YES....I Am A Miserable Git. And. I. Don't. Give. A. Shit.
Ok...So let's cut for longness and the fact that this is gonna end up pretty vicious. Don't take offense either folks.
Right. Before I begin I’d just like to state that I am one of the most miserable, cynical, pessimistic people in the whole entire universe. I have come to the conclusion that I am NEVER, like ever happy. I can look back on my life and pinpoint every single phase of unhappiness I’ve been through and they all just lead into each other. Once I get over one reason to be depressed, I swiftly move onto another. This I understand must make me one of the most hideous and gloomy people to be around which probably explains why I’ve been so lonely most of my life having met very few people who I could class as ‘true friends’. Looking at who I am, what I have, my situation etc I know deep inside that a LOT of people would give their right arm to have what I have because I am indeed a spoilt brat and lucky in that I have my health etc. However, no matter how much I see that I should be happy, I just cant be. There’s always something. This also makes me one of the most selfish and ungrateful people too. What the hell is wrong with me?
The way I see it is, nobody actually understands me. Very few people care about me. A LOT of people appear to use me. Many think I am a complete and utter idiot (which, generally...yes I am). But still, even though I tend to spend all my conscious time hating/picking at myself, I can still acknowledge that I am a kind person and I genuinely care for people, perhaps even too much. I listen to people. I really do. And I want to help people when they need it and be there for them always. Why is it that it’s so hard to find in return? Why do I end up despising and being despised by so many?
It’s like at college today...I’m now in second year along with all the others who I hung around with in first year. I was standing with them all today (around 15-20 people) and I can honestly say I felt like a complete and utter stranger. A stranger among people who I have known, talked to and socialized with for the past year. Yet, still they are as close to each other as always because they are happy to bop along pretending to each other that they really care. I feel I have never fitted in. I did at first because upon arrival I was much more naïve in that I didn’t mind having a laugh and acting stupidly immature. It was a release after years of entrapment in private education. However, the freedom buzz soon wore off and now more than ever I just cannot relate to people who don’t want to work, and see college as just a fucking day nursery. I want good grades. I want to succeed. I want to learn. At the same time though, I want friends. I need to meet people who love music, getting drunk, dancing, messing around, having a laugh etc but at the same time don’t adopt this immature kiddy attitude 24/7 and actually have goals in life. I don’t want to sound like I think I’m superior. That is not what I’m getting at in the slightest. I’d never believe myself to be higher than anyone. It’s just it annoys me how they can be so fucking stupid so often.
I’m shit at meeting new people. Until I get to know someone I am unthinkingly shy so there’s no hope in me finding a new first year friend this year so it looks like I’ll have to just study more to fill in my spare time. I mean, I really was enjoying myself this time last year. I met Nicky who like totally made my life at college fun as fuck but when we fell out it seemed to all change because I realized there are very few people that I am able to relate to and have fun with. It’s sad that people have to change and move on; because I tend to miss old friends more than other people appear to.
I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been and yet I’m surrounded by and known by more people than ever. It makes me upset how I can sit in a room of people who will chat to me etc and still I remain totally and utterly alone. It fucking pisses me off how someone will talk to me when there’s nobody else to talk to then fucking twat off as soon as someone else arrives and act as if I never existed. From now on I’m just not going to try. I’m going to stop caring so much and expecting from people because generally they never deliver. Maybe because I’m the way I am, people don’t want to have me close to them. But I don’t care anymore...I’m better off just not bothering and not getting hurt than going through the same process and being let down over and over again.
I am sick to death of fakeness. I am who I fucking am. I hate immaturity, I hate lack of communication, I hate small talk, I hate lies, I hate constant stupidity and the inability to hold a conversation, I hate arrogance, I hate rainy day ‘friends’, I hate people who’s purpose is to pretend to be who they are not in order to gain false popularity, I hate loveys, I hate laziness, and most of all I HATE fakeness. I recognize that I am far from perfect. I’m stubborn, most of the time, I’m always waffling on/complaining about something (like now), I can be obsessive, I’m quite repetitive and boring, I act like a total tit when drunk, sometimes I can be an attention seeker and I admit I need to the ‘love’ of others to make me feel worthy of living, I have an issue with food which takes over my life, and I am far too selfish for my own good. So yes. That there is Rak in a box. Take it or leave it cause I’m sick of fucking tip toeing around people in order to avoid any kind of drama. I’m not going to sit around worrying about people or if I have hurt their feelings or not, not unless I see them as a true friend because otherwise changes are that they are certainly not thinking about me.
Fuck it. It’s time for me to get harsh and STOP caring/worrying. If I fail this year and don’t get into uni cause my teachers shit and I’m too tired to concentrate then who the fuck cares. It’s not like success means anything anyway. Nobody cares when you succeed. It just breeds jealousy and more hatefulness/insults. I try hard cause I want people to be proud and feel admiration. I need to start doing something for myself. I couldn’t fucking care less about uni or being rich and successful. I want to be a fucking actress and spend all my time on stage. I want and need to perform. Yet because of the stinky shithole of a world we live in it’s impossible to get into and earn some kind of living from unless you’re the bloody picture of their idea of perfection and I’m simply not willing to mold myself. It looks like I’ve officially fallen into the ‘life is shit trap’. I’m going to be another human who spends all their childhood wanting to be a teenager, all their teen life wanting to get to uni to party, all their uni life struggling to get along and get to the stage where they are qualified to earn a living, and then all their adult working life wishing they had spent their childhood being happy and carefree because now they are bogged down with bills, a boring job, a monotonous routine, an uninteresting husband, annoying kids and gray hairs/death to look forward to.
But hey, that’s life kids. I’m looking forward to it. Not.
Oh, and P.S. - Judge me and burn. You honestly have no idea.
Right. Before I begin I’d just like to state that I am one of the most miserable, cynical, pessimistic people in the whole entire universe. I have come to the conclusion that I am NEVER, like ever happy. I can look back on my life and pinpoint every single phase of unhappiness I’ve been through and they all just lead into each other. Once I get over one reason to be depressed, I swiftly move onto another. This I understand must make me one of the most hideous and gloomy people to be around which probably explains why I’ve been so lonely most of my life having met very few people who I could class as ‘true friends’. Looking at who I am, what I have, my situation etc I know deep inside that a LOT of people would give their right arm to have what I have because I am indeed a spoilt brat and lucky in that I have my health etc. However, no matter how much I see that I should be happy, I just cant be. There’s always something. This also makes me one of the most selfish and ungrateful people too. What the hell is wrong with me?
The way I see it is, nobody actually understands me. Very few people care about me. A LOT of people appear to use me. Many think I am a complete and utter idiot (which, generally...yes I am). But still, even though I tend to spend all my conscious time hating/picking at myself, I can still acknowledge that I am a kind person and I genuinely care for people, perhaps even too much. I listen to people. I really do. And I want to help people when they need it and be there for them always. Why is it that it’s so hard to find in return? Why do I end up despising and being despised by so many?
It’s like at college today...I’m now in second year along with all the others who I hung around with in first year. I was standing with them all today (around 15-20 people) and I can honestly say I felt like a complete and utter stranger. A stranger among people who I have known, talked to and socialized with for the past year. Yet, still they are as close to each other as always because they are happy to bop along pretending to each other that they really care. I feel I have never fitted in. I did at first because upon arrival I was much more naïve in that I didn’t mind having a laugh and acting stupidly immature. It was a release after years of entrapment in private education. However, the freedom buzz soon wore off and now more than ever I just cannot relate to people who don’t want to work, and see college as just a fucking day nursery. I want good grades. I want to succeed. I want to learn. At the same time though, I want friends. I need to meet people who love music, getting drunk, dancing, messing around, having a laugh etc but at the same time don’t adopt this immature kiddy attitude 24/7 and actually have goals in life. I don’t want to sound like I think I’m superior. That is not what I’m getting at in the slightest. I’d never believe myself to be higher than anyone. It’s just it annoys me how they can be so fucking stupid so often.
I’m shit at meeting new people. Until I get to know someone I am unthinkingly shy so there’s no hope in me finding a new first year friend this year so it looks like I’ll have to just study more to fill in my spare time. I mean, I really was enjoying myself this time last year. I met Nicky who like totally made my life at college fun as fuck but when we fell out it seemed to all change because I realized there are very few people that I am able to relate to and have fun with. It’s sad that people have to change and move on; because I tend to miss old friends more than other people appear to.
I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been and yet I’m surrounded by and known by more people than ever. It makes me upset how I can sit in a room of people who will chat to me etc and still I remain totally and utterly alone. It fucking pisses me off how someone will talk to me when there’s nobody else to talk to then fucking twat off as soon as someone else arrives and act as if I never existed. From now on I’m just not going to try. I’m going to stop caring so much and expecting from people because generally they never deliver. Maybe because I’m the way I am, people don’t want to have me close to them. But I don’t care anymore...I’m better off just not bothering and not getting hurt than going through the same process and being let down over and over again.
I am sick to death of fakeness. I am who I fucking am. I hate immaturity, I hate lack of communication, I hate small talk, I hate lies, I hate constant stupidity and the inability to hold a conversation, I hate arrogance, I hate rainy day ‘friends’, I hate people who’s purpose is to pretend to be who they are not in order to gain false popularity, I hate loveys, I hate laziness, and most of all I HATE fakeness. I recognize that I am far from perfect. I’m stubborn, most of the time, I’m always waffling on/complaining about something (like now), I can be obsessive, I’m quite repetitive and boring, I act like a total tit when drunk, sometimes I can be an attention seeker and I admit I need to the ‘love’ of others to make me feel worthy of living, I have an issue with food which takes over my life, and I am far too selfish for my own good. So yes. That there is Rak in a box. Take it or leave it cause I’m sick of fucking tip toeing around people in order to avoid any kind of drama. I’m not going to sit around worrying about people or if I have hurt their feelings or not, not unless I see them as a true friend because otherwise changes are that they are certainly not thinking about me.
Fuck it. It’s time for me to get harsh and STOP caring/worrying. If I fail this year and don’t get into uni cause my teachers shit and I’m too tired to concentrate then who the fuck cares. It’s not like success means anything anyway. Nobody cares when you succeed. It just breeds jealousy and more hatefulness/insults. I try hard cause I want people to be proud and feel admiration. I need to start doing something for myself. I couldn’t fucking care less about uni or being rich and successful. I want to be a fucking actress and spend all my time on stage. I want and need to perform. Yet because of the stinky shithole of a world we live in it’s impossible to get into and earn some kind of living from unless you’re the bloody picture of their idea of perfection and I’m simply not willing to mold myself. It looks like I’ve officially fallen into the ‘life is shit trap’. I’m going to be another human who spends all their childhood wanting to be a teenager, all their teen life wanting to get to uni to party, all their uni life struggling to get along and get to the stage where they are qualified to earn a living, and then all their adult working life wishing they had spent their childhood being happy and carefree because now they are bogged down with bills, a boring job, a monotonous routine, an uninteresting husband, annoying kids and gray hairs/death to look forward to.
But hey, that’s life kids. I’m looking forward to it. Not.
Oh, and P.S. - Judge me and burn. You honestly have no idea.