I'm trying to make it through each day

Nov 28, 2010 23:39

Characters: Cloud (iattractmushi) CLOSED
Date/Time: Nov 28 / Late afternoon
Location: Unnamed Island (Frost Mountain)
Rating: PG
Summary: Cloud, struggling to deal with SUDDEN ONSLAUGHT OF EMOTIONS in the wake of Pollux's disappearance, heads to a place he knows he'll be left alone for a while to try and figure things out.

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Pollux is gone.

Cloud ran the words through his head again, trying to work out just how he felt about that. Whenever he thought about it his emotions became a chaotic, swirling mess… it had taken him months to really come to terms with having a brother. He didn't have the first idea how to go about mourning one.

My brother is gone.

Of course, this place was known for bringing people back from… wherever they vanished off to. But somehow, Cloud couldn't make himself hold out hope that Pollux would return. If he did that would be nice, but-emotional backlash aside-he found himself pretty much just accepting the fact that his brother was gone. In some ways, it would almost be easier if he was dead, horrible as that thought was… after all, that was the way it worked anywhere else but Edensphere. You lived until you died, others mourned you and moved on with their lives. There was no need for anyone to spend their lives hoping and waiting for a return that might never happen.

Pollux

He was sitting just inside one of the many caves that mysteriously unnamed island with the mountains offered, the better to stay out of the cold. He had passed a building on his way up here; he’d seen it before, the few times he’d come to this island. Maybe he'd actually take the time to poke around in there a bit, after he sorted out his feelings a little better, but he’d avoided going in on the off-chance someone was in there, or would go in there. Humans tended to like buildings, by and large, and he wasn’t here to talk to people.

Maybe it had been a mistake to leave his journal behind. Now he didn't have anything to do but sit here and think… he'd probably worried a few people, just writing a short little note and taking off like that. Somehow, he couldn't quite bring himself to care. No, that wasn't quite true… he didn't want anyone to be worrying over him. Or maybe he just didn't know what he wanted.

my brother

Over the better part of a year he'd been living here-and just when had so much time passed?-he'd gotten so… involved here. He knew so many people, knew where they lived, worked-hell, he called a few of them 'friend'-had started getting more tangled up in the mysteries of this place… not for the first time, or even the twentieth, he was forced to remember how damn small Edensphere was. He knew most of the places here like the back of his hand, since he’d been there so many times. It was perhaps a little strange that he hadn’t come to this island much before now; the constant snow alone should have interested him. But he’d heard there were dangerous creatures living in the caves. His life was full of enough dangers as it was. He wasn't stupid enough to go looking for trouble for no reason.

Of course, he was here now, and that probably said something about his current mental state, but he didn't bother to examine his reasoning too closely. If something happened, that would just be too damn bad.

is gone.

Reminding himself again of the subject at hand, Cloud exhaled silently and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Pollux, someone he'd grown very close to, just… vanishing. It had pitched the already constant feelings of wanting to move on, that staying in one place was dangerous, up to a level where Cloud could barely stand sitting still for any length of time. That was mostly why he'd just… taken off, leaving word quickly, impulsively, a last-second note rapidly scrawled in his journal on the way out the door. That, and he didn’t want any of the people who seemed to (somewhat bafflingly) care about him asking him if he was 'okay.' He had no idea if he was okay or not; he'd spent the better part of five days roaming around this island, avoiding the few people who actually came up here, trying to figure out just what he was feeling. So far all he'd been able to decide for sure was that he'd been really stupid to let himself get this close to Pollux, to anyone. Stupid, to ignore the vague feelings warning him that having a brother, having a friend, wasn't right, not for him…

That also raised the issue of the others he had gotten close to over the time he'd been here. Castor, Sniper, Krile… even Axel, Bellflower, and Smoke to some extent. What was he supposed to do about that, about those… friendships? He couldn't let himself get closer to them, that was certain; it wasn't… right, in a place where anyone could vanish at any time. Like making a promise you couldn't possibly keep. It would only cause problems down the road.

He's not coming back.

Shuffling his feet a bit against the cave floor, he rested a hand on the top of his box briefly before sitting on it, lighting a cigarette as he did. Smoking helped with the restless feelings, just a little, as always.

I can't hope that he will.

He gazed at what he could see of the sky-or at least, what passed for it in Edensphere. The glass was partially obscured by clouds today. He grunted softly, sending out a thin stream of smoke with his vocalization. A nice reflection of his current emotional turmoil.

What's given is taken away, what's lost isn't returned… who had said that to him? He couldn't remember; it must have been a while ago. Whatever, it was very fitting to think of those words now. That was Edensphere all over… he shivered a little, and told himself he was just cold. And hungry, he added as his stomach grumbled loudly. He was out of food… he sighed, more smoke from his cigarette punctuating the quiet sound. He'd probably spent enough time up here anyway, moping around and hiding from people.

He rose to his feet, cigarette held between his lips, and shouldered his box. Time to go get some food, and learn how to fake a convincing smile.

It's all I can do, for now…

[[ooc: He'll be around as of this afternoon, living in the Spa and working at his jobs again, but he probably won't be saying much over the journals. And he certainly won't be posting in the journals going 'oh hai guise, I'm back from just taking off like that.']]

mushi-shi: ginko (cloud), !complete

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