I've been thinking...
It's time to reflect about the last year. I've lost a lot this past year. It really sucks. I lost friends (way too many), sleep, good eating habits (if I ever had them), muscle and possibly even myself. With school being so busy and my weekends consumed, I didn't ever have time to myself. I've completely forgotten what I enjoy doing and how to have fun. Not living in the dorms, I lost touch with a lot of people. I felt like I invited them to things (like my birthday party) and stuff and they didn't come. After that, I gave up thinking they rejected me and left the ball in their court. I gave up on my good friends, that sucks. As with Sean, he lives in Tulsa and I have little time when I go to Tulsa. I feel like my time is consumed there too with everyone else I need to see. I miss Sean a lot. I miss all my friends. (I made a few friends, but most of them aren't really people I ever hung out with outside of class and stuff.)
I need to work really hard to get all those things back.
I'm so glad I've had Nick this year. I hate to say it, but I think he's a lot of what kept me afloat this year. I say I hate it because I've always wanted to be independent of my boyfriends and strong in knowning that I can get through anything by myself if I must and I don't NEED a guy. So it's been hard for me to see myself rely on him more than I should. He's so great though. I love him to death, but not so morbidlike.
In reflecting, I realize that I've always relied on a guy. All my friends were tied through Nathaniel and Sean...which is why I lost them all. Nathaniel and I stopped being friends last August and that's when this year started. It's because I relied on my best friend too much. We'd been through a lot and I thought I could count on that lasting. Because I relied on him more than I realized at the time, or really until now, I didn't know what to do...how to make friends, from scratch. Wow, this is all occurring to me just now. I'm having a difficult time putting it into words. When did I lose myself? I thought I was stronger than that...I guess Nathaniel was right. I thought he was a coward (I'm sorry!) for giving up on the friendship because it was hard, but I was wrong. He was right. Although I still mourn the loss of such a fabulous friendship, I need to figure myself out and get it right.
I've talked to Nick about this, finding myself, thing before and we said we'd try hard to be able to accomplish that when we are together, but it is easy to fall into the trap again. I have a month until Nick moves back here. I have to make big strides before then. I'm already working on it...bettering myself. I've been reading a lot, working out again, and trying to figure out how to make friends. But I'm at a loss as to what else to do with my time...I've been reading A LOT and watching TV too much...Now, I just have to remember what else I like to do...
I already feel better. Thanks for listening.
I need to work really hard to get all those things back.
I'm so glad I've had Nick this year. I hate to say it, but I think he's a lot of what kept me afloat this year. I say I hate it because I've always wanted to be independent of my boyfriends and strong in knowning that I can get through anything by myself if I must and I don't NEED a guy. So it's been hard for me to see myself rely on him more than I should. He's so great though. I love him to death, but not so morbidlike.
In reflecting, I realize that I've always relied on a guy. All my friends were tied through Nathaniel and Sean...which is why I lost them all. Nathaniel and I stopped being friends last August and that's when this year started. It's because I relied on my best friend too much. We'd been through a lot and I thought I could count on that lasting. Because I relied on him more than I realized at the time, or really until now, I didn't know what to do...how to make friends, from scratch. Wow, this is all occurring to me just now. I'm having a difficult time putting it into words. When did I lose myself? I thought I was stronger than that...I guess Nathaniel was right. I thought he was a coward (I'm sorry!) for giving up on the friendship because it was hard, but I was wrong. He was right. Although I still mourn the loss of such a fabulous friendship, I need to figure myself out and get it right.
I've talked to Nick about this, finding myself, thing before and we said we'd try hard to be able to accomplish that when we are together, but it is easy to fall into the trap again. I have a month until Nick moves back here. I have to make big strides before then. I'm already working on it...bettering myself. I've been reading a lot, working out again, and trying to figure out how to make friends. But I'm at a loss as to what else to do with my time...I've been reading A LOT and watching TV too much...Now, I just have to remember what else I like to do...
I already feel better. Thanks for listening.