Brought to you by Ba-ROCK Obama
There's a reason you shouldn't CAPSLOCK RP with a friend at midnight after listening to Shatner of the Mount.
My friend is Kirk. I'm Bones.
Kirk: I HAVE THE HOTS FOR SOMETHING STONY, CRAGGLY, NOT UNLIKE SYLVESTER STALONE'S FACE IN EVERY MOVIE EVER.
Kirk: BUT I AM IN /LOVE/. CAPTAIN KIRK IS CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN; WHY IS HE CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN? THEN AGAIN. SPOCK /RHYMES/ WITH ROCK. AND HE'S LESS LIKELY TO GIVE ME BRUI-- HE'S LESS LIKELY TO BREAK MY BO-- HE'S... *an uncomfortable shift* I THINK MAKING LOVE TO A MOUNTAIN MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY LESS PAINFUL, IF OUR SPARRING MATCHES ARE ANY INDICATION.
Kirk: I WILL NEED BONES TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE FROM MY RAUCOUS MOUNTAIN LOVE-MAKING.
Kirk: HE WILL BE SO IMPRESSED WITH ME.
Kirk: "OOOOH, KIRK, YOU'VE SLEPT WITH EVERY FEMALE DIPLOMAT EVER, AND EVEN SOME OF THE MALE ONES IN SECRET WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS ASLEEP BUT I WAS ACTUALLY WORKING LATE IN THE MEDIC'S BAY PLACE THINGY."
AND I WILL REPLY, PROUDLY, "YES, AND ALSO A MOUNTAIN."
Bones: Is that what I'll say, Jim? Really? *eyebrow of DOOM* And it's my office. In sick bay. And you know I work there late some nights.
Kirk: I WOULD HAVE CLEANED THE DESK.
Bones: *GRUMPY MCGRUMP FACE*
Kirk: ...WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH MYSELF AND DEAR LADY MOUNTAIN?
Bones: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO-- For the love of-- NO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO YELL AT CHAPEL AND THEN I HAVE TO GO INSULT SPOCK.
Kirk: DON'T BE CRUDE, MAN. WE'LL BE MAKING /LOVE/ TO THE MOUNTAIN.
Bones: DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU GET BITS OF GRAVEL STUCK IN YOUR URETHRA.
Kirk: YOU MEAN, YOU WON'T FIX ME UP? YOU'LL JUST LET IT. STICK THERE. I WILL HAVE TO LIMP, SADLY, ACROSS THE CORRIDOR. I WOULD BE PROUD OF MY WOUNDS, BUT MY SECRET SHAME WOULD BE APPARENT TO ALL OF MY UNDERLING. MY AGONY. I WILL SAY TO THEM, "SCOTTY, HAVE /YOU/ EVER MADE LOVE TO A MOUNTAIN? THEN SHUT YOUR ACCENT UP, JUST SHUT IT UP, BECAUSE /YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS/."
Bones: NO. I WILL LAUGH AT YOU. AND THEN I'LL TELL SPOCK, AND HE'LL JUST SMIRK AT YOU WITHOUT REALLY CHANGING HIS EXPRESSION AT ALL BUT YOU'LL KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN HE'S LAUGHING HIS VULCAN ASS OFF. AND SCOTTY WILL JUST GO DRINK HIMSELF INTO A STUPOR LIKE HE DOES EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT.
Kirk: I WILL ORDER YOU TO FIX MY BOYPARTS. I AM CAPTAIN.
Kirk: IT'S IN MY NAME. MY NAME IS "CAPTAIN" KIRK.
Bones: AND FURTHERMORE. SINCE WHEN IS SCOTTY A 'THEM'. ALSO: I'M YOUR DOCTOR. I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOUR RANK.
Kirk: SCOTTY WILL BE THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ENTIRE CREW IN THIS SCENARIO. HE WILL TALK FOR CHECKOV BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THAT BOY CAN'T RATTLE OFF A SENTENCE TO SAVE HIS CURLY-HAIRED V-TO-W-ED LIFE. AND YOU WILL BE BUSY FIXING MY BOYPARTS. AND SULU WOULD BE... OTHERWISE ENGAGED, PERHAPS WITH A MOUNTAIN OF HIS OWN.
Bones: ACTUALLY I THINK CHEKOV IS MORE LIKELY TO TELL YOU THAT THE MOUNTAINS IN RUSSIA ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO WHATEVER MOUNTAIN YOU MADE LOVE TO.
Kirk: I AM NOT ENAMORED WITH ANY RUSSIAN MOUNTAINS.
Bones: IN FACT, HE'LL PROBABLY TRY AND TELL YOU THAT MOUNTAINS WERE INVENTED IN RUSSIA.
Kirk: HE WOULD BE WRONG. OR "VRONG" IN CHECK-SPEAK.
Bones: WELL, YEAH, BUT HE'D TELL YOU THAT ANYWAY.
Kirk: I WOULD SIMPLY HAVE TO CHALLENGE HIM TO MOUNTAIN SEX PARTIES.
Bones: EVEN THOUGH HE IS OF LEGAL AGE, SOMEHOW THE THOUGHT OF CHEKOV HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE OR ANYTHING JUST SEEMS WRONG.
Kirk: *another uncomfortable shift. And another. And he might be edging toward the door*
Bones: ....
Bones: YOU HAD SEX WITH CHEKOV, DIDN'T YOU.
Kirk: NO. I MEAN, YES. I MEAN, WHAT ANSWER WILL MAKE YOU HURT ME LESS?
Bones: I DON'T KNOW, I'M THINKING OF HURTING YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.
Kirk: *well-rehearsed* "OF COURSE I DIDN'T IT IS VERY WRONG TO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE CREW WHO IS NOT UHURA OR SPOCK AFTER SEVEN GLASSES OF CHOCOLATE MILK IT IS MORALLY WRONG AND STARFLEET WILL NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS BEFORE DURING OR AFTER THE SEX ACT."
Bones: ....SEVEN GLASSES OF /CHOCOLATE MILK/?
Bones: THE ONLY THING WRONG ABOUT HAVING SEX AFTER SEVEN GLASSES OF ANY KIND OF MILK IS HOW SICK YOU'RE GOING TO GET FROM ALL THAT ACTIVITY WITH SEVEN GLASSES OF MILK IN YOUR STOMACH.
Kirk: SPLIT BETWEEN THE TWO OF US BUT /THAT IS NOT THE POINT/.
Bones: SO, WHAT. YOU HAVE THREE EACH AND THEN SPLIT THE ODD ONE OUT?
Bones: OR DO YOU HAVE FOUR AND THE OTHER PERSON HAVE THREE? OR VICE VERSA?
Kirk: THE FIRST ONE, BUT MOSTLY IT WAS FOR THE CHOCO-VULCAN EFFECT, WHICH IS NOT IMMORAL POST-SCOTCH.
Bones: YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE AND I HOPE THAT MOUNTAIN GIVES YOU SYPHILLIS.
Kirk: THE ROCK CRABS? WHY WOULD YOU WISH SUCH A THING.
Bones: BECAUSE THEN I COULD SMIRK AND SAY 'I TOLD YOU SO' AND 'I WARNED YOU BUT DO YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME' WHICH OF COURSE YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE JIM KIRK AND YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE OF YOUR /SENIOR MEDICAL OFFICER/
Kirk: I'M THE CAPTAIN, AND IF I GET THE PEBBLE-MITES, /YOU/ HAVE TO FIX IT.
Bones: JIM I HAVE SEEN YOUR EQUIPMENT MORE TIMES THAN ANY ONE OF YOUR 'CONQUESTS' HAS AND I'M NOT EVEN SLEEPING WITH YOU. DO I NOT DESERVE THE CHANCE TO GO A WEEK WITHOUT HAVING TO SHOVE MY FACE IN YOUR JUNK?
Kirk: THAT'S WHAT THANKSGIVING BREAK IS FOR. UNLESS. *waggles eyebrows hopefully?*
Bones: STOP WAGGLING YOUR EYEBROWS, MISTER, THEY HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME.
Kirk: *looks ssssaaaad* OH.
Bones: I'M IMMUNE. I TOOK MY JIM KIRK-EYEBROW-VACCINE JUST LAST WEEK.
Kirk: *what about your Jim-Kirk-is-a-Petulant-Three-Year-Old vaccine* OH.
Bones: *oh snap* STOP POUTING. IT WON'T WORK ON ME. *this is a lie*
Kirk: *great heaving /sigh/* OKAY. I WILL STOP POUTING. *he will not*
Bones: YOU ARE STILL POUTING. IT IS MY PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL OPINION - WHICH BY THE WAY IS WORTH A LOT MORE THAN YOURS - THAT IF YOU KEEP MAKING FACES IT WILL STICK LIKE THAT.
Kirk: IT'S A RISK I'M PREPARED TO TAKE. *set the phasers to SUPERPOUT*
Bones: YES, YES, I KNOW THE SPIEL. 'RISK IS OUR BUSINESS BLAH BLAH BLAH'... STOP. STOP THAT.
Kirk: I DON'T IMAGINE THAT. YOU CAN MAKE ME. *half-hearted eyebrow wiggle? great. big. quadruped sadface*
Bones: OH NO YOU DON'T. I WILL HYPO YOU INTO THE NEXT CENTURY AND YOU'LL BE FORCED TO MAKE POLITE SMALL TALK AND DRINK EARL GREY WITH PATRICK STEWART.
Kirk: ...BEE ARE BEE, MAKING LOVE TO MOUNTAINS. PREPARE THE ICEPACKS.
Bones: STOP RIGHT THERE. I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW. BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER.
Kirk: WHAT IS IT DEAREST, I MEAN DRUNKY, I MEAN BEST BUDDY, I MEAN BONES?
Bones: DO YOU LOVE ME. WILL YOU LOVE FOREVER. DO YOU NEED ME. WILL YOU NEVER LEAVE ME.
Kirk: I'M NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP. NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN. NEVER GONNA RUN ARO-OUND AND DESERT YOU.
Bones: OH. WELL THEN.
Kirk: I HAVE A MOUNTAIN TO... CAN I SAY MOUNT? IS THAT TOO CRUDE?
Bones: JIM, I REALLY DON'T THINK... WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS... I DON'T THINK THAT MOUNTAIN LOVES YOU, JIM. YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO GET HURT. IT WILL ALL END IN TEARS, MARK MY WORDS.
Kirk: HOW CAN YOU /SAY/ SUCH A THING. THIS TRYST. IT'S NOT JUST PHYSICAL. I WILL BE BOULDER THAN ANY MAN BEFORE ME.
Bones: LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW JIM THAT IF YOU MAKE LOVE THAT MOUNTAIN, THAT /WILL/ BE THE FINAL FRONTIER, AT LEAST AS FAR AS YOUR SEXUAL CONQUESTS ARE CONCERNED.
Kirk: BUT.......................... BUT I WANT TO ENVELOPE THE MOUNTAIN. BECAUSE I AM IN /LOVE/.
Bones: GO STICK A COTTON BALL ON SPOCK'S HEAD AND PRETEND IT'S A SNOWCAP AND CALL IT EVEN.
Kirk: INSTEAD, CAN I DRESS YOU IN A SUIT OF ROCKS, AND WE CAN DO A MUTUAL, NONMEDICAL JUNK-EXAMINATION TOGETHER?
Bones: I DRAW THE LINE AT SUITS OF ROCKS. THAT'S JUST TAKING ME FOR GRANITE.
Kirk: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GNIESSER THAN THAT.
Bones: WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU ZINC.
Kirk: YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY GOLD TOWARD ME, BONESY. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STICK TOGETHER THROUGH THICK AND TIN.
Bones: PERHAPS I CAN SHALE OUT A BIT OF COMPASSION, JADED THOUGH I MAY BE, HAVING BEEN LEAD ON IN THE PAST, SULFUR THE TIME BEING YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I'M A LITTLE HESITANT TO TALC.
Kirk: WHAT ARE YOU, STONED? YOU WILL HAVE TO GRAVEL AT MY FEET FOR ME TO FORGIVE YOU OF SUCH MOCKERY. OF QUARTZ I WANT TO FORGIVE YOU, BUT I ALSO FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD UNDERGO SOME PUMICEMENT FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME, WHICH IS VERY AGATEFUL.
Bones: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TUFF; THAT'S NO WAY TO SPEAK IF YOU WANT TO SCORIA TONIGHT. IT'S SLATE, AND I'M GETTING TIRED, AND PERHAPS I SPEAK WITH SKARN, BUT I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND SO COAL AND UNFEELING.
Kirk: YOU ARE SO FULL OF SCHIST. BUT PERHAPS WE SHOULD SHARE SOME LATE NIGHT PYRITE, AND WE CAN GABBRO OVER THA, CHALK SOME MORET! NO NEED TO BRECCIA ANY HEARTS TONIGHT!
Bones: NOW, JIM, I'M DOING ASBESTOS I CAN - AND, I DON'T MEAN TO BUTTE IN - YOU'VE PEAKED MY INTEREST, SO LET'S STEPPE IT UP A NOTCH; JUST BERYL OUR DIFFERENCES, YOU AND I.
Yeah. Yeeeeah. There's a very definite reason you shouldn't let two geology/geography nerds CAPSLOCK RP at midnight after listening to Shatner of the Mount.
My friend is Kirk. I'm Bones.
Kirk: I HAVE THE HOTS FOR SOMETHING STONY, CRAGGLY, NOT UNLIKE SYLVESTER STALONE'S FACE IN EVERY MOVIE EVER.
Kirk: BUT I AM IN /LOVE/. CAPTAIN KIRK IS CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN; WHY IS HE CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN? THEN AGAIN. SPOCK /RHYMES/ WITH ROCK. AND HE'S LESS LIKELY TO GIVE ME BRUI-- HE'S LESS LIKELY TO BREAK MY BO-- HE'S... *an uncomfortable shift* I THINK MAKING LOVE TO A MOUNTAIN MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY LESS PAINFUL, IF OUR SPARRING MATCHES ARE ANY INDICATION.
Kirk: I WILL NEED BONES TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE FROM MY RAUCOUS MOUNTAIN LOVE-MAKING.
Kirk: HE WILL BE SO IMPRESSED WITH ME.
Kirk: "OOOOH, KIRK, YOU'VE SLEPT WITH EVERY FEMALE DIPLOMAT EVER, AND EVEN SOME OF THE MALE ONES IN SECRET WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS ASLEEP BUT I WAS ACTUALLY WORKING LATE IN THE MEDIC'S BAY PLACE THINGY."
AND I WILL REPLY, PROUDLY, "YES, AND ALSO A MOUNTAIN."
Bones: Is that what I'll say, Jim? Really? *eyebrow of DOOM* And it's my office. In sick bay. And you know I work there late some nights.
Kirk: I WOULD HAVE CLEANED THE DESK.
Bones: *GRUMPY MCGRUMP FACE*
Kirk: ...WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH MYSELF AND DEAR LADY MOUNTAIN?
Bones: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO-- For the love of-- NO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO YELL AT CHAPEL AND THEN I HAVE TO GO INSULT SPOCK.
Kirk: DON'T BE CRUDE, MAN. WE'LL BE MAKING /LOVE/ TO THE MOUNTAIN.
Bones: DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU GET BITS OF GRAVEL STUCK IN YOUR URETHRA.
Kirk: YOU MEAN, YOU WON'T FIX ME UP? YOU'LL JUST LET IT. STICK THERE. I WILL HAVE TO LIMP, SADLY, ACROSS THE CORRIDOR. I WOULD BE PROUD OF MY WOUNDS, BUT MY SECRET SHAME WOULD BE APPARENT TO ALL OF MY UNDERLING. MY AGONY. I WILL SAY TO THEM, "SCOTTY, HAVE /YOU/ EVER MADE LOVE TO A MOUNTAIN? THEN SHUT YOUR ACCENT UP, JUST SHUT IT UP, BECAUSE /YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS/."
Bones: NO. I WILL LAUGH AT YOU. AND THEN I'LL TELL SPOCK, AND HE'LL JUST SMIRK AT YOU WITHOUT REALLY CHANGING HIS EXPRESSION AT ALL BUT YOU'LL KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN HE'S LAUGHING HIS VULCAN ASS OFF. AND SCOTTY WILL JUST GO DRINK HIMSELF INTO A STUPOR LIKE HE DOES EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT.
Kirk: I WILL ORDER YOU TO FIX MY BOYPARTS. I AM CAPTAIN.
Kirk: IT'S IN MY NAME. MY NAME IS "CAPTAIN" KIRK.
Bones: AND FURTHERMORE. SINCE WHEN IS SCOTTY A 'THEM'. ALSO: I'M YOUR DOCTOR. I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOUR RANK.
Kirk: SCOTTY WILL BE THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ENTIRE CREW IN THIS SCENARIO. HE WILL TALK FOR CHECKOV BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THAT BOY CAN'T RATTLE OFF A SENTENCE TO SAVE HIS CURLY-HAIRED V-TO-W-ED LIFE. AND YOU WILL BE BUSY FIXING MY BOYPARTS. AND SULU WOULD BE... OTHERWISE ENGAGED, PERHAPS WITH A MOUNTAIN OF HIS OWN.
Bones: ACTUALLY I THINK CHEKOV IS MORE LIKELY TO TELL YOU THAT THE MOUNTAINS IN RUSSIA ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO WHATEVER MOUNTAIN YOU MADE LOVE TO.
Kirk: I AM NOT ENAMORED WITH ANY RUSSIAN MOUNTAINS.
Bones: IN FACT, HE'LL PROBABLY TRY AND TELL YOU THAT MOUNTAINS WERE INVENTED IN RUSSIA.
Kirk: HE WOULD BE WRONG. OR "VRONG" IN CHECK-SPEAK.
Bones: WELL, YEAH, BUT HE'D TELL YOU THAT ANYWAY.
Kirk: I WOULD SIMPLY HAVE TO CHALLENGE HIM TO MOUNTAIN SEX PARTIES.
Bones: EVEN THOUGH HE IS OF LEGAL AGE, SOMEHOW THE THOUGHT OF CHEKOV HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE OR ANYTHING JUST SEEMS WRONG.
Kirk: *another uncomfortable shift. And another. And he might be edging toward the door*
Bones: ....
Bones: YOU HAD SEX WITH CHEKOV, DIDN'T YOU.
Kirk: NO. I MEAN, YES. I MEAN, WHAT ANSWER WILL MAKE YOU HURT ME LESS?
Bones: I DON'T KNOW, I'M THINKING OF HURTING YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.
Kirk: *well-rehearsed* "OF COURSE I DIDN'T IT IS VERY WRONG TO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE CREW WHO IS NOT UHURA OR SPOCK AFTER SEVEN GLASSES OF CHOCOLATE MILK IT IS MORALLY WRONG AND STARFLEET WILL NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS BEFORE DURING OR AFTER THE SEX ACT."
Bones: ....SEVEN GLASSES OF /CHOCOLATE MILK/?
Bones: THE ONLY THING WRONG ABOUT HAVING SEX AFTER SEVEN GLASSES OF ANY KIND OF MILK IS HOW SICK YOU'RE GOING TO GET FROM ALL THAT ACTIVITY WITH SEVEN GLASSES OF MILK IN YOUR STOMACH.
Kirk: SPLIT BETWEEN THE TWO OF US BUT /THAT IS NOT THE POINT/.
Bones: SO, WHAT. YOU HAVE THREE EACH AND THEN SPLIT THE ODD ONE OUT?
Bones: OR DO YOU HAVE FOUR AND THE OTHER PERSON HAVE THREE? OR VICE VERSA?
Kirk: THE FIRST ONE, BUT MOSTLY IT WAS FOR THE CHOCO-VULCAN EFFECT, WHICH IS NOT IMMORAL POST-SCOTCH.
Bones: YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE AND I HOPE THAT MOUNTAIN GIVES YOU SYPHILLIS.
Kirk: THE ROCK CRABS? WHY WOULD YOU WISH SUCH A THING.
Bones: BECAUSE THEN I COULD SMIRK AND SAY 'I TOLD YOU SO' AND 'I WARNED YOU BUT DO YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME' WHICH OF COURSE YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE JIM KIRK AND YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE OF YOUR /SENIOR MEDICAL OFFICER/
Kirk: I'M THE CAPTAIN, AND IF I GET THE PEBBLE-MITES, /YOU/ HAVE TO FIX IT.
Bones: JIM I HAVE SEEN YOUR EQUIPMENT MORE TIMES THAN ANY ONE OF YOUR 'CONQUESTS' HAS AND I'M NOT EVEN SLEEPING WITH YOU. DO I NOT DESERVE THE CHANCE TO GO A WEEK WITHOUT HAVING TO SHOVE MY FACE IN YOUR JUNK?
Kirk: THAT'S WHAT THANKSGIVING BREAK IS FOR. UNLESS. *waggles eyebrows hopefully?*
Bones: STOP WAGGLING YOUR EYEBROWS, MISTER, THEY HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME.
Kirk: *looks ssssaaaad* OH.
Bones: I'M IMMUNE. I TOOK MY JIM KIRK-EYEBROW-VACCINE JUST LAST WEEK.
Kirk: *what about your Jim-Kirk-is-a-Petulant-Three-Year-Old vaccine* OH.
Bones: *oh snap* STOP POUTING. IT WON'T WORK ON ME. *this is a lie*
Kirk: *great heaving /sigh/* OKAY. I WILL STOP POUTING. *he will not*
Bones: YOU ARE STILL POUTING. IT IS MY PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL OPINION - WHICH BY THE WAY IS WORTH A LOT MORE THAN YOURS - THAT IF YOU KEEP MAKING FACES IT WILL STICK LIKE THAT.
Kirk: IT'S A RISK I'M PREPARED TO TAKE. *set the phasers to SUPERPOUT*
Bones: YES, YES, I KNOW THE SPIEL. 'RISK IS OUR BUSINESS BLAH BLAH BLAH'... STOP. STOP THAT.
Kirk: I DON'T IMAGINE THAT. YOU CAN MAKE ME. *half-hearted eyebrow wiggle? great. big. quadruped sadface*
Bones: OH NO YOU DON'T. I WILL HYPO YOU INTO THE NEXT CENTURY AND YOU'LL BE FORCED TO MAKE POLITE SMALL TALK AND DRINK EARL GREY WITH PATRICK STEWART.
Kirk: ...BEE ARE BEE, MAKING LOVE TO MOUNTAINS. PREPARE THE ICEPACKS.
Bones: STOP RIGHT THERE. I GOTTA KNOW RIGHT NOW. BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER.
Kirk: WHAT IS IT DEAREST, I MEAN DRUNKY, I MEAN BEST BUDDY, I MEAN BONES?
Bones: DO YOU LOVE ME. WILL YOU LOVE FOREVER. DO YOU NEED ME. WILL YOU NEVER LEAVE ME.
Kirk: I'M NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP. NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN. NEVER GONNA RUN ARO-OUND AND DESERT YOU.
Bones: OH. WELL THEN.
Kirk: I HAVE A MOUNTAIN TO... CAN I SAY MOUNT? IS THAT TOO CRUDE?
Bones: JIM, I REALLY DON'T THINK... WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS... I DON'T THINK THAT MOUNTAIN LOVES YOU, JIM. YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO GET HURT. IT WILL ALL END IN TEARS, MARK MY WORDS.
Kirk: HOW CAN YOU /SAY/ SUCH A THING. THIS TRYST. IT'S NOT JUST PHYSICAL. I WILL BE BOULDER THAN ANY MAN BEFORE ME.
Bones: LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW JIM THAT IF YOU MAKE LOVE THAT MOUNTAIN, THAT /WILL/ BE THE FINAL FRONTIER, AT LEAST AS FAR AS YOUR SEXUAL CONQUESTS ARE CONCERNED.
Kirk: BUT.......................... BUT I WANT TO ENVELOPE THE MOUNTAIN. BECAUSE I AM IN /LOVE/.
Bones: GO STICK A COTTON BALL ON SPOCK'S HEAD AND PRETEND IT'S A SNOWCAP AND CALL IT EVEN.
Kirk: INSTEAD, CAN I DRESS YOU IN A SUIT OF ROCKS, AND WE CAN DO A MUTUAL, NONMEDICAL JUNK-EXAMINATION TOGETHER?
Bones: I DRAW THE LINE AT SUITS OF ROCKS. THAT'S JUST TAKING ME FOR GRANITE.
Kirk: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GNIESSER THAN THAT.
Bones: WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU ZINC.
Kirk: YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY GOLD TOWARD ME, BONESY. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STICK TOGETHER THROUGH THICK AND TIN.
Bones: PERHAPS I CAN SHALE OUT A BIT OF COMPASSION, JADED THOUGH I MAY BE, HAVING BEEN LEAD ON IN THE PAST, SULFUR THE TIME BEING YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I'M A LITTLE HESITANT TO TALC.
Kirk: WHAT ARE YOU, STONED? YOU WILL HAVE TO GRAVEL AT MY FEET FOR ME TO FORGIVE YOU OF SUCH MOCKERY. OF QUARTZ I WANT TO FORGIVE YOU, BUT I ALSO FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD UNDERGO SOME PUMICEMENT FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME, WHICH IS VERY AGATEFUL.
Bones: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TUFF; THAT'S NO WAY TO SPEAK IF YOU WANT TO SCORIA TONIGHT. IT'S SLATE, AND I'M GETTING TIRED, AND PERHAPS I SPEAK WITH SKARN, BUT I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND SO COAL AND UNFEELING.
Kirk: YOU ARE SO FULL OF SCHIST. BUT PERHAPS WE SHOULD SHARE SOME LATE NIGHT PYRITE, AND WE CAN GABBRO OVER THA, CHALK SOME MORET! NO NEED TO BRECCIA ANY HEARTS TONIGHT!
Bones: NOW, JIM, I'M DOING ASBESTOS I CAN - AND, I DON'T MEAN TO BUTTE IN - YOU'VE PEAKED MY INTEREST, SO LET'S STEPPE IT UP A NOTCH; JUST BERYL OUR DIFFERENCES, YOU AND I.
Yeah. Yeeeeah. There's a very definite reason you shouldn't let two geology/geography nerds CAPSLOCK RP at midnight after listening to Shatner of the Mount.