But I guess not because even that was enough to make me want to stop. And now.... I’m in a relationship. And I love-“ Jason. Eddie sighed and continued. “But things just seem to keep happening and every time they do, I just…well, I guess I just get drunk and screw around. Same old, same old, you know? But right before I came here. I…uh…I got married. To someone else. Which I don’t remember doing.” Eddie actually laughed a little as he said that. It’s so stupid, so incredibly stupid that he couldn’t help it. Better to laugh then focus on the twisting shame in his gut. “Went to Mexico, drunk and high, woke up a week later with a bride in bed next to me. You know what the worst thing is? ‘Cause I could deal with that, I could. But I kept saying ‘No, no, I don’t want to get married. I’m not the marrying type. Don’t ask me for that.’ I kept saying that.”
Eddie trailed off for a moment. He’d apologised to Jason, he’d been so sorry. And he knew it wasn’t enough. If Jason had done that to him, he would’ve been beyond furious. And, granted, Jason did shoot off a gun over Elena’s head but he hadn’t gotten mad at Eddie. Instead Jason had begged him to come home. Eddie didn’t deserve that. He deserved to be yelled at, ignored, broken up with. It was like waiting for a storm to break. He knew it was coming. It had to be.
“I really fucked up.” Eddie shook his head. “I don’t know how to make up for it. Except not to do anything like it again.”
Jeremy watched him for a moment. “You’re trying, Eddie. Maybe for the first time. And when it comes down to it, you can’t do this for someone else. You’ve got to get clean and stay clean because you want it for yourself.”
Eddie didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. Jeremy didn’t push and they lapsed back into silence.