Rolling in the deep; where a lost heart is found
12.
'No,' says Sho, 'I refuse.'
'Sho-kun-'
'No,' Sho shakes his head, ' I won't be in a team with that cold-blooded killer'
Everyone looks at Ohno who is perched on the couch, eating quietly with Nino on his shoulder.
'I'm not cold-blooded' Ohno says, slow and pleasant and entirely matter of fact, ' I just lost my heart.'
Sho shakes his head again and stares at the boss. 'I can't,' he says, 'not with a murderer.'
The boss, who knows just as well as everyone else that Sho will inevitability give in - he cares too much - sighs, 'Maybe one day you'll find his heart for him,' he says, vaguely in Jun's direction.
At first, Jun thinks that he's saying it to all of them. Later, he finds that it might have been all for Jun after all.
13.
According to Ohno, it's purely money and contract based. Ohno isn't exactly well equipped with proper social etiquette, and so when Nino dangles a curry bun in his face and asks how much he's being paid, Ohno is more than willing to tell.
'It's not for the money, is it?' asks Jun one day.
'Money?' Ohno laughs a little, 'I don't use money very much, ' he says, 'It's my job. The same way being Good is your job. A balance is important, you know,' Ohno continues, 'We can't exist without each other.'
It strikes Jun, then, that Ohno might understand a whole lot more than anyone has ever given him credit for, ; just in a slightly different way.
14.
Jun finds that the memory of Ohno actually killing fades out far too quickly when faced with Ohno in real life. It unnerves him; mostly because it's unnatural , and all his instincts tell him to avoid Ohno. But it's Ohno; calm and like a force that completes their unit, and (even more unnaturally) Jun's peace of mind.
'Jun-kun,' Ohno says, about two months after their first mission together. 'Jun-kun, you smell of jasmine.'
Jun smiles sadly, even though he's long supposed to have gotten over it, ' My mom's smell,' he tells Ohno, 'that's all thats left of her.'
Ohno's fingers are warm and soft against his shoulder.
'I know,' Ohno says softly, 'I know.'
15.
Ohno knows that they think he's disgusting. For a while, he doesn't quit understand it and he worries, because he likes Nino, and Aiba-chan and even Sho-kun. And then there is Jun. Ohno finds that he doesn't want Jun to think he's disgusting. Jun doesn't look like he thinks that way though; Jun look at Ohno likes he's trying to understand him, and a part of Ohno wants to let him.
A few more months and five more dead people (for the good side, this time), Ohno thinks he has it figured out.
'We can't exist without each other,' Ohno repeats.
'But,' says Nino, ' You have a choice, you know. You can stop if you want to.'
'I can't,' Ohno tells him, 'I-'
And he realises that yes ,he can stop and he doesn't know why he won't.
16.
Whenever Ohno kills, he thinks about Lavander and his mother's fingers through his hair. Sometimes, it's stronger than others, especially if the person cries before Ohno cuts. Afterwards, it's Jasmine and the unreadable look in Jun's eyes. Most times, they mix in Ohno's head, until they become one. It overwhelms Ohno and leaves him confused and scared.
He doesn't feel anything though, when they die. He's supposed to though; he heard Sho-kun and Nino arguing about it one day when they think he's asleep in a corner (or perhaps because Sho-kun doesn't even realise he's there)
'Don't you see his face when he kills?' Sho had yelled, 'He doesn't feel anything, Nino, how is that normal?'
Nino hadn't yelled back at Sho. 'Oh-chan is special,' he said instead, 'And he's on his way to finding that out.'
'No,' said Sho, 'I like Ohno, I really do. But I can't accept that.'
'Don't you see?' Nino said with a little more heat, 'It's because he doesn't know, and when he does, everything will be different.'
There was more yelling before Sho-kun stormed out and Nino appeared next to Ohno and slipped into his lap.
'You'll find it,' Nino told Ohno softly and gave his chest a light tap, 'In there.'
17.
The first time Ohno feels it is when he kills the seventh person.
It's a short pain; sharp and heavy, thumping against his mind and shaking his senses. Ohno doesn't know what guilt feels like; he's heard Sho talking about it, but he's never felt something so keenly before.
He kills the man anyway though, without too much thought, and when he looks up and sees Jun staring at him warm and understanding but with a hint of disappointment, it hurts so bad that Ohno begins to wonder if that's the pain from his heart trying so hard to feel again.
'You don't have to do it if you don't want to,' Jun whispers to Ohno on the way back.
Ohno stares at Jun, 'You won't need me if I don't kill anymore, right?', he asks without thinking. The thought sends cold chills and panic down his back, because he'll have to go back to being alone all over again.
Jun thinks about this for a while and reaches over to touch Ohno's shoulder, 'I don't think we could be a unit without you anymore.'
18.
And it's true. Ohno is one of them now. Sho, still cautious and wary, lightens up enough to let Ohno lead sometimes (instead of always, like the boss says he should) and stops throwing up every time they have to kill. They form a bond, after time, not so much grudging and more like comrades. Ohno is good at easing nerves, and Sho (who is always tightly wound from work and unofficial captain duties) doesn't hold out long before he's leaning on Ohno too.
Jun likes coming into work to find Ohno snoozing on the couch after late-night gaming with Nino (Nino plays and Ohno sits and watches him) and Sho fussing as Aiba hangs over Ohno's face with a sharpie.
Jun has never felt so warm before.
19.
Ohno feels it again the next time. Except, this time, he's prepared for it. Being prepared doesn't stop the pain though; it shoots up through him even faster, and this time, he knows exactly what it is. It's his heart, bursting out through layers of time, hot and throbbing with emotion that he never know he had.
Ohno drops the knife and takes a step back. He hears Nino yelling down his earpiece at him, but nothing registers until the man makes a mad dash for the knife and moves in Jun's direction.
Something clicks then, watching the knife move so close to Jun's chest and then watching Jun deliver a kick to the man's face and Aiba wrestling the knife form him. It's fear, pure fear at the thought of loss and loneliness. Ohno's heart burns as he sees a blur of movement and then the faint smell of Jasmine as Jun starts towards him.
Ohno sinks down into the carpet and puts his head in his hands. It's too much, all his thoughts coming to one sharp head, screaming at him. Suddenly, everything becomes deadly clear.
Ohno realises that he's gotten back his heart ,and, as Jun helps him up and holds him tight, Ohno also realises that it's because of Jun.
20.
Jun is halfway through getting rid of Nino's latest stink bomb prank when Ohno comes up to him and gives his sleeve a tug.
'I'll stop if you ask me to,' he says to Jun
'What?'
'I'll stop killing if you want me to,' Ohno repeats. 'I would if my mother asked me to, and I will if you ask me to. You're the same.'
Jun frowns a little, 'I'm like your mother?'
'No, no,' Ohno smiles, 'It's because I love you both the most.'
21.
Ohno takes Jun back to his studio.
There is Lavender still; light and gentle and then there is Jasmine, strong and full of love. Ohno grasps them both tightly and finally puts his knife away.
'It hurts,' he tells Jun, 'my heart hurts now,'
'But that's the beautiful part,' Jun says, squeezing Ohno's hands tighter, 'because it means you still love.'
And, Ohno realises with a rush of content, he's entirely right.
fin
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BAURRRRRGH
And it's finally done. I know I'm being terrible and slow, but the fic is slowly getting written.
iphridian ; I'm really, really sorry that this totally isn't quite what you had in mind; it just sorta wrote itself all weird D; Sorrrrrrrry, omg. If you like, I'll write another shorter crack-ier one.
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